I've started to wonder how many times it will be when I don't wake up. When I finally dissolve into the darkness of death, hoping there might be light in the end of the tunnel.
I intake air so quickly that I choke on the water that still lingers in my throat. My heavy lids open meekly and are welcomed with clouds.
Is this heaven?
I'm flying; two arms wrapped around my stomach, carrying my limp body. I can't see their face, but I assume their an angel. The angel is carrying me away from this world. Maybe I've finally reached the end of the journey. I'm too out of it to think otherwise.
I whisper to the angel, "Is He angry at me?"
My eyes are too blurred to see the face of the angel, but they speak back quietly, "Who?"
I almost cry, "I couldn't save Felix. Please tell Him to give me mercy, I tried my best. I promise!"
I don't want God to be angry at me. I tried so hard to get through this. I couldn't save everyone, I've let Him down. I hope He can give me mercy.
The angel spoke louder, "Who, my little robin?"
"Peter?", I'm so weak that I fall into unconsciousness again.
I dreamt of Felix's last moments again:
His eyes were red and his cheeks where burdened with dry tears. He looked at the heavens and begged:
"Wendy, I'm sorry I couldn't keep my promise. Why'd you love him? It should've been me..." Then turned around to face me, "You are not the first girl to set foot on Neverland. Because of what you did for Marcus and only what you did for Marcus, I'm giving you some advice. Listen if you want to survive. Do what he says. Play his game. No matter what he asks, do it. He will kill you without second thought otherwise. Wendy payed the price, don't let that be you."
He jumped.
I awake again and cough out salty seawater brutally onto the sand beneath me. I recognised the beach around. My eyes open slowly and I see a blurred Peter seeming panic at my soaked body. He seemed soaked by the looks of it too, I couldn't tell if it was water or tears that wetted his cheeks.
He almost growls, "What happened?"
My hands grip the sand under my palms as I tried to gather my thoughts and organise my memories. They all seem to be in a jumble. I furrowed my brows and remember everything: Thomas, my dreams, Felix, Wendy and the ocean. Slight disappointment rushes over me, but I can't distinguish why. Then I realised why: I didn't want to wake up.
Surprisingly, I formulated a decent lie amongst the battlefield of my heated thoughts, "I followed Felix when he left the camp early in the morning... I was curious to see what he was up to this early in the morning. I tried to stop him when he went to the cliff, I promise."
He face contorted, "Felix is gone?" He whispered, grief-stricken.
I rambled, "I'm so sorry. I tried to talk things out with him. When he jumped, I went after him... I saw him take his last breath. I tried to bring him to the surface, I really did. I'm so sorry Peter." At this point I was choking on my words and crying my eyes out.
But Peter... Peter sat there frozen.
In that moment, I calmed down and tried to ask gently, "Peter?"
He stayed quiet. Eyes on the sand. Lost in his thoughts. I didn't know what to do. I've never seen Peter so vulnerable before. He looks up at me, his mood had changed drastically in the time he had been away with his thoughts:
"I have something to show you. Follow me."
I was still wondering how he could compose himself right after Felix's suicide, but he didn't have much patience. With a brutal grip on my wrist, he dragged me out of the beach.
We left the beach and I had trouble keeping up with him, since Peter took large steps and moved fast. We walked through the empty forest. I tried reading clues off Peter's face, but he wouldn't say a word and kept a straight face. I was getting scared. Did he blame me? Of course he would, I could've stopped him. I tried to prevent the tears rolling down my cheeks. I didn't want to give him that kind of satisfaction.
After a while, I couldn't recognise in which part of the forest we were in, but I remained silent. Peter went faster very abruptly.
There was nothing special about the place we were slowing down in, I thought whilst Peter's eyes were at the canopy of trees. Peter pulled me forward. I almost tripped over my own feet while he urged me to move faster, but as soon as we were closer to where he wanted me, I realized what it was for.
An empty cage was broken down at the corner of my peripherals, it was one huge mess. That wasn't the most shocking thing, though. Hanging on a tree that was humongous compared to the entire woods, was a girl with a rope on her neck.
