I was born with a really great memory.
Whatever I saw, heard, or even felt was fully ingrained in my mind like an everlasting image.
At the time, I thought I was really blessed by the heavens to be created with this particular talent.
As a child, I quickly learned how to read, write, and do calculations with ease like no other.
Being raised in a village, there was little to no use to it, but it still helped me and my family when it was time for the yearly tax collection and the sparse merchants who came to trade in our remote countryside settlement.
Even when my village was raided and massacred, I alone survived due to the bandits needing a slave who was literate.
Although I could not fight back with my meagre strength and malnourished body due to little food and resources in a village, I planned to take revenge in some other way.
Years passed and when I was done learning all that I could about the world of thievery and crime through the exploits of the bandit group, I carried out my plan. I exposed everything about their crimes, numbers, and location to a high ranking noble anonymously and hid till everything was over.
Sure enough, they had been found and easily dealt with. Most had been killed while fighting in a drunken haze and some were taken back to the city to be beheaded at high noon.
As I watched them pleading for their lives before the blades of the knights, I remember feeling relief at how my family could finally rest easy in the afterlife and finally released the tears I had been holding back for years.
Even more years passed and I found a simple clerk job in the city and found a wife and family of my own. Life was stressful but sprinkled with little moments of happiness.
Money was always a problem back then, as the high paying jobs were almost always reserved for people with strength above their peers. Although they were dangerous jobs that deal with criminals and monsters, they were paid far above the rates for normal citizen-class positions.
Even though there was a bounty for the bandit group I betrayed, since I reported it anonymously to avoid suspicion and fearing they would know I was involved in their crimes, I never claimed it.
Therefore, my family was happy but we were also discriminated against because we had no wealth.
At that time, I remember wanting strength so bad that I tried different methods of training until my body gave out. Alas, my body was not built for it, and it had already taken the shape of a weak scholarly man, and it was too late for a drastic change. My stunted growth had lasting effects.
I remember reluctantly giving up, and focused on spending time with my family. Although that was also short-lived.
Only ten odd years after marriage, a plague started and spread across the continent. It affected any and all manner of life. Whether it be plants, crops, and livestock.
When it spread to our city, I remember the helplessness of watching the city I lived in burn into anarchy and chaos. The people I had come to know were shrivelling in weakness and hunger and ultimately succumbed to the sweet embrace of death. The fires and destruction spread all over.
At that time, no one knew how to deal with any random sickness and chose to burn the ill to prevent more victims. It was just a matter of time that my wife had contracted the same illness.
As I refused to leave, I sent my children away to a monastery far away, where I hoped they would be taken care of and be saved from that plague.
Only a few days had gone by when she could not hold on anymore and I was left alone. My knowledge was useless, I had not studied or learnt about medicine or any kinds of herb that could have perhaps helped her.
The dark emotions swirling inside me at that time caused me to become someone entirely different. I started to wander across the god forsaken land alone without a care in the world.
It didn't matter if I lived or died. All I wanted at that particular point in my life was for my pain and suffering to come to an end.
I had found a blade and stole some rations after continuously finding stragglers and stabbing them from behind. Even though my mind was in a dark haze, my body continued to push itself to survive.
It was shameless but I really did not deign to care.
I didn't know how much time passed but when I noticed the plague was over, I was already too far gone. Apparently, I had been reported as a mass murderer and was being put to death.
On the day of my execution, I smirked a little at how ironic it was that I also ended up the same as those bandits who ruined my peaceful childhood.
I could only hope that my children were living well, wherever they were in this rotten world. Such hypocritical thoughts filled my mind as I welcomed the cold, sharp, edge of the blade coming towards me.
A blinding light from the sun at its highest peak shone into my eyes, and in the next moment, everything faded to black.
•
But as it turns out, even that was only the first taste of my endless suffering that was called life.
