There always comes a time where we believe that everything will always be steady. . That everything will remain the same. . That memories we create would always be filled with happiness and it would never end.
But sometimes that belief is shattered when we experience things we least expected. That we stay strong no matter what happens. . But we will always break. Hindi sa lahat ng panahon matatag tayo. Tayo mismo ay tao rin. Masasaktan. Makakasakit. Mawawalan.
I thought everything would remain. That nothing could break the bond between us. Pero mali pala ako. . . Dahil ang mga nakaraan mismo ang sumira sa kung ano man ang nasa amin.
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. . Nakakatawa ka talaga. . Gaya parin ng dati."
I looked at my classmates as they stare, terrified at Jord. Binuhusan niya ng maduming tubig si Aadiv. . No one knew this would happen and no one dared to confront him. Bigla na lang siyang pumasok sa aming classroom. Ni hindi nga namin alam na nag-aaral pala siya dito.
"Kung sino man ang hahadlang sa kin ay makakatikim ng impyerno!" Tatawa niyang sigaw na nakaturo namin.
No one would dare. He's terrifying. No one knows how to defend themselves except to tell the teacher. But it seems he already read our minds.
"Kung sino rin ang magsusumbong ay paparusahan ko. . See you later Humpty. ." Aniya tsaka nagmartsa palabas.
Noong nandoon pa kami sa gubat ay sinabihan niya ako sa lahat. Jord used to bully him for being weak and crying often. Pero ang kapatid nilang babae ay nakipag kaibigan sa kanya. Aadiv kept on rejecting her dahil mapapahamak lamang siya pag nalaman ng mga kuya niya na magkaibigan sila. The girl took it to heart. She committed suicide. . .
He told me that he had a trauma. . I realized, we're quite similar.
Siyempre no one consoled Aadiv. Natatakot sila.
Well, I'm not scared.
"Are you okay?" Tanong ko tsaka naglahad ng panyo.
"Yeah. . " Aniya tsaka kinuha ang panyo at ipinahid sa kanyang mukha.
"You should change. . " Sambit ko at tinulungan siyang magpahid.
Dumaan Ang mga araw at nagtuloy tuloy ang pambubully kay Aadiv.
Hindi ko na talaga matiis eh. His forcing Aadiv to fight back kahit Alam niyang hindi gusto ni Aadiv. Gigil na gigil na talaga ako! Kaya nung isang araw ay hindi ko na napigilan.
"How can you people force a person to fight if he doesn't want to?" nilakihan ko Ang aking boses.
Napatingin naman ang lahat sa kin gaya ni Jord. "Oh. . . You're Aadiv's girlfriend right?" Tanong niya.
I didn't answer.
"Don't meddle with my affairs." Aniya tsaka lumapit sa kin. "Unless you want to switch places with him. . " Turo Niya Kay Aadiv.
"Tsk!" I spat. Kinuha ko ang aking water bottle, binuksan iyon at isinampal sa kanya ang tubig na laman.
He let out a bark of a laughter.
Napaismid naman ako. He sounds like a mad man.
"You're tough. Let's see how you'll handle everything I throw at you. . " Aniya tsaka lumabas na.
Nagsigawan ang aking mga kaklase. They're cheering! Nahagip ng paningin ko si Aadiv. Nakakunot lamang ang noo na nakatingin sa kin. Now what's his problem?
That day, he warned me not to interfere. But it's too late.
Nagdaan ang mga araw at hindi na binubilly si Aadiv. But, he bullied me. . .
Nung isang araw nung kumakain ako ay hinagisan niya ako ng bato, it landed on my food, mud spread all over. . It was such a headache! Madalas na nga akong hindi nakakakain.
Nung nag p.e kami ay pinagbabato niya ako ng mga bato at sanga. Well, it's fine. .
Palagi rin niya ako binubuhusan ng maduming tubig gaya ng ginawa niya kay Aadiv, kaya kailangan ko palaging magsipag maglaba.
It's okay! I'm not affected.
Pero nung ginawa niya kanina ay ang nakapag apekto sa kin ng malakas. .
BAAM!
Nabigla kami sa malakas na pagbukas ng pinto. Heto na naman si Jord. Bringing nothing but a victorious grin. Tinaasan ko siya ng kilay. Bakit palagi siyang pumupunta dito tuwing lunch break?
"Ano na naman ba ha?" Tanong ko.
"Oh, nothing. Pumunta lamang ako dito para maipaalam sa lahat na. . . " Sinadya niyang bitinin ang kanyang sasabihin.
"Ano?" Tanong ko.
"Alam niyo bang. . Gawa sa pagkakamali ang babaeng to? " Turo niya sa kin habang kinakausap ang aking mga kaklase.
"Ang kaniyang ina. . . Nakipagtalik sa kanyang ama, ngunit ng mabuo siya ay pareho nilang inayawan. . . "
What?? Paano niya nalaman yan? Saan niya nakuha?
