"You're up late." Dragging her bare feet across the carpet like a zombie, Yinyi shuffled from hallway to dining room, then pulled out the chair next to her brother. Her eyelids sagged and her voice was hoarse and groggy, but her worry for him wouldn't let her sleep. "Why are you sitting here in the dark?"
"No reason to turn the light on?" Yangyang almost smiled at the joke. He stretched his arms above him, running his fingers through his hair and piling it onto the top of his head. It was still a wet after his shower, and the movement made a few drops fall to his neck and shoulder. "It was a long day, and I have too many thoughts in my head."
"A common thing for you." She pushed her cup of tea over, gesturing for him to drink it. "You need this more than me."
The hot liquid was comforting in his throat, filling him with a little needed warmth, and after a few long sips he exhaled some of his stress away.
"Find anything today?"
"Nope." He held the mug to his lips, staring blankly out into the dining room through the rising steam, then set it back on the table without drinking. "We had a good day anyway. I don't really do it expecting to find him, but his family is like my family now. It's nice to have the excuse to visit."
"You don't need an excuse to visit family." Slouching back in her chair, her loose hair hung down past the seat. "I suppose, if anything good came out of this, Taitai picked up a lot of new family members. Pretty good ones."
"Yeah."
Yangyang switched to staring at the mug, not able to see the details in the dark, and a few silent moments later, Yinyi stood, giving him a gentle pat before heading back down the hall. Saying anything else wouldn't make a difference anyway. Yangyang laid his head on the table, letting the delicate smell of chrysanthemum and goji berry waft into his nose. He tried to focus only on that calming sweetness, closing his eyes and pushing the other thoughts away.
As he began to drift off, finally sinking into a peaceful sleep for the first time in days, he felt his phone vibrate against his thigh. He sighed at the interruption, too tired to even feel angry. Who would send me a text so late? When the lock screen disappeared, a breath caught in his throat, choking him, and his eyes widened. He coughed a few times and then nervously touched the notification.
'This was so genuine, it deserves a reply.'
A video was attached and he tapped to play it. Amari sat on a small stage in a dive bar or club smaller than The Basement, waiting patiently for the band behind him to be ready. He was wearing his usual fitted jeans and heavy black boots, but his t-shirt was a muddled grey, partially tucked in, with a faded red and blue band logo on the front. His hair had grown in, enough to easily see the mohawk, but still shorter than when they first met. Along the sides of his head were various lines and stars shaved in different thicknesses. He had a second eyebrow piercing next to the old one, and a thin chain connected an upper and lower piercing in his right ear.
Reaching up for the mic on the stand, his hand was covered with rings, plain black or gunmetal, and around his wrist was a red leather, braided bracelet and two colorful, woven ones. The image made Yangyang's heart stop and he tensed, his mouth twisting into a bitter frown, then a wave of relief washed it away. Whatever Amari had been doing the past three months, he was taking care of himself - better than before he left. He wasn't just safe, he was doing well, and he hadn't forgotten him.
Yangyang immediately paused the video. If this was a reply, he wasn't sure he was ready to hear it. Amari always sang what he felt, at least when he was alone on the stage like this, and with just a glance, it was clear he had changed. This could be any song with any meaning - any answer to what Yangyang had sent. He took a deep breath and touched again to play the video, knowing he would have to hear it eventually.
Amari drummed his fingers gently on the mic, then blew into it. Clearing his throat, he gave the audience a small, nervous smile, with only the faintest blush seeping into his cheeks.
'Hi.'
There were loud cheers, and Yangyang guessed he sang at this place often.
'I had a different song lined up for tonight, but I got a message earlier that tore at my heart, and I feel like I should respond. Thankfully, the band can join me. Acapella would've been shit, I think.'
He was still a bit timid, but his smile was natural and honest, and he spoke more comfortably to the strangers sitting in front him.
'Anyway, this's I Will Always Be Yours, by Ben Rector, and it's my reply to the man I love more than anything else in this world.'
There were a few more cheers and Yangyang drew in a breath, trapping it anxiously in his lungs. Amari raised his hand to let the band know he was ready, and the piano, drum, and backup singers started.