•
Finally welcoming the black and never-ending abyss of emptiness, I was about to drift off into a long awaited slumber and release the memories of this finished life and hope to finally rest easy.
I had heard from the shamanic doctors that when you have transcended life and welcomed death, all your painful memories will be erased and you can finally let go of everything. There was even a chance where you were born anew as an insect or a small animal to live an ignorant and carefree life.
This was why I did not fight for myself even with all the accusations towards me about the methods I had used to survive in the times of chaos and darkness. With all of it over, I was looking forward to the next chapter of my life, even if it was the ending. I was fine with that.
Since no one dies without regret, what was the use of getting emotional about my many regrets?
My grievances and indignity, let it all be washed away in the river of time.
I really was content, I had no need to care about it too much as it was all going to disappear anyway.
Thus, I waited.
I waited for my memories and the life flashing before my vision, to fade away into crumbling, unrecognisable specks of dust.
But try as I might, they were still there. Instead of fading away, they were getting even clearer. It was as if they were being branded into my very soul.
The pain irritated me so much that I could not even fall into unconsciousness. Continuously, the pain got stronger and stronger until finally, it stopped.
The sharp contrast between the burning pain and relief immediately let me fall into a long slumber.
The next time I awoke, I was shrouded in blinding light. When my vision had adjusted, a bright blue sky revealed itself in front of me.
I was dumbfounded.
Where was I? The last thing I remembered was being stuck in a cycle of pain and darkness after I had died to an executioner's blade.
I was supposed to be freed from my fate and my memories of suffering but it seemed that was not meant to be. I had to know what happened.
After a few days of learning about my situation, it finally dawned on me.
I had been reborn. But it wasn't just that, I had retained every single piece of my memories that I had experienced in my past life.
This was not in line with what the shamans had told me at all. Every single moment of happiness, pain, and darkness was still vivid as if it only happened yesterday. Even though this body was that of a child close to adolescence, my mind was that of a tired and close to insanity, middle-aged man.
I was born with a really great memory. Only then did I realise, that the talent I was proud of was actually a curse.
I could remember anything, but I also could not forget. Even if I wanted to, my mind will not let me drift into insanity just so that I could try to forget.
That night, I cried till I had no tears left.
The maids were worried but I did not want to talk about it. It took a few days to close to a week for me to somewhat recover from my stupor.
Apparently, in my second life I was born as the second son of a noble dukedom household. My father's position was quite high, and my aunt was married to the monarch who they call the 'His Eminent Majesty'.
In this life, due to my past experiences, I had a cynical personality. Never trusting anyone including my own family. I developed as much as I can, and with the resources allocated to a scion of a grand noble house such as mine, I grew at a speed no genius could compare to.
Besides knowledge and etiquette on being a noble, I also learned to train my body correctly and how to wield different weapons such as swords and spears.
With a growing body, I developed much easier when compared to training as a fully grown adult. In a few years I had rose to the top in my generation in terms of strength and in scholarly arts. At my coming of age ceremony, I was betrothed to another duke house and swiftly married after a year of knowing each other.
This was only possible due to my over the top learning capability and experiences of hardship. Due to knowing how hard it was to live as a normal citizen and as someone who took multiple lives to survive, it was quite easy to become a respected noble in comparison.
I had the money, the looks, the strength, and the power of a country at my fingertips. I did not want for anything, and I soon enjoyed a brief period of bliss with a wife so beautiful that it would only be a dream to obtain her in my first life.
Over the years, I had the chance of learning more about this world that I awoke to. In my research, I had found out that it was the same world in my past life, but I was born on a different continent.
I did not know why, but it seemed that I only awoke when this child was close to adolescence, so I did not have to live through infancy and childhood.
His memories were completely wiped clean, so I had to improvise a lot and play most things by ear to get a grasp of daily life.
It was difficult at first, but I gradually settled into it. Even with my past memories still vivid, I can choose to ignore them somewhat to ease the pressure somehow, although it was only a temporary fix. I often experienced nightmares.
