my heart is weeping .. crying silently ...begging me to forget a dirty past , a tormented childhood . but I can't .. because my past gave birth to a new me .
" a man is equivalent to a god . " mother told me . "men are rulers . they are Kings and we women are meant to bow to them . to please them heart ,mind ,body and soul ." she repeated Even on her death bed . " find yourself a man .." she ordered in a vicious tone while breathing her last . she didn't bless me , didn't encourage me to be successful in my endeavors , didn't kiss me goodbyes like other mother's . no ! she did non of those things . her last words were ." get yourself a man Lila or you will be alone in this world ."
I stood by her bedside with my little brother Skylar waiting for our mother to show us the love she never gave us . she didn't love us or even want us when she was alive ... maybe now that she is dying she would remember us , we thought . but that didn't happen Lillian Macbeth was too engrossed in writhing in her own grief and loneliness to care. she was too involved in her pain to notice the pain of two children weeping the loss of thier parents . two broken hearts whose mistake was being born , two little filth's the world didn't care about ,two innocent souls wishing for a chance to feel accepted. maybe she did ... but Lillian Macbeth never really cared .
dad was a drunkard , has always been . but unlike many he was a drunkard who lived off his wife and children . he made us beg for him , bow to him , scrape the dust of the earth to put food in his plate. we were more of his slaves than his own family. but mom would never leave him ...a toxic love affair. they were each other's toxic obsession. one was a nag and the other was a drunk . she would harken to his every wish , ignored all his extramarital affairs , fulfill his wicked desires and Even going as far as sleeping with his friends at his request . she thought I don't see it ...the way dad friends look at her . the way they lick thier lips and eye her all over like a courtesan.
my father treated mom like nothing . he used her and used her and used her until there was nothing left of her other than scars , wounds , broken bones and a dying soul. but to her he was her God . a means to escape her lonely dungeon .so she clung to him and lost her self in the process . she held unto him and lost her self esteem and pride . not only that she lost her life . when father eventually left our lives mother had nothing to hold unto . she had no one to comfort her and she slipped into depression until that depression killed her.
even in her hour of death she called my father's name in deep longing . she called the name of a man who never truly loved her ,who made sure she was never happy , who used her body until it had no more use , a man who never came to see her at her death bed.
when I gazed upon her pitiful corpse I didn't feel pity nor any familiar emotion of love . the world cried for me . " who will take care of them ?, who will love them .?, two orphaned children without a place to go . " but I couldn't cry for myself not for my little brother. I stared at her corpse while making a silent promise in my heart ...never again . never again will I let a man into my heart or my life .
on that day I promised myself as well as the whole world that I Lila Macbeth wouldn't let a man use me as my mother was used .
I don't need men and thier fake promises.
mother was given a general burial without anything grand or ceremonious . she was just prayed for and shipped to the earth like she didn't even matter. she was given a casket made from unpolished wood. father had sold out all our properties and ran away so the burden of the burial rested on the church and the health center where she died. they did the best they could .. made sacrifices for a woman they never knew.and even hired professional mourners to cry on that day because nobody was willing to waste tears not even her own children.
after the event everyone left to thier own fate . no one wasted time on two little orphans with nothing to call thier own . no one even cared . the world went about thier normal duty leaving two lonely orphans standing at the cathedral door . we had to carry on our normal life job of begging to eat until we met someone willing to take us in . lend us a helping hand . be our support even though she had nothing.
" I want a refund. " the woman screamed catching the attention of all our customers. " madam please understand . we can't give you a refund . you consumed the meals already but tell me what was wrong with the food and I promise you that next time we will prepare the food according to your taste . " I reassured her again for the sixth time since tonight . and again she wouldn't budge . " are you insane ? I don't want to come back here ever again . there won't be a next time . what type of restaurant serves bland and tasteless meals . the seats are dirty . the tables are untidy and you want me to come back here . are you crazy ? " she said . I closed my eyes and willed my raging heart to calm . I needed this job . every aspect of my life depended on this job . my brother's school fees depended on this job, my foster mom has a weak heart since I can't provide money for the surgery at least I can provide money for the expensive medications the hospitals imposed on her. I have everything to lose if I lose this job . the woman in front of me was very rude . eyes shooting daggers at me . she was overtly dressed with an ugly make up to her face . from her body shape she should be around my age or older than me by a year .