As he started singing the first verse, Yangyang pushed the breath out, the force and surprise making him cough. Amari's voice was clearer than before, filled with more emotion than he had ever shown, and the small amount of tension he had earlier on the stage disappeared. Instead, there was a peacefulness, as if he and his song existed alone, and it opened his vocal chords to create a beautifully pure sound.
Eyes closed, gripping the mic tight in both hands, a joyful smile spread across Amari's face. He sang about the ups and downs of life, and about change - his own change - but he assured his imagined audience that no matter how different he was, his love would always stay the same. And he meant every word.
At the bridge, he opened his eyes again. They glistened in the stage lights, the green and brown dancing, but the expression on his face was brighter than anything around him. It was confidence and joy and love - it was an expression Yangyang had never seen him make before, and his heart skipped.
When the song ended, the crowd erupted into applause, whooping and whistling, and Amari took a small bow. After a quick thank you nod to the band, he urgently turned back to the mic.
'Can someone tell me what time it is?'
The crowd yelled out 'midnight' and Amari jumped from the stool.
'Shit, I've gotta catch the train. Thanks!'
There were more shouts and cheers, and he waved a hand as he rushed off the stage. The video ended and Yangyang blinked a few times, frozen. The confusing mix of feelings inside were dampened by shock. How was he supposed to react to this? What was he supposed to do? What could he say? He turned his head just enough to look at the clock.
::Twelve-thirty,:: he thought, then jumped up, his chair flying backward.
"Twelve-thirty?"
He was at the door in an instant, grabbing his jacket and snatching up his keys, knocking almost everything else off the entryway table in the process. Yinyi rushed out of her room in time to catch him fumbling with his shoes.
"What are you doing? Did something happen?"
"Dammit! Where's my fucking wallet?" He rummaged around around in the mess on the floor, finding it under a pile of envelopes and throwing it and his phone into his pocket. "I have to go. Ask ma to take Taitai in the morning if I'm not back."
Before Yinyi could say anything else, he was out the door and down the stairs, leaving his sister stunned, mouth hanging open, standing at the end of the hallway.
-------------------------
The cab pulled up to De Nuit en Jour and Yangyang leapt out. He had only realized after getting in that he was wearing nothing but thin pajama pants and a t-shirt, not thinking to change before leaving the apartment. He hadn't been thinking much of anything when he ran out into the street, actually.
::Ah, fuck it,:: he had told himself, and just urged the driver to hurry.
He yanked the outer metal door open as it buzzed and rushed up the stairs, his long legs skipping over multiple steps at a time. Reaching the top, he found the apartment door wide open, Amari standing just inside with a suitcase handle in his hand and Ziggy's arms wrapped around his shoulders.
Yangyang froze, eyes wide, and Amari stood equally still, gazing past him into the stairwell. Even though the night air was cold, he was covered with sweat, wearing the same thing he had on in the video, all under a lightweight, navy blue parka. They both stood motionless until Ziggy released his grip and took a handful of Yangyang's shirt, pulling him into the apartment, then shutting the door behind him.
"If you two are going to stand there and stare, you can do it without letting the cold air in, hein?" Ziggy's chuckle was sweet and he kissed Amari on the cheek. "Ch'te dis, I am letting this go for tonight, but tomorrow we are having a serious talk."
He walked down the hallway and into his bedroom, and when the door shut, Amari cleared his throat to break the tension.
"So..." The single word came out slow and hushed, and he began scratching at a star on the side of his head as he looked at the floor.
Yangyang stepped forward and grabbed the front of Amari's collar, taking a fist-full of fabric. While his mind screamed out conflicting commands to the rest of his body - his head light, his face hot, his breath quickening - his heart finally felt at ease. Amari lifted his gaze only a second, those bright, hazel eyes wandering his face, searching him as he always had, and he instantly shrunk, weak and limp in Yangyang's hold. As his eyes returned to the floor, Yangyang huffed a silent laugh. He had always been obvious.
"You've every right to hate me," he said, but his voice shook and he winced at the thought. "If you wanna punch me, or scream at me, or... Whatever it is, I deserve it."
"Yeah, you do," Yangyang agreed softly.
