I had a dream that I was falling in a pitch black pit. I was terrified. My heart felt like it was on the verge of imploding. I felt icky and, even though I was surrounded by darkness, it felt as if something was closing in on me. Something was suffocating me.
I kept on falling. And falling. And falling. There was no end to it. No ground to assure me that it was going to stop. I tried to scream but something heavy was sitting on my throat.
A song began to play. The melody was sweet and slow. And then I heard a deep voice burst out in laughter. The music continued to play and the voice continued to laugh. The volume of the music increased with each passing second, drowning out the delighted laugh.
I wanted it to stop.
"You just can't stop can you, Nancy?" A voice sounded in my thoughts.
No. I wanted it to stop.
"We don't have to if you don't want to."
No.
"Jump."
My heart stilled.
"I'll be right behind you. I promise."
I stopped falling.
"Hey, hey. Don't look at him. Look at me."
I felt a soft hand caress my cheek. I was crying and I didn't even know it.
"Don't cry, I promise I'll be right behind you. Just don't look at him."
My heart began to beat again at a steady beat. I began to fall again, but slowly this time.
"Just. Jump."
I let go.
"Nancy! No!
I woke with a start. My hands were gripping the sheets, and beads of sweat were rolling down my forehead. There was a tingling sensation on my left cheek. I slowly traced my fingers down the area and tried to remember the feeling of the soft touch. I couldn't.
It was still dark outside and the only source of light in my room was the crescent moon. I could see her through the gap in between my curtains. She looked beautiful and the light that she illuminated looked angelic.
"Just another nightmare," I whispered to her, ripping my sheets off of me. A small, shaky breath escaped my lips.
"Same old meaningless nightmare," I told her as I jumped out of bed and made my way towards my window. I pulled open the curtains and looked up.
"I just wish this were over."
Every time that I thought about my nearing demise, a small part of me attempted to nudge my thoughts elsewhere.
"Elsewhere" was dark. It was a part of my brain that was filled with nothing.
But sometimes I couldn't help but think that there was something there – something that my brain was trying to make me remember.
A memory or memories.
"If you can't remember it, your mind is trying to protect you from something. Or someone."
*****
14 days
Moosh was my second home. It sold the best coffee in town, had the best view of the sunset, and an aesthetic that just calmed the mind.
The place was simple. It had yellow booths and sunflowers in vases that sat at each table. The whole place was bright and yellow. The sign Moosh was yellow, the waitresses wore black and yellow checkered dresses (black and yellow checkered pants and t-shirts for the boys), the menu was white with yellow flower sketches all over it; every thing was yellow. Even the coffee cups.
The day that I met Nick at Moosh, I was standing in the line next to him while scrolling through my gallery. I wasn't looking at anything in particular, just avoiding the uncomfortable feeling I got whenever I stood in queues. I could see Nick from the corner of my eye. His hands were stuffed deep down in his jean pockets, and his eyes kept on scanning the menu on the big screens ahead.
Having lived for eighteen years in the town, I had seen some worthwhile faces. Some really good looking, worthwhile faces. I never got past the stage of saying hello to those faces because, well, I was Nancy – the girl who could barely construct a sentence around people she found attractive. Don't get me wrong, I was a confident girl who loved herself from top to bottom. I could spark up a conversation with any stranger. But. I could not spark a single conversation or relationship with any boy who made my heart do a Beyoncè.
But there was something about Nick. He didn't have the body or face of a model, but his tall and skinny figure had somehow managed to draw my attention to him. Unintentionally, I fully turned my head in his direction and took a good look at him. Before I could take in his features, he turned to look at me and smiled. It was a small smile. Almost as if he was telling me to stop staring. And so I did, until he tsked me a second later.
"Hi." His smile grew wider, revealing his slightly crocked teeth. There was something about his smile that gave me the feeling of déjà vu.
"Hey," I responded, a bit too loudly. I was hoping that the conversation would end there but it didn't – Nick was out to get me.
"I like your outfit," he said.
I looked down at my denim dungaree and adventure time sleeves sticking out of it, accompanied by my favourite black wedge sneakers. Earlier that morning I had faked an afro with my uncombed kinky hair. A bird's nest was more alluring compared to the current state of my hair. Plus I was dressed like a confused child – as my aunt would always say to me– so I wasn't so sure if Nick meant what he said or if he was just being sarcastic.
"Thanks," I managed to say, quickly looking away.
Nick was attractive. However, I didn't want to have high hopes because I knew he would be nothing but an attractive face I once saw.
My heart thought otherwise. As usual