She wore a tattered white dress and had a blue ribbon in her caked hair, but despite the blue colour in her face it wasn't hard to assume who it was.
Wendy.
"I found her this morning when when Felix wasn't up for his duty. I assumed he was with her, when I found her like this I used a tracker's spell to find Felix... only to find you." Peter said with no ounce of emotion. I can only assume the mermaids found Felix's body while I was unconscious. And I can also assume why they didn't eat me. I could feel Peter studying my face, but for once, I didn't care about him at all. All I could do was look up at the body that was dangling in front of me and a horrifying feeling of guilt flooded me.
"Do you know anything about this?" He asked. He sounded agitated, although I knew he probably didn't care about the corpse above us.
"No," I said, my voice quivering.
"It seemed to have happen right before sunrise, when no one awoken to be caught," Peter continued. "No one saw or heard a thing." He still sounded like he was trying to accuse me of something. I found it hard to understand why he was interrogating me.
"As you might've guessed, there will be an investigation," Peter said, "If you know something, you should tell me right now." He looked at me with an intense stare and I already opened my mouth, anxious to say something. I immediately closed it again, but Peter had already seen my hesitation.
"Do you know anything about her?" he asked, immediately acting on it.
"Yes," I said. I couldn't lie about that.
"Do you know her name?" He questioned.
"Wendy." I said, my voice breaking. No matter how many times I had heard of her, I never knew her. She seemed innocent and that was enough for me to feel remorseful.
"Right," Peter said, "And how did you know her name?"
My voice was shaking, "Felix's last words were for forgiveness from her."
He took a moment, probably trying to puzzle together the jigsaw:
"If you know anything-"
"- did you care about her?" I said, interrupting him. Now the initial shock had faded away and the fog had cleared up a bit in my mind, I figured that Peter had used Wendy in his 'games'. He acted like he didn't care about her, referring to her without a name as such, but I felt he was hiding something too. If she was the girl whose dress I wore to the natives, then why would Peter lie about killing her?
"What did you say?" Peter said, narrowing his eyes. He didn't even seem that offended by my interruption, as more by my actual word choice.
"If you cared about her," I said a bit more firmly. "Wendy."
In the story books, Peter loved Wendy Darling. Maybe that part was true.
"Of course not," Peter said immediately. Despite his arrogant tone, I couldn't help but notice his defensiveness. Why was it such a problem to admit that he cared for someone? "She's just a prisoner," he added.
I did my best to ignore that last part and said, crossing my arms in front of my chest:
"Why was she imprisoned? If this is the girl whose dress I wore belonged to, then why did you lie about killing her?"
"She was imprisoned for extracting dreamshade and trying to kill me with it since I wouldn't let her and her brothers back home. And as to why I lied, it didn't matter what I would have said." He shrugged my questions off. And remained silent for a moment before adding, "She has been in that cage for more than a 100 years, as to why she would kill herself now is a mystery to me."
"Did you care about her?"
"No." He spat. Obviously he would lie about anything relating to weakness, so I tried a different approach.
"Did you sleep with her before my arrival? Before she was a prisoner?" He looked at me and remained silent for a moment. I could sense he was weighing his options, but I was determined to get an answer.
"Yes," he said finally. "And?"
"So you did care about her," I concluded. "Why was that so hard to admit?"
"I didn't,' Peter stated, raising his voice a bit. "There's no point admitting it, that's why."
"Of course there is," I said, smiling a crooked smile. "Because if you cared, she did too."
"And what does that mean?" Peter said, his eyebrows raised.
"She's dead on the day of your wedding day," I said. "Maybe she has secretly been waiting for you to forgive her and let her out."
"What are you implying?" Peter demanded, leaning back a little.
"That she loved you," I said, looking him straight in the eye, "and that you broke her heart..."
Silence. Her lifeless body swayed back and forth with the wind. We didn't say a word to each other. He looked deep in thought and a part of me was scared to see what would happened if I broke his train of thought.
Eventually, he snapped out of his haze. There was a hint of sadness in his eyes, but his body language clearly seems to be unaffected by his next choice of words, "That doesn't fully explain why Felix would take his own life."
