Dear Diary,
I'm so sorry I didn't have time to write yesterday but trust me the wait was worth it. I didn't even get back to my dorm room until 4am and at that point I was in no state to write an entry. Honestly I still don't know exactly how to even begin to explain the rollercoaster that was the past two days. I mean last time I wrote everything was so much simpler than it is now. I mean I literally feel like a different person right now after kissing three different girls and yet I feel more scared than ever to come out. I'm sorry I'm getting a head of myself, let's start with yesterday before I spoil the whole story.
Everything was pretty normal at first since we just attended a bunch of seminars and bonding activities. The last thing we did however was where things started to go both up and down all at the same time. We were told to line up side by side all the way down the field with two lines facing one another. The entire freshman class and the mentors were all participating. As the man explained it, he would say statements and if they applied to you then you would take a step forward then step back after for the next statement. It seemed easy enough and I had managed to stand between Rory and Hallie, the red headed girl in our group. I had spotted Anna standing across from me and waved just as we got started. The first couple were basic questions but as we got farther, the questions got deeper and deeper. I could feel my heart racing at the idea of certain questions being asked.
"I am apart of the LGBTQ+ community." His deep voice sounded over the speakers
I felt my breathe catch in my throat as I contemplated my next move. I noticed many others stepping forward so I followed suit in a last second decision. I looked around and nearly fell over when I saw Anna smirking over at me from across the way, clearly having taken a step. I turned to my left and noticed Rory directly next to me with a glint her her eye. Once we stepped back I could feel the sweat on my palms as I clenched my fists and shoved them into my pockets. That was the first time I had ever openly admitted to being even remotely gay, I didn't kick the door down but that at least counts as peeking out.
"I didn't know you were gay." Rory whispered in my ear
I nodded nervously whispering back "I could say the same for you."
The rest of the exercise went smoothly and once we had finished the mentors sent us back to our rooms until dinner.
I had arrived first and when Anna walked in she looked over at me nervously "You're gay?"
"Why is everyone so shocked about this, I mean we all met like two days ago." I laughed leaning back in my chair
She rolled her eyes, a blush creeping onto her cheeks "I'm just surprised."
"So was I when I saw that you stepped forward." I smirked looking her up and down
It was weird knowing that we were both gay and completely alone right now. I hadn't met anyone who was gay back home except maybe Julia, but then again I was extremely sheltered. I mean finding out that not only my roommate, but also my sexy mentor, are both lesbians at the same time was shocking.
"You're awfully confident all of the sudden. Were you a big shot player back home or something?" Anna joked rolling her eyes at me
Me? A player? I mean maybe in the past twenty four hours but definetely not back home.
"Actually I've only ever kissed one girl and that didn't really workout for me. I was raised Catholic and I went to Notre Dame down in Elmira." I explained awkwardly looking down at the floor
"I've never kissed a girl, I was homeschooled by extremely religious parents." She laughed looking over at me as I met her gaze "I had a crush on a girl who worked on our farm once though, her name was Dana."
"Well Dana's a fool for not making a move on you." I grinned
She let out a laugh "Are you sure you aren't lying? I mean it's rare to be this naturally good at flirting."
"Must just be luck then." I stated winking at her
She blushed once more "Can I tell you something?"
"Yeah of course." I smiled
She nodded her head nervously "Yesterday when I saw you naked, I honestly just wanted to close the door and like, I don't know, kiss you."
I smirked over at her "You wanted to kiss me while I was naked?"
"I mean when you say it like that it sounds both dirty and dumb." She groaned
I smiled to myself "Well why don't you kiss me right now?"
She looked up at me skeptically "Do you want me to?"
I nodded my head and she awkwardly walked over to me and sat down on my lap. She took a deep breath her eyes flickering down to my lips. I smiled and closed the space between us, kissing her lips that tasted like strawberries for some reason or another. It was a sweet and slow kiss that left me wanting more when she pulled away.
