I sit up in bed, my body is covered in sweat, my breath is erratic, and uneven. What dream did I have for me to be like this? I don't remember my dreams anymore after the incident with my dad, I just can't seem to remember them, no matter how hard I tried.
I pulled the covers over my head to block the sunlight coming in and check my phone.
That's weird the time on my phone reads seven in the morning why the hell am I up so early? I turn over and close my eyes trying to fall back into a deep sleep.
"Jamie"...."jamie'' I know that voice. It's a comforting soft, calming voice, one that for the most part makes me feel okay. Who's voice is it? "Jamie...Jamie Grant!" Finally I open my eyes and turn around, that soft comforting voice is my mothers voice, Janet Grant.
My mom is an amazing person, she's understanding, calm, collected, and is really smart, but she's broken, deeply broken.
"Morning mom" I reach my arms up for a hug and she reciprocates it.
"Morning sweetheart."
"Why are you waking me up so early? Are you going to work soon?" My normally cold monotone voice is deep and scratchy this morning. I was probably talking in my sleep again.
"You have school today baby,"
My stomach drops and I sit up, back against the bed frame looking my mom in the eyes.
"Repeat that please?"
she looks at me "you have school today jamie grant so get your butt moving we have to leave by 7 or so" she kisses me on the cheek and leaves before i can beg her for me to have one more day before i go back.
fuck i punch the bed a bit beore i finally get up an drag my feet to the bathroom mumbling to myself about how i hate this and how school sucks ass.
Upon entering the bathroom and turning on the light I am greeted by a boy in the mirror, his back is hunched a bit and dark circles crowd around his eyes, you could tell this boy has been through shit, you could see it in his dead eyes, his dead brown eyes.
Sadly this boy is me, Jamie grant.
i turn the shower on and tug my shirt off, i try to avoid looking in the mirror, when im naked you can practically see my ribs and it freaks me out too much so i try to not look at myself naked. getting into the shower felt nice, i think it's been three days since i last showered? yea i think like three days. The heat felt so good on my body, it felt so needed and calming, till my arm started to burn. I forgot about those cuts.
my left and right arms are covered in them, deep ones shallow ones etc etc. it's one of my more worse coping mechanisms.
Besides the stinging my shower was well needed and relaxing to say the least.
My usual and most comfortable styles of clothes is black jeans that probably haven't been washed for a while, a long sleeved shirt and a hoodie, and to tie it all together with some black boots.
Finally once I'm downstairs I'm in the kitchen practically begging for my mom to let me have one more break from school.
"No jamie, three weeks you've been home for three weeks. I am not gonna stand here and watch as you stay in your own room, practically rotting in your own depression. I know you hate school but you need to get out of the house"
"But mom please I don't wanna go" I try to bring out the puppy eyes but of course they don't work.
"No, you're going. I swear this will help you feel better"
I give up and just go along with her to the car and head to my own personal hell.
The car ride to school and the walk to first period was filled with Playlists of my favorite songs and mentally hyping myself up,it doesn't work of course, and I walk into my first period which is art. Fun.
Art is fun dont get me wrong but on days when i have no motivation and my mind feels like my enemy art feels like an absolute fucking job. Plus i'm not very good at art, half the time i just scribble some shit on paper, usually whatever i'm feeling,and boom art i don't even try at it anymore.
As I was looking down at my phone I felt someone move the seat next to me and sit down, I of course flinch at this sudden movement and try to quickly look at the poor soul who decided to sit next to my sorry ass.
I looked up and, words can not explain how beautiful this man that sat next to me is. First off, he has curly hair that, is blonde may i add but it's not dumb blond, blond ya know? It's like a golden brown blond.
Second off, he has like caramel skin. It is so beautiful.
And the cherry topping to this all? His eyes, they aren't blue like how a lot of basic hot guys' eyes are, they're light brown and they shine amazingly in this morning light that is perfectly hitting him right now.
If god looked like him, I would be a total jesus freak.
I guess i was staring at him for too long because now he's looking at me and i shiver because holy shit a hot guy is looking at me, i could die right now because honestly all my life goals are practically completed.
"Hey" this beautiful man says to me, god even his voice is hot.
"U-um, hello" I stutter out like a complete idiot. Fuck what an amazing way to start this conversation.
"I moved here recently, like last week, so i'm still trying To get to know everyone in my classes" he put his hand out for a handshake, i don't think i've seen a more beautiful hand before.
"O-oh" is all I can muster.
"My name's Cleo by the way, Cleo ram. I don't think I've seen you in this class in the week I've been in this school, are you also new?"
