My hands were trembling. I am not sure how to handle this anxiety I'm feeling. I can't control my breathing. I was driving like a madman.
When I arrived at the hospital, I went straight to her room, ignoring my hunger and thirst. She's the sustenance I need right now. My heart started to break when I saw her cuts and bruises. I'm such a useless boyfriend. Even when we're just pretending, I can't do my job right.
" I'm here. I'm sorry I'm late again. I wasn't there to protect you. I am such a useless boyfriend. Good thing, right now, I am just your pretend boyfriend. And maybe that's why, you never asked me for help. Cause we were just pretending. You don't want to bother me. If only I can make it real this time."
I kissed her hand. It feels so soft. I want to hold on to her longer but I heard the door open. I was surprised to see Jaz standing there, shocked and angry. He walked towards me.
"So you were just pretending? You made her look like she is playing with us both! How stupid can you be?!" he grabbed my collar and yelled at my face. His eyes looked like he's been staying with her for days. While I was camping with my ex, he was here with her.
"Do you know what she has to go through?! If you just let her be with me! I could protect her! I will never let her get hurt like this!" I don't intend to fight back, maybe I deserve this.
" If you are not serious about her, give her to me! I will do everything you cannot"
I was having this battle within me. I was just being a coward.
I feel all those words piercing deep within me. I can't rebut. I have no words to use, no excuse to say. I'll just accept my fault.
After a few days, I heard the discipline committee call for the girls and Jaz. Their suspensions were decided and the one who reported them was Jaz. I did nothing. I'm shameful.
I went to the music room to clear my head. I want to imagine her singing again with me. Unfortunately, Zoe was the one who found me.
"Hey, are you ok? I heard from---" I cut her off. i don't want anything from her. I just want to be alone.
"We are done. We've been done for a long time now. Why do you still have to ruin my life? You can have any man you want but not me." I made sure I say it flat-out cold.
"That's cold. I just want to console you. I heard what happened..."
"So you should know by now that you are not the person I want to be with right now. If you didn't do that in the first place, this wouldn't happen. But you are so selfish. I don't suppose you understand how we feel." I didn't want to hit a girl but if she speak more, I might not be able to control myself.
Then came Jaz.
"You stupid piece of shit!!!" He charged toward me
PUNCH. SLAM. PUNCH.
I didn't want to dodge. I know why he is still mad at me. I didn't cover my body and just take all his punches.
"Hey stop it!" Zoe was pulling on his shirt.
He accidentally pushed Zoe away. She hit the shelf.
She was unconscious so I pushed Jaz away and fought back. I can't let Zoe use this to use me again.
We kept hitting on each other like monsters without feeling any pain or exhaustion. The security came and stopped us.
"YOU PRETENDED TO BE A BOYFRIEND BUT YOU STILL SUCKED!!! WHERE WERE YOU HUH? FLIRTING WITH ANOTHER BITCH!!! AND YOU SAY I FOOL AROUND WITH HER? YOU ASSHOLE!!!" Jaz was furious.
I can't say anything, he was right. I am the worst.
We got suspended for a week for causing the ruckus.
I stayed at home, watching their house. Checking on her window just in case she looks out, I can see her there. Sadly, her curtains covered the whole window and I can't even see a glimpse of her.
On the day she went back to school, I saw Chloe pick her up and take her home. She looks better. She's been hospitalized twice now just because of us, I feel okay just seeing her there.
One night I heard her play the guitar and sing. I walked out of the house and stood outside their wall. It was nice that I get to hear her sing again. It just sounds sad.
My eyes started tearing up. I looked up to stop it from falling but I can't stop it. I covered my mouth so that she won't hear me sobbing.
I went back to my room, feeling despair. I just want to drink and drown myself in alcohol. I can't stop the pain.
Then my suspension got lifted. I went back to school, wasted. I looked like an owl. My eyebags are too dark. I think I lost weight as well.
I wanted to talk to her the moment I saw her in school but Zoe was there to always remind me that I should not come to her any closer to prevent the scandal from happening again since Jaz was there too.
I don't really care at all but I can't be greedy. And I'm fine just looking at her from far away for now.
I heard she went back to practice. I quit the band. I know Jaz would kick me out as well. I just have to avoid complications.
I tried fixing up myself but I'm in a total mess right now.
On the day of their practice, I waited for Jadis in the parking lot.
I saw Jaz, Will, and their new guitarist Pol walk toward their car.
When I was about to leave, because I thought she won't show up, I saw Jadis as Dylan.
"Jad...Dylan, can we talk?" I grabbed Jadis' hand. The soft delicate hands.
"Karlee...wha---"
"I want to explain, apologize, I want to clarify things."
Even with her green contact lenses on, looking at her eyes makes me feel that I can still see her blue eyes. Like every detail of her appearance is etched in my brain.
"Karlee, I am not blaming you. I know what we are from the start. I know that somehow we would end because someone real will come to get you, I get that. I want to say thank you for everything. You don't need to pretend with me anymore."
I can't utter a word. It felt like she was saying goodbye to me. She doesn't need me. She doesn't need me to pretend anymore.
There's this hole that I'm feeling inside that deepens. Like I'm being dragged into this black hole, all I can feel is that I can't breathe. My brain is malfunctioning. The other words that are coming out of her mouth are blurred.
I let her hand go. She walked away smiling. I feel like I'm being sucked into this box, lacking oxygen.
"Jadis..." I whispered.
As she walked toward Jaz's car, my brain starts to shut down.
"...I love you Jadis..." I was mumbling under my breath.
I slowly slide onto the wall, losing the strength in my knees.
I want it to end. I can't control my pain.
All I know is that I want Jadis to be the person I see when I open my eyes.