Manuel stares at the photo on the computer screen like a psychopath,
"So this is what the wife of Hades looks like."
I cannot believe my eyes. A beautiful graceful blonde smiles playfully into the camera next to that fugly monster.
There are two reasons why they are together:
Money
Money
MONEY!!!
"We need reinforcement", I say.
Manuel snaps his fingers, "No problem! We have Angela, Julius Plato S., Emo Ute..."
"And ice block. Diablo could freeze the wife of the anti-burrito dwarf with his icy aura."
"I'm going to recruit my cousins."
That actually doesn't sound like a stupid plan.
"I'll round everyone up.", I grin and for the first time in forever I feel something that could be described as "hope".
About 30 minutes later, the entire crew has gathered in Manuel's burrito cave.
"Oh, there's a dead hamster lol."
I lose my faith in humanity.
"All living beings are doomed to death's scythe. We are namely prisoners of this fate and slaves to our instincts. And as we lose sight of our finality, we begin to crave more and more worldly resources such as food and other pleasures and forget the true meaning of our lives. We want to fulfill the duty of producing offspring like our animal counterparts instead, only to disappear into posterity in the end stuck in our foolish self-righteousness, believing we have taught our children the 'right' values. But he who brings virtue also brings vice.
Exactly because of those values, however, there's an even greater burden for man to bear.
Moral thinking and understanding distinguishes us from the animals. We became smart, but also more arrogant because of our intelligence. Unfortunately, wisdom is exactly man's fatal flaw, which Christian theologians call 'original sin'. Our wisdom leads to the fact that death is felt as something unnatural. We become afraid of the fading of the self by the complete extinction and annihilation of the mortal body and see the 'new birth' in the ether not as redemption from the body, but damnation, because we are afraid of the uncertainty of non-existence. We should seek to reduce ourselves to nothing to numb the vice we brought upon this world. As we were born from nothing, we shall return to nothing.", Emo Ute says.
My faith is no longer lost, but hung on the gallows, shot, chased under the combine, burned and reduced to atoms, then on its ashes Manuel danced Macarena three times in the tune of the Super Mario Theme.
"Kate?"
I stare at the wall, mind numb, and subject myself to these depressing thoughts.
"How do you want to make her go away.", the wood log asks in such a monotone voice that I didn't notice that it was a question at first.
"Ist doch klar!", beginnt das VSCO girl.
"Isn't it obvious?", the VSCO girl begins. I hope she'll choke on her bubble tea in her hydro flasksksks.
"We take her beauty away! Then he's gonna throw her away like a plastic straw!", she gleams.
Manuel draws his brows together, "And how do you want to do that?"
"Yo, scallywags, we'll jus' loot off her make-up!", Julius Plato S. says. "Arrrr.", he adds.
"What a dumb idea!", I protest, "I know how. We'll send her to a very special hair stylist who'll ruin her hair!"
For a few seconds, silence lingered in the round.
"Arrr, me spouse be a hairdresser." The old man again. "She earns somethin' like that on top o' her pension. I'll tell her wha' we be up t'."
"Great, and how are we going to reel her in?" Manuel asks skeptically.
"With a voucher!", Angela Merle sings.
Emo Ute begins to tremble,
"Diablo. I have to confess something to you."
She takes a deep breath and chokes.
After a coughing fit and a brief respite, she has regained her voice. The foolish thing, however, is that she now sounds like a drug-addicted pubescent eighth grader, just like Manuel.
She inhales deeply,
"At which hour thee taint'd mine own heart with sweetness, t'was a slippery slope,
oh, woe, I am in love with a knave from the grove.
mine own second wing, mine own ladybird,
I wast not a blinking idiot f'r passion,
anon t's thee I am wanting.
Would thee beest mine? Would thee beest mine tonight?
Couldst beest kissing mine own fruit punch lips in the bright sunshine
for I like thee quite a lot, everything thee did get, thee not knoweth?
T's thee yond i adore, though i maketh the boys falleth like dominoes."
"Ok.", he answers.
I start scratching my head.
"What's the second step?", I can feel the excitement rising up inside me.
"When we have taken away her beauty, we have to take the anti-burrito guy's job next."
A creepy grin begins to form on Manuel's face. He looks like the dead hamster.
"With the hamster corpse!", Mrs. Tomie suddenly appears.
"Mrs. Tomie?! Go away! You are not plot-relevant and do not appear in this arc!", I shout indignantly. I didn't even invite her.
I sigh and continue, "My idea is, we have to find his favorite restaurant which he also inspected and have the hamster show up there. When authorities find out that he basically lied about the authenticity of the food, he'll lose his job."
I have to admit, I didn't think it through. Whatever.
"And how are you going to find out his favorite restaurant?" Asks Ms. Tomie.
"I told you to get lost!"
"It says so on Facebook, Chinese.", Manuel replies and points to the photo of him in a chic asian restaurant on the computer screen.
"Alright, then let's do it that way."