Darkness is all I see. But not for long.
When it begins to dissipate, I'm back in the living room of my shitty, run-down apartment. Dirty dishes are stacked high in the kitchen, next to the sink and I snicker at my inability to ever keep my place clean.
After the breakup, that bout of depression made everything hard. It was hard just to pull myself out of bed in the morning. Luckily, I had thousands of television channels to get me through some of it. Money can't buy you happiness, but it can indeed buy you a decent cable subscription.
I remember that's what we always fought about - money, and how it was slowly starting to control our lives. They say that money will do that to a relationship, but sadly no relationship can function without any sort of income. There's the multiple dates, the constant "eating out because we don't know what we want", and then the dreaded ring.
In fact, that's what the whole breakup was built upon. Just the simple idea of me trying to confess my love for her in the purest way possible. Sure, we had our ups and downs, but things had been going good for a while and I knew the timing was right. So, after work I went to Kay Jewelers and put down most of the paycheck on the most beautiful ring that I could find.
Sure, in the end it was a $2,000 ring, and it was the majority of my paycheck. But I made the poor assumption that Julianna wouldn't mind struggling for a bit just so I could finally tell her what my heart has been aching to scream.
When I came home that night, she had already sat down at the table with Chinese food in boxes, fork in hand already preoccupied with a box of chicken fried rice. She looked up at me and smiled when I came in, but didn't get up from the table. She didn't have to anyway, since I was starving and quickly joining her after slipping off my jacket.
"Hey," I quietly say, not sure when the right time is to show off the ring.
"Hey," she says back, smiling up at me. "I started a list of improvements for you, for the apartment. I know that you've been talking about wanting to get this shithole all fixed up, and I thought up the cheapest places to start first."
She reaches in her pocket and pulls out a folded list, written with the notepad that I got her for her birthday. She unfolds it flat onto the table and I smirk, noticing how neat the handwriting is just like her personality. That's why I went for her. That's always what brought me in.
The top of list is scribbled with the text "Improvement Ideas". It was followed below with a bulleted list, that read:
• Bathroom tile
• Kitchen wallpaper
• New sofa
Other ideas followed after, but I forget by now and there's no need in telling you. It's pointless now.
"I figured that since you got paid that bonus this month, you would be able to spend some of that money and get started on a few of these." Julianna smiled at me again. She returned back to the food on the table and remarked, "So, what do you think?"
I ponder the entire situation, and decide this time would work just fine. "I think this would be a cool us project, something we could do together."
Julianna laughed, and with a glint in her eye looked up at me. "Kaleb, of course you know I'm going to help you. I love doing things with you."
I dropped down onto one knee beside her, and responded, "I was thinking more in official terms." Julianna began to shift a little in her chair, which made me nervous so I began to fumble for the ring box in my back pocket.
That's when I realized that the damn thing wasn't there. Trying to keep the horror off of my face, I reach deeper into my pocket, hoping that another universe was hidden inside and it fell in there somewhere.
After searching for what felt like an eternity, I look up at Julianna and show her how disappointed I am in myself. "I'm so sorry," I tell her as she begins to understand exactly what has happened.
"How much was it?" she asks me with panic in her eyes.
I take in a sharp breath, then mumble, "Two thousand."
"What??" she asks me, making it clear that I need to speak louder so she can hear me.
"Two thousand," I say a little louder, knowing that the argument was probably going to come whether I had the ring or not.
Julianna jumps up from the chair and runs into the living room, starting to scratch herself. It's her nervous tic, and I know things will get worse.
And now we're here. After a blowout over the entire situation, we're alone again in this plain, un-improved apartment. A chime comes from the distance, and I jump at how loud it is in the overwhelming silence.
I make my way over to the sound, and my phone's answering machine light is flashing. A part of me gets excited, hoping it's her wanting to come back and work on things.
The damn thing beeps again, and I jump again at the noise a little less. I bend down to pick up the phone and put the earpiece to my ear, then I press the button to access my voicemail.
The robotic recording floats into my ear, and it asks me if I would like to proceed through the menu and listen to my messages. I look down at the buttons and press 2 to continue.
