I feel the cool of the blade press against my throat. I feel a sting of metal against my skin. I bite down on my teeth and try to shrink away from the knife but there is a tree right behind me.
Cai has trapped me.
Here it is.
The destiny I've been waiting for.
It was either Duchess or death. But death has chosen me.
I pinch up my eyes and hold my breath.
~Dear God.~ I start to pray, because I'm not sure who else can help me now.
And just when I think the end will arrive, when I think I will feel the heat of blood splash across my body, or that darkness will overtake me and send my soul spiraling into another dimension, Cai stops.
~What?~
"Open your eyes." Cai's voice sounds close and distant at the same time.
"No." I answer and keep my eyes firmly closed.
I hear a noise that sounds like a chuckle, but surly it's not a chuckle, right? Surly Cai isn't laughing before he kills me.
"Open them, Azul." He says again, "I'm not going to kill you."
My eyes immediately fly open at this, "You're not?"
"I don't plan on it." He says, and I was right; he's smiling.
"Then why do you have a knife to my neck?"
He shrugs like I'm making a good point, "Alright, I'm not going to kill you YET."
"Wow. very assuring." I say, and I'm surprised I can still be sarcastic even when my legs are shaking beneath me. "Thank you for not killing me YET." I nearly yell the last word.
"You know well my position on killing you." He responds to my sarcasm.
~Yeah, Yeah, I know. It's all for the war and for the good of your people. But can't my life and my desires take precedence for once?~
"So... When are you going to kill me then?" I ask.
Cai's grip on the knife by my neck loosens as he shakes his head. "No one has ever asked me a question like that." He laughs, but I don't think he genuinely is finding anything funny. "Have you already given up? You're not even going to fight for your life?"
His question sends a stab of pain through my chest.
~Have I? have I given up on life already? Have I stopped fighting for it?~
"I don't really feel like I have many options at this point." I admit, and then a wave of grief hits me, grief and woe for my pitiful self.
A silence falls between us, and I think about the last time I saw him, he was sitting beside a stream in the moonlight laughing. But then he left me alone, he let me get captured by Altan.
"Why didn't you help me back then?" I ask, and tears threaten and pinch the back of my throat. "Why didn't you help me fight Altan? Why didn't you help me escape?"
Cai stares at me and his eyes look nearly as sad as my heart feels. The color of them a sad rolling ocean. "I- I couldn't." He answers. "I may be strong, but I cannot defeat an entire army, Azul."
A sob passes my lips and Cai's knife drops to the ground. "Now, because of you, I'm doomed." I say, "Now you're going to kill me." The tears come flowing as my eminent death becomes apparent. As it becomes more and more clear that one of the only people who was even remotely close to a friend to me will be the one to take my life.
~It's unfair. This whole world is so dark and unfair.~
"Azul." Cai says when my crying gets louder. "That's enough."
I consider crying louder. I consider screaming. Maybe Altan or one of his soldiers will come to save me. Although Cai would probably have my throat slit before that could happen. So Instead, I continue to cry in silence.
"I'm sorry." Cai says, and the words surprise me. Of all the things I ever thought he would say to me, 'sorry' is not one of them.
I shake my head at him, "It's too late to be sorry."
He grabs either side of my shaking head and stops the motion. "I know." He says.
"I-" more hot tears run down my face, "I don't want to die."
"I know." he whispers, and his thumbs brush the tears from my cheeks.
I look at him, and he's so different from the Cai I first met. He's not the same guy who held a knife to my neck in the middle of the night. He's not the guy who came to my balcony to see if I was dead. No, he's slowly changed, now he's the guy who taught me how to manipulate my element, he's the guy who I splashed in the pool of water, and he's the guy who held me and kept me safe in a tunnel.
I meet his eyes, and frown soo deeply that I probably look ugly. There are a million things I want to say to him: 'don't kill me,' 'help me escape,' 'I still don't want to get married.' But he can't help with any of that. In a way, he's just as trapped as I am. There is nothing else he can do, he has to kill me, it's his duty...
So, it surprises me when he leans toward me.
It surprises me when he cups my face and leans into me, when my body leans against the tree behind me and his lips meet mine.
It surprises me so much that I don't know how to respond, I don't know what to do.
His lips taste electricity on mine, a shock runs through my body that both terrifies and exhilarates me. And when I squeak from surprise he leans in deeper, his fingers run through my hair, and lips search mine more ardently.
I close my eyes.
I can feel the want running through him, it's a want I've never noticed from him before, and I wonder how long it's been there.
One of his hands leaves my face and clutches my hip, and I consider touching him back. I never really thought of Cai like this, but kissing him is nice, it's kind of liberating, kind of freeing. For once, I'm doing something that isn't going to lead toward death of Duchess.
But when I finally bring my hands to his chest...
"Azul." Altan's voice strikes like lightening.