Life is short and you don't know when your borrowed time will end. This is why people often say, "Live your life to the fullest so you don't have any regrets later on". People go sky diving, climb mountains, swim with sharks, travel around the world, party all night, love and love all over again because you only live once. So enjoy all the finer things in life.
As my body fell slowly into the ground, my life flashed before my eyes. I saw how I spent each day. How each day was repetitive and monotonous. Come to think of it, I never did anything adventurous, I never pampered myself, neither did I spend time with family and friends or experience the feeling of being in love. I was spent all of my time in my career. I was its slave. All I did were things that was productive and that would give me something in return. Anything that'd lift my way of living. I need to benefit from the things that I'll be doing. And it must be something that'd be of advantage for me. And fun and excitement isn't one of those.
Every morning, the moment I opened my eyes, I would think of my job. I would think about the things that needs to be accomplished for the day. I would think about the paperworks on the table, the plans for new missions and projects, the steps I need to take in order to make them succeed. Everyday was systematic. Everyday was planned out. It was fulfilling to finish all the tasks. And the reward in the end of the day was promotion and a higher wage. But now I ask myself, was I really satisfied with it?
With a loud thud, I hit the ground and a sharp sound started ringing in my ears, drowning the screams and commotion happening around me. I felt an excruciating pain in my stomach and chest as bullets sunk deeper into my flesh. Blood soaked the thick fabric of my combat uniform as they leave the open wounds. My breath came in ragged, shallow gasps as if two strong hands were wrapped around my neck, blocking air from entering my lungs.
Then suddenly, the agonizing pain was gone. Slowly, strength left my body. The hand that was gripping on the gun was slowly losing its strength. Until I couldn't move anymore, not even able to lift a finger. I was left with icy numbness. My eyelids were heavy and barely lifting them, I stared at the night sky covered in smokes coming from guns and explosions. The darkness of the night was accompanied by screams, gunshots, anger, opposing sides, cries for help, and the desperation to live.
Maybe I am one of those who wanted to live as of this moment. Maybe I am one of those who are desperate to live.
I am one of the people who are screaming for help but couldn't.
Did I really live life the way I wanted? Or did I exist just because?
If I did, then why do I feel this way?
Black spots slowly covered my field of vision as I exhaled the remaining air from my lungs.
To be honest, I regret everything.
Please... if there is a god out there... give me another chance...
I don't want to die.
I want to live.
† † † † †
"Diana, you should try going out sometimes. Hindi 'yong puro ka nalang trabaho. How about you come with me next week. Let's hang out."
"I'll think about it, ate. I'm kind'a busy right now. Plus, I'll be assigned in a different division soon."
"Oh, come on, Diana. Just this once. We sisters should have fun. 'Yang pagiging sundalo mo nalang inaatupag mo. Minsan iniisip ko if you wanted to marry the country instead of a human being. So, come with me this coming saturday, okay? Pagbigyan mo na ate mo."
How could I say no to her? In a family, there's always someone who doesn't feel that sense of belongingness. Sa pamilya namin, ako 'yon. I always felt like I was different. I am not an over-achiever like my brothers and sisters. I do not have the traits of a business person and that's what defines our family. But luckily, I have my second oldest sister. She was the only one I could talk to. She was the only one who understands me. Ang nag-iisang miyembro ng pamilya na nasasabihan ko ng mga problema ko. Surely, I can't turn down a simple request from her.
I agreed. Just this once, I'll try doing something not related to my job.
But once again, I failed as a sister. Hindi natuloy ang bonding namin dahil may biglaang ambush na nangyari near our headquarter's premises. I apologized, she forgave me.
"There's still next time," she said. But it happened again. Twice, thrice, hanggang sa hindi ko na mabilang. Different reasons. Lahat ay related sa trabaho.
It seemed like work weighed a lot heavier than her. When I decided to make it up to her, it was too late. I broke too many promises.
Is this how afterlife should be like?
I thought I would be floating in a endless cold, dark, and empty space. But instead, I found myself lying in the middle of a vast field of flowers. I was surrounded by tall grasses and tulips gracing the vast greens with their vibrant colors. With their long stems, they looked like they were trying to reach the clear diamond sky. I sat down and the warm, gentle breeze kissed my skin. In front of me, the flower fields stretched towards the horizon. The parsley-green field kissing the blue sky.