"Damn." She whispered out, a cute blush spreading across her cheeks
I grinned and pecked her lips once more "I hate to say this but we should probably head to dinner."
"Yeah you're right." She smiled nervously before getting off my lap
We made our way down to the dining hall, avoiding the topic of what had just happened. I quickly found my group after getting a slice of pizza and sat directly next to Rory. Now I can't exactly decide if I was always bold or if that exercise brought it out but I was certainly enjoying my newfound confidence.
"Hey Teagan." She smiled over at me
I smiled in return "Hey Rory, how was your short break?"
"Pretty good," she grinned "how was yours?"
"Extraordinary." I smirked
She gave me a questioning look "And why is that?"
I shrugged smirking back at her "Nothing important."
"Why do you always do that?" She questioned
I scoffed at her "Do what?"
"Avoid answering my questions."
"Because it's none of your business."
Well after that comment she didn't talk to me for the rest of dinner and left early. I knew I was kind of being a bitch but realistically it wasn't any of her business and I don't kiss and tell.
"Hey Teagan." Hallie whispered over to me
I whispered back "Hey Hallie, why are we whispering."
"My older sister is throwing a party at her off campus house if you wanna come."
"A party?"
I had never in my entire life attended a single party and they had always kinda seemed pointless to me anyway. I mean who wants to get ducked up and do embarrassing shit in front of a bunch of strangers? I must say the idea of at least just stopping in and seeing what a party was actually like did intrigue me.
"It's tonight at 9 if you wanna come. I can meet you outside the dorm and walk you there." She smiled
I nodded nervously "Okay I'm down, can I bring a friend?"
"Sure, who?" She questioned
I nodded to the right where she was seated with her group "My roommate Anna."
"You really think she'll come?" Hallie questioned looking over at her
I nodded "Yeah why wouldn't she?"
"Oh nothing, either way I'll meet you guys outside the dorm at 8:45 tonight."
After that I ran back to my dorm to get ready since it was already 7:30 and I needed a shower. Luckily I remembered clothes this time and when I went back into my room I found Anna nervously sitting on the edge of her bed.
"Hey there." I smiled over at her before setting my stuff on my dresser
She smiled back, her cheeks reddening "Hey Blair."
"Would you like to go to a party with me tonight?" I questioned as I sat on my bed
"A party?" Her eyes went wide "I don't really like parties."
"I've never been to one but I mean hey it's college." I shrugged
She rolled her eyes "Yeah but what if we get caught?"
"Then we run." I laughed
It took some convincing but eventually she agreed to go with me. We both had just finished getting ready when 8:30 rolled around. Anna looked good in her outfit of choice with blue skinny jeans and a cute black sweater. I had gone a completely different route and had opted for my Jean shorts and black crop top I had secretly purchased back home. My mother would have a conniption if she knew what I was wearing or where I was going.
We met Hallie out front and I could swear Anna knew her somehow by the look she gave me. I decided to ask her about it later and we quickly made our way across campus. When we finally made it to a rather large house just off campus I could hear music blaring from inside. Hallie knocked at the front door and when it opened she was pulled into a tight hug by a girl who looked almost exactly like her.
She introduced herself as Hannah and waved for us to come in before shutting the door behind us. There were people everywhere I could see and most were either talking, dancing, drinking, smoking, or doing a combination of those things. I quickly followed Hallie and Hannah to the kitchen where a number of bottles and cans littered the counter.
"What can I get for you guys?" Hannah questioned as she poured a drink and handed it to Hallie
"Uh I don't drink." I stated awkwardly
She gave me a curious look "Awe never?"
"Me either." Anna shrugged
She nodded over to us "Alright well feel free to pour yourself anything if you change your mind."
I danced for a little while in the living room before running upstairs to use the bathroom. The hallway was empty so I went down to the second door on the right as Hannah instructed and opened the door before slipping inside.
