"I'm back"
The very second, we entered the house, nostalgia hit me harder than a punch in the face. I looked back at our sweet memories through my misty eyes. Every moment we had in this rundown shared house. The same old cream-colored walls we once covered with small notes and doodles to kill seconds of painful boredom. I remember that one stormy day when classes were suspended and we're trapped in the house with no power. And no power means no gadgets, no internet. The wind pounded on our windows, knocking to tell us to keep our noise down. As our laughter and cheers are louder than thunders with our eyes shine brighter than lighting. We continue our artistic competition of unidentifiable portraits as the grey sky could only pour his tears for being ignored by kids busy in fooling around.
The same old kitchen, the home of questionable creations and experiments that we deserved a scolding for. I will not be going to listen to the internet and a stack of random pieces of ham or slabs of meat coated with a bunch of mayo mixed with mustard and hot sauce only to call it a meat cake. The excitement we had skyrocketed up in the clouds of to fall back flat on the rough ground. The taste was horrendous. It was savory, sort of. It was sour, I don't know why. Maybe because of the mayo or the mustard, I don't know. And of course, the kick brought by the generous amount of hot sauce. It burned my tongue and smoke ran out of my ears, killing my taste buds despite it just sat of the fridge for like, what? Four or six hours?! Clearly, none of us are aspiring chefs.
Even the living room that we struggled to keep take-outs and chips from piling up and clean as a bunch of men could. It's really nice to see everything as it was before, from the barely washed curtains to framed faces of people who sought this place as their home are covered in dust, I'm back home.
Back to the place that I tore with my own hands. The fortress of solidarity that I've burned down with flames of envy and malice as my gasoline. Seeing the smiling faces that I blurred out, the voices I muted as whispers of deceit fly out of mouths. Warmth we shared in moments that I've lost as I wrap myself, drown myself in suffocating feelings of what I believed was love.
With the few bags of luggage, we were dropped by our great and mighty guardian to our own devices. Saying he's busy despite how he looks. I mean I do know that you are a watchdog, the eyes and ears, hand and foot of your masters. Must be tiring for you eh…
Yeah, sure. Go do your things away from the house you manage. Don't worry about the kids that were left to your care. Great Daniel, I'll deal with you later…
I already knew he was in contact with those people, but the information I've got from future is still vague. At first, I've thought about confronting Daniel as soon as I could. But the thought that I would see him at hospital as my guardian did not come to my mind, I could only sigh at my own stupidity. I was taken back and was not able to face him. I hate it, the way that kind of information is already slipping out of my hand, felt like a slap. A reminder the things will not always go the it went as before, time travel is complex and butterfly effect can always occur.
"Cole? How do you feel? Are you dizzy?" Dylan asked with worry evident in his eyse, heads growing closer and ears perked up like those of alert dogs.
With a smile I answered. "I feel peachy, why don't we get something to eat? I missed food that I can actually taste. Hospital tortured me with origami flavored food. Colorful but still paper"
"How about pizza? We should also get some wings with it." Jake suggested like a child telling his mom what he wants to eat on his birthday.
"No, he needs actual food not junk food." Michael shutting Jake's suggestion outright.
"How about some burgers and fries then? Burgers are sandwiches." Jake tried again
"Not exactly the healthy ones" Gabriel joined the two.
"the-" Jake persistently suggested or should I say listed names of junk foods that Michael and Gabriel turned down. Similar to siblings of three having a meeting to decide what to eat and the trio are not even asking Dylan and I on what we want to eat and all we could do is watch them until they all agreed with something.
"You don't know how hard it is to be in charge of these dolts." Dylan said with an exasperated sigh as we watch their meeting bounce to different directions.
A cheery yet stern kid with loyalty I don't deserve. Dylan kept his stance and stayed on this house even when everyone slowly left. He turned a blind eye to everything and ate all lies I fed him. For the reasons of…
Sympathy?
Pity?
Taking the bag from me and with puffed cheeks he mutters how I should not do anything but rest. Did I mention that he does a way better job in taking care of us than Daniel? Well, that's Mother-hen Dylan for you.
"Why did you guys did not even visit me? I was lonely..." I said in trailed off, hiding a smile with a frown on my lips.
"See! I told you we should've come!"
A flushed Jake pushed himself away the from pair of joining forces against him, with hands on his waist and he then continues.
"Did Gabriel did ditch you? He often does that to me." Jake, I don't think you should sound proud with that information.
