"Was that for me?" A voice behind me asked as I closed my notebook suddenly. I furrowed my eyebrows as I turned my head towards the owner. There he was, that jerk, Siegfred Montagne, who led me on the whole summer and just dropped me like a hot potato when the season changed.
"What are you doing here, Siegfred?" I asked him, suddenly angry for snooping up behind me. I don't want him to think I did not get over him yet. I wanted him to see that he was not worth my time after seeing him kissing Marybeth, the cheerleader, after school one day. Though I know inside me still longed for him, I could not let him see what I was feeling for fear he might just hurt me all over again.
Especially when his whole gang was there watching.
People had warned me about him when we first met last year, but I never believed them since I had fallen hard for him.
Back then I was a naive nineteen-year old, and had never had any boyfriend in my life. So for me, he was my first love, and you know how first love goes. You just fell hard and you kept telling yourself that it would work... Not knowing that you are just being played.
I didn't know it was all part of a plan. A bet.. And I was so stupid to think it would ever be real... That a popular guy like him would also fall for me.
He was a junior and I was a sophomore.
It never bothered me that he was popular. That he was a football jock while I was just Marybeth's unpopular friend.
I thought everything was fine. That even Marybeth's friends pushed us to be together.
I thought all this time Marybeth was trying to hook us up not knowing that they were secretly meeting each other and having an awesome sex behind my back.
Well, compared to my dear friend, I was not well experienced when it comes to sex. I never did it and was not planning to give it until perhaps when I am ready which according to some, would be when I'm old and gray, in which I don't think was an exagerration.
But then, I just could not do it with Siegfred. It just didn't feel right at that time, and I'm just glad that I made the best decision not to give it to this dirtbag.
He's so not worth it.
I guess that kind of pushed Siegfred away. Perhaps that was what he was hoping for to get from me since I was possibly the only virgin in the campus.
"This was all part of a bet, Jess," confessed Josh to me one day.
Josh was Siegfred's cousin. We were never close although we go to the same classes together since my freshmen year.
I thought he was just jealous since Siegfred's friends had told me that he was in love with me. That perhaps he was doing it for us to separate and hoped we would be together. Of course, like all others, I refused to believe him.
Until it happened… and I had to see it with my own eyes in order for me to believe.
And I have no one to blame but myself. There was not a day that I wished I listened and believed them.
Especially Josh...
I gathered all my things and briskly walked away from Siegfred. I could not stand being around him while Marybeth and all the clowns who used to be my friends, too, watched what would happen.
I knew that this was all for show. He tried to explain to me several times that it was nothing but it was hard for me to believe it, especially whenever I see how Marybeth would kiss him in front of everyone as if to mock me.
"Leave me alone, Siegfred," I told him.
"Jess, please, let's talk," he pleaded as he stopped me from walking away by holding my arm. His hands were soft, a sign that he never had to work all his life while mine were kind of rough from doing all the odd jobs just to pay off my tuition fee in college.
I knew inside of me, I still miss him but somehow what happened still hurts me.
I stared at him. He knew exactly how to get me. Those blue eyes and sweet smile that made me melt every time I looked at them, made me want to just kiss him and forget everything.
He was my first love... and like they said, love is truly blind. From that moment, I wanted my heart to betray me but then my mind reminded me.
'He hurt you,' it dictated.
I don't want to fall again. Not ever again...
I took his hand off me and said, "There's nothing to talk about, Siegfred. We're done."
Then I turned my back and walked away from him. I thought that was all there was to it until he yelled, "You knew you will regret this, Jessica. I was the best thing that ever happened in your life."
That last sentence stopped me from walking. My insides started to boil as I felt my cheeks growing hot. I could feel the eyes on me. The whispers of the girls behind me grew louder in my ear. I could hear them laugh and talk about me. I knew they think I was pathetic. That I have no right to turn down a hunk like Siegfred.
Now I suddenly regret even having those feelings for this jerk. Even dedicate a poem for him just minutes ago.
'Who the fuck does he think he is?' I thought and stormed back towards him. If he thought he could make fun of me in front of his friends, he was wrong. He's going to get his face torn in two when I get my hands on him.
Angrily, I was about to lift my hands to slap him when suddenly someone blocked me and pulled me to a kiss. My eyes grew wide not knowing what to do but he urged me to kiss him back.
God! His lips were soft and his cologne intoxicated me. How did it happen?
I knew that smell. That strong arms that pulled me closer... His hands stroked the small of my back as I felt my arms slowly encircling his neck.
Gosh! Why do I feel that I belong to him?
Somehow my frustraions melted away and I kissed him back slowly.
"Jess…" he whispered as he let go of my lips. Somehow I was still breathless from that kiss that my mind was foggy.
"Josh..." I finally whispered. I couldn't utter any word as my eyes looked for answers as I stared at him.
He grinned.
"Hello, babe. Sorry to keep you waiting," he told me as my eyebrows furrowed.
I was about to say something when he drew me closer and whispered in my ear.
"Just go along, Jess."
Right! He was trying to save me from the embarrassment. I could feel Siegfried's eyes on me, burning with anger and from my peripheral view, he was about to approach us.
This jerk would never allow his cousin to one-up him.
As I heard footsteps approaching, I linked my arm with Josh and happily said, "You're right in time, babe."
Then we walked together away from the scrutinizing eyes of Siegfred and his clown friends. I side-glanced at Marybeth and saw her giving us the disgusted look.
"You kind of mesh together anyway," yelled Marybeth, and laughter ensued from her group.
"Shut up, Marybeth!" I heard Josh yell at her.
"What the hell, Josh? I thought-"
"You better shut your mouth!"
"Ugh!"
When we were out of eyesight, I pulled Josh's arm to make us stop walking.
"What the hell was that?" I asked him. Though I may sound angry there was still a part of me that yearned for more. Weird but that was how it was.
He took a step closer to me, bridging the small gap between our bodies. I gulped once as I tried not to stare at his lips. I could feel my heart beating faster.
'Shit!' I cursed inside me.
I shouldn't be feeling this way. Josh had been a good friend to me so far after I have discovered Siegfred was cheating on me. He was there, trying to make me feel better, listening to every little rant I had.
The night I came home a bit drunk, he was the one who took me home while all of Marybeth's friends and even Siegfred left me in the bar.
He never left me. He was always there, even though I didn't ask him to.
For some, it might sound creepy but Josh never made me feel that way. I felt glad he was there all the time, always invited to his cousin's parties but never really involve himself with Siegfried's friends.
He was my protector and my friend.
And now... What is this feeling? Why do I want him to kiss me again? Why do I want to be with him?
"Jess," he whispered and pulled a strand of hair that fell from my face. He cupped my chin as I tried to step back but he pulled me closer by sliding his arm around my waist. "I love you."
"J-Josh..." and I wasn't able to finish my sentence as he lifted my chin towards him and gently kissed me.
Slow and steady... Sweet lips grazed over mine as my heart beat faster, and my eyes suddenly were filled with tears.
Darn it! Why the hell am I crying?
I clasped the collar of his shirt as I slowly kissed him back. It was weird since there was nothing between us and yet, it just felt right.
My mind dictated not to continue since I was still getting over Siegfred. I knew I was not ready for a relationship and I was afraid I would just hurt Josh.
I can't hurt him. No, not him…
If there was one person who was genuine to me, that was Josh and I could not let him be the rebound.
So, hesitantly, I pushed him slightly and that made us both stop from kissing.
"I-I'm sorry, Josh. I can't," and walked away from him.