A horrific realisation struck me, "It does... think about it, how could Wendy get out of the cage and hang herself up that high in a tree... unless she had help."
Peter looked back at at her body and then fell to his knees, he couldn't have looked more distraught, "Why would Felix do such a thing?" He cried out.
I kneeled beside him and hesitantly placed a hand on his back, "Felix loved Wendy. I guess some people would do anything for the ones they loved..."
He made a nearly audible whisper, "Go away."
I wasn't sure if I heard him correctly, "What?"
He shouted and pushed me, hard, "GO AWAY!"
I was so frightened that I got up on my feet and strayed away from him, "Pete-"
He lifted his arm and an invisible forced pushed me back into the ground.
He stood up and looked down at my shaking body, "Go into your treehouse and don't come out until I say so... NOW." He ordered.
I ran away from him, scared to face another punishment.
I had made it to camp and my heart had been beating like a drum. The image of Peter was unforgettable. A glint of sorrow and evil in his eyes. The anger he threw at me. My back still ached when he pushed me to the ground. Maybe I shouldn't have told him the truth. Felix was adored by the Lost Boys; their reaction to his death would be heart-breaking...
I climbed up the ladder to the treehouse and took a deep breath before entering. There, sitting with his elbows on his knees, deep in thought and worry, Thomas.
He looked up and smiled in relief, "What happened to you? When I woke up, you were gone. I looked around, but you were no where and I was expecting-"
I cut him off, "Felix is dead." I didn't even think before speaking. I was so distraught by all of it.
He stood up, "don't say that. That's a very sick joke."
I shook my head, "Thomas, I'm not joking..."
"H-how? What happened? Did you get hurt?"
He kept rambling excessively and I realised I had to be blunt with him, "He killed himself in front of me... I could have stopped him, I promise I tried to convince him. When he jumped off the cliff, I went after him. But he didn't make it..."
Two arms wrapped around my back and I was embraced by warmth, "I'm sorry you had to go through that. I really am. I really have no idea why of all people, Felix did this... he was the most loyal and courageous lost boy I ever knew. I can't understand why he would end his life."
I had remembered Wendy and I knew I needed answer, "Felix ended his life because he ended someone else's... Have you heard of the name Wendy?"
"I might've head of her. She died before my arrival and it's something the others don't like to talk about." Thomas explained remorsefully.
"Felix killed Wendy?" A sleepy, childish voice in the background asked. Thomas and I both turned our heads to find Frankie had awoken.
I detached myself from Thomas and kneeled down by Frankie's bed, "You met Wendy?"
He nodded weakly. My mouth was left agape; wouldn't this mean Frankie was over 100 years old? I shook my head, I needed to focus.
"Frankie, I need you to tell everything you know about Wendy."
He sat up on his bed and sadly spoke, "She used to play with us. She would tell us stories and help us hunt and sang me back to sleep if I had a nightmare... One day Wendy tried to hurt Peter because she wanted to go home with her brothers, Micheal and John. Peter killed her and her brothers. We were never allowed to speak about her again. Did Felix kill Wendy?" The poor boy was almost in tears so I hugged him.
Thomas intervened, "no Frankie. Felix would never have done such a thing."
I didn't appreciate Tom's lie, but the truth would have been too hard for Frankie to comprehend. After we comforted him, he told him to help prepare breakfast with the others.
After Frankie left the treehouse and the coast was clear, I told Tom, "Wendy died this morning."
He was baffled to say the least, "What? I don't understand. She died long before I came here."
I explained what happened this morning. However, I left out how I found Felix and my dreams. I didn't want him to think I was crazy, although I'm starting to believe so myself.
Thomas took a seat on the bed and looked lost in thought, "I can't believe it... who else knows?"
I sat next to him and rested my head on his shoulders, "Only Peter and I and I'd like to keep it that way."
He nodded in agreement. After a little while he got up and dressed as I watched.
He took off his shirt and I could see his body because of the sunlight that passed through the thin yellow tinted curtains. His perfect upside-down triangle back. The way he took off his shirt while his shoulder muscles stretching made a sigh escaped my lips. Without facing me, he asked, "Enjoying the view, Aurora?"