Not giving him time to read his tone, he pulled Amari's small frame into his chest, arms tight around him. There was only a moment of hesitation, then Amari's hands moved to Yangyang's back, his face pressing into the large, muscled shoulder.
It only took a second before everything in Yangyang tensed, his throat closing, and he started to tremble. Losing the little self-control he had left, tears began to pour down his face, and he whimpered and sniffled until his tears turned to sobs. He collapsed to his knees, dragging Amari with him. All this time, he had acted fine, thought he was fine, believed that he trusted him to return, but really, he had just pushed the fear and anxiety down far enough to ignore it.
Amari gently rubbed his back, circling his arms further around his waist. "Wèi, Li Yangyi..."
He gave no response, unable to do more than cling and quiver and cry, and Amari reached a hand up to cradle the back of his head, long hair draped between his fingers. They knelt there for more minutes than either could count, until Yangyang's breathing started to steady itself. The apartment became quiet, and Amari shifted Yangyang's grasp to around his waist, then reached out to find both sides of his now tear-stained face. He wiped both cheeks with his thumbs, the previous guilt replaced with a soft smile. His finger moved out to Yangyang's jaw, tracing each line and each sharp angle down to his chin.
"The only face I've ever wanted to see, and I can't..." His eyes lovingly searched again, but they couldn't focus, so he looked away instead. "What's this reaction? Shouldn't you be furious with me? Hate me?"
"It's been three months," Yangyang choked out, and Amari wiped another tear away. "I was furious for a while, among other things, but I just kept seeing you in the street that night..."
Quickly pulling his head down, Amari embraced him tight, kissing him gently on the neck. "Okay. Let's not do this right now, okay? Do you work in the morning?"
Yangyang buried his face further into the curve of Amari's neck and shoulder. "I'll call in." He strengthened his grip, suddenly worried that if he gave him any leeway, he would vanish again.
"Okay." Amari tried to coax him off the floor, but he refused to budge and wouldn't loosen his arms. "Yang ge, you don't need let go, but we should sleep in the bed."
The word gave him the slightest comfort – 'we' – at least enough to convince him to stand. Slowly lifting Amari in his arms, he carried him to the bedroom and shut the door behind them. Without removing his grip, he brought him over to the bed and crawled in, their two bodies moving and shifting in unison. In the dark, he could see a faint smile on Amari's face.
"Yang ge... Are you gonna make me sleep in these jeans and this jacket and sweaty t-shirt?" His hand moved around to check Yangyang's clothing and he frowned. "It isn't fair. You're already wearing pajamas."
Lifting Amari's upper body, Yangyang pulled off the jacket, then t-shirt, then undid his belt and pants, pulling them off too and tossing everything to the floor. "Better?"
Amari chuckled. "Kinda?"
Tugging the covers free until they both lay on the mattress, Yangyang shifted him up the bed to a pillow, never without some form of touch on his body. Pulling the blanket over them, he curled up next to Amari, wrapping him in his arms and legs and pressing him to his chest.
"Now it's better," Amari whispered, nuzzling his face against him.
Yangyang breathed deeply, taking in the familiar smell of Amari's sweat and the small amount of product in his hair, mixed with other things he didn't recognize. He followed the scars under his hand, moving from shoulder blade to spine, then down to the small of his back.
He was the same yet different, comforting yet new, and Yangyang couldn't stop his mind from wandering. He desperately wanted to know where he had been the past three months, what had happened to change him so much, and why he had decided to come back now.
"Yang ge." The tender voice was still a whisper, and Amari pushed himself closer to Yangyang's face. "You're breathing too fast, and your fingers're twitching."
Even without his sight, Amari knew him better than anyone. Lips found Yangyang's neck, then cheek, then mouth, and they lingered, giving him a long, soft kiss. That, too, was locked tight in his memory, yet something he had never felt before.
"Stop thinking so much and sleep. We can think tomorrow."
Yangyang suddenly felt relaxed and pulled Amari as close as he could. In that moment, the past three months were nothing but a hazy memory, his exhaustion the only thing remaining. He closed his eyes and took a breath, his heartrate slowing, and in what seemed to him like only seconds, the world went black and he drifted to sleep.