I make my way into the kitchen and I see him standing there in front of my sink as if he just got down. Ryan was standing in my kitchen! My adrenaline spiked causing me to tighten my hold on the gun. Had my gun not been on safety I probably would have shot him.
"Ryan?" I ask in a voice barely above a whisper. Even though I could see him plain as day and I could smell his cologne I was having a hard time believing that he was in my kitchen right now.
"Athea?" He turns around slowly. I don't know if he can sense that I have a gun in my hand or not. It was him though and he was standing in front of me instead of me just hearing his voice in my head. It really was Ryan. I was rejoicing on the inside that he seemed fine and uninjured. That he was alive and that he was here in front of me.
"Hey. I stopped by your job this morning. I left you a note with Janet." He stated. He seemed a little wary of me so he may have noticed I was holding a gun.
"Yeah. I got it." I say putting my gun down on the counter. I laid it down gently so as to not fire it accidentally.
"I'm sorry. I couldn't wait to see you. I needed to make sure you're okay." He sounded desperate and genuine.
"I'm fine. I'm seeing a therapist." It slipped out before I could stop it and I saw him visibly tense up.
"Athea." He says as he takes a step towards me. It sounds like he's longing to touch me. I'm longing for him to touch me. Although I was scared for him to touch me I longed for the days when I was in the house with him. When I would drink just enough to gain some courage to sit on him or to kiss him.
"A therapist. Shit- fuck- I'm sorry." He mutters seemingly to himself bringing me back to reality. He was running his hands through his hair in worry. My face was flushed thinking about that and with him looking at me.
"It's fine. You haven't been caught yet?"
"No. I'm guessing you haven't turned me in?" He asked sounding surprised. Of course I couldn't turn him in.
"No. Even though sometimes I've wanted to since I got back I haven't. I can't." I tilt my head towards the floor. I wanted to tell him all the thoughts that have been running through my head. I wanted to tell him that I came close one night but I couldn't bring myself to walk through the front doors of the police station. I couldn't bear to be the one who put him in jail. He looked at me curiously and with hope. I look down embarrassed that, practically, I have been staring at him like he is a lion and I'm the gazelle, just not in the way of hunting but trying to figure out each other's motives and testing the waters.
"I've missed you. I think about you non-stop."He says as if it was obvious. I was shocked because it means I'm not the only one struggling to stay in the present.
"Why'd you let me go? I don't understand." I ask shaking my head and turning to mess with the hem of my sleeves again. It became a nervous habit of mine when he had me in the cellar. Every time I would hear foot steps near the stairs I would grab the hem of my shirt and tug.
"I didn't want to keep you anymore. I got what I needed for my Uncle's bail and I wanted you happy." His eyes said that was the partial truth but it also said that he hoped I would come back. All the hope in his eyes showed me a part of him that I never saw before. Even when he brought me back home I never saw this much hope in his eyes.
"It's been what, a month and a half since you let me go. You're just now reaching out to me then can't even wait for my response." I was starting to get upset. My adrenaline was pumping and I was a whirlwind of emotions for the second time today. The nerve of him to come around because he had been following me again.
"I heard you screaming last night. I sit in the alley under your window and I heard you screaming. I wanted to come in and hold you but I want you to want it to. Athea.." He steps closer to me and pulls me into a hug. My body relaxes and I feel alive. It's as if my body is just a shell then when he touches me it turns into a live wire humming with electricity from head to toe.
"So you heard me scream from nightmares you caused me to have and just decided to reach out to try to talk to me?" I ask angrily pushing him away and backing out of his reach. He flinches. He's in the mafia; he shouldn't flinch. I made him flinch twice. It made me feel horrible.
"I also know that your boss kissed you. How did that make you feel?" His expression was one of genuine interest and concern.
"Not right. I didn't like it." I cleared my throat because my first response came out gravelly. Of course I didn't like it. I was thinking about you! I wanted to yell at him. I wanted to tell him how I was so confused about him and my life now. I wanted to tell him how he's been on my mind all the time too and I am constantly zoning out.
"Why?" He runs his hand through his curly hair making me worry that he's not okay.
"I don't know." I said nervously. I didn't want to tell him but I knew he knew I was lying.
"Liar. You know why." He says gently grabbing my chin when my doorbell rings. He looks at me like I called the cops or something. I wouldn't have. It may be Mackenzie. She hasn't seen me yet since I got back.
"Who is that?" He asks quietly.
"My friend Mackenzie." I cross my arms. I was only guessing. She hadn't seen me yet. She did text me to let me know she was trying to give me some time to get settled again before she came over.
"No. She doesn't know your name either. I don't want you in here with her. She's intuitive and will out the pieces together quickly." I was starting to panic.
"Athea it's me Mac." I hear her yell through the door.
"Be there in a minute!" I say loudly.
"I'll come back later. We can continue this conversation then." He said matter of factly. Just like he did when I was a victim. Right now I don't feel like a victim though.
"Please don't. I want to get some sleep tonight. Plus, Mac might stay the night. I don't know." I say urgently wishing I would beg him to stay. Wanting to beg him to stay and keep the dreams away. I want to feel safe again and stop having those horrid nightmares. I'll never tell him what the nightmares have turned into because it's obvious by the few interactions so far tonight that he genuinely regrets what he did. He kisses my forehead and disappears out the kitchen window as I unlock the front door letting Mac in.
She hugs me tightly when the door shuts but not before I get a glimpse of Ryan crossing the street blending in. I lost sight of him after that and it struck me that I would never know if he was following me due to how seamlessly he blends in with the city.
"Are you okay?" Mac asks when she sees me still standing in the door instead of my retreating back. I normally would answer the door and walk away before I would even say hi.
"Yeah." I pull myself out of thoughts of Ryan's lips on mine. Maybe Pat was right I repressed my feelings for him I had with the initial meeting so much so that it's manifesting itself now after I've left because of the gratitude I feel towards him.
"Okay." Mac continues talking to me filling me in on her life while I was gone and every once in while I would tell her how I've been since I got back. It wasn't a lot since I haven't been back as long as I was gone. She has told me I could tell her what happened when I was in captivity but I don't want to give her mental issues.
"I'm just glad you're safe Athea. I really am. I don't know why he let you go but I'm glad he did and I would love to thank him for that." I smiled at her kind gesture and know that Ryan would have too if I let him stay here. He would have nudged me with a smirk, like I was in on some kind of joke with him. Except it wouldn't be a joke it would be a big secret.
We eat dinner and clean up. She leaves and once I check to make sure that all windows and doors are locked I lay in bed and fall asleep to images of Ryan smiling and the sound of his voce talking to me calming me down after that fight he had with his buddy. If only I told Ryan that I have nightmares of him being caught and shot. Maybe he would get that I care for him or that I at least acknowledge we have some sexual tension. Too late now, I kicked him out for the night. I hope he comes back tomorrow. I'd love to see him again. Maybe feel his lips on mine instead of my forehead.