MYS 22
Seeing the already crowded class, I couldn't help but sigh in annoyance. My school days that should have been enjoyed like those laughing happily, joking carelessly or busy copying a friend's homework was for me like a mirage in the scorching desert. Because I'm just a speck of dust in a sea of sand, it means nothing, makes me feel inferior.
What did I do wrong?
Who without me knowing I have hurt?
It's not karma because I ignored Andi right?
"Called Amad. Tell him to practice," shouted Ana from the door.
"Yes," I replied quickly grabbing a sports shirt, running to the badminton court. I won't get anything if I just think about it, it's better to do what I can do and be useful to others. Isn't that what humans are called social creatures?
"Anggi, how come you're not in the mood today?" asked Amad as soon as we finished training. One more week for the competition in Semarang but I don't feel motivated.
"Yeah, I'm sorry, Amad. I'm still in a bad mood... I feel like I've never bothered anyone, why does it feel like this.." I rambled on and on, there was no end. From the beginning of the exercise, I hit it carelessly, it must have made it difficult for Amad to balance the position behind him.
"Pray a lot and ask for directions so that the best way is given," Amad suggested then just leave.
If you talk about Amad, then you will go deep into it. Like the tip of an arrow that is shot and hits the right target, but not Arjuna's arrow but an arrow full of advice.
The following days I passed still with the same feeling. Still being escorted by my father to school, and walking home instead of bothering Ana who is also busy preparing for the basketball competition. And Budi, who kept asking when he wanted to leave his bicycle at his house, to which I always replied that the tires on his bicycle had not yet been bought, still with rusty rims.
I have also prayed and asked for guidance day and night. And the result is that we lost in the semi-finals. Makes me even more down. Down. Be humble as much as possible. In the past my passion was badminton, now because of my mistake, my partner playing badminton is also affected.
"Amad, I'm sorry, I was wrong," I said I couldn't help but be disappointed. We came from Kebumen but didn't get the trophy... I can't describe it. In my heart, I was crying full of regret.
"It's okay. We've arrived here pretty well. There's never been a generation before we arrived at the province." comforted Amad while gently patting my right shoulder once.
"Yeah... but... still..." I almost sobbed in front of Amad and Pak Pujo but my self-esteem was too high to hold back the tears.
"Yes, Anggi, Amad, we take a 30-minute break. Then go home." closed Pak Pujo leading me to the changing room. That's where I cried, letting the disappointment of my unworthy self present my feelings.
Honestly, I'm embarrassed to hold my head up. Shame if you later face the father and mother. Shame if later when you enter the school you meet the class. Even ashamed of my reflection in the mirror. I'm shy. The feeling of losing the match was so great the effect, it turns out.
To treat my feelings a little from the defeat, I finally followed Amad's advice, taking weekly recitations at the mosque near the school. Therefore the first time I met Umi Sarah, the head of the study I attended.
"Assalamu'alaikum Umi, introduce me to Anggi from the school next door." Who am I nervous about? Umi Sarah is the type of mother who is calm, full of motherly aura and smile. Not only my hands were shaken, I even hugged him. Mother's hugs are full of longing.
"Wa'alaikum, greetings, Mrs. Anggi." replied Umi Sarah.
"Umi, can I have a moment of your time?" I asked doubtfully.
"I can. Do you want to talk about it?" Umi Sarah guessed. I just blushed silently, embarrassed because her intentions were discovered.
"Yes, Uma." I took a breath before continuing. "Look, Umi. How do we manage our hearts, especially when we are hit by a bad feeling?"
"What do you mean?"
"It's just like that, Umi."
"The key is only one, don't give up having a good attitude towards Allah. The test doesn't come because Allah doesn't love Him but because Allah loves His servants very much. And for teenagers at Anggi's age, of course, because Allah wants to test the heart so that Anggi's heart will be stronger."
"What do you mean, Umi?" I honestly don't understand.
"It could be that the feeling of confusion that Anggi is experiencing is the fruit of prayers from Anggi's parents who always pray for the good for their child. Parents want their children to be mature, not to take wrong steps, and be kept away from bad associations. Therefore, God tested Anggi's heart, how far can Anggi take care of herself, maintain the trust that her parents gave her..."
"But what if that feeling doesn't go away even though you've prayed a lot?"
"Be patient and keep praying. It may not be answered because Allah loves to hear our complaints and prayers. Allah wants to continue to hear them in the last third of the night, in every dhikr we do or in every sunnah fast that we do as a way of endeavor." Umi explained with a soothing voice.
Hearing what Umi Sarah just said, that what I had been doing was wrong. When I have a problem. I pray diligently. But after my problem is raised, I will come back and rarely pray. That's where I was embarrassed.
"Umi, even though Anggi isn't wearing a hijab, can she take a routine study?"
"That's okay. Every Muslim is required to continue to study. That way, there will be awareness towards that by itself. In the end, Anggi will wear the hijab by itself with the permission of Allah in a beautiful way." replied Umi Sarah.
"Anggi is not ready to wear a hijab properly, Umi." fight me.
"Never say that. Hijab is mandatory. It's not a matter of being ready or not. What Anggi needs to do now is study, seek knowledge while young. After a lot of knowledge, Anggi will wear the hijab on its own without any doubts about readiness. Anggi understand? " said Umi Sarah without any tone of patronizing. Umi Sarah's tone of voice, which is soft and cool to the heart, has not once made me hurt or hurt my still high ego.
"Understood, Umi," I said firmly.
Now I realize. It turns out that confiding in the right person was able to lift a little more anxiety in my heart. Rather than boasting that it's not clear to just anyone. It only makes my psyche more complicated.
…
The word 'sacrifice' is ingrained in my life dictionary. That's why I'm willing to use my savings to buy new bicycle tires instead of waiting for my old payday mom.
- TBC -