Right now, they're dead to me. I've now grown accustomed to the daily chatter of birds at sunrise and crickets at night. These are my new comforters. And if I were to ever hear them again, the cicadas. Their cry would only be an ear-splitting nuisance to my foreign ears. Right now, I'm a foreigner to my own hometown.
Erichin mountain pass
2001
Fifty miles northwest of the Meirochi district
"I know I'm not supposed to be entertained but. . ." Okonayami said. "It's kind of boring at night. Out here in the wilderness."
The forest may have been lovely and intriguing at day but at night, the only sound comes from the crickets and the crackling fire. But this may have been the fault of the limited human brain; incapable of thinking of ways to have fun. Even the shadows seemed to dance behind us.
The bear, Giminen named Daizaiel had already fallen asleep in the ghastly shade of the trees. Razael stood at the other side, staring tirelessly at the unchanging blackness. The witch named Aka had fallen asleep on the ground beside the fire. A cat had crawled from her basket and cuddled beside her. Okonayami sat on a log at my side with her head against my shoulder. I looked up at the sky. And as I expected, it was obscured from view. So I just stared at the rustling branches, and my mind wandered.
Where was I? I'm not sure. Why am I here? I wasn't told. What is my purpose? I have none. Still, I want to. . .need to keep living for Okonayami's sake. She wrapped her hands around mine and stared at the fire. It shimmered in her eyes making me smile.
"Senpai?"
"Hm?"
"Want to go look for stars?"
"Hm? Stars? But why?"
"I want to seem them, to gaze at them. I've been confined to a life of hiding my whole life. Now that I am free, I want to enjoy every bit of it as long as I live. And with you of course, senpai."
I didn't know how to answer her. I never knew. Her voice was sweet and her words got me tongue-tied.
"So senpai." She said getting up. She held out a hand for me to take it. "Shall we go looking for stars?"
". . .I. . .ok."
I took her hand and got up. Razael still hadn't moved nor had the other two awoken.
"Are you sure it's safe for us to go alone?" I asked, presuming that we were.
"I think so. It's okay right, Mr. Razael?"
He grunted and waved us off. Okonayami sighed in relief. It seemed that she had been fearing his answer.
"It's okay, Okonayami-chan. We can go. But not too far."
"Okay."
"Still," Razael said. "To travel this forest by your lonesome is a bit risky. You might. . .See things. It's Aesthaea's doing, an enigma she put on the forest for trespassers."
We started off past Daizaiel's sleeping place. As we entered the dark place, the ambience suddenly shifted. Now, it was eerie and lonely. It brought fear to my heart but I had to be brave for now. For Okonayami. I felt her clutch tightly against my arm.
"It's okay if you wanna turn back. . ."
"No. It's okay. It's just a little cold."
"Cold? I see."
The mist in the forest was eerie blue; reflecting off the moon that barely shone between the cluster of trees. The trees seemed to have been parted on either side, so, on instinct, we followed it's naturally carved path.
"Senpai? Can I hold you tighter?"
I looked down at her. She was already close. Any closer and she'd be against my body.
"Okay."
I felt her huddle closer to me, hugging my arm tighter. But comfort, not pain, emanated from it. I smiled again. This girl, she made me, even in the scariest of scenarios, feel content.
We continued a soundless tread through the forest, trying to memorize the way as to not get lost. But still, the trees obscured the sky, blocking our view.
"How far have we walked? Do you think we should go back?"
"No. Not until we see the stars."
"We could try to climb the trees." I laughed internally on my suggestion. The trees were like palms, only standing straight up. They were impossible to climb.
"I can't climb." Okonayami admitted. Neither could I. "Besides, look at those trees. I wouldn't want you to get hurt falling from one of them."
Her words of comfort and care still refused to grow on me. What trauma could a child have gone through to be forced to kill? Forced her to grab hold onto the only way out of grief. The pain, even though not being my own, still stung me. I had always thought it to be empty words but. . .
I really felt Okonayami's pain. I'd gladly hurt anyone who had an intention to hurt Okonayami even if she was wrong. I'd still fight for her. Like she did for me. This relationship, was odd. But, still, it was unique. That made it special.
"Okonayami?"
"Hm?"
"Can I ask you a question? Even though you may not want to answer it, I want to know. And, don't worry. I won't think any less of you."
"You want to know who I killed that day?"
"Uhuh."
"It was a boy. His existence was. . .Unneeded."
Her words shocked me. Did she kill someone because she thought that he was useless? Or wasn't helpful?
"Okonayami-chan, did you. . ."
"No. I had a reason. Men are evil, senpai. . .Senpai?"
Was she really that cold-hearted? I knew I said I would think no less of her but. . .That was pointless murder. I could see my fear reflecting off Okonayami's eyes. She started to cry.
"S-senpai! Please don't hate me! I'd take it back." Her sobs now turned into streams of tears running off her face. "I'd take it back if you'd hate me for it!"
Only that? She'd only take it back because I may be mad at her? There was no remorse, no regret. She killed someone. She wanted to do it. She may have even enjoyed it. What kind of person. . .?
"Senpai!!"
Her presence had suddenly gotten scary. I was now alone, with a murderer in the middle of nowhere. I was being dragged into the middle of a possible hell-hole by a coward and a talking beast. I was alone. Father died. They killed him. I had no more words, nothing to say. Running back to the camp was out of the question. So I ran away. To be alone. Like I always have.