He turned and I could see him adoringly. His blue eyes shined in the sunlight and so did his body. The perfect V line on his torso was sexy but not the electric blue eyes he gazed at mine with. They were full of warmth and comfort. I'd like to think someday I could actually fall in love with him, although I'd never believe the day I do.
I stared him from down to up. My gaze on his face and there was a egotistical smile. His blue eyes filled with... love?
He put his knee on the foot of the bed sinking in the soft mattress and crawled towards me. When he was near me, face to face, he smiled and lightly kissed the tip of my nose.
I immediately giggled and he spoke, "You are nothing but wonderful, sweetpea. I'll never forget last night."
He unfortunately shuffled his shirt on and was about to leave before speaking again, "Meet me at breakfast?"
My face contorted, "Oh, I can't. Peter wanted me to stay in here. I don't want to anger him again, especially before the wedding. I'll speak to you later?"
He forced a nodded and reluctantly left.
I had sat in the treehouse for what felt like hours before Peter came in. He didn't dare look at me, his gaze searching elsewhere. He spoke calmly, but the definite grief in his eyes delivered a strange sense of relief within me? Hope even? Maybe the reminder that he's still a human boy with emotions comforted me more than it should've.
He spoke lowly, "Follow me." And he left.
I quickly followed after him and he went inside his tent. I hesitated. Brief images of the last time we were both in there together. The warmth his body radiated. His dominant grip on my waist. Our lips attacking and confiding for merely seconds. I was about to be swallowed into those thoughts as I took a step inside. A miniature gasp escaped my dry lips as I notice a beautiful wedding dress resting in front of his closet. The embroidered flowers. Flow of the lace. A little crown resting beside. If only I felt the same way about the groom.
Peter watched my reaction. Eyeing every contortion and breath I made.
I shyly looked down at his intimidating gaze, tangling my fingers in my tousled hair. Parts of me want to explore and be fine with this. With what he does. The way he treats me. Parts of me feign for how far I'm willing with his predatory side. Submit to his will. Parts of me willing to be his prey. But there's limits to me. There's limits to all of us mortals. And although he is capable of grief, I'm uncertain his capable of sentiment. He's limitless. There isn't a number on how much Peter can stretch out your bones. Or shovel you so deep into the ground that you feel as though you belong with the dirt. He can tug your veins until they're wrapped around the Earth a thousand times. Still, no limit. He can show me greatest horrors in the mere palm of his weirdly uncalloused hand. I've seen him manipulate, abuse and bring terror first hand.
I think off all the times he placed himself on me and it was more than 'I want to hurt you.', but it wasn't 'I want to please you.' either. It was, "I want you to satisfy me in the strangest ways." I don't satisfy his romantic desires, because, clearly, he obtains none. I might've satisfied his...dare I say...sexual desires when we kissed. I let him touch me all he wants. I know I shouldn't, but he is intoxicating. A shot of liquid gold. I loose control, I've always been in control. Although he is a monster, there is still a human amongst the remnants of what's left of Peter Pan.
"A.J." Peter spoke darkly. As if he could read my thoughts, thus further making me feel more vulnerable. A slight pang in my chest when he doesn't refer to me as little robin. I should be relieved, but... I'm not.
"Pan," I croaked.
He paused.
Then, he spoke, "What goes on in that little head of yours?" I looked into his grassy eyes. A terrible feeling ran through me as I begged, do not talk to me. I heard his boots hit the squeaky floorboards as he walked closer, and closer, until the heat from his body radiated off him and onto me.
"You seem disturbed." He said, I swallowed something dry.
"I saw two dead bodies today. One of which I could've prevented. I have every reason to be so." I tried not to look at him, but something made me. Maybe I needed to convince myself that I could be in control around him. His eyes were soft. He played with his supple lip in between his white teeth.
"There was no stopping Felix. Blaming yourself for his death will only weigh you down from now on and till forever." he said.
