I've hated myself to the point where I didn't know if it was possible for me to go on living. I've falsely elevated myself to the point where there was no one else greater. Each of these extremes leads to emptiness and self-hate. I want to be "normal"..... I want to stop self-obsessing and simply be okay with myself. Everything is used to the extreme to try and fill this void, but the more I search the emptier I feel....yet I cannot just "choose" to leave the path. It is wrought with fear mongering, with false promises, with compulsion and dependency, and so I move ever onward, past rationality, past ultimatums, and sadly, even past love; and amidst all of the confusion, there is
only one truth..... I don't know how to change, and so now, I want to die.
To feel complete; whole, to feel like I am enough, that is the goal, but how? This question pervades my day to day, transient, turbulent reel of thoughts that often haunted me. I would delve and dive into the stillness of the water looking for relief, this still existing predicament; perhaps focusing on the ripples from the water I disturb for far too long, rather than returning to the solution that allowed me to make my way back to the surface.
There are always ways for me to sooth myself quickly or to take the edge off feelings of discomfort. A prodigious food bender, female attention, outside validation, sex, social media, but quick fixes are only band aids that swiftly become frayed and wither away in time. Recovery in a lot of ways is doing a bunch of things we may not want to do, in order to feel the way that we want to feel. After working Steps One through Nine much of my past was cleaned up (to the best of my ability) and it was only after working the steps of an anonymous program and making my way through the sometimes-painful process of finding or re-discovering my true self did two crystal solutions come speeding their way into my bubble; both are riddled in 12-Step literature. Number one; I need to be doing my best to think of others, and steer my life in a direction where the service of others is paramount, and number two, pray and relentlessly connect in order to broaden my spiritual connection to a higher power.
When left to my own devices I'll become sick. "My way" will sink me into a cavern of despair and melancholy, tormented in anti-social undisciplined solitude and all the while the only voice that echo's and permeates the stagnant air is one that asks me to end my life, for I am but nothing and no-one. This disease, the mental madness seems to want me dead, and a spiritual solution has been "my" way out, as "the bottle" is no longer a viable option. That's as simple as it gets. There is more, so much more, but when boiled down its crucial that I at least try to grow and live my life one day at a time through a higher power of my understanding. For me, its God, not a Christian god, my own god, an all-governing force of the Universe. For you it could be totally different and from what I've seen its all good. A friend of mines higher power is John Lennon (small chuckle) and he's thirty-eight years sober now.
This journey is about getting well, and distancing ourselves from the slavery and utter insanity of drug and alcohol use. It's about learning to trust ourselves again and realize that "of course you're fucking worth it". Please take what you will from what I have to say, some of it may not work for you, or you may not be able to relate to some of it or most of it, but I pray that you take what is of use for you and ignore the rest. Never let ego, and pessimism keep you from becoming the beautiful, benevolent, bodacious, illuminated self you were meant to be.