I can't comprehend the words I'm hearing. I refuse to accept them either. Who would have thought I would be forced to watch my beloved tortured and that he had to watch me be tortured in the same way. Now we both have unfaceble consequences.
* * *
I vaugley register hands guiding me. I am beneath a man. I shake my head and the psin scatters my thoughts. I feel hands pull me from underneath the man breaking as I am pull along. I vaguely feel hands patch up my tattered body and send me to a sleeping stage.
I awake to a quiet cozy environment. I feel my body is in physical pain and my head throbs. I survey the area and my magic which has been repressed over flows causing the area I lay to overgrow with life. I hear shuffling of feet and excited chatter and a woman sits beside me.
"Welcome back to the living. I know exactly who you are but let's see if you do," the woman says. Her words are a lot and my mind chews on them as t hff ey spin around my head making my head hurt more and I groan in mental pain. I hold my head and the woman passes me a cup I push it away instinctively. "Peculiar. Sorry Dear," the woman says and vanishes.
I feel like my head is going to split open with all the fragments swirling in it. I soon fall into a deep physical self healing sleep. My magic repairs my body without my help and so progress is slow but my body and mind are both very tired. My magic feels that I am delicate and on the brink of death.
I wake up again and I can feel most of the surface pains are gone and some internal injuries have CV closed and most are healing. My magic has drawn peach trees into existence around me. A surge of magic escapes me and I feel like a band has been slapped into the right place and now everything floods my head.
I remember being in the palace when He Zhen is taken. I remember the way I left things. I remember my mission. I try to retain information but it hurts to remember everything at once. I grip mg head holding it as though I'm actually holding my head together with my hands.
A familiar woman comes in and hands me a cup. Instinctively I push away the cup and expect it to be forced down my throat but the cup is placed next to me instead. "It's water. You need to drink something," the woman says placing the cup in my hand. I study her familiar face but my head is too full and too lost to recall anything. "I can prepare you a flower tea from the trees you grew," she offers as I study her waiting for her to produce the disgusting liquid and send me back to my peaceful nothingness.
"Won't force me yourself," I mumble out. The woman is astonished and holds my hand and shakes her head at me.
"No, I won't do that," she says as she puts the cup to her face and drinks from it. She sets the cup back into my hands and leaves. My thoughts are like glass returned to sand.
I takes me some time but I remember who I am and how old I am. I recall children and recieve a warning that seeing them could have a negative domino effect on my very fragile health.
I let my fragments collect themselves and recuperate with a mixture of doctor's treatment and magic healing. I recall the awful events that happened to me. I recall them as blurs melded together and compressed by my mind for my mind's sake.
I am broken but unbroken. I cry when I sleep and when I'm awake. I shiver and shudder at nothing and everything. I have nightmares and day hauntings. I recall being in a hurry and realise no one has spoken to me about time. How long was I held captive for?
I wonder and ponder but am unable to reach an answer. I guess to myself a couple months tops. I don't really want to ask but I want to recover so I can return to my sons. I recall nine children that flashed in my memories. My fragile mind cradles the thought before it causes too much pressure on my mind sending me into a faint.
I am caught by the woman taking care of me and when I'm stable again I ask her. "How long has it been since Empress Xing Bai Mi has gone to the battle front?" I asks assuming she knows of my martial based on how she treats me.
"The Empress Xing Bai Mi of Great Chu went to the front to protect the Empires of Great Jin, Great Chu, and Sheng about a little less than eight years ago. Upon arriving she went to rescue her husband but was captured. After a couple months Emperor Tuoba He Zhen of Great Chu returned but he claimed that the Empress was unfit to be Empress any longer and he married Sio Ji of Huai as his Empress. Empress Xing Bai Mi was demoted to Consort Faith. The two Princes she left behind were smart and helped detoxify their father. He took responsibility for Sio Ji and their children and kept her as a concubine and then he went to war with Sio Huang." the woman says very descriptivly and animated. "Empress Xing Bai has been missing for over half a decade though and so unless she returns Great Chu is permanently on Great Jin's red list. Great Jin is to be trifled with. The people call for the Empress's rescue as Sio Huang flaunts that she is his. Apparently in the years that she has been his captives she has had him nine children in only seven years. Only one person has come to Sheng with this information and told us that the Empress is still an Empress but now she dresses in close to no clothes and that she is often caught intimate with Sio Huang anywhere. Rain or shine they can be seen intimate in public it is a disgusting sight. The Empress has secured the existence of the Huai Royal Family the more he had sex with her the more he left his living seed everywhere and desperate women and men gathered it and have been producing second hand Sio children. There is a rumor that Huai has used a drug to control Chu's Empress like she is a personal sex slave to that Sio Huang. After it was announced that Huai established blood ties with many nations and now there is an awful truce aloft," the woman finishes telling the story I didn't want to hear.
"That is awful. How long have I been here in your care?" I ask the woman curious. The women serves us both a cup of peach blossom tea.
