<< k e i t a >>
"Why Keita? Why are you doing this? What exactly am I to you?"
He finally asked the question I feared I couldn't answer. Why am I doing this to him? I should've stopped long ago. I shouldn't have started this. This is… insanely wrong.
"I…"
"What Keita? Do you like me?"
It hit me like a bucket of cold water. Do I like Youjin in that way? What will happen if I say that I do like him?
"I'm sorry... I don't know..."
Tears from Youjin's eyes started streaming down again. His eyes were bloodshot from crying. "Y-You don't know? You kissed and touched a guy and yet you don't know?! What's wrong with you?"
"I don't know why I'm doing this...I just can't help myself… Sorry, Youjin."
"You're the worst." He said in a shaking voice as he ran out of the room leaving me standing in complete agony.
<< y o u j i n >>
I hate this. I hate this. I hate this.
For a second there, I hoped for Keita to say he likes me. I was a fool to hope for something impossible.
I ran as fast as I could to distance myself from Keita. He's not following me but still this place seemed so small for the two of us. It's suffocating.
I stopped by my locker to grab my things and got a glance of myself from the small mirror in my locker door. I looked like a mess. But I couldn't care less; I just wanna go home and shut myself in my room. And not think of him. Not think of everything we did. As if I could really do that.
"Youjin…"
I turn on my heels and see Misao standing a few feet behind me. I could see by the expression on his face how dumbfounded he was when he saw me in this state then his expression became soft. He knew something happened. I could only give him a pained smile.
Misao and I went out of the university together. Neither one of us could break the silence. The silence was painful, unbearably painful. Everything that happened between me and Keita earlier kept flashing back into my mind. I could still hear his voice. I could still see his pained expression. Nothing feels right.
I didn't notice that we're already in a nearby park. Misao sat on the desk then he patted the empty space beside him asking me to occupy it. I was too tired and weak to stand so I sat beside him. And again, silence blanked us for God knows how long.
I'm glad it's Misao who saw me earlier because if it's Eisuke, for sure, he won't be satisfied until he gets his hands on Keita. Eisuke is like a really protective big brother.
"Just stay here okay?" Misao stands up and walks somewhere. I didn't bother to think where he's going. After a few minutes he comes back and hands me something.
Ice cream sandwich.
"Thank you, Misao." I tear the wrapper and take a small bite. The coldness of the ice cream felt nice inside my mouth. It's sweet too.
"No problem. It's cheap." He said with a straight face. I can't help but exhale a soft laugh.
"Sorry. " I said as I tried to calm myself.
"Finally, you get to laugh today." He commented. I can't help but feel a bit self-conscious. "You can't tell me what's wrong, you know? Although, I could've guessed it's about Keita."
I glanced down at my feet. "A while ago…" I closed my eyes bracing myself to go down again to what happened earlier. "Keita kissed me again. Then I asked him why he did it, what am I to him, if he likes me. I was so mad at him I felt the need for answers. But now… I don't know if I should be mad at myself instead for asking, for having a bit of hope even though I'm fully aware that it's impossible for us."
He went quiet for a second processing every bit I've said. I waited for him to say something.
"Keita used to be a straight guy, I have no doubt about that. And I witnessed how much he loved Mimi before. He was really crazy about her before. It never crossed my mind that he'll be attracted to a guy."
Listening to what Misao was saying was a little painful.
"We never talked about this kind of thing so I can't really say what's on his mind. But I think he's so confused to the point he doesn't know what to do, even at the expense of hurting you. Whatever Keita is feeling right now is new to him. He can't afford to be honest because he's afraid. He's afraid that once he admits something everything might change. I bet you know exactly how it feels to be left out in society and be made fun of, right?"
I just nodded.
"I'm not saying this because he's my buddy but… this happens to people like us. And I can't say for sure that this is what Keita's exactly thinking but from what I observed from him, he might like you in that kind of way. But I'm not trying to get your hopes up. 'kay?"
"I know… But what am I supposed to do?"
"Nothing, Youjin. There's no need for you to do anything. Just maybe, give him the space he needs and give him time to think. Maybe, wait for him to be ready to talk about this."
