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UwU!
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After the Rome incident I was left thinking, was Jupiter a threat? Was he something I had to prepare to face in the long run, or would he actually let me be as long as I didn't intrude within his pantheon again, not gonna lie… I was a bit tired, I already had a three way war… and now there was a chance of this war becoming a four way war, a gangbang war… a bit sexual but everyone gets the problem.
"Hmm, I suppose I can hire Heimdall to spy their movements, he did say he would do anything for a bag of Doritos," I hummed, wondering why specifically a bag of Doritos, I was more of a pringles guy myself, but whatever.
—Oh great savior!— The fuck? Well that's it, I finally lost it… one year without pranking and now I'm hearing voice, —Oh great violent Jesus! Saves us with your divine kick! Bring forth the kick of salvation— Violent Jesus? Yep, I lost it.
"Adam is everything alright?" Odin asked, looking at me with some concern.
"I am hearing voices… they still haven't told me to kill you all… so I guess it's benign," I chuckled, as the voices continued,--The name of our savior is Adam!, oh mighty one! Bring forth the violent cleansing to our souls!—
"I see," Odín nodded slowly walking away from me, while pulling out his phone and marking 911.
"Really?" I snorted, —Oh great violent one! Bring thy pranking might to our souls!—
"I have been waiting for this set up for years!" Odin chuckled, "And those voices? Totally normal, it means the humans worshipping you, actually think you are real… as in… they believe in you above anything else,"
"I have worshippers?" I… when? I… humans don't know about me…
"Adam… all a new religion needs, is a human with a strong conviction to worship its God," Odin smiled, "One human… starts a tsunami of change, and that's what humans call the power of faith, alone they are weak… ants unworthy of our presence, but together… those little creatures can reach us, affect us and more… it's both fascinating and mildly terrifying", he admitted with a chuckle.
"Ok, cool… but you are not getting the point… the only times I interact with humans is when I have too much sexual stress," Unless… no, no, that sounds about right, "So what? I fucked those women sooo good they started a religion?!..... you know what that doesn't sound bad, I actually feel flattered",
"Yeah… no," Odin snorted, was he insinuating my game was weak! "I think it's best if you go and check for yourself",
"Fine," I sighed, focusing on the voices back again, locating their source… no idea why I didn't do that to begin with, but whatever.
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Well, Odin was right… Apparently one human is more than enough to start a religious cult… or a church then again I'm haft Outer God haft Greek, so… haft cult, half temple? Anyway, the point was that the crack addict I had almost killed while trying to find Ares to recover Zeus's master bolt had… started a religion in my name, and what's more surprising was that… according to the pamphlets, there was one church in almost every state in the US.
First… how?! I met the guy a year or so ago, how the fuck does he starts a religion and spreads that shit like an STD on drugs so fast?! And two, how come I didn't see this shit before!
"Is this your first time in the church of our lord?" A random lady asked, and… I nodded, "Wonderful, I hope his mighty kick enlightens your soul like it did with me," …. wut.
I… I think this is the first time in my life I feel so confused yet intrigued, and based on that… I decided to stay, and little by little as the… sermon? Or… whatever it is priests do in church do… my wild confusion morphed into, amusement. Apparently, I would descend and roundhouse kick those ready to ascend a higher plane… Do you have any idea how ridiculously HILARIOUS that sounds!
"And that is why—-" The priest stopped mid sentence, the man I had almost killed with a single kick… he stopped talking and looked at me and in tears he kneeled… there goes my incognito mode, "You grace us with your presence," yep.
Well, you know what? Maybe not… it's not like people automatically believe him… . "My lord!" Every single one of them kneeled a few seconds after the man said that.
"Well, I had my fun," I sighed, snapping my fingers and sending everyone but the priest to sleep.
"My lord! I have devoted my life to you," The c— the ex crack head said, his eyes shining with devotion.
"So… kicking?" I chuckled.
"You kicked my demons away! Oh mighty one!" This… this is weird.
"Alright… just… don't tell others violence is the answer… I mean it is… no math teacher can grade a test if he's dead…. but the point is… I don't want people starting shit in my name,"
"Oh no! Of course not your magnificence!" The priest shook his head, "We know only you can bring forth the cleansing violence, we are but boxing bags full of sins waiting for your mighty uppercut or kick to clean our souls, we must spread the peace… so that you can violently clean our souls,"
".... Meh, good enough," I shrugged, "They should be waking up in a minute or two, I made so they had dreams of me kicking the shit out of them… it felt fitting… until next time," I waved, heading towards the door, "Oh and before I forget," with him starting a religion in my name, I felt it was my duty to give him something, which is why I cured him of everything, and by everything I meant everything drugs did to his body, oh… the pleasures of Magic, "You should feel… better,"
"I thank you my lord… but if you have time… I have one request, if permitted this lowly servant of yours wants to asks something," I kinda feel like I need to say no homo, should I say no homo?
"Sure shot," I nodded.
"Can you cute little Timmy," At that the priest opened a door, and a kid in a wheelchair entered the room, his life energy was so low… no wonder I didn't put him to sleep like the rest, "He is cuadraplegic, and has every cancer known to man," Holy… shit.
"How is that possible?!" I asked, losing my cool.
"He even has some types of cancers doctors have no idea how to call," What in the actual fuck, "And that's not the worst part…" it's not?! "He also somehow has every other disease known to man… and he's blind,"
"Ok that can't be real!" I stated, scanning the kid with my Magic…. and HOLY SHIT it's real! "Holy… how is he still alive?!" He even had hepatitis A through Z and yes I know there aren't that many hepatitis's!
"His parents are anti-vac," Oh well, that explains it.
"Can you heal me?" Timmy asked, pushing his frail disease ridden body.
"Of course, then I will curse your parents," I nodded, moving my hand forward to heal him.
"Can you kick me…" Wut…. "I want to be healed with the mighty kick of my lord," I… don't like this anymore.
"Sure why not fuck it," I sighed, charging my foot with healing Magic before I kicked the kid through a wall, "Roadhouse!"
"I can see!" Timmy shouted from the street. I was a good God.