Erichin mountain pass
2001
Day 1
\Okonayami/
My heart ached. It was painful. Did I just lose someone? Should I have lied to keep her? No. I didn't want to lose her. My only escape from the hell called loneliness. I'd rather die. But I can't think of my loneliness anymore can I? I was selfish, not to think of Todoroki's feelings. She was scared. Frightened of me. So, to keep her, I had to become someone she wouldn't be scared of.
I watched her run away. My vision blurred and I felt like collapsing. What had I done? I'm a monster but Todoroki. . .She's just a normal high-schooler who doesn't deserve any of this.
Even so, I have to get her back. I have to get back my Senpai. She doesn't belong to me but I care too much to lose her.
"I can't lose my senpai."
I dashed off towards her, my strength flailing. I tripped over a rock and bruised my elbow but still, I kept running. After I've caught her, I'll settle everything. This journey, our journey, this odd relationship, our odd relationship. I'd fix it all on my own. I am a monster, I know, a demon. It's what my name truly meant.
Okonayami, 'the sinful sadist'.
"Senpai!?"
I cried. I knew she wouldn't answer. She hated me. But still. . .Even so. . .Senpai.
The sound of my heavy breathing and footsteps filled my ears. My feet ached but not as much as my heart. Everything that had been a happy moment just now turned out to be filled with grief.
I had only wanted to see the stars.
I stopped. I couldn't take it anymore. My feet wouldn't budge and my chest's every compression was filled with pain. Even my breathing threatened to stop because of the lack of energy. Tears came from my eyes. I had to keep going. No matter what.
I fell to the ground. My body didn't have the strength to keep up with my heart. I felt like I was dying. I wanted to die, now that I've lost my senpai. My only way out of darkness. Where would I go after that? Heaven? Or hell? Now wasn't the time for that. I tried to get up again, uncaring of my physical health.
A light caught my eye as I looked up. Only for a brief moment. I stared again. It came back, wavering this time, taking the form of an animal. An owl. Was this a symptom of my current state? Instead of an owl, I'd rather envision my senpai. I stood up and stared at it, barely managing to hold my ground.
It landed in front of me, gazing up at my eyes with it's dark ones. Beady and lifeless. It spoke, it's voice deeper than the ocean itself.
"Are you a man or a girl?" It asked. I froze. No one was here to comfort me or wake me from this dream. Not even Todoroki. "Are you a beast or a human? Do you love with your heart or with your soul? If there's something you want, ask for it." It turned it's back to me. "And when it obliges. . .Never let it go."
I shook my head. I was wasting time hallucinating. Senpai could be in trouble. As I expected, the bird was no longer there. Still, I reminisced on its words. Senpai hadn't obliged. She never once said that she had accepted me. I hadn't asked. I just took her. And from the moment I did that, we were tossed into a world of confusion. She must hate me.
As the forest became silent again; untainted by even my noisy breathing, I heard a voice. It was senpai. I walked towards it's source. I saw her sitting on a rock and gazing at the sky. I heard a twig crack beneath my feet. She looked at me, then returned her gaze. My heart sank.
"Senpai, I. . ."
"Okonayami, I. . ."
We had spoken at once. What had she wanted to say? No. Before all that. Before she decides to scold me, to scorn me, to hate me. I have to apologize. I have to let her know that i'd change my ways for her.
"I'm sorry."
We had spoken at once again. Why was she sorry? I was the monster, the one who enjoys killing men. Those that have no need to exist. She spoke again.
"Sorry for running away. Geez, I'm such a child."
"No. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have lied. I should've told you at first but. . .I was scared you'd leave me. . .Like you did just now."
"I'm sorry about that. Just needed a little space to process things but I've made up my mind."
Made up her mind? Was she gonna hate me forever? What happens after this? Where will she go? She stood up and walked over to me. Was she gonna slap me? I didn't care. . .if it made her feel better then. . .I closed my eyes, bracing for the pain. But instead. She wrapped her arms around me. I cried again.
"Senpai!?"
"I've made up my mind. I'm your senior now so. . .whatever you do. Whatever problems you have, I'll be there. Every step of the way."
"Senpai? After all I've done. . .But, why?"
"Silly Okonayami. I need you and you need me remember? That way, none of us can be alone."
"S-senpai!!"
I cried and hugged her back. Now, I didn't have to be alone. Senpai still cared for me, still loved me. Senpai.
"Okonayami?"
"W-what is it?"
"You have to promise that you'd never hurt me or anyone else okay?"
"O-okay."
"Also."
"Hm?"
"You wanted to see the stars, right?"
"Uhuh."
"Come to where I was sitting just now. We can see the stars from there."
"Okay."
She let go of me and held my hand, taking me to the place where she was sitting. I sat down on a rock beside her and looked up at the beauty of the heavens. Millions of twinkling stars rendered throughout the sky. The incomprehensible colors of the milky way stood amongst it, adding to the unnatural beauty.
"So pretty. . ."
"I know."
I turned my gaze to the girl beside me.
"Senpai, what were you talking about just now? Before I found you, I heard your voice. . ."
"Oh that. It's kind of silly. I was just making a wish."
"A wish? For what?"
"I had wished to be able to go back home. To see dad, even mom. To be able to go to school and have many friends. I wanted to live happily. . .And with my kohai of course."
"Senpai. . .? You shouldn't have told me that."
"Why not?"
"Telling someone your wish makes it harder come true."
"Is that so?"
"Still, I'm glad you told me. I wish for that too."
I returned my gaze to the stars and made a silent wish. What had I wished for? I don't want to say it because. . .I really, truly want it to come true.
--till the next chapter--