The wind rippled violently through my blouse and the frost on the fallen leaves burnt my feet with frostbite. I was walking towards her, a dark figure leaning against the large oak tree on my family's property. As I got closer her eyes caught mine and a familiar smile graced her delicate features. To say that I was surprised to see her here, or at all was an understatement. It had been so long that I had almost forgotten what her smile looked like.
I couldn't help the tear that left my eye as my sister looked at me. It brought me back to the times we used to come to this tree just to talk about everything and now... nothing.
I hadn't seen her in years. Yet here she was, almost the same as she had been before it happened. She was wearing her favourite jeans and that "I heart Paris" t-shirt we bought in France. She looked at me with her wide eyes and spoke, except when she parted her lips, no sound left them.
"What?" My voice sounded foreign to my ears, and the sound echoed through the vast clearing. I was in front of her now, and I could finally really look at her. Her long hair cascaded down her back and her freckles dotted her cold cheeks. She grabbed my hand and repeated herself once more.
"Don't go"
My eyes flew open and my body launched upright on the bed. I was sweating and my heart was beating out of my chest. She was right there, and though I knew it wasn't real I couldn't help but feel devastated, I hadn't seen her face in two years and now that I had, five minutes in a dazed dream wasn't enough time to catch up.
I rubbed my hand over my face, I was just tired. Tired of the life I had been forced to live since she died, tired of pushing myself so hard and pushing everyone else away. And for just a moment I allowed myself to want something different, I allowed myself to wish I could just move on. However, the moment came as quickly as it left, I can't let go… not yet.
I looked at the time on the alarm clock next to the twin bed in my sister's old room, sleeping among her things and in her space was the only way I could sleep through the night at this point. I groaned at the angry red numbers displayed on the clock 5:15. I got up and dialed a number from my recents. It rang twice before he picked up, sleep clear in his voice.
"Annie it's 5 am, go to bed" his voice rang out in an aggravated grunt, he was pissed. Though I couldn't blame him, if I wasn't an insomniac with anger issues I would be pissed too.
"I can't sleep, can we start today's session now, I'll be there in 10 minutes" I pleaded with him, I didn't like talking about my problems, and tiring myself out was the only way I could let out my frustrations and stop myself from exploding.
"Fine, I'll see you soon," he said, before hanging up the phone.
I got up, taking a hot shower and changing my clothes. After I got dressed in a sports bra and some shorts underneath my jumpsuit I began tiptoeing down the stairs. When I got out of the house I decided to take my bike instead of risking my parents waking up at the sound of the car engine. I was at my destination in 5 minutes.
I stood in front of "Clarksons' Boxing Gym" while I waited for Connor. Us meeting in private had become an almost daily thing, if I had told my parents I was training here they would worry, and if Connor's dad knew his son was training me on how to fight, my parents would know too.
Connor had been Karley's best friend since kindergarten and with us only having a 2-year age gap, he became my close friend too after she died. The two of them were always together, and he was treated as part of the family for the longest time. Connor's dad Derek was having a hard time taking care of Connor on his own after his mom died in an accident, so when Derek was working Connor would stay with us.
"Be careful" her voice sounded behind me. I jumped at Karley's voice and turned so quickly I almost gave myself whiplash. My eyes went wide as I swung my head around looking for her. However, I found Connor standing behind me instead.
"What?" My mind was whirling, she was right here, I heard it, I know I did.
"I said, that you're insan-... hey are you ok, you look like you've seen a ghost" Connor wore an all-black sweatshirt set, with his keys in his hands. He had a concerned expression on his face as he looked at the state I was in.
"That was you...talking before?" I asked suddenly out of breath, she was here I knew she was, she spoke to me, though now I couldn't remember what she had said.
Connor looked around before walking past me towards the door "well duh, there's no one else here, or did you forget that it's 5 am" he unlocked the door to the gym and stepped inside.
"Technically it's almost 6" I mumbled before looking around once more and following him into the gym.
....
Sweat dripped from my chin as I ducked just before Connor's fist hurtled my way. I moved around his arm and behind him before kicking him in the back of the knee watching him stumble. I hopped from one leg to the other, bouncing back and forth with my fists raised.
