Much to my dismay, a month after I began taking Effexor XR I was enrolled in University and playing for the St. Thomas Volleyball team. The SNRI that was administered by the Doctor changed the course of my life in a miraculous way. I genuinely felt like myself again. Not only did I feel like myself again, but I also gained an important insight into the madness of mental illness. It gave me compassion and understanding for those afflicted with mental disorders and how debilitating they can be/ become. It also showed me the power of family. My Dad, Mom and Sister (mainly my Dad) were there for me through it all. Through all of the late-night car rides to set my nerves at ease, all of the nights spent by my side when I couldn't' stand the thought of being alone in the dark. That love, that level of love shown to me was something I can never truly pay back. And so, because of their unconditional care for me, and because I chose to hang with hope when my perception of the world was fear alone, there I was, against all odds, entering University in the Fall of 2006.
During University classes I could tell that nothing had really changed between who I was in High School and who I was now. Really though, only a couple months had passed since High School graduation. There was no concept of the urgency to get good grades and have that translate into a heathy work ethic and subsequently a steady income. I'd show up for class, sometimes I'd listen and take notes. Notes taken would be disorganized and as class-time passed by, my writing just got more and more indiscernible. I'd daydream, gaze around the room at the University girls, eat food or talk.
I took a psychology class first semester. When the teacher would get frustrated because he couldn't convey his ideas in an adequate manner, he would bang his head and his fist off the classroom door. Perhaps, that was a way of rewiring the misfiring circuitry within his grey matter. We just looked at him; wide eyed, with a half grin that said "what the fuck is happening?". His classes were undeniably odd and somewhat boring. I liked to go for intermittent pee breaks to help the time pass and would gallivant my way back into the class with a smirk on my face. Generally, the smirk meant nothing, just kind of a "look at me statement".
There was an incident in Psychology where I hiked my pants up to my belly button after a pee break and tucked my shirt into my pants trying to look like Steve Erkle. I galavanted into the room with a devious grin on my face; it did what I hoped it would; I got a few giggles.
Another class I remember from first semester was Philosophy. The entire semester was spent talking about my dear friend Socrates. To the Prof's credit he made the class somewhat interesting, yet I always seemed to think it was a good idea to fall asleep in his class. Which is a fairly safe bet if you're in a class of fifty plus students; the philosophy class had five, and I was in the front row. Sigh. The ignorance and self-centeredness of a young Benjamin. The Prof must have loathed me.
So, yeah, I made the STU volleyball team. I was on the starting line-up for the first few months. A good buddy of mine from High School played on the team as well and we got along famously.
Even though I got along with everybody fairly well, I still felt like a bit of a loner on the team, I watched the other rookies making connections as I just sort of faded into the background. On the STU team I mostly felt like an unwanted addition who didn't seem to fit anywhere. To be fair I didn't put much into the team, I even skipped the rookie hazing party to hang out with my close friends instead. Partying took precedent over everything.
Weekend after weekend blurred by until the death of all things alive moved in on us, and along with it, the snow. When December hit, I decided to quit the STU volleyball team because there were a few practices that I'd missed and by that time I felt the team thought I was a coward. The Coach was adamant that this was not the case, but my paranoia spoke otherwise. Then just like that first semester of University concluded and my marks rolled in; I passed, but just barely; four C minus's and one D, I was a shoe in for the Dean's List; debatable.