On the topic of said sin, I fell really, really hard into that sexual addiction. To put it simply- and forgive me for how explicit this next sentence is-, I began to masturbate and read and write and draw porn. Yes, it's a problem girls can have, and yes, it was the worst mistake I have ever made. I tried to convince myself that it wasn't sin, but God wasn't going to let me do that. He made sure I felt the guilt of it, and made sure I ran to Him every time. Eventually, I got to the point that the guilt was so bad that I needed to stop or I was going to break completely and hurt myself, even though I felt like I couldn't. I wanted to stop because I knew it was damaging my relationship with God, and I hated it. So I started asking God to help me, and I started trying to discipline myself into stopping.
And God delivered. He saved me from that sexual sin. I deleted all the bad things I'd written and drew, and I recognized that what I was doing was a sin. It took months to finally stop a certain part of my sin, and I still am dealing with some of the side affects today because I've managed to traumatize myself. Because of it, I'm going to have to have a chat about this with my future husband- if God gives me a husband-, but God still rescued me from it. Compared to where I was, say, a year ago, I'm 90% healed by now. And I'm trusting God with it, too. I trust Him to heal me and to help me, and I trust my God to bring me further into His arms and His love. He's already done so much for me, and I will forever be grateful for it.
I also want to stop and say this: No matter what it is you're doing or what sin you're struggling with or what is going on with your life, God wants you to come home. I was in the midst of my sin when I said yes to Him. I didn't have to be perfect. You don't have to either.
And then, just about when I finally broke the habit- maybe a month or two after-, the 40 Day Draw the Circle Challenge came up, my church calling it the 7:14 Project, because we prayed twice a day, on our knees, at 7:14 every day.
If you don't know what that is, I encourage you to go read a book called Draw the Circle by Mark Batterson.
My mom asked us kids if anyone wanted to participate in it, because she was going to. After a bit of debating, I said I wanted to, and I did it. Those 40 days brought me closer to God than I ever thought possible, and by the end of it, I told mom I wanted to be baptized after hearing the announcement that the Vineyard was having a baptism Sunday. The Draw the Circle 40 day challenge was what finally drove me to getting baptized, and I am so very grateful to God for urging me to do that challenge.
In regard to my baptism, I was nervous, I was afraid that I would be rejected because of what I had done (which was actually kind of really stupid of me), and I was filled with excitement to finally make the public announcement that I was a Child of God. And then the day arrived. I got up around normal times to get to an early mini-sermon specifically for the people being baptized- where I re-dedicated my life to God after a bit of debating, just to be sure-, and my nervousness didn't fade, but neither did the excitement. I remember crying in the car on the way there, crying when I got there, being so scared to write a bit about my history, and crying while listening to the music before my baptism. And the it arrived.
And, my apologies for the cliffhanger, but this is where we Segway into the third part.