We had been sparring for 3 hours, taking breaks here and there. We decided to go one more round before his dad came to open the gym for the day.
"Hey, can you go in my bag and get my water bottle, I have to use the bathroom quickly" I called out before running towards the bathrooms. 5 minutes later I came out and began walking to where Connor stood, his back facing me.
Sensing my presence he turned around with a look of disbelief and disappointment on his face.
"What is this, Annie?" In his hand he held the handgun I had bought last year, I kept it hidden from everyone knowing that it would alarm them. I looked at him unwaveringly, I wasn't going to back down on this, and I suppose he should understand.
"We talked about this Connor, I told you about what my plans were"
"I didn't think you were serious Annie! What are you thinking!" he replied, his voice boomed into the empty gym and his facial features etched with an emotion I couldn't quite figure out. He looked angry, and I guess I understood why.
I never spent much time on anything other than finding Karley's murderer, I became obsessed. I quit my job at the local movie theatre and started training non-stop to get stronger. I lost most of my friends and put a hold on trying to help my parents while they dealt with their own grief. Despite that I still didn't have a solid plan, I knew I wanted to catch the bastard but that was about it. It wasn't until a few months ago that I knew what I would do once I found him.
Connor and I had been talking on my front porch on a Saturday night. He came to visit my parents and I, and told me that he wanted to talk.
We never spoke much before then, so I was surprised when he sat me down on my porch and started asking me about my plans.
**"Are you still searching?" he was looking out at the street, before turning his head to me and raising an eyebrow in question.
"You know I am, I won't stop until I find out what happened" I was staring right at him, taking in his reaction to my answer. I was curious as to what he thought.
I didn't really know much about the guy, sure my parents knew him like a son and Karley said he was the best friend she could ever have (other than me) but we never really bonded over anything. He was my older sister's best friend and chauffeur and to him, I was probably just "Karley's baby sister".
"What good will that do? She's gone, Annie." his voice was slightly raised, and he had lifted his hands before letting them fall in exasperation. I could tell he was frustrated at the situation and though I knew his words were a result of his frustration, it still cut through me.
There was dead silence between us as his words rung out into the night.
"What would she say if she saw you now, wasting away, chasing a ghost" his tone was softer now, almost begging me to see reason. He wasn't wrong, whoever killed Karley was good enough to leave practically no trace of their existence. The stress of finding them was starting to get to me, and I think that somehow, he saw that.
I didn't have any reaction to his words though, or at least the one he wanted, I had made up my mind and I wouldn't change it.
"I need to know, I don't care if it makes things worse. I just need to know what happened. I need to find who's responsible so that my mom can start sleeping at night, and my dad can stop waking up in a cold sweat. Maybe if they know what happened they can finally move on"
My voice was just above a whisper, our conversation dampening my already cold mood. It had been the first time that we talked about her as if she were really gone. Though I guess she was and I simply hadn't learned to accept it yet.
"What about you, when will you move on?" his question had taken me a second to process and about five to think over my answer, I had never really thought about it. What would I do when my hunt was finally over when the name of the person responsible was finally something I knew?
Would I ever truly be satisfied with them in jail.....no not after everything, not after the way she had looked when they found her, not after the autopsy results and definitely not after the coroner told us everything that she had been through.
With that thought, I had turned to look at Connor with a newfound determination and rage. An emotion that I had been feeling often.
"I'll move on, once I tie up Karley's killer with rope, torture him and put a bullet between his eyes, just like he did to Karley. Hey, I might even castrate him, just for him to know what it feels like to be violated that way."***
"Well I wasn't, and I have every intention of doing what I said I would" I walked past him, grabbing the gun in his hand on my way. I packed all of my things into my gym bag and turned to leave.
He stood there, staring at me with a look of dread on his face.
"Annie we have to talk about this" he passed his hand down his face with an exasperated sigh when I ignored him and walked towards the door. My mind had been made up months ago, I had been training for almost a year and a half. My decision was final, and I think that Connor knew it too.
"Karley wouldn't have wanted this" he said finally as I reached for the door, my movements stopped and my heart stilled for just a moment. I was surprised to hear her name, no one really said it near me anymore, afraid it would set me off.
"She'll forgive me" I replied before pushing the door open and walking out.