"How could you?" I whispered, holding the picture of me and Hillary to my chest, tears gathering in my eyes.
We had won, but the cost hadn't been worth in my eyes. My best friend. My sister. Dead. My father. My first best friend. Dying. Mother, Lilith, whatever the she-bitch wanted to be called would suffer at my hands. I would watch her die slowly. I would paint the walls of my house with her blood..
Anger was good. Anger reminded me that there was something else to fight for. Because I really wanted to lay down in this bed and let the world pass me by. I was alone right now anyway.
After the battle, after Griffin had saved me, everybody else had disappeared, leaving me on that battlefield with Sebastian and Hillary. Hillary's body, I corrected myself with a pang in my chest. Hillary was gone. I'd never see her again. At least not while I was alive. I shuddered, putting the photo down before I could start crying again.
Gone. Hillary was gone. Clare and Luca were gone. The two other people—Honor, another Guardian, and Elias, Sebastian's handsome brother and the sin envy, as Sebastian had told me—were also gone. Sebastian was even gone, but I had sent him away to do the job I couldn't do.
Somebody had to grab Hillary's body so her parents could have something to bury. Would I attend the funeral? Of course I would. I'd cry the entire time, but I'd sit there in the first row, next to her siblings, hold her youngest sister's hand and cry with her. I'd leave a bottle of the off-brand strawberry soda by her grave because it was her favorite. I'd wear her favorite color, too—bright yellow—even if it washed my damn skin out.
Almost a full four years of friendship, and it hadn't been enough. We still had countries to see it, beaches to lay on. Water to swim through. A demon to defeat.
I wiped at my eyes.
She had sacrificed herself so I wouldn't die. So Clare would live. So the world could see another day without Lilith.
Her sacrifice had been worth it, but barely. We won the battle after damn near three hours of fighting. Everyone was hurt but healing, bloodied and bruised but breathing. Everyone but her, that was.
Truthfully, had it not been for Honor and Elias, we would've died. The demon army Sebastian amassed had helped, but we had still been vastly outnumbered. Thank God for Guardians and Sins who had powers and knew how to use them. My power was like a sugar rush—it filled me with energy temporarily, but the crash had been just as quick.
Fortunately, I had been able to hold off the crash long enough for Clare to think I was fine.
I hadn't been lying when I said I needed her. Without Clare, I would've laid there and died. She sure almost did.
Both of us had been born for something greater, though. We weren't born to lay down and let pass us by. So I got up, broken arm and all, and I told her what she needed to hear, and we went out to fight.
And to live another day.
Hillary hadn't.
I was glad everyone had left me. I laid in the snow and cried—cried for my best friend, cried that we won, cried for my dad, cried because I loved Sebastian, cried because I had spent so much time angry at Griffin when he had saved my life. I just damn cried. Cries that racked my entire body and folded me in on myself. I cried with Sebastian standing right there, a hand on me. I cried until my body heat melted the snow and got me soaking wet.
Then I cried about that, too.
Eventually, Sebastian picked me up and brought me inside. He turned on the shower and let me handle the rest. The silence was what I needed. To cry. To process. I showered until I had scrubbed everything clean.
While I showered, he teleported Luca and Clare back to her house with what little remaining energy he had.
Everything except my dead best friend laying on top of me. That wasn't something that could be done with citrus soap and hot water.
When I emerged from the bathroom, Sebastian had left me two notes—one had his familiar messy scribble saying he would take care of Hillary's body, and he had food for me downstairs, and the other note was from Hillary. On top of it was the picture of us I had just put down.
Just yesterday, I had had an hour and some change of bliss to kiss Sebastian while we waited for the time to pass to enter this plane. Yesterday I spent time kissing Sebastian and not thinking about Hillary. My last conversation with her had been meaningless—we talked about wanting cake for God's sake.
She knew she was going to die, and she had decided to talk about cake with me. Of all things.
Pulling my sweater over my head, I looked around the rest of the room. Sebastian and I were getting out of this house for a week or two. I didn't care about school. I'd send an email saying I had the flu or something. I just needed a break.
The first stop was Alabama. I would go see my mom, visit my dad and see him. If he died, I didn't want to regret anything. After two or three days there, we'd go to New York to see his brother, Pride, and following that, everything was up in the air. We could go where we wanted, do what we wanted.
I needed to pack. But, first, the letter.
Four words.
Sorry. Check your phone.
My phone. I honestly had forgotten I had one. I looked on the dresser, saw it there, half-charged, and unlocked it. A video.
I sat on Sebastian's bed and pressed play.
"There's not really a good way to tell your best friend good-bye forever," Hillary said. She sat in our dorm room, an unnaturally perky smile on her face. "This is my third try actually." A little laugh.
"The first one I made really happy and bright, but it felt wrong. Death is a celebration, yes, but.. I don't know. You're sad, I know you are. And that's okay. I can't protect you from that." She paused, blowing out a deep breath. "The second I made was really sad and down. I mean, Jesus, I almost killed myself at that moment as I made it. So now I'm making this one. And it's not really sad or really happy… it's just real.