One thing I learned about was that it had been hundreds of years since that plague happened according to historical records. This meant that I had either experienced that excruciating pain for hundreds of years before being dragged here, or that time in that abyss was severely chaotic.
I could never forget the time I spent in the past life, but I guessed I was a little fortunate to be reborn as a rich noble son in my second one.
At least, that was my naive self who had experienced luxury thought at that point in time.
"Fortune and misfortune were things that only come together, but never alone."
A phrase I read in some literary work I read before popped into my head at that moment when 'it' started to attack the country a decade later.
We did not know what the hell it was.
But one thing we did know was that it heralded the end of the world.
A being of darkness suddenly appeared one bright and sunny afternoon as black clouds shrouded the sky and declared that this country was now his.
Of course, the expected response from the royal family was not resignation of surrender but a full-blown refusal leading to war.
That, was what was supposed to happen.
Instead, what followed was a one-sided massacre.
Everyone expected to see the clash of steel and blades from two opposing armies but what appeared instead, was a scene close to hell.
Beasts and monsters, the lifeforms that usually hid and made their territories inside forests, caves, and long mountain ranges came in droves.
They had become at least twice as large than normal and had more than double their strength and lethality. But the worst part was that they would not flinch when in pain, and did not mind dying so long as they kept moving to kill more and more people. The being was controlling them like puppets and easily won every battle.
People died left and right, and even though most nobles tried to run, they were swiftly taken care of by the surrounding monsters. We had no choice but to surrender.
But it was too late.
The evil being did not give us a chance and killed every member of the royal family including the monarch which was said to have obtained a 'Holy Sword' to combat the enemy.
With the leaders gone, even the tiny strand of hope people held on to, snapped. The remaining nobles were enslaved and some were tortured as examples to the general populace.
My only child in that life had taken the fancy of the being I now know was one of the 'Demon Kings' and was played with till death. My wife soon died of heart-wrenching guilt and depression, and I was left alone once more.
It was funny how my worthless life that had learned prided sword and spear arts was left alive at the very end with an even stronger sense of helplessness than ever before.
Even if I wanted to go crazy, I couldn't. Even if I wanted to fight against that thing, it would amount to nothing. A sense of defeat permeated my entire being, and left me a hollow husk of a man.
Time passed and suddenly the demon country continued to expand until I was on my death bed feeling empty after repeated attempts to obtain revenge. I had tried everything, whether it be gathering information, rallying troops, asking for aid from other countries, and even assassination.
Somehow, my accursed will to survive no matter what lead me to old age without dying. Ending my own life was a thought that came to mind too many times to count, but I couldn't do it. An excuse would always come out, preventing it.
In the end, I still came back to that endless darkness without accomplishing anything of note.
Once again, I experienced that familiar burning pain and I fell into another slumber soon after.
After a period of time, I had awoken again and the world had changed. That was the moment I knew that besides my accursed memory, I was given the power to continuously be reincarnated.
Even if the second life was due to my luck, the third time cannot be a simple coincidence.
Cursed with memories I did not want, I continued this cycle of endless repetition with the goal to become someone unbound by fate and finally have the freedom to disappear into nothingness.
•
'Hmm, so the previous life had ended already?'
In my view was the nostalgic and sickening darkness of the ever familiar and silent abyss.
'It took a while this time, since I reached the demigod state quite fast and almost reached true divinity after 600 years.'
A familiar burning sensation had since started earlier but at my level, my soul can now barely even feel it. Even if my memories this time were longer, the pain is manageable no matter how much stronger it gets.
'This time, let's see if I can reach demigod state after 100 years as a challenge.'
As I waited for the burning pain of my memories being branded onto my now much larger soul, I mentally sighed at how much longer can this go on. I had been endlessly repeating this cycle for more than hundreds of lifetimes already.
'Once I reach true divinity, I shall finally have the strength to end my existence permanently.'