Jake took no one's side and only wished to pick up whatever's left in our broken bonds. From small phone calls to gathering everyone to just talk with each other. The kid who already gave his everything up before, only to be robbed of the last thing he's latching unto. And for the first time he refused to give up. He fought back and tried to mend everything. He tried and tried, until the very end he tried.
Yet, it was already too late.
"Yeah, he did. He was only with me physically but his head was up in cloud with his Aya…"
"Dude, you got it bad." Michael commented before the cherry flushed Gabriel could say anything and could only shrink away.
The one with a firm wall laid out to everyone, Michael always has a cool and blunt disposition. He was an ocean breeze that wraps you in comfort from loneliness you coil inside. He's an impossible bottle, a shipwreck that refuses to be fixed. And Michael chose to set sail away even further than anyone before, a cast-away who chose to leave for his lonely island.
"Cole? Just say anything to me when you need something, ok?" Dylan mumbles to me as he returns from the upstairs.
"I'll be counting on you then."
Aren't I lucky to have such wonderful people by my side?
Why was I such a blind fool?
…
The night soon fell, the moonlight peeks through our window and Gabriel is sound asleep like an infant on the other side of our room. Minutes before the middle of the night, crickets sing their serenades and lures people to sleep. After spending the rest of the day by somewhat catching up with everyone, I was able to gather information yet not enough. I was told that it was only us five that are currently staying in our den, excluding Daniel. As this information confirmed a few ideas of mine on what's the status of everyone's well-being, I was a little bit disappointed. I guess I'll have to be a bit more patient to her again.
Though, I've noticed a little something, everyone did not mention a thing about my accident. Not a single one of them, not even Jake, brought up anything that can give me an idea on what happened. Dylan would always drive the conversation to my health and dote on me needlessly, I appreciate it I really do but I need a clue. Whenever, I'm about to get a little something from Jake, Michael comes to stop Jake on slipping out anything. And Gabriel would brush me off and change our subject, like what he always did when I was staying in the hospital. I don't like it. I really don't like it.
All of them are hiding something connected on the day of my accident and I've got no clue despite having memories of before. After tossing and turning all over my bed and I still can't get of rid that little itch of being left out. Forcing my eyes to close shut only to sprung open filled with uneasiness. It feels like something important has been stripped away from me, something unknown were stolen without my notice. And here I thought I'll get my answers when I came back here, how come I only opened new jars of jitters.
Laying down on my stuffy bed, I let myself sink deeper than the night in thoughts of doubt as I watch the dark ceiling. The lack of light did not help my fear of untold story everyone seems to know, mockery of ignorance, nipping at the back of my head and scratching through my skin.
What is it?
What is it that everyone hides from me?
My fingertips crawled up to my heart that beats against my ribs, trying to break through. Tracing a mark burned into my skin, a nasty seal for the nasty deal I signed up for. A seal that penetrated through my soul, a tag to remind the price that I need to pay. Curling to my sides, I stole a glance to my sleeping roommate defenseless and unaware of my gaze of longing for years. And for that exact for moment, my heart who drums the loudest when I look at you, slowed its pace to a rhythm familiar yet unknown to me.
Ah, you saved me again. Like how you always did, unknowingly and effortless.
I didn't know my heart who always races and rushes to an unreachable beat can play such tune. I like it. It's beat I can listen all day, a tune I can hum to as I walk by. Like how sedative shot to me, the darkness, the thoughts, everything didn't matter. Now, I shower in tranquility given by a deadly drug called love.
Or should I say, foolishness?
Gabriel, I wish I could tell you. All the little things that made me feel waves emotions that even I can't comprehend, and I was helplessly washed away. With your small gestures up to your non-stop chatter about a girl I despised without meeting once, I know I shouldn't like you. I knew it was double edge sword with no handle. A battle meant to hurt everyone without any shadow to spare from the pain. I knew! And yet I selfishly did as I like. I wish I could apologize to you. For the sins I've done behind your back, for the tears I brought to your face,
for loving you.
Biting my lips, my heart did not flutter or pumps faster rather soothing tune turned to flickers of pain. And the darkness proceeds again to swallow me, uninvited thoughts crashed once again, excited to introduce the new friends of pain. Sinking even further into my pillows, I learned that there's not much difference in suffocating in comfort of your blanket and choking with emotions.
I swear, this time, I'll let you go. I won't let you go through all the pain again.
Ha! The irony of letting you when you were never been mine.