He was my companion and my friend since I opened my eyes, I was walking on his surface, diving in his depth and listening to his strange sound that never existed, I was touching him even though he wasn't different from nothingness except his gloomy colour, I was tasting him or maybe fusing my delusions to the reality to satisfy my taste sense cause I never cared about it as much as the other one I'm missing, I really miss its existence that never happened, so my taste sense was linked to my vision and all that I saw was my suffering of seeing him my whole life.
He made me loves him against my will, I can not be detached from him in this situation I live in, I find him in my happiness and my sadness dry, stable, his ending is represented on his existence, he is endless if I wanted him to end, and he's finished if I wanted him to stay, just cause he is as a desire for me he's going to fade and transforms to a reality I deny sometimes because of my weakness, and sometimes, I do accept him for some reasons, so for my acceptance of him temporarily my only desire of leaving him is going to disappear, that means his task of being a nightmare and a handicap to me will come to an end, and his presence as a source of the negative thinking which makes me feel disabled gonna leave too, but this is not going to deny it's tangible existence with the sense I've never had, but I do like him sometimes to be honest, with my spontaneous admiration, not the one he created within me, I like him cause he never disappears whether I open my eyes or I close them... unlike my vision, he had never been a human gladly, but I call him with a "he" cause he is way superior than being just a thing to me, do you know who's this?.....darkness.
I was born blind, and I wish that darkness was the only thing I saw, perhaps my soul tense was going to diminish back then, and its stability was going to increase, but it was "the nix", whereas I can't define what I was observing when I was young, and I can't embody it in my modest imagination in terms of its attachment to the reality, and the infinite imagination in terms of its attachment to the reality I made by my self to my self, to feel that I'm special somehow for controlling everything and to not become.... insane maybe.
Then the nothingness was developed into an absolute darkness after surgery without a result, or with a result which I don't know if It was beneficial to an extent if the main aim of it which was observing was ignored, so I don't know if seeing nothing all my life is better than just one thing, but honestly my affection with this "one thing" was and still exceptional, so he made me forget about this "nothing" completely and take just him as the only significance of using my eyes now or before, so hating him made me wish saying I wish I was born without him, and loving him at the same time made me wondering was I ever able to live without him?.
I was hearing my siblings talking abut colours and the beauty of creatures, the things which were created by the one, or by the ones who I live among them, I was relishing and thirsting to see all this, and craving was killing me, things that differ from blackness, soft savoury tasty with different layers, magic conveyors, hearts slayers, it's darkness intensifies and stop the future to blind all the soothsayers, and its softness silences and denies all the words of the doomsayers, their shades depends on approaching my friend or keep away from him, but my dear friend deprived me of all this, maybe that was foolhardy of him thinking that he's the only I should see, or all that I heard was just anecdotal, and maybe it doesn't deserve all these descriptions and it's importance doesn't rise above his greatness, or he's just jealous, whatever are the reasons, we own each other, and no one could ever bifurcate us.
I have visited many doctors with my father, just him, who I don't know how he looks like, all I know about him is his abrupt asperity with everyone, especially me.... like I was walking on his back, like i was the heaviest backpack, a serpent around the neck in a decayed ship's deck heading towards the unknown, and God's unveiled decree forced him to take care of me until what's beyond the eternity, which sounds like it's unreachable, I've never felt that I have a father more than having a mother even that the difference between these two is existence, I don't know how my mother looks like too but I wasn't able to see her even if I was normal with flawless eyes, I've never heard her talking or felt her steps or any part of her imaginary body on any part of mine, nothing at all, no one is telling me anything, my siblings who never approached me, or my mad father, I was that anomaly hapless who it's existence is gnarly, and his opinion doesn't even have an entity and it's so trivial everytime, like my existence which is caused by a frenetic lust which I have nothing to do about is the biggest sin that ever happened even if religions never happened too to take the word sin as the representation of my embodiment in this life, it could be nothing but just a sin, not even completed but disabled, but yeah, good people exist in sad stories you used to read, and they existed at mine, he proved that even if my personal life is a sin it's just a peccadillo, he had the power that my dear friend never had, resuscitation.
He made me feel that my talk which was considered as balderdash for others, is the hottest speech everyone who has the ability to hear must stand up for it like it's the freedom anthem, he made my chores in his presence as the first morning cigarette as his own description, I've never tried smoking but if that's going to make me a good person like him in addition to killing me slowly, I would feel the smoke running into my veins not just my lungs, he was never a martinet like my father but a prophet sent from god, like god's telling me if you weren't blind I wouldn't bestow this magnificent creature to serve you, so be thankful, I was rapacious to hear his footsteps which I forced my self to memorize, I hear it from far away due to my hearing which I think that it's a way stronger than usual because of my absolute dependence on it, and of course that strong smell of cigarettes, when I hear these footsteps my melancholy becomes a total excitement, even that I had a qualm about him but he proved that he doesn't deserve these thoughts. I can be labelled as a proselyte, from surrendering to the income of the Destiny to converting to his existence in my life, he doesn't talk a lot and his voice is clearly tired, his identity was blurred, he was locked in his incognito, but it doesn't matter and who's this old angel is the last thing I would care about, since he gave me a reason to think about what's going to happen later and not end all this with anything, which is sharp and capable of penetrating my skin, it's going to be painful if it happens, but at least I wouldn't be able to see it and memorize it before and after I go to hell...in order.
Yes it happened many times being beaten by others and hearing their maniacal laughs without any reasons, or the only reason for them to do this to me is feeling that they are superior to me, they beat me then I fall and if someone says: "let's leave this place right now we are done here", another one would answer with:"why would we be hurried? he won't remember our faces, oh wait! he can't even see us".
I've had a phobia from death, how it's going to happen why would it happen, is it going to happen now? later? I really don't know what's the purpose of all these questions about something which is going to happen manually, or automatically, or without a warning, or after some seconds after when u feel death claws crawling and scratching on your weak body looking for something no one is able to see, something you just gonna feel it leaving your body empty, descriptions differ but they serve the same, the inevitable, death is going to happen, it's just going to, but since I never felt ready for it or for what's after it, it scares me, just cause I didn't see anything which is able to feed my imagination to expect what could happen except darkness, so if I'm still going to see my dear friend this is going to be nice and predictable, but if I'm going to see the prophet this is going to be a temporary perfection whatever are the consequences.
I've been always a heavy dreamer, who was so confident of his dreams ability to occur, but in the sake of losing all the confidence in my entirety, i don't like considering my dreams as a part of me cause they just seem to be out of my league, they seem to be everything that i do not deserve.... I got so obsessed with my dreams, so I forced myself to believe that they are my future, i forced myself to believe that all i need is time and patience rather than pursuit, i got so obsessed with my dreams... until i forgot to live.
I talked about myself, now its the time to talk about my journey, I'm the tractable gaunt, or at least I was, I have never had a name but he honoured me with one, a name which is supposed to represent who I am and who I've been, but it represented what I'll be able to be as he promised, yes he gave me hope, so please call me "Anecdata".
Next: Sour Candy