"My apologies!"
I stared at the broken jar of pickled fruits that had splashed all over the supermarket floor. Breaking things in supermarkets are always inconvenient, particularly if you are on an alien planet and don't carry any local currency.
I was on the planet Lupusserra, named after the werewolf-like humanoids, which were the civilisation-building species on the planet. I froze in terror as one of the shop attendants rushed towards me. Although my guidebook stated that the Lupusserrans are a peaceful species that mostly follows a vegetarian diet, I could not help to feel terrified as the three-meter-tall werewolf sprinted towards me.
"Arghh. You break, you buy." The shop attendant roared.
While this was a reasonable expectation, there was a slight issue. The Lupusserran card terminals refused to accept my credit card from the planet Earth.
"Uhm, I don't have any local currency," I mumbled.
"You don't pay, I call the police!" the werewolf replied.
The werewolf's answer both relieved and terrified me. While I felt relieved that the werewolf hadn't attacked me, the prospect of having to deal with the police didn't entice me either. There was nothing to do about that now, however, and I followed the attendant to a holding room until the police came to get me. What a shitty day!
***
"I am sorry for the way that my colleagues have been treating you. I am professor Serigala." An elderly professor said.
"I am Alex." I said and shook his paw. I spoke again: "How come you speak English better than the other Lupusserrans?"
"What you should ask yourself is why anyone speaks English here at all. Doesn't that defy logic?" Serigala teased.
"Yes, I guess so. Why do you speak English on this planet?" I asked.
"We started getting strange transmissions from your planet 10 years ago. For some reason, you are transmitting random TV shows to us, instead of communicating with us directly. We have struggled to understand this behaviour. Is this how humans interact with each other?" Serigala asked.
"Uhm, not really. Can I see those messages?" I asked.
"Of course, they are broadcast daily," Serigala said and pressed a button on his remote control.
A monitor started and I watched a grainy news broadcast from the year 1985. At first, this didn't make any sense, but then I had a Eureka moment. This wasn't sent on purpose. Instead, we were watching TV signals from a broken TV satellite. We were watching old shows because Lupusserra was 40 lightyears away from Earth, thus they received old Terran news broadcasts.
"These TV signals are not my peers attempting to communicate. These are news shows from 40 years ago." I said.
"So, humanity is not going to send a delegation to establish diplomatic relations? Have we learnt your language for nothing then?" Serigala asked in disappointment.
"Sorry to disappoint you. Humanity doesn't have hyperdrives yet." I replied.
"Don't worry about it. But please tell me, how did you reach our planet if your species doesn't have the required technology for interstellar travel?" Serigala replied.
I thought about my options and I decided to tell him the truth. "Six months ago, an alien landed in my garden. He claimed to have explosive diarrhea and requested to use the bathroom. I never figured that he meant it in the literal sense, but he did, and he blew up my house. I decided to scram in the alien's spaceship to avoid getting hurt in a government cover-up." I recalled.
"I see. Did he tell you his name or where he was from? Serigala asked.
"I never got around to ask. I couldn't stop him from visiting the loo, could I?" I replied
"I understand. That's disappointing. It would benefit our civilisation to learn the language of this advanced alien species." Serigala sighed.
A door opened. An excited werewolf rushed in and exclaimed. "Serigala. Slug-slug keong spaceship argh woof growl."
Serigala turned to me and spoke in excitement. "Did you bring us keong slugs, Alex?"
I hesitated for a moment. I didn't know whether accidentally bringing alien life forms was good or bad, and I would rather not make myself enemies when werewolves surrounded me on an alien planet.
"Uhm, I am sorry. The slugs must have entered my spaceship when I landed in a swamp on the planet Siputtarra." I admitted.
"This is amazing. You managed to go starving on a ship surrounded by such a delicacy. You are the Chosen One. Please look after our keong slugs for us. You are the only one who can do it." Serigala said in admiration.
"Okay, I accept your offer," I said while picturing what my future would entail.
***
Life can sometimes take us to unexpected places. I would never have imagined that I one day would become the snailkeeper for the royal family on Lupusserra. Who could ever have imagined that there was an Earth-like planet out there, inhabited by civilised vegetarian werewolves?
Yet this is what my life entails, and that's why I am looking for a dog-loving partner to share my days with and to bring up a new generation of snail farmers for the Lupusserran royal family.
Yours truly, Alex Thornton.