Yep, High School was over. What an odd feeling. Almost like you're in some sort of limbo. Lois and I did become boyfriend and girlfriend. She started coming over quite often and we'd talk about all sorts of things. About six days into our relationship we were talking in my bedroom, on my futon, as per usual when she asked to see the old Ganong's Chocolates, I told her I was nervous; I was always nervous, but this was a different type of nervous. I thought my wang looked weird. Eventually, I gave in and whipped it out, she didn't gasp or say "Oh, the humanity!", thank God. Apparently, it looks relatively normal.
It was either later that day or the following day that we made love. It was the first time for both of us, and I was crazy about her, maybe even in love. Due to that fact I've never regretted giving my virginity away to Lois. I certainly can't speak for her though (awkward laugh). There are no real memories of how that initial awkward encounter went or anything, so we'll stay away from that weird description; we rammed okay, we rammed. There you have it.
Over the course of the Summer of 2006 I kept telling Lois that I was sorry for how restricted our activities had to be due to my mental state. She was always kind about that particular insecurity and would listen whenever my frustrations with life boiled over.
It was now August ... about five months into this obscure anxiety induced confinement. I was sitting in my mother's living room. She said that I appeared to be lifeless, a shell of my former self, and I was, I wanted to cry, but couldn't. In the wake of this ghost-like trance of hopelessness, I started to sift through an old idea a relative had suggested to me. It was something my aunt had brought to my attention a few months back and it was now finally beginning to break through the Ego that shut it out. I googled the symptoms and signs of "Generalized Anxiety Disorder" (GAD). As I read over the symptoms of GAD it was evident that every single one of them applied to me. It was a moment of tremendous relief and an awakening of sorts. The power of mental illness is paramount. I genuinely thought anxiety was something that was mild, only to come and go like the moving tides. The grip and terror that this anxiety disorder had reaped over my life was astounding to me. However; with that realization came a solution.
I agreed to start seeing a therapist and my Doctor put me on a Serotonin Norepinephrine Reuptake Inhibitor (SNRI). Medication scared the shit out of me, but continuing to live like this scared me even more, so I decided to give it a shot.
The first time I took the medication, my Dad, along with one of his friends and I were on a camping trip in Mactaquac. My body and mind began to feel funny, but I just figured it was another trick being played by the cunning omnipotence of this horrific "anxiety disorder".. Sitting by the campfire that night there was a sliver of calm that came over me. It melded into the morning sunrise, and I can remember leaning over and smiling at my Dad on our way out of the campground. "I think I'm going to be okay Dad". I was reluctant to say those words as if the joyful feeling would evaporate with my hopeful expression.
For me, the SNRI that was administered to me did what I no longer believed possible. I felt like myself again, it was truly a revelation. I'm not saying that medication is for everyone, but for me it was an undoubted miracle. However; because I started to feel less chaos in my brain, the old fierce desire to party at every opportunity came rushing back. Once again alcohol became my dictator and everything else was a faded afterthought. I did my best to hold everything together on the outside and always felt like I was just managing to keep my head above water.