My body felt light, as if I had a good sleep. And even with the sun rising at its peak and there were no surrounding trees to give me shade, it was suprisingly cool. It was a great place to take an afternoon nap.
I heaved a sigh of relief. The pleasant scent of fresh grass and flowers protruded my nose. I could hear birds chirping as if they were harmonizing with the sounds the wind creates as it brushed through the grasses. It was a new and a nostalgic feeling at the same time.
I closed my eyes. A small grin appeared on my face, this is too good to be true. This must be heaven.
My chest feels light as if all the burden I've been carrying in my heart is gone.
I raised both my knees, bringing them to my chests, and wrapped my arms around it. There I noticed that I was wearing a white dress with long sleeves and lacy cuffs. The fabric was thick but it was suprisingly cool. As if it was made for this kind of weather.
Maybe this is the dress my parents picked for the funeral. I smiled, they must've thought I liked lacy fabrics.
Come to think of it, my hands looked smoother. It looked soft and younger... the scars from my trainings were gone. Is this what happens when you go to heaven? They restore your body and make you look like you didn't go to stress and anxiety?
"Milady!"
I let out a chuckle before staring towards the horizon.
Maybe, God thought I'd waste my life again if he gave me another chance. So he brought me in His paradise. Honestly, heaven is much better than living again. No suffering, no pain, no problems.
But I do have regrets. Hindi naging masaya ang buhay. It seemed like everything was in color grey. Dull and boring. Only when I'm in a battlefield, a color appears. And it was red. Red like blood. I break free from the dull and boring world when there's bloodshed. Maybe because it was the only thing that gives my life meaning.
I let out a long deep breath. Why do sound like a psycopath?
If I were to choose, I would like to live again and change everything. What if I didn't focus on my work? What if I tried to reach out to my family? What if I enjoyed life? And what if... I prioritized my sister first before my job?
Will she live?
"Milady!"
I blinked. What's that voice?
Wait... I'm not alone?
"Milady!"
I immediately turned towards the origin of the voice. And there I saw a maid... running towards me. How can I tell that she was a maid? Well, it was obvious. Unless of course if dressing up like a maid is a normal thing here. Her black long-sleeved dress danced as she run towards my direction. I was glad that her dress only reached mid-calf so she didn't trip over. The dress that has white collars hugging her neck was underneath a white apron, with bib and strap, and has a ruffly edges. Her hair was in a messy and her white cap was out of place. As if she ran all over the town desperately looking for something. She stops running to catch her breath then run again until she reached me.
I stared at her, eyes wide open.
With one hand she was clutching her chest and using the other to support herself.
My brows furrowed. Why is there a maid in heaven? Even a first-grader knows that there's equality in heaven. But why did this girl call me 'milady'? Calling me that way means she's serving me. But is it me to begin with?
I looked around to see if there's anyone else behind me. But there's only the vast field.
"M-milady... I... I looked for you everywhere."
I looked at the girl then pointed at myself. "M-me?"
She didn't answer my question. I was shocked when she suddenly kneeled in front with her head down as if waiting to get hit. "This servant is incompetent! I deserve punishment!"
To say I was surprised is an understatement.. I-is this even allowed in heaven? I didn't know a social hierarchy existed in such a place. And I seem to land on a higher grade.
"Ah, I'm..."
"Milady this servant failed to do what you command! I deserve punishment!"
"W... wait... I don't quite..."
"Ah! This servant cut you off while you were spea..." She stopped for a few seconds then she lowered her head more, almost kissing the ground. "This servant interrupted milady again from speaking! This servant deserves to be locked down in the cellar! Please, milady can do whatever she wants for this servant is incompetent and is a complete idiot! I deserve to be whipped a thousand times!"
I'm pretty sure this isn't how things are done in heaven. Moreover, why is she referring to herself in a third person point of view?
"Calm down. I'm not gonna do that."
I sat down attempting to calm her down. I tried patting her shoulder but the moment I touched she flinched as if my touch would burn her. My eyes grew wide when she started trembling and tears started to roll down her cheeks.
