*Depression Trigger Warning*
Maria POV:
I walked up the spiral staircase to my dorm holding my gray cloth Asher had returned to me.
I unlocked the door and collapsed on the bed, taking off the mask I wore. Silence wrapped around my ears, but only for a short moment before my heart yearned to be heard.
Why are boys so frustrating? Can't they just live with what they have?
Asher has something he's trying to hide, probably stupidity.
I sighed as the floorboard creaked under my foot as I walked toward the door to shut it. Loneliness surrounded me as I walked to my desk, cluttered with books and other things. All of these things were for the advanced studies program, something I got tested for and passed, it's pretty easy but, I still don't like it.
I opened one, highlighting and answering questions that were assigned. Finishing that, I opened my computer, the blue light blinding me.
I opened my eyes wider, not surrendering, the battle between me and my computer continued until it backed down and I could see clearly again. When I finished my work, I closed my computer.
I opened my viola case, getting into position, with the shoulder rest on and my bow tightened. I looked at the sheet of music presented to me. Black and white, these colors are the same colors I would use when I described life. But, it's funny how this scale, though black and white, was the key to the door that unlocked my color.
Taking a deep breath, I started playing. E, D#, notes flew through my head, commanding me to do such, and I willingly did. Suddenly it was over, my arm fell, and I could breath. Colors swirled around me, and I smiled.
Finally, I escaped my prison called life. I looked at the clock and it was time to eat my dinner. I sighed and packed up, heading downstairs only for me to continue my façade of 'perfect girl'.
I quickly selected a sandwich and water. Gobbling it up quickly I ran upstairs, hoping there was still time to practice. I looked up and my hopes deflated, there was no time left at all.
Setting everything in its place, I headed toward the bathroom, looking at the mirror. My eyes looked back, it has always fascinated me how there was light in my eyes but it was never true. I smiled and took my toothbrush, my hand accidentally touching the mirror.
A shock tingled through me, it was cold, like my golden heart. Funny how gold is the best heat conductor but it can't heat up if it doesn't have any heat. The bristles on my toothbrush reminded me of a bow, and my teeth, strings. Every time I moved the bow, it made a sound, but to complete the solo, I need to touch every part of my mouth. I did what my mind told it to do, and played.
Setting my brush down. I smiled and spit it out. I exited the bathroom and wore my PJs, I let the silk sooth my skin as I sunk deeper into the bed, as I let sleep take me.
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"Sorry! I'll do better next time!" I yelled as I looked up at the faceless people. They just laughed at me and my failures.
"Please stop!" I cried out they didn't stop.
"Think you're so smart, let's see what you can do without your viola!", they took it from me.
"Catch us, little Ms. Prodigy!", running far away into the labyrinth that showed my doom, I ran after them. Turning every corner I found another faceless person, every dead end had one. They didn't stop haunting me, they couldn't even let me go in my dreams. I ran past every laughing face further and further into my own mind. My roses grew on the walls showing me their petals, but their thorns pierced me. I can look at my roses all I want, but I can't ignore the feeling of a thorn piercing me. Each memory flooded back to me as I ran into another dead end, but this one, didn't have a person, but a mirror.
I looked into it as memories were revealed. I was reminded of my earliest memory, me trying to catch a butterfly. I looked through the world of my 3 year old self eyes. Simple enough for me to understand but complex enough for me to ask questions.
People change, no, they discover their own mind. Children, innocent, only because they haven't seen the dark side of their minds. Adults, wise, for they know what they are capable of. Everyone has a mind that's a labyrinth, with roses and thorns, with their darkest fears around a corner.
The memory starts to fade as my reflection comes back. Funny, how people try to take revenge on their enemies, but they never take any revenge on their minds, for their mind is their greatest enemy. It tells me how to see and what to do. It can be helpful, it tells me how to love, but it also tells me how to hate. It lets me discover the good, but also the bad. Let me see through a certain lens, the rose colored ones, sunglasses, or the clear ones. We humans try to show our good sides, but if I open my eyes, I see that even angels aren't what they seem.
The human mind is evolution's greatest achievement, yet it's the same things that ruins the planet. A gift or a curse, it's up to us to make it lean one way or another. Even though the memories that haunt us are chosen by us, the memories that are made are not up to us. Though many know this, they don't really take heed of it, they hope they are the ones that control their destiny. But it's the people and the desires of others that shape a person. Nobody can defy this but nobody can accept it. Same goes for me, I know this, but do I wish it was different, yes I do.
My sadness and pain aren't controlled by me, it's controlled by my memories. Things might not come into action when it happens because I know it'll end, but the memory lurking in me, reminding me that I'm not the one in control of my destiny, is what scares me. This dream and all of the other ones are illusions created by the mind, a way to remind me that it's working. The mind keeps us alive when it works, but when it makes a mistake, we die.
I stepped away from the mirror and I ran and ran until I entered the center off my mind. I touched the viola, it disappeared, reminding me that my mind can create illusions, but can't make the real thing. But it can remind me that it's in control, not me, myself, and I.
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My alarm rang into my ears as I opened my eyes. My palms unclenched as sweat dripped off my hand. I got up and went to the bathroom.
I looked into the mirror into my eyes and hoped the day was nice to me. Finishing my morning routine, I ran downstairs to get to my class.
My stomach told me to eat, but I took a drink instead, all I needed was to stay awake, not waste time when I could be practicing.
I finished my drink, but when I looked up, I saw faceless people around me. A few laughed, at what? It's not my business.
"She thinks she's perfect! Well listen up Maria, you're not!" one of them whispered among her friends, they laughed. It was just like my dream, but made by others, controlled by their brains, not mine.
My feet started to move and I ran around the corner, into an empty classroom. Where I was secluded, my fake self fell, and my feelings rose. I had a panic attack, something I wish I could control.