I let go a deep sigh then I felt Misao patted my back.
"It's going to be okay, Youjin. Don't worry I'll talk to Keita and I will help him go through with this."
<< k e i t a>>
"YOU FVKING BASTARD!"
Before I could even have the chance to glance at however shouted, I already felt something hard hit my cheeks. It was so fast I didn't see his hand until he pulled it away from my face. I just fell on my butt.
I look up and see Eisuke, and behind him is Youjin. Eisuke's face is contorted in an all-consuming anger, his lips pursed and he's giving me a death glare. If a stare could be a weapon, I could've been stabbed to death by now.
"Eisuke, let's go." I hear Youjin's pleading. For a second, our eyes meet and they are full of worry… and pain.
"No, Youjin!" Eisuke breaks away from Youjin's hold. "This bastard's fvking with you!" He leans down and grabs me on my collar, forcing me to stand. "Who the fvck are you to hurt Youjin?!"
I keep my stare on the ground, I can't bring myself to look them in the eyes. And people were starting to crowd.
"I'm so sorry…" I murmur.
"Fvck you! Sorry?!" I felt another punch land on my face, I fell on the ground for the second time. And again, another pleading from Youjin. This time I try to stand again, asking for another punch because I deserve it.
"Eisuke! I said, stop!."
"Remember this asshole. Don't even think about going near Youjin ever again!" He steps closer to me and says in a whisper. "And just focus on getting it up on your girlfriend."
And just like that, Eisuke walks away dragging Youjin with him. I wipe the corner of my lips, it's bleeding.
Days passed, I couldn't say things went back to normal but everyday I'm hanging out with Fumihiro, Toshiro and Misao. I still talk to Mimi but I can't bring myself to see her. I haven't had the chance, and confidence, to talk to Youjin after that incident even though I always see him in the campus with Eisuke.
I have to admit. I'm still thinking about what I really want, about things, about the future and about Youjin. Every day I miss him. Sometimes, I have this urge to talk to him when I see him in school but I found myself not doing anything. I don't want to trouble him again and hurt him when I can't give him the answer he needs to hear from me.
What surprised me is that I would always find Misao and Youjin talking at school and sometimes I see Youjin's name flashing on his notification screen. I can't help but feel jealous. I want to ask Misao but I can't. I'm such a coward.
"Keita." I was on my way out of the classroom when Misao called me.
"What is it, Misao?"
"Can you accompany me somewhere?"
I am waiting for him to say where but said nothing, and yet still I agreed.
We went to the nearest mall to help Misao look for a gift. He didn't say exactly for whom but I think it's for someone special considering how much effort he gave in finding the perfect gift. After that, we had dinner.
We are eating in comfortable silence when Misao suddenly speaks.
"Keita, I'm gay." He says without batting an eye.
I almost spit out my drink. "Ha?!"
"I'm gay and there's someone I like…"
I figure Misao's not kidding. He keeps his straight-face on as he eats his meal. I don't know why but my mind suddenly thought of Youjin. Especially the instances I saw them together.
"Why are you telling me that now?"
"Because you're my friend. And the person I like is a friend of yours. I finally decided to make a move on him. I can't stand seeing him and not doing anything anymore. I want him to see how special he is to me."
I swallow a lump in my throat. "A-Are you sure about that? Is the person you like… gay too?"
He shakes his head, "No. But I still want to take the risk. I'm not expecting it to be easy but I will not give up until he acknowledges my feelings for him. But if I could not really sway him, there's nothing else I could do, right?" The corners of his lips slowly glide up.
I feel envious of his bravery for a second.
"W-Who is it?"
He glances up from his food to look at me. His eyes are piercing through me. "You'll find out soon."
"Oh. Okay…" Truth is, I don't want to know who it is. I'm scared he'll say Youjin's name.
"How 'bout you? How was it between you and Mimi?"
"Uhm… I guess we're doing fine."
"Are you still happy with her?"
His question left me dumbfounded, "Ha?"
"I just noticed that since you went back together, your mind would always wander somewhere. It was like you're always thinking of something else, always searching for somebody. And everything you do now was forced. Smiling, laughing, and acting energetic… everything was forced. Tell the truth Keita… Are you in love with somebody else?"