Wala namang ibang nakakaalam
kundi ako at si Zandra. Napatingin ako Kay Zandra at nakitang pinanlakihan ako ng mata.
Hindi siya. Hindi si Zandra.
Pero paano?
"Ohh. . Kawawa Naman." Aniya tsaka umiyak iyak na parang bata.
How could he? Is this a joke to him?
Napakunot ang aking noo. I felt the pang of pain in my chest. . I don't like it. . . . I don't like this. . . I don't want it to come back. .
"You . . We're . . Rejected. . Right?" He asked in slow motion.
I felt my chest getting heavy. . My breathing started to slow. . My head ache like it split opened. . .
I bit my lip and hide my trembling hands. I felt myself getting cold. . Freezing. .
My head full of memories which
were locked away but had been opened. .
"You were abandoned." He said with finality
I balled my hands. .
I can't let this affect me. Hindi pwede. Masasayang lamang lahat ng ginawa ko noon para mawala ang sakit. I tried so hard to forget it. Ginawa ko lahat para matanggap. .
The truth hurts. . It always does. .
That is why people avoid it by
telling lies.
"You were abandoned!" Sigaw niya sabay hampas sa aking desk. I tried not to flinch.
My breathing was uneven. My eyesight became blurry and dark as tears started to rise like waves in the windy night.
I needed to control it. Dapat hindi ipakita na apektado ako kahit na sa totoo ay apektado talaga. .
I blink back tears and forced a smile.
Kumunot Naman Ang kanyang noo pero agad na nakabawi. He snapped his fingers. Biglang may lalaking pumasok, may dalang balde. Inilahad niya iyon kay Jord.
I felt sticky cold water trailed down me. . Ilang minuto ang lumipas bago iyon rumihestro sa aking utak.
"See you. . " Aniya tsaka lumabas.
Lumapit si Zandra sa kin at tinulungan akong maglinis pero mahina ko siyang tinabig.
"Kaya ko na. . Cr lang. . " Sambit ko tsaka lumabas dala ang aking bag.
I really want to cry. I want to let out this pain. There's nothing else that I can do. Sa mga nagdaang taon kong itong dinala sa kaloob looban ko ay Wala akong ibang magawa kundi umiyak na lamang. .
I really don't understand. . Why does life give you challenges you can't solve? Is there even a solution to my problem?
Napahagulgol ako but Made it silent. I don't want to cry out loud. Silent crying is painful. . . But it's more. . Convenient. Hindi ko gusto may makarinig sa kin. Buti na lang din at pinalakas ko ang shower.
"Why did you interfere?" Tanong ni Aadiv ng makarating sa aming apartment.
"Is it bad to defend you?" Tanong ko bilang sagot.
He only sighed.
"Diba Sabi mo nagkaroon ka ng trauma dahil sa pambubully nila? Paano Kung bumalik? Kakayanin mo ba?" Tanong ko.
I know he experienced trauma. Maybe it's the reason why his cold and won't socialize with others. It's lonely to be him.
"It won't come back." Aniya.
"How do you know?" Pag protesta ko. It could come back anytime. It can trigger old memories and past feelings.
"What about you? What about earlier? You were hurt right?" Tanong niya. I guiltily avoided his eye contact.
I was hurt. Still hurt and will always hurt as long as it's the truth. .
I sighed.
"Look. . I don't want to be the reason why-"
"I'll kill myself? You really think I would do that? That's so shallow!"
Pero hindi. I could do it anytime. It would be dumb to throw my future.
"I just don't want it to happen. . just listen to me. I know how you feel." Aniya at lumapit sa kin.
Umatras Naman ako at napatigil siya.
"How would you know? I'm nothing like you. . You're nothing like me. . I would never be the reason why someone is dead!"
In that moment I regretted what
I said. . . I can't take it back.
I saw the pain flashed from his eyes. . .Seeing him hurts me too. Bakit?
"My feelings aren't important to others, they regard me as someone who is fragile. I tried my best to prove to them and to myself that I can handle my emotions well, but I failed. . . That's why I'm called Humpty Dumpty because I always let myself fall into my emotions. I'm fragile."
I'm speechless. . . .
I don't know what to say, I know he experienced harsh bullying and undergo trauma, yet I hurt him, I judged him. I feel so bad. Nakakahiya
"It's okay, you don't have to feel guilty." This time a tear fell from his eye
I stood there, my mouth agape.
Tumalikod siya at nagtungo sa pinto.
I ran and directly hugged him from behind. Trying to let out the words I'm supposed to say. .
"I-i . . . " Mga luhang nagbabadyang tumulo. . .
Tinanggal niya ang pagkakayakap ko sa kanyang dibdib.
"I -i . . . " I cant say it. . .
"It's fine. . . " Lumabas na siya.
What just happened? Why is it like this? Why am I so messed up?
Napaupo ako sa sahig at humagulgol. . . .
What should I do?