Waking up, Sunny was curled delicately in my arms. I nuzzled my head into her neck, taking in her smell on her silky, soft skin. I kissed it gently to not wake her. I slid myself away from her begrudgingly, but I couldn't stay in bed or I'd never leave at all.
Looking at her sleeping soundly in my tshirt I felt a wave of regret. I didn't want to leave at all when I could see everything I'd be giving up right in front of me. My heart was breaking and I couldn't stand to look anymore. I kissed her cheek, she murmured a dreamy sound of happiness. It felt like my heart was being pulled from my chest, so I left the room before I broke down completely.
Sunny was now out of sight and I rushed to get my bags loaded in the car and everything ready to leave. Before I had time to think all my jobs had been done and I was ready to leave. I still had half an hour before we had to set off for the airport.
I said a long sad goodbye to each of my brothers. Owen was crying the entire time nothing I said helped him calm down. Eventually Layla took him and hugged him until he could calm himself. Oliver pretended to be happy for me but I could see the betrayal in his eyes. He probably felt like I was abandoning him, which for him was a familiar feeling,
"Oliver I'll be back in no time", I patted his head. He he scrunched his mouth and looked away.
"Yeah yeah, that's what they all say", he spat in a quiet voice filled with disgust and anger.
"I'm your brother I would never lie to you", I held out my arms to hug him. He slapped my arms away and ducked to the side, his eyes were filling with tears able he dashed out of the room. I felt guilting for leaving them this way, but they were too young to understand why I had to.
Oscar was last to say goodbye to me and it was obvious he wanted to appear be the strongest one.
"I'm going to miss you but I'll take care of things while you're gone", he said puffing out his chest pridefully.
"I know you will, these guys all need you", I agreeded. He looked pleased I had accepted his manly attitude.
"I'll look after Sunny too, I know she will miss you the most", he said. My face snapped into a frown. I was trying to not think about Sunny because It was too hard for me. Now she was in my head I couldn't think about anything else. Oscar looked worried by my upset expression, I shook myself out of the daze and reassured him I was okay.
"You are a great brother", I hugged him and he quickly left the room to check on Oliver. Owen now calm sniffling slightly, followed leaving just myself Al and Layla.
"Where is Daisy?", Layla asked. I felt guilty that I hadn't woken her up but I didn't think I could say goodbye to her.
"I didn't wake her up", I confessed looking down at my feet. Layla looked a little annoyed at me and pressed the issue more.
"Are you going to wake her up before you leave?", she said sounding mildly frustrated with me. I wanted to wake her up and hold her in my arms as we both cried. But I also wanted to let her sleep and avoid the entire thing, I couldn't handle how hard it would be to say goodbye to my first love. We weren't breaking up but that's what it would feel like in the end. All morning my mind had been slingshotting both options back and forth. Now I was dizzy and decided both options suck, so I might as well choose the one that saved us both some tears.
"I don't think I can, please understand", I tried to convince her, Layla who only replied with a disappointment look and a nod. Layla was clearly upset with me, I can understand why. Right then I wanted Layla to chastise me and tell me to say goodbye to Sunny properly. I needed her to treat me like a child that needed guidance, but I wasn't a child anymore and she couldn't decide this for me. For years I wanted her to treat me like a man and here it was, but I would have given anything for it not to be that moment.
"It's almost time to hit the road", Al interrupted. Snapping me out of my guilt spiral, I shook my thoughts away that were to heavy,
I said a final goodbye to both Al and Layla who shed a few tears. They had been my family for so long I owed them so much. Layla seemed like she had words burning into the inside of her cheeks so I relented and heard her out.
"Just say goodbye to her, it will break her heart if you go without saying anything at all", she was pleading with me, my mind and body where at odds completely. My mind knew it couldn't take the goodbye and my heart was willing me to see her even one last time. I didn't say much in reply just a simple okay, but that was enough for Layla to accept. I was glad Layla decided to treat me like a bonehead kid one last time, but I would never tell her that. But this was the push I needed to do the right thing.
Walking up the stairs to my room, every step felt smaller and shorter. I hoped I'd never reach my bedroom door to avoid this heartbreaking ordeal. Reaching my room I stood frozen, my hand couldn't reach for the handle. Knowing she was on the other side and I would have to say goodbye her I couldn't move. Everything inside me was at war. The desire to hold her and stay with her raged within me. The rational side of me was being crushed under the thumping of my heart. What if I ended up deciding not to go when I look into her emerald oceons of eyes, that threatened to keep me captivated forever. What if I can't tear myself away from the sweet strawberry scent of her silky chestnut hair? Every second that past more questions bubbles up inside me and I let out a sharp breath to steady myself.
I reached up and turned the handle incredibly slowly. Opening the door I saw her still asleep where I had left her. I shuffled silently towards her not wanting to wake her still. I knew to say goodbye I would have to wake her up, but her soft smile as she slept peacefully stopped me. I couldn't bare to watch that smile fade and hear her cry. I reached out my hand to stroke her hair and held it above her almost making contact. Less then an inch away from her my fingers trembled, as tears welled in my eyes on the verge of falling.
I squeezed my hand into a fist and pulled it away. I couldn't handle touching her it was too painful to think about. I knew she would be upset if I left without saying goodbye but I selfishly decided to avoid the pain. I leaned down over her and placed a gentle kiss on her cheek. The tears I had been holding back mightly began flowing from my eyes, realising this was my last chance to talk to her for a long time.
I didn't have any word in my head but I forced some to string together into a sentence. I whispered, "goodbye Sunny, you are what brings light into my days, everything I see now will be grey without your beautiful light". I choked back my tears as I pushed more words though a whimper, "I love you so deeply you have become a part of me, it's crushing my heart to leave you, I'll be back as soon as I can". "Please don't forget me", I wheezed softly, wiping the streams of tears from my eyes before placing one last shaky kiss on her cheek.
I flinched when she stirred and held my breath to see if she would wake up. Her eyebrows came together in a confused expression for a moment, before it was was replaced by a sweet smile. She took a long deep breath in and parted her lips. As she exhaled she spoke softly, "sweet..". She barely made a sound but it thundered against my heart. She was dreaming about me, a smile drifted onto my lips before tears began to pour again from my eyes.
I ran out of the room as slilently as I could before cursing myself for being selfish. There was no way I could go back in, now I had seen her dreaming so peacefully and whispering my name. If I went to her now, I know I won't leave and I that's not what she wants. At least that's what I have to tell myself.