"I s-should have grabbed him! I should have done something!" I fought the quivering breaths trying to climb out of my ribs. I didn't want to break down in front of him. But I did. Hot tears were flowing down my face before I could stop them. It was all too much. I was sobbing so hard my head felt like it was going to implode. It was too intimate. It was all too much. But god, his voice was so cutting edge.
"Breathe." I couldn't lift my chin myself. He had to grab my entire face with both of his hands.
"Free yourself," he hushed, "What do you feel?" There was something so entrancing by the way he spoke. But the gut-splintering truth about him made me retaliate.
"What are you talking about?" I asked, almost confidently. Almost.
He tensed up, "Come on. Free yourself. What do you want right now?"
I could never tell him that.
Because, I wanted to take all the lost boys home. I wanted Thomas to be with me right now. But I wanted something deeper I couldn't admit to even myself yet. And that was for Pan to give me what he's been teasing me with.
My loneliness is has always acted as my starvation, and it's been grumbling within me for a long time. Too long. Waiting for the day I'll finally be fully fed.
"I-" I choked, "I don't want to be lonely anymore.", The anchors that held the warmth in his eyes dropped and the menacing monster returned. He released my face and dropped his hands down.
His voice was deep, an intoxicating suffocation, "I can't help you with that."
I nodded, "You can't. You're a heartless monster.", I shouldn't have said it. I stepped over my boundary.
"I'm trying to help, you know. Although you're not the only one who had to suffer the expenses of death.", he said.
"I know. Sorry.", he looked so vulnerable. It was terrifying. Peter, vulnerable? Ha! How so? He looked anxious and erratic. He looked like someone I could have been close to once. He lifted his arm up and I jumped in fright.
A dark smirk settled on his face, "Good girl."
I stayed quiet. Resisting every cell on my body to run away from embarrassment.
He sighed, "Now get dressed."
"But, Felix is gone. He needs a decent funeral."
"A funeral?"
"Let his death be acknowledged." I almost begged him.
"Fine. I'll inform the lost boys of his death tomorrow, I will not delay the wedding any longer."
My heart still thumping like there's no tomorrow, I sighed. There was no arguing with him.
"So," he explained, "I can see the look in your eyes... you fear me."
"I don't."
He took a step closer and I jumped again. He smiled at my reaction while I internally groaned. We stood there for what felt like hours.
He sighed, "What can I do for you? How can I fix this? I can't have my 'wife' act like this at the alter."
I shook my head for what felt like the millionth time. "There's nothing to do for me."
Pan turned his head, "Why's that?"
"I've been hopeless since before I came to this dreaded island," I spat and began to make my way out of his tent.
Pan turned his body to look up at me, "You have to get dressed. Where are you going?"
"Away," I snapped.
Before I could take another step, he snagged his hand between my calves, tugging me backward. Our legs stumbled across the room and we landed on his bed. The world tilted over as I crashed into Pan's chest, tossing him onto his side. He immediately rolled us and hovered over me. I closed my eyes. I laid there. I accepted defeat.
"Why are you walking away when I'm talking to you?" he asked. His muscled body resting above mine.
He was back. The monster was back. And he was dangerously calm, like an eagle watching it's prey before pouncing an clawing their supper.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry," I rushed, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry-"
"Christ," Pan grumbled, "stop apologizing. I'm just asking you a question."
I calmed my sore breathing as I laid in his bed. The room was too fucking silent. Breathe, breathe...
"You're so anxious," Pan said, his voice mending itself into its intoxicating melody.
He placed a finger on my lip and moved it around. I was vulnerable and open to him again.
"This is weird," I whispered.
"Is it?" he asked.
"It is."
Pan placed his hand on my neck, but did not squeeze, "What's weird is the overwhelming urge to do things to you that I know you'll never agree to." He watched the movements of my throat as if it was the most fascinating thing in the world.
I gulped which was slightly restricted by the palm over my throat, "w-what things?"
"Maybe I don't need you to agree to them..."
"Agree to what?"
He sighed and his hand left my body as he stood up, "Put your dress on and wait here. Someone will come and get you." He left as simple as that.
And in that moment, I found a vacancy of mesmerisation for just that moment.