" give me my refund or I will make sure you regret. " she threatened. " madam..." I tried again before a pair of fingers imprinted itself on my face . the force of the slap almost sent me tumbling to the floor. " how dare you " he roared . I looked up to see my boss looking at me with nothing but disdain. " who are you to look at miss Veena in the face . when someone like her talks someone like you is supposed to cower away in fear . how dare you look her in the face and be so disrespectful. I built up this place through my sweat and I won't let someone like you destroy it.miss Veena is a very important part of this establishment . " he said looking away from me.
"now get up and get lost " he order . without blinking , without remorse , like I was nothing . he forgot that I was one of the most loyal worker in this establishment . that I was the one who worked through the late hours of the night for this restaurant. I have dedicated my time , hardwork and everything to make sure that this place was up and running smoothly. he forgot that he promised to promote me for my effort . in the face of money he abandoned me to save his own skin.
he left me to my fate . not once looking back . " sir .." I tried to call out to him . but he was far too gone . greed had overcome his heart that he cared for nothing else other than money .
" get lost . security ! " he screamed at the top of his lungs sounding like an oinking pig.
I laughed . i laughed so hard.a broken girl laughing at the fact that the world managed to break her again. " sir today you have crushed the dream of an orphan girl. " I told him taking my bag and walking away.
away from the only life I knew . that job was my life ...my dream ...my hope . it was all I had . it was what provide for me . what made my life worth living. and today ...my boss like every other man destroyed that dream .
I walked a little bit forward before I turned back and looked at the restaurant. "EL GUSTOO " the name stood proudly on a poster by the door . the place I had spent five years nurturing my broken hearts only to have it dashed today at the sight of money.
the one who broke it was a man. my boss. once again a man ruined me .
but never again . never again.
walking away I cleaned off a stray tear.
the road was lonely . no one walked by . the sun was setting eager to leave a broken girl walking on a lonely road on a sad day. the trees were swaying whispering words of sad comfort . but my heart had stopped listening . my mind was a mess , I was too busy thinking of possibilities . my brother would have to drop out of school because his sister is too hopeless to do anything for him, ma's medication would have to be stopped because her foster daughter has nothing much to provide . those raging thoughts and fierce emotions had me stop walking and break down in tears .
my heart was in pain . clutching unto my broken heart I cried . I cried for myself and what I had become . I cried for my ma and her weak heart that can give up anytime soon . I cried for my Skylar and the bullying he has had to endure . I cried for everything . I cried so hard . I sobbed so much . with noone to comfort me.
I remembered the first time I was introduced to El GUSTO as a worker. I couldn't find money to pay for my college project . in other places men demanded my body in exchange for jobs , but I was nothing like my mother and so I walked out of those offers until I met the boss Jacobi Sandel .I was introduced to him by a friend who saw my desperate need for a job . I told him all of my problems , my inability to pay for college fees , my ma's deteriorating health . I told him all . I begged him . I lowered my pride to him . I crawled on the floor hugging his legs with tears running through down my cheeks in clear desperation . and out of pity he listened . he promised to take my career forward . he had made promises that day . oh how he promised and promised and promised until I became blown away by his promises. his fake and empty promises. he had even promised to pay for my ma's medication himself. but now Jacobi Sandel forgot about those promises .
I chuckled sadly . a pitiful soul sat on the floor laughing at nothing. I must have been a sight to behold.
I sat for hours refusing to budge . I couldn't go back there . no my pride wouldn't let me . but I couldn't go home either . I wouldn't want to see the disappointment on my Skylar's face . the questions in his eyes , the anger .I don't think I can bear it .
I didn't want to let my ma know about this . I fear her heart might give out . I would be traumatized.
so I sat there . not moving . I sat and sat and sat until the sun left me sitting . the sun abandoned me too .
" madam . are you ok . it's dangerous for people to still be roaming around by this time " a voice broke me out of my reverie . out of the little cocoon of my imagination. I looked around . it was late . the moon was shinning so brightly . I looked at the stranger who had called out to me . a man in his early forties I presume . he looked at me with pity. " madam are you hurt ? . are you alright . do you have any where to go . " he asked gently . " home .. alright . yes . I don't know .." I jumble talked . the man shook his head . " look madam . it's not right for a lady to drink . but madam do you Know the address of your house I can drop you . " drunk ? is that how I looked . like a drunkard ? like my father ? .
angrily I tore myself from his gentle hands . " I am not drunk . never ! " I exclaimed angrily walking away from him .
our home was just at the corner and when our little house came into view my bravado left me . my ma sat in front of the house eyes searching the road with tender eagerness.when her eyes met mine a smile spread across her tired lips . I ran .