I fell silent for a while. I don't know how to answer Misao. But he's right about me forcing everything, acting as if everything is okay, pretending that I'm still that happy person I once used to be.
"You know, there's definitely someone inside your mind. If there's someone you wanna be with, someone you wanna take care of, and someone you want to make happy… do something about it. Don't just stand there and pretend that you don't care. Push back those what if's. Just do something. We wouldn't want it if the only thing that remained in us were our 'what ifs', right?"
It hit me hard. I'm a liar, a coward, an asshole. I hurt Youjin when all I really wanted was to be with him, but I was afraid.
"Do it now Keita. Don't just stand there doing nothing. You don't have to be scared. We'll support you more than you ever gave us credit for."
I could feel my hands shaking. My whole body was trembling. I pulled all my thoughts together and summoned all my remaining courage.
"Misao, the truth is…"
<< y o u j i n >>
It was half past ten in the evening, and I was walking home when I saw someone sitting in front of our house gate. He's hugging both of his knees, his face buried on them. Suddenly, I felt my heart jump out of my chest.
'What is he doing here?'
I decided to ignore him and he doesn't seem to notice me either. He might be sleeping. Until I opened our gate and it made a noise that woke him up. He rubbed his eyes before he glanced at his wrist watch. Then he finally glanced up at me. And our eyes met.
"Youjin!" His drowsiness suddenly disappeared.
I still try to ignore him as I walk past our gate. I was about to shut it close when he grabbed it and his fingers almost hit the wall.
"Youjin, can I talk to you? Please. Just for a while."
"Just say whatever it is here." I deadpan.
"Can we talk inside?"
I gave him a look. "You said 'just for a while' so there's no need for us to talk inside."
"Please, Youjin…"
I want to hit myself for not having the power to turn him down. "Okay. Just for a while..." I open the gate wider for him.
He heaves a sigh of relief then a huge smile crept onto his face as he quickly entered. "Thank you, Youjin."
We were on our way to my room when I suddenly became uncomfortable. The memories from that night suddenly flashed in my mind. I hope it doesn't happen again this time.
Keita remained standing by the door as I placed my things on the desk.
"What do you like to tell me, Keita? Just spill it." I command as I sit on the chair by the study table.
He swallows and becomes silent for a couple of minutes.
"Youjin, I'm sorry. I want to ask for your forgiveness for everything I've done till now. I know I'm an asshole. Sorry, I ruined our friendship. I betrayed you. I took advantage of your kindness. Sorry…" He hangs his head low, he can't bring himself to look at me. "You were right, I'm the worst. I'm absolutely the worst…"
I bite my lower lip. My heart is in so much pain right now. And I'm scared how this conversation will go.
"Youjin… It might be too late but I want to say this anyway. It's fine with me if after this conversation we go back being total strangers. I won't force you again on something you wouldn't want. I don't want to hurt you again…"
Go back being total strangers? Why?
"What do you mean?" I brace myself for another heartbreak.
He finally looks at me. His cheeks are drenched from his tears. "Youjin, I love you…"
I am dumbfounded. "What?!"
"I said I love you. Not as a friend but as a lover. Maybe it grossed you out hearing that from a guy but that's the truth. Everything I did since I met you up until now, everything is because I fell in love with you. But I was too scared to admit it. I tried to get rid of the feeling but I couldn't. I still long for you, Youjin. I don't want to lie anymore, not to you, not to myself."
"But… you have a girlfriend? What about Mimi?"
"I agreed to get back together with Mimi thinking that what I feel for you will disappear. I thought my attention and desire would go back to Miemie, a girl. I tried and at the same time I was scared. But in the end, It was you who's always invading my mind, It was you who I wanted to see every day and I wanted to be with. I want to make you happy…"
"Keita…" My eyes feel heavy from the brewing tears. I blink and everything fell all at once.
Keita is surprised by my sudden outburst, "Can you forgive me? But if you don't feel the same way about me, I would like to ask you if we can stay as strangers. I don't think I can hold back if you remain beside me, I just don't want to hurt you again."