"From the beginning, I knew I'd have to die for you to survive, and it was the hardest decision of my life, Athena. Not because I valued my life over yours, but because, well, I didn't want to die yet, you know. I wanted a life with Ricky, where we grew old together and I farted in my sleep. Our kids would play with your kids. I wanted a life where I watched my baby sisters grow up and date. I wanted a life where I traveled with my best friend.
"But I don't get that. I don't get to grow old. I don't get to leave this country. I don't get to see my friends and family grow up. I don't get children or another kiss from Ricky. I get this—I get to die. And it's hard. God, it's so hard." She stopped, her chest rising and falling as she gathered herself. Tears streamed down her face. "And I have to do it alone."
She didn't have to. She could've had me.
"And, no, I couldn't tell you. You would've saved me and gotten yourself killed in the process. When I saw that vision, when I saw you die, that was when I knew I'd give my life up for you." She took another shuddery breath. "My parents have my siblings. Ricky will have another woman. You were my best friend. The one person who loved me despite my flaws. When Ricky found out I planned on letting myself die to save you, he left me. You would've never done that. Which was why I knew if you died, I'd have nothing and nobody.
"Okay, pause it here so you can cry."
I did what she told me to do, my heart splintering. I sobbed until they eased. Oh, Hillary, I thought, picturing her curls, her eyes, her mischievous grin. I had lost a vital part of my life. She thought that she had nobody but me, but she didn't realize I'd have nobody but her. Clare was my cousin, and as much as I loved her, as strong as our Guardian bond went, she was no Hillary. Sebastian was my soulmate, and that didn't take a backseat to my best friend, but they were neck and neck.
"Anyway, if you're watching this, I want you to know how proud I am. You won. Right now, you're probably laying in the bed crying—I know because I've seen it—and it seems like your whole world is falling apart, but it's not. You're okay, Athena. I need you to be okay. I need you to know I did this because it's for the good of the world, yes, but I also did it because I want you to grow old with Sebastian. I want you to have a kid and name her Hillary. I want you to kiss Sebastian every time you fight with him. I want you and Clare to live close to each other. I want everything for you that you desire because it's what you deserve. So don't feel guilty that I chose you over me. I'd do it again.
"The battle is not over, though. There's still so much to be done, but take the next week off. Turn off your phones. Relax. Let the other Guardians handle these problems. Spend time with your dad—he'll be okay. Go to my funeral and cry your eyes out. I'll be watching. Kiss Sebastian. Kiss him again. Have sex. Plan a future with him you two will have. Believe you'll have that future. Keep learning how to use your powers. Wake up each day and miss me, but never, never spend the whole day sad I died. I'm not. I've made my peace with it. I've seen a better future.
"Athena Jean Walker. My best friend. My dearest friend. My platonic soulmate. My other half. I had three, almost four, amazing years by your side, tearing up the town and causing hell. I wouldn't trade any of it, even if it meant walking off that battlefield tomorrow." She smiled at me. She took a deep, final breath and said, "You know what I'll miss the most? Those mornings we ate cheap, fast food breakfast in our dorm, and we talked about nothing. Those mornings were so important.
"I just ask one favor from you: talk to me out loud sometimes. I'll try to listen.
"Until our souls meet again, good-bye. I love you."
I love you, too.
Sebastian kissed the top of my head, wrapping his arms around my waist. "Are you okay?"
Surprisingly, yes. My heart had been broken, but I was doing what Hillary asked. I was going to enjoy this break, my life. I was going to keep going for a better future. I tilted my head up and looked at him, a smile on my face. "Yeah, actually. Are you?"
He stepped away to finish packing his bag. "Yes. I am." He paused, looking at me curiously. "You know what's the weirdest thing about this?"
I arched an eyebrow, waiting.
"Finding out my real name is Morgan."
Huh?
"Yeah, when Lust removed my memories, he also removed my name. I think for shits and giggles because I can't think of any good reason to do so." He shook his head, a puzzled look on his face.
I laughed, trying to over in my head. He definitely wasn't a Sebastian. Or maybe I was just used to Sebastian.
"Lust's real name is 'Dennis.'" He smirked.
Snorting, I tossed a pair of socks into my bag. "Would you prefer I called you 'Sebastian' or 'Morgan?'"
"I much prefer you give me a cute nickname."
"Okay, snookum-wookums." I laughed, dodging out of the way of the hoodie he tossed at me. We didn't know how to pack because we didn't know where we'd end up. But that felt good. It also felt good to laugh.
"Anything but that, please," he teased.
"Beggars can't be choosy," I teased as I jumped at him. I tossed myself into his side, knocking us both onto the bed, on top of the bags and the folded clothes. He wrapped his arms around me, holding me to him.
He gave me a peck on the lips, then a much slower kiss. "Can I be choosy now?"
I made a sound of agreement. "Yes," I replied.
Kiss Sebastian, and kiss him again.
Hillary had never given me better advice.
With his laughter still echoing in my ears, and the threat momentarily behind us, I let myself get lost in the moment.
Lilith wouldn't be rising today.