I ran into her waiting arms . threw myself in her loving embrace . allowed her to comfort me . she stroked my hair an planted kisses to my cheeks . what my birth mother Never did. " you came home too late . my heart couldn't take it anymore . " she explained and I broke down. no more careful. no more guided . I just broke down in tears .in complete tears . soaking her clothes.
" am sorry ma ". I repeated again and again until I felt weak . she sighed and gave me a kiss to my forehead.
" tomorrow is another day . don't you think ? " she asked and I nodded . " cry all you want today . but from tomorrow onwards you will not shed tears anymore . " she said and I nodded again .
she was right . tomorrow was another day . I will start again . I will not cry anymore from tomorrow . Jacobi Sandel had managed to Break my spirit today . he didn't break my will . tomorrow is another day .
a new day ahead.
" urgh" I groaned. I was tired , tired of reading advertisements of job vacancies all night long .this is the twenty-sixth job vacancy advertisement I have read tonight . " RUGEES ELECTRONIC DEALERS " it read . doesn't look like the kind of job for me . I starred it and moved to the next page . HUGGINGS TOY STORE needed a new sales girl . with a face like mine I doubt if anyone would want to buy toys again . if I work there my over smiling face would drive them out of business.
" maybe you should take it easy on yourself . you look like a mess ." mom scolded . picking up torn application letters ." Skylar needs new uniforms this month ma . his old ones are ugly for sight " " I told him to manage the ones he has .money don't fall from the sky . " she said shaking her head in annoyance ."love for that boy would make you over work yourself." she added and she was right .
I sighed . " I promised him the new uniforms . I can't fail him now . " I picked up another newspaper and started marking out all the job vacancies." cariany Mills in need of a cook ." I murmured. I have heard of that place .they last cook they had ran away . apparently they used her services without paying . I won't want to be in her shoes .I skipped.
" I will get you dinner just don't overwork yourself " mom said and I nodded absently . the truth was that I was trying to be enough for this little family of mine . by being the bread winner I can prove that we don't need a man in our lives .
my father used to be a good man.the perfect husband and the perfect father . he used to be my santa Claus ... buying gifts for me taking me out shopping and playing dress up with me . but one day he changed . maybe I didn't notice that he had started changing slowly . that I was losing him until he changed completely and became my worst nightmare.
I still shudder at those memories. I would watch him beat mom up for every little mistake , I would watch him hit her with his belt until she laid on the floor , helpless , broken and bleeding.
my childhood was a mess and so are my memories . I remember always looking through the window and watching young girl of my age play " tag " and make funny eyes to the boys they liked . all those childhood fun and deviance I never enjoyed it. he made sure to Break us and mold us into what he wanted . slaves .
" Lila dinner is here " ma said bringing in a tray of cookies and water . " look at you looking so skinny . no wonder no one wants to employ you . you look like you may faint anytime soon " ma over exaggerated . and stopped blabbing when she noticed my gaze on the tray . " cookies ...I made it this morning " she said guiltily ." mother ! the doctor said no work . " " making cookies is not work . it's passion and besides Skylar did all of the work " she added to defend herself . I became scared of tasting the cookies . Skylar never works . unless he has something to achieve .
" Skylar made them ? ok what does he want again . " I asked . I knew Skylar . and I knew he hated baking .hated working . he has to want something . " nothing much.... just ..." she started .I knew it " just ? " " an addition to his pocket money. " she said looking away. I sighed . taking a bite out of his horrible tasting cookies . it was over salty . tasted horrible . like sand mixed with salt . but I ate it anyway . " when I get the job . I would make sure to add an addition to his pocket money. " I said pushing the tray away . ma smiled with gee like she was the one benefitting from the addition ." I will pray for you . you will get a job tomorrow " she said and hurriedly packed up the tray of cookies in case I changed my mind.
" but for making those disgusting things and wasting the ingredients I will subtract from the next pocket money I am going to give him . those ingredients costs a lot of money . " I said in a strict tone . something told me that Skylar was eaves dropping on our conversation and I had to make sure he heard . I was the bread winner here . and I will run this house hold how I please .
ma's smile faded from her face . " yes .I will let him know . good night " " good night ma " I said . going back to reading advertisements.
" ESSENCE WINERY" in need of workers ? why would they need workers . every one wanted to work there . infact they don't need to put up vacancy advertisements on newspaper . that was where every one wanted to work . it was the biggest winery establishment in probably the world . the best and most expensive wines were made there .
every one's dream job . I starred it . tomorrow I would try it . I wasn't sure if they would accept me but I knew I had to get a job tomorrow . hook and crook .
Tomorrow was my new beginning . a new beginning indeed.
I closed my eyes and let sleep take over.