At least, I hope that happens.
After what seemed like a short time, but also a long wait, the burning sensation had stopped and I began to feel drowsy.
'How much time will pass this time? A century? Two or three centuries? Maybe even a millennia? I can only hope they have new things to look forward to when I awake.'
It had been more than a thousand years since the 'Rifle' was invented, and many other similar weapons of war came into being soon after.
When my life was coming to an end this time, I only knew that the new country dictators have just begun the all out war, and none will be excluded from the flames of conflict.
Although I could stop the war with only a wave of my hand, I knew that it would only delay the inevitable. War and conflict will always happen regardless of the circumstance.
Human greed and ambition knew no boundaries, and I was once like that in the past.
'But with this, a whole new era of prosperity awaits after the war results in unification.'
It's not much to look forward to, but I do sometimes enjoy the new things people come up with, such as that stringed instrument called a 'guitar' or the food they call 'sandwich'.
As I entertained my idle thoughts, I slowly let myself drift into a deep sleep...
•
"...I have something to tell you. Please listen."
A confident and serious-sounding voice awoke me from my slumber.
'I guess that this was my new host's voice.'
As I regained my vision, I saw a beautiful girl standing in front of me. She had long auburn hair and amber eyes. She was young, probably a woman who had just come of age.
What she wore over her clothes were somewhat strange, strange metallic armor pieces with strange rune-like patterns were placed in various areas.
But the thing that caught my attention the most was her expression. It was composed of somewhat mixed emotions that may have been anger, embarrassment and a close to tears indignance.
"What is it? What do you have to say?!"
I may have come at a time where this new host of mine was caught philandering with another woman and the girl in front of me was demanding an explanation from him. I do have experience in dealing with women, but I have only ever been faithful to one woman each lifetime.
For these kinds of hosts, it's better to force my awakening now and separate from this girl before she gets even more hurt from his actions.
But just as I was going to activate the possession ritual prematurely, my new host continued speaking...
"This, take a look at this."
I see, he was probably going to give her a gift of some sort to appease her and apologise. It was a valiant but clever method, but that ultimately depended on whether the recipient liked the gift.
'Hopefully it will be a ring or jewellery of some sort right? A temporary fix it may be, but it's better than not-'
"Why, why do you have my bra!?"
As I was slightly interested in the love drama, my thoughts started to wander, but was stopped abruptly.
'Eh?'
As I looked down, I finally noticed that my host's right hand was strongly gripping the end of what looked to be a woman's undergarment for her chest area. It had red and pink frills and laces designed with roses and adorned with stars.
"Your chest size, it is perfect. It's the biggest I have ever seen in all my life. They are round but shaped in all the right ways, soft and smooth like silk, large but springy, and most likely will never sag nor wither. Truly a marvel! A product that could have only been moulded by the hands of the 'God of Art' himself! Ah, I am unworthy."
'Ehhhh?!'
"Pervert! What the hell are you saying while waving that around!? Quickly give it back or I will make sure your life a living hell!"
The young woman screamed in agitation as she glared at me, or rather my new host as he was twirling her undergarment in the air repeatedly. Her face grew so red that she was fuming mad, and her eyes were so wide they could spit fire.
'This is bad, I really don't want to awaken in the middle of this fiasco. Or rather, I don't even want to awaken in this host now.'
It happened very rarely, but this was one of the times where I wanted to give up on life before even starting it. Most of those situations were being forced to awaken in dangerous war zones or areas where strong monsters were present.
But this is the first time I wanted to go back to the abyss from being embarrassed at my new host's shamelessness...
"...Laura, I really do think your body is perfect. I have deeply fallen in love with your body. Please, do become my fourth girlfriend!"
As he said that, he fell to one knee and as if religiously, slowly held out the undergarment with both hands as if to offer a present to the king.
"..."
"....."
As the wind carried with it the leaves of autumn, my soul was shaking violently in distress.