"Uh, occupied?" Rory stated giving me a questioning glance from the sink
"Fuck," I mumbled out frozen in place "I'm so sorry."
"You're fine." She grinned looking me up and down "You look sexy tonight."
"Oh, uh, why thank you so do you." I stuttered out unable to keep my eyes off her
She was wearing a blue tube top and black skinny jeans with her hair up in a messy bun. She looked like full course meal now rather than just a snack.
She took a step closer to me brushing a strand of hair behind my ear "Why are you so nervous right now?"
"Because you're hot and literally two inches from my face." I mumbled out awkwardly
She grinned "Do you want me to kiss you?"
"Yes." I stated meeting her gaze
She smirked for only a second before closing the space between us and pulling me in for a fiery kiss. She pushed me back against the wall and I couldn't help but let a low moan escape my lips. She wasted no time in moving to kiss my neck while grinding against me and making it harder with each passing second to remain standing.
Suddenly she took a step back and her face seemed pale "I'm sorry, I'll see you tomorrow."
She exited the bathroom before I could say a word so I went pee before heading back down. She seemed to be nowhere in sight and I was mentally cursing myself for whatever the hell I did to make her stop kissing me. I went into the kitchen and poured myself a cup of rum and coke as advised by Hallie before taking a sip of the sweet liquid. It burned my throat slightly but I didn't mind in the slightest. By my third cup I was really starting to understand why everyone loved parties so much, I mean I felt amazing at the time.
I vaguely remember kissing the third girl but it was all very blurry. We were playing beer pong in the dining room, she was teammate, and we won somehow even with me sucking horribly at it. Without warning she had pulled me in for a kiss I can't quite say I fully remember as it lasted hardly anytime at all. Next thing I knew I woke up in my room the next day with a million texts in my group chat with Callum and Brody. My head was pounding as I scrolled through the messages until I found a picture of me grinning with a beer in one hand and a girl kissing my cheek with arm wrapped around her.
Callum: Wtf
Brody: Where are you?
Callum: Is that a beer?
Brody: ANSWER US WOMAN
Callum: TEAGAN
Brody: IM SO FUCKING PROUD BUT PLEASE ANSWER US BRO
Callum: Speak for yourself, what the fuck Teagan!
Brody: Shut up Callum she's living her best life.
Callum: She's behaving like a buck wild dyke.
Brody: Dude wtf, there's nothing wrong with having fun or being gay.
Callum: Are you being serious right now? This isn't a little fun it's a full blown party and being a fag is literally a sin.
Well I'm not gonna lie, that hurt. Especially coming from one of my literal best fucking friends.
Brody: Whatever dude, be a bigoted piece of shit then.
Me: I'm fine boys.
Callum: THANK GOD!
Brody: Omg she lives!
Me: Yeah but I'm going back to sleep, goodnight boys.
Callum: You mean Goodmorning?
Brody: Goodmorning to you too!
When I did finally wake up again at ten I found Anna sitting quietly at her desk.
"Goodmorning Anna." I grinned causing her to glare back at me
"Morning." She mumbled before turning back to her book
Well shit, what have I done to piss her off? I quickly got ready for the day before making my way down to breakfast without another word. I grabbed some eggs and bacon before making my way towards our normal table where Rory was taking to Hallie. I sat across from them and neither said a word to me until I cleared my throat.
"Goodmorning you part animal!" Hallie laughed
I rolled my eyes "Goodmorning to you too."
"Morning Miller." Rory grumbled pushing her eggs around her plate
I gave her a pointed look "Morning?"
The rest of breakfast and the rest of the day was rather... awkward to say the least. Somehow I had managed to kiss three people and yet two were basically ignoring me and I didn't even know who the other one was except a rather blurry photo. God my life has really taken a fucking turn overnight and honestly that's pretty much all I have for you right now. I really hope by my next entry things aren't so complicated and weird. Until then though, I hope you enjoyed the newest story from my fucked up life.
Love,
Teagan The Closeted Lesbian