"I'm sorry...I'm sorry... Please don't hurt me..."
Why is she so scared? What did I do to scare her like this? Why is she calling me 'milady'?
What is going on here?
My heart pounded inside my chest. I died, right? But this isn't heaven.
As if a large set of drums were being hit harder and faster. Cold sweat started rolling down on the side of my face. I clutched my head when suddenly a seering pain hit me. It was accompanied by a shard noise that felt like it'd pierce my eardrums. I tightly closed my eyes as if it was the only way to lessen the pain I was feeling. But it didn't work, it only made it worse.
So I opened my eyes, but suddenly the pain was gone, just like that, as well as the girl in front of me. Instead, in front... no, on top of me is a fast falling meteor. The pressure it had with it is so immense that it's making my knees go weak and rooted to ground. The pressure alone felt like it was digging a hole into my body as if paving a way of entreance for the massive meteorite that is about to crush me.
I was scared but I couldn't move. I was scared but I couldn't close my eyes. To be honest, I was also fascinated by the beautiful light as it slowly engulfed me.
Then suddenly, my body was falling at an alarming speed. As if I was the meteor itself. Below me is a girl. Her golden blonde hair fluttered in the wind as her emerald eyes stared at me in fascination.
† ‡ ‡ ‡ †
A girl was standing in a field tulips. Under the blue sky, the lush, tall grasses and the vibrant colored tulips danced with the wind as if worshipping the brightly dressed girl. She was wearing a red ruffly dress with gold lining on it's hem, collar and on it's lacy cuffs. The dress' torso were embroidered with roses and embellished with crystals. Despite the extravagant design, seeing as how her skirt fluttered with the wind, the dress was made with a light material designed in this kind of weather. She was dressed flamboyantly, as if she was dressed to impress and to seek attention.
Her long hair fluttered with the wind. The sun emphasized it's blonde color as if golden treasures seeing light for the first time. The strands of her hair were like golden threads as it brushed her fair skin.
The girl lifted her head. Suddenly, the surrounding turned dark and above her is a bright light falling fast as if a huge ball of fire thrown into earth with force. The girl didn't move an inch. Spreading her arms, she welcomed the light.
I slowly lifted her heavy eyelids. But I was forced to close it again because of the bright light that is seeping through the drapes. I gently rubbed my eyes, helping me adjust with the surrounding. When sleep finally left my body, I opened my eyes again.
The first thing that entered my field of vision was the ceiling. A really low ceiling. If I stood up, I'd be able to reach it without even raising an arm.
On the ceiling, a crest was painted... no, carved. The crest was a rectangle like shield and behind it was a sword positioned vertically. In front of the shield was a red rose. It's petals appeared to be protecting the sun positioned in the middle of it.
Somehow, it reminded me of the crest from the novel I read 2 weeks before I died. It was exactly the same.
I raised my hand and slowly traced the crest mid-air with my index finger.
The family who owns this crest was a family of knights. That explains the sword and the shield. The red rose was what defined the family. A beautiful rose, it's gentle petals wrapped around the sun— which is the king, protects what it holds in the middle, it's thorns ready to attack anyone that harms it.
"What a coincidence..." I whispered. My throat was dry so I wasn't surprise that no voice came out of it.
I averted my gaze towards my raised hand.
When did I have such small yet slender hands? And it was fair and smooth, its knuckles pinkish, and nails clean. I slowly raised my other hand and pondered, where are the scars left by cuts and bruises from my trainings?
I sluggishly propped myself up. By sitting up, I got a clear view of my surrounding.
It turns out the ceiling with the crest wasn't a ceiling but the roof of the bed I was sitting on. The four pillars supporting the bed's roof were carved with vine-like designs and was painted with gold. Even the headboard painted with gold were carved with the same intricate designs. Velvet red curtains draped on the sides of the bed's roof giving privacy to whoever was sleeping on the bed.
I blinked. I just noticed the this four-poster bed was big. Big enough to squeeze five people in. I looked at the blanket covering my lower body, it was also a fancy red velvet blanket embroidered with golden roses. Behind me were large pillows and bolsters that has the same design as the blanket.
And a brown teddy bear with buttons for eyes and a thick red ribbon tied wrapped around it's neck.