Fuck
"N-no i was on '' i pause to think of a good excuse as to why i've been gone for three weeks "i was on vacation, in florida visiting family, fun stuff like that '' my moms an only child and my grandparents are dead.
"Oh thats cool. Do you like to-"
"Sorry I'm a little late for class, principal ruben caught me in a conversation and that man doesn't know when to stop talking" my art teacher, Mrs Avery says as she walks into class cutting off my conversation with cleo.
He looks at me, giving me a look practically saying 'well continue this later' i mean i doubt it, but hey a guy can still dream.
The rest of the class the teacher talked about an art project that will last a month and how it's about 'expressing ourselves' and my dear reader that is the most gayest thing i've ever heard and it's okay i'm allowed to say that, i am gay so don't go cancelling me on twitter.
She handed out big canvases and listed ideas of what we can draw or brainstorm and left the rest of class to us.
I pulled out my sketchbook and when I couldn't think of anything to 'brainstorm' I just put my head down and slept for the remaining 40 minutes of class. I always do this so my teacher's don't bother to wake me up anymore and just leave me be, which is the smart decision, because for the most part, when it's not a hot guy, I am not afraid to be a total smart ass.
I wake up to the annoying bell indicating the end of period one and I get up, still half asleep and put my sketch book away. I take a quick look around the class to see if cleo is anywhere else's, i don't know why i would do this not like i would even have the gull to approach him, and not much to my surprise he's already talking it up with the football and soccer players, aka the popular guys who think they run this school because their 'hot' and are dating the lead cheerleader or something like that. I don't know, I don't try to pay attention to those guys because what's the point, it's not like I'm even interested in those ugly bastards there, the last person on my imagniable 'to date guys' list.
The rest of the school day is boring and annoying. It's filled with look's from people, they probably know why I was gone for three weeks, the teacher's themselves can't help but gossip. 'Oh did you hear what happened to him and his dad?' 'what a poor kid' 'i heard....' 'Did you know his mother is barely home?' 'have you seen his arm' they probably said stuff like that.
Yea keep talking your shit, it's not like anything is gonna change what happened. God the rumor mill is so fucking dumb. Things constantly change and get fucked up. Oh chelsy said this and she did this and blah blah blah. Jesus cant they just stay out of my life and shut the fuck up.
I texted mom that i would be walking home, she probably won't see it for awhile, she's a nurse so she's constantly running around the hospital doing this and that for other people, working her ass off. Sucks see's her tired all the time but it's not like I can do anything for her besides trying to be a good son for her, in her eyes anyways.
I stop by the nearest 711 on my way home thinking of what i'm going to get for my after school 'feast' aka, a monster and some candy.
"That'll be 17.5" the cashier says
I rummage through my bag looking everywhere for my wallet, I check through my pockets etc and I can't find it. "I remember putting it in my bag" I mumble as I keep looking. I give up after a minute. "S-sorry I can't seem to find my wallet, I'll put these back" I grab the snacks and do the walk of shame to the fridge and candy aisle.
I open the door and feel the cold autumn breeze run through my hair and it feels nice and refreshing. I head to a park next because at home it is lonely and quiet and I can't stand it.
I squat down under the jungle gym, it's empty due to the change of fall to winter, and pull out a lighter and a cigarette and light it, feel the smoke gather up in my mouth, inhale it into my lungs and feel that sweet head high numb my legs and any anxiety I feel. I don't smoke that dumb flair shit, it's for people who want to look cool and who are afraid of the underlying issues but me? I don't care. I will do anything to ruin my body that is my main goal in my life to ruin my body and then die, a nice way to go out.
"Didn't think to see you here" I hear that deep amazingly hot voice, cleo.
Shit. he pokes his head out, not giving me enough time to put my cig out and here we are. Me squatting down smoking and him poking his head around to see this.
"Smoking eh?" he smirkes
"Yea, and?"
"You should really stop, it's bad for you" he gets closer to me
"And? What if that's my goal?"
"You really shouldn't smoke around here either, there's wood chips around and plus kids might come by" he completely ignores what i said and instead takes my cigarette, goes to the blacktop and stomps it out.
"Dude what the fuck?"
"Told ya it's bad for you"
"And again, i dont really give a fuck. You're an asshole" I get up, get my bag and leave him. Fuck him. You don't do that to someone who you just met. So what if he's hot, he's obviously an asshole.
I walk home and when I enter my room I open the window and smoke another cigarette. I put it out on my arm when I'm done and go to bed without doing homework, without eating and feeling like a failure, like everyday.
I have another horrible dream and the only thing I can remember is my dad's drunken smirk as he ruthlessly beat my mother. That's the first dream i've remembered in the last 5 month.