"You were given to me by a couple about six months ago," she answers then continues on about the gossip of Chreat Chu. "With this time it marks eight years since Empress Xing Bai Mi was captured. It has also been Six years since that Sio Ji woman has been a part of Emperor Tuoba He Zhen's harem. He deposed the Empress Xing Bai Mi but redacted his decision as he found she was the only suitable person for his Empress. He keeps Sio Ji in the palace and I heard they have a second child. Soon the Empress Xing Bai Mi will be an old wives tail," she continues.
"Wow, you know so much," I say to the woman and remember she is the only disciple of the Medicine King, the first wonder doctor, Zhu Ling.
"I know that you Hai Ming have walked a harsh path," She says.
"Whoses path is not?" I ask. She looks at me realizing I don't expect an answer.
"The Wu family has two small boys who miss their mother. The Wu Manor has sent for you," Zhu Ling says as she places a large bundle and a letter in my lap.
The letter is from Wu Ruan, Lin Rui, and He Yan. They all explain their understanding and that they have and wil lm continue to protect the children but they failed to also protect me and if I can return to them they can die happily.
I cry and decide to return to my little bun and little rice ball. I have missed their life but I crave to not miss another moment. I remember naming my first son Tuoba Xing Wu Hai Ke and decide if Tuoba Xing was what they named my second son I will name him Tuoba Xing Liansong.
I prepare myself as much as possible. I hate being fragile but I know if I fight too much my fate will be worse than being alive and fragile. I can be dead and even more fragile.
Zhu Ling prepares me medicines and thanks me for the trees I accidentally grew. She promises to take care of them and that I can always come back to the small house tucked away in the lushness of the forest of Hai Ling Mountain. The Wu Manor is only a couple days trip away by horse back and a majestic looking stallion awaits me. The horse is white with speckled colors of grey in the horses beautiful coat and the horse has long flowing grey mane and tail.
When I arrive at the manor two days later I am tired, relieved, terrified, excited, scared, and anxious. I set down from the horse and lead it towards the manor doors. The horse is affectionate and seems to nudge me on.
When I get closer an alarming number of people appear and then a frenzy of cries hugs and "Young Madam!" begins. I am brought in and the horse is taken to be cared for by stable hands.
I am pulled into an embrace by Lin Rui, He Yan and Wu Ruan. They sit me down and two small boys enter one seems to know exactly who I am and the other seems to wonder if I exist or not. I recognize both of my sons right away. As they come closer I can't help rushing forward and bringing them into a hug.
I cried with my sons in my arms for about an hour but now I have become a bit more composed and am listening to my boys tell me stories about their lives so far. My little bun and little rice ball have grown up so much and I feel a pang of regret that I have been absent from their lives for so long.
"What is my name?" my little rice ball asks me and I stare at him unsure. I want to tell him my idea but I feel guilty deciding to give him a name after all I was absent for.
"What is your name my good son?" I ask my little rice ball. I should have left him a name before leaving.
"They call me Wu Hai Mi Tian," he smiles up at me. "They call me Min Tian instead of Mi so that I can live next to my mother's shadow not in it," my small son says with a smile. "My grandpa Xing also says my name is Tuoba Xing Tian Ming, but he thinks I am similar to my mother most and that my father doesn't deserve to change my name," he says brightly.
I smile they named him after me and he is very bright and smart. They boys have been here since small and my Father has taken them to Great Jin announcing them as my children and my heirs. It helps both me and my father's position on the throne. They live in the Wu Manor and study many things from Great Jin, Great Chu, and things from Sheng are abundant in their minds. I was a naturally smart child and at least I was able to pass this attribute to my children.
I spend two months with my family in the Wu Manor before my father comes and brings us to Great Jin. I am not ready to face the Empire I let down. I feel immense guilt and my father and my sons try to cheer me up. Tuoba Xing Wu Hai Ke and Tuoba Xing Wu Hai Min Tian bothhave a mixed form of Eather and Nether magic. Ke'er can make sand into growing glass flowers and Min'er can turn flowers into other nonliving substances that continue to grow even with the new material. The saying money doesn't grow on trees is challenged by a secret golden Peach tree he created when practicing his unknown magic. They tell me of the talents I have given them but I worry I have given them a curse.
People will fear the new power they hold or they will covet it and hurt my children to force them to use it. In the moment they have learned to control their magic and choose to focus on the Eather side of their magic as their father hadn't been attentive to them since my death.
"Mi'er your sons may be they future rulers of Great Chu but Great Jin is also a part of their blood. Since you have been demoted why not come back and be Emperor Qian of Great Jin? It is very difficult but I have made up my mind. Before I die I want to see you rule the Empire as it's Emperor not just an overthrow able Empress. I have already put it in writing and since Tuoba He Zhen appointed you Emperor Mai of Great Chu their isn't room for the court to disagree," my father says. No one will tell me what is wrong with my father but I can feel it in my bones that my father is dying.
"I might need your guidance and more healing time but I will definitely make you proud my Imperial Father. Why won't you tell me what ails you so we might have m.j ore time together?" I ask my father pressing for answers.
My father looks at me with sad eyes and then he looks down to pull something from the folds of his robes. He passes me a token he recieved from my mother before her death.
"Your mother calls to me. She has seen you stand up again and calls to me. My heart is whole and my life is full. I have immense power and a worthy heir," my father says simply.