Silence for a couple of seconds, and the recording returns.
"You have 173 new messages. To listen to your messages, press 1."
The statement stops me cold. I stop breathing for a second, hoping that everyone is okay. I regret pushing 1, but I do it faster than my brain can process what I've done.
"Message 1. Kaleb. I'm sorry for storming out last night. I know you're listening to this, s-" I cut the message off by pressing 7 to save it. I already heard this message when she called that night. That was a few days after the fight.
This happens with a lot of the voicemails. I decide to save them just so they're not lost, but they wont show up as new messages anymore. I finally get to a message that I haven't heard before, and I let it play.
"Message 64. Hey, Kaleb. God, this is so stupid. Why am I doing this to myself? Of course you won't answer."
The phone clicks and the options are presented. I want to call Julianna and tell her that I want to fix things, especially since she's given up completely on me answering.
I wait though, just so I clean out the rest of my voicemail. The next one begins.
"Message 65. You have a prescription available for pickup today, February 9th, 2015. You can pick up your prescription at any of our five locations."
That's weird, I think to myself. Must have been an error in the system, sending it out early on accident. I go over to the fridge to make a note to call the pharmacy to inform them, and my eyes drift exactly where they wanted to. Just to confirm I wasn't crazy.
But for some reason, the calendar isn't just a couple months ahead. It's a whole four years ahead. My mind tries to understand what I'm seeing, but can't, so I return slowly to the only thing that offers explanation in this plain room. The answering machine.
"Message 66. Your package was left at your doorstep. This is the 5th time we have tried to reach you, and we hope that your package gets to you."
I run to the front door and throw it open, but there is no package outside. Just the empty hallway and the staircase to the right. I slowly close the door and head back to the phone.
"Message 67. I keep calling this voicemail to hear your voice. It's been almost a year now, but I can't resist the urge anymore. I miss you so much, and I hate how we left things. Anyway, I hope this gets to you somehow out in the universe."
I realize that this is a voicemail into the future, and I can only hope that Julianna and I get back together. Too eager to find out, I skip most of the next voicemails until Julianna's voice comes on again.
"Message 104. It's been three years now. The therapist thinks it's healthy for me to call this number again and just say how things are going in my life. I've gotten engaged but there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about what we had. I just hope you understood that I loved you so much."
I skip more automated messages, some of them telling me that my number will be disconnected soon. I write another note on the fridge to tell my phone company I need to pay my bill.
"Message 153. Kaleb. The name seems to keep fading from my mind the more time that passes. All I want to do is to remember it. All I can associate it with is the grief and heartbreak of how we left things. It killed me inside to know that I couldn't tell you how much I loved you before you... I can't even speak it. Before you killed yourself. There, I said it. Maybe it will bring me some closure, at least I hope because"
The machine beeps, signaling that she ran out of her message time. I skip through the rest of the messages, and hope that her voice will come through telling me that it was just a prank she was pulling on me. Some kind of twisted gag.
"Message 173. This phone number will be removed from this account due to inactivity. The date is September 14, 2017. Goodbye."
The voicemail tells me that I have no new messages, and I wish that wasn't true. I go back and look at the calendar, and sure enough, it's flipped to September of 2017. Written on the 22nd, it says "Alex's birthday" in a font that I don't recognize.
I turn around and a family of three run around the house, fast forwarding through time. I run back where the phone was when they are finally gone and time stands still, but sadly it isn't there.
I panic, and have no idea what to do next. I fling open the front door and run down the stairs to the entrance of the complex. Throwing it open, the light blinds me as I pull the covers over my head, grunting at the sunlight.
After my eyes have adjusted, I pull the covers back down and Julianna is smiling down at me. "Time to wake up, cutie," she remarks at me. "You need to go into work and collect that bonus."
I squint through my door towards the calendar in the kitchen. It reads November 2014, and I breathe in a sigh of relief.
I kiss her on the forehead and pull her into bed, her hair falling onto the white mattress. "I don't work today. The paycheck can wait a day," I tell her, enjoying my time with her and the connection we have.
And no new messages on the answering machine.