I clutched the thick blanket.
Where am I? Did I survive?
I stepped out of the bed and hastily flipped the drape covering the bed. I stagerred a bit when I stood up but was able to regain my balance. I immediately stopped when I noticed the room I was in.
The four-walled room was huge. Probably twice larger than my condominium unit which I rarely use. The cream-colored wallpapers have red roses and golden leaf patterns. The spaces between the patterns were narrow so the walls appear red instead of cream. I raised my head to look at the tall ceiling. It was painted with lavish patterns but what stood out the most were the roses and its golden vines.
Hanging above the mini living room was a crystal chandelier. The crystal reflected the sunlight coming from two huge windows situated on one side of the room. It was so huge it would count as a door.
In the middle of the room, below the crystal chandelier was a fancy sofa and two couches. I walked towards it and noticed that it was of the same materials as the bed. Red velvet cushion seats with golden rose patterns. The curvaceous legs of the sofa, couches, the small table in the middle and even the ottomans have the same carvings.
I looked down when i stepped on something soft. It was a red rug and probably was the only thing in the room that does not have roses as a design. Instead of roses the rug has a bold, golden damasks as patterns.
I sighed. The person who owns this room is obviously rich and is able to decorate their house with antiques. And they sure are fond of roses. And very arrogant and a fancy-pants.
I looked around any noticed the decorations on the wall. All are picture frames. Honestly, if their are other stuff hanging on the wall considering the over-the-top wallpapers, it won't be pleasing to the eyes.
The mini living room was facing the largest picture frame in the room, probably half of the room's double door. Half of the picture frame was covered by a thick red cloth. The frame obviously contains a painting of woman. The uncovered part shows a slender hand wearing white, lacy gloves. On her ring finger was a silver ring set with a ruby gemstone.
For unknown reasons, my heart thumped and I was slowly enveloped by curiosity. This ring seemed familiar. Slowly, I walked towards the frame. But before I could raise an arm to grab the cloth, I noticed through my peripheral vision a full size mirror near the large window.
I was rooted to the ground. I slowly turned towards the mirror. I felt my scalp go numb and my heart felt like it fell from my chest. With widened eyes, i parted my lips and so did the girl in the mirror. I swallowed the lump in my throat hoping that I'd be able ease the heavy feeling in my chest but it did nothing. I took a step towards the mirror. Every move I made, the girl copied them. Even the dumbfounded expression on my face was reflected on hers.
As I drew nearer, my heart pounded even faster. It echoed it my ears as if a drum was being beaten in a haste. Questions were filling up my head.
I stopped in front of the mirror. Still with eyes wide, I looked at the girl in the mirror from head to toe. And as expected, she copied my action.
The girl was the opposite of what I originally looked like. She was obviously younger than me, probably half my age. But she was tall for someone around the age of 17 or 18.
I stepped closer to the mirror and the girl's hair caught the early morning light emphasizing it's golden blonde color. It draped up to her waist, curling towards the end. A pair of emerald orbs caught the sunlight and shone like a jewel in the dark. Her arched eyebrows emphasized her almond shaped eyes making her appear high and ambitious. Under her right eye was a beauty mark with the color of a cinnabar. She has tall nose and natural rosy cheeks. Her lips were red and full. It looked smooth and soft to touch.
Her fair skin glowed with a hint of pink making it look like a newly bloomed pink rose, plump and soft. She was wearing a pastel pink, flowy, long-sleeved night dress with hemlines reaching mid-calf.
She was beautiful.
"I-Is this... me?" I gasped. Did I get reincarnated into the body of a western girl who had a hobby of collecting Victorian antiques?
I walked even closer towards the mirror. "Is this really me?"
Was I given a second chance? Did someone up there here my prayers? Did they pity me so they decided to let me live? In a body of some stranger?
My heart was beating faster and faster. I was so overwhelmed by emotions that I felt my chest tightened. It was a mixture of confusion, bewilderment, relief and happiness.
I clutched my chest and crouched down as I felt my eyes getting hot as tears threatened to fall.
I didn't die... I didn't die...
I'm alive.
I'm alive.
Someone heard me.
Tears started rolling down my cheeks.
Thank you.
†††††