I've been waiting outside the office for thirty minutes. Her next appointment is even upset with her. She was bouncing her leg due to being frustrated I guess, or jitters.
"How long have you been waiting?" She looks at me. I really didn't want to answer her but it's because of Ryan that she's waiting so I may as well be nice to her.
I look next to me at the girl trying to suppress my irritation. "I got out thirty minutes ago. She's talking to my - " I stop mid- sentence. I didn't know what to call Ryan. We weren't together really but we couldn't be considered friends. "My friend. He came with me today and figured if he could talk to Pat then maybe he could be of help." I was really confused about what we were. Was I even ready to be in a relationship with him or was I still too broken?
I stand up and am about to knock on her door when Ryan pulls it open. "Hey. Ready to go?" He asks as he brushes past me. He stops for a second and grabs my hand pulling me with him. He was exuding a conflicting vibe which was really worrying me.
We were halfway home by the time I got the courage to speak up. "What did she say?"
"She just wanted to tell me that I was very immature and stupid to do what I did. She wants to speak with me with the whole doctor patient confidentiality shit. I waved her off telling her to go fuck herself and that she wouldn't have the brain power to understand me. She only knows me from you and I know what you've told her is what you're comfortable telling her. You could have told her about the other times when you've gotten drunk and I've locked you in your room but you tell her about the times that you fucked with me to the point of me trying to prove a point. That's how she sees it."
"For thirty minutes?"
"Yes. Athea." Ryan says rudely causing me to stumble. He looks back at me his eyes softening from the hard look he had before. "I'm sorry. I just don't like her. I have my own therapist anyways that I've been seeing. He sees everyone in my family. I'm comfortable talking to him about you. Also, Ray. He knows I've been seeing you everyday." He says. I didn't know how to react. He was giving me whiplash from his moods.
"It's only been a week since you've been back in my life." I state in an apparent I don't get it tone.
"Yeah. I know." He says shrugging as if it's just another day to him.
"How long have you been seeing a therapist and Ray?" I wanted to know. I was going to feel horrible if I really fucked him up. "Did- did I do something to cause you to have to see a therapist?"
"No. It was my own fault for not keeping to myself that day in the office." I felt like he was referring to when I thought of him as the muffin man.
"Wait..." I trail off coming to the realization that he had really been fighting his attraction to me the entire time. "You've been talking to them since before you grabbed me?" I really do feel bad.
"Yeah."
I don't know how I feel about that revelation. By the time we got home I was back to normal or as normal as I could be. I mean he just dropped this huge bomb on me and I wasn't sure how to react.
"You wouldn't turn me in right? I know you've been pretty confused about me since I let you go." He had just shut the door and cornered me against it. His face was a mere few inches from mine and his arms were on either side of me trapping me against the door. I forgot to breath for a second.
"No. I don't want to. Even if I am confused about my feelings for you I wouldn't turn you in." I told him with a finality I hoped he could hear in my voice.
He holds my face in his hands for a second and kisses me. It was hard, possessive and passionate. It was also, like he was saying goodbye. He pulls back suddenly and wipes my face. I hadn't realized I was crying. "Athea?"
"Please don't go." I didn't know what I was going to do if he left.
"What do you mean?"
"Just please don't go. Don't leave me." I was staring at his face and holding back the tears that I knew wanted to trail down my face. The tears that I felt would inevitably come due to him breaking my heart.
"Okay. No one said anything about leaving. I'm not going anywhere." I heard him say but he didn't sound too confident. "I need to do some errands again. So, I'll be back later." He had his forehead pressed against mine. I loved to be able to touch him even if it was short like this. He pulled back making me want for more contact.
"Okay." I say as he leads me to my bathroom. He motions for me to shower and when I get out he's sitting on my bed with a gallon of ice cream and some movies.
"Eat this and watch these. I'll be back before you know it." He hands them to me after putting in my first choice movie. "Do you feel better after the shower?"
I nod crawling onto my bed. "I'm sorry. I don't know why I started crying." I lied. I knew exactly why I was crying. It felt like he was kissing me goodbye, not as if he was going to be back later.
"It's fine. I don't have a problem with you crying."
"I know. I just- it felt like you were saying goodbye with that kiss at the door."
"Not forever. Just a few hours."
"Okay."
The next couple of weeks went by in the same fashion. I finished my therapy sessions. My mother and I were still at odds. My father and I were the same. Mackenzie was the only one of my personal friends who knew about Ryan. I went back to work and buried myself in manuscripts.
Mark noticed how hard I was working and gave me a raise. I got home one evening to a cooked dinner. Ryan looks at me and smiles. "I know this is kind of domestic which is odd because I'm not really one to do this kind of thing but the mafia we care about family and my Uncle sees you as family. So does Ray and myself. I'm throwing another party Friday for no reason. Do you want to come?"
I badly wanted to say yes but I really wanted to know what we were before I did anything else. The cuddles at night and the stolen kisses were amazing but I didn't know what to tell Mark who asked me out the other night even though he had said he would keep things professional. All I could do is tell him that I don't date within the workplace. It saved me from having to think about what Ryan and I were and kept it from being awkward by saying no.
If Mark wasn't my boss and Ryan hadn't happened I would have said yes to Mark immediately. He was the dream guy. Attractive, successful, a gentleman, someone stable but Ryan happened and even though we got off on a rocky start Ryan has always been stable. He is successful at whatever he does in the mafia, I wasn't sure and didn't want to know what he did, and deep down he is a gentleman and cares about family so much it makes me cry.
"What are we?" I blurt out.
"Uh?" Ryan asks cocking his head to the side.
"What are we? My boss asked me out. I didn't know what to call you so I just told him that I don't date within the workplace. So what are we?"
"Is this what has been bothering you the past two weeks?" He grabs my arms and holds me still.
"Yeah. When I was waiting for you Thursday after my session the next patient asked me how long I had been waiting. I was telling her how I was waiting for you but didn't know what to call you. I had to call you a friend but we do more things than friends do and we do less it seems than couples do. So what are we?"
"I'll be whatever you want. We can be friends with benefits, a couple, friends, lovers, I don't care."
"Okay."
"Do you know what you want us to be?"
"What would you consider this?"
"I'd have to say we are more like a couple than anything but to keep it general for now how about SO."
"Okay."
"Now back to that party?" He asks. I smirk cause he knew full well what the answer was going to be. Now that he answered that for me.