"Crown Princess should have been your title even before you married a Crown Prince of some foreign Empire. I myself have been in many battles and lived long enough for my body to begin deteriorating." My father continues to say as I inspect the beautiful jade. "Your mother wanted to name you Xing Mi Qian but she was once Consort Qian and decided a higher role should be granted to you. Empress Qian was what she had in mind of course but I believe Emperor Xing Qian of Great Jin is the next best possibility," My father explains reminiscing about the days with my mother.
"I will," I say as I remember my mother and her terrible fate. I learned from that past and built up walls trusting people rarely. I over came my obstacles with trust and was able to believe there was good in everyone depending on which point of view you held. I just had to be open minded and protect myself. I needed to focus myself and face the pain I went through. The path of revenge is endless and I could defeat Sio Huang and Sio Ji without hurting the people if Huai.
"When will you deal with your matters Tuoba He Zhen?" my father asks believing me. I recall what Zhu Ling told me. I don't know the full story but things have definitely reached my father's ears and if I deal with Tuoba He Zhen my father will stay out of it but if I don't my father will definitely handle it.
"What happened with him while I was captive? And what is the most recent news of Great Chu?" I asks. I figure Tuoba He Zhen has his difficulties but to marry the Sio woman and sleep in her bed while her brother tortured me and even going as far as deposing me needs explaining. My father sizes me and decides to tell me as much as possible with less words.
"Tuoba He Zhen was freed from captivity after Sio Ji gave birth to his Third son. Sio Ji made him publicly marry her depose you and ruined their image to the people of Great Chu by having him sleep with her in public areas in broad daylight. He managed to slip out of her control when I snuck your sons into your palace in Great Chu. Your sons had access to their healing abilities when they were infants. They touched him and then he spat up blood and an awful concoction," he pauses as I seem to be building the pieces of my memory to absorb his words.
"A terrifying concoction seems to be something these siblings created together," I comment and wait for my father to continue.
"When he came to his senses he reinstated you to Consort and demoted Sio Ji to concubine on account of her having given him a son. Sio Ji swore to him on her childs life that you were only drugged by her and that her brother truly had stolen your heart and that the flaunts of intimacy was he brothers idea but that it takes two to do and that you where happy going along with your new love,"my father says anger boiling over as he recalls the humiliation the Xing family was brought by the treacherous Sio siblings.
"I'm sorry I wasn't more careful father," I say and bow my head in embarrassment and shame. This truly is my fault for being overly confident in my own ability.
"I know it isn't true based on the condition the guards found you in. Many reported sightings of you resisting the advances of Sio Huang have been whispered far and wide and at one of the vast ceremonies he had hosted they forced you to drink something and became very different and followed Sio Huang's every word," my father says with a glint of murderous intent.
"Father I am fine now, don't anger yourself," I say and my father glares at me momentarily but still calms himself.
"Sio Huang made you bear him children and threatened Great Jin with them. Their are nine of them and I don't know if you feel anything for children who helped their father to trap you, he told them you needed medicine to maintain your health, but still they don't hold a glimmer of you in them they have no magic and agree with the practices of Sio Huang," My father says unsure of what I'll say.
"I remember small hands helping to drown me in the disgusting liquid and how cheerful the children were when they successfully got me to drink, I didn't name them or raise them. I only labored them to life. I was attached to them before I remembered everything. I won't say kill them but they are no bargain. The fact that Sio Huang would use them means he doesn't think I have it in me to turn against my creations," I say almost feeling cruel for clarifying. "I only have two children, my beautiful sons," I declare.
"Good. I wouldn't accept those Sio children as part of family even if claimed them," my father says without emotion. "News of your return has spread and Tuoba He Zhen and his concubine wish to take you back to Great Chu what will you do?" my father asks.
"You haven't told me everything. I'll answer you after I have all the pieces you have," I compromise.
"Very well, after the bots saved Tuoba He Zhen he left them in your palace and didn't bother any further with them. I took them back to the Wu Manor and the good for nothing never mentioned them again. After a year Tuoba He Zhen and Sio Ji had another child. He dotes on that woman and her son and daughter. He has taken concubines and then after a while he divorced everyone except you and that Sio Ji," my father says in disgust.
"He tarnished my name, my heart, and my sons. He stained the name of the Royal Family of Chu with that woman but he keeps her and seeks her out to have him children even after the drugs are removed?" I say in disbelief.
I can't comprehend the words I'm hearing. I refuse to accept them either. Who would have thought I would be forced to watch my beloved tortured and that he had to watch me be tortured in the same way. Now we both have unfaceble consequences I used to think. No now I am the one who has no face but He Zhen has found he has plenty to ruin and squander what is left of my face.
"My father I will return to Great Chu if I am given a proper explanation. If there is not a proper explanation then I will stay in Great Jin and learn under your guidance to lead our Empire to a vast bright future," I promise.
We enter the Palace and I take my time to practice some magic with my sons and stabilize my state of being. My determination grows with the strokes of my sword as I teach my sons my set of sword skills. I use the awful events that happened to help keep me on a path that leads to a better future for me and my family.