"I wish I could..." What a sad phrase. I wish I could have known. I wish I could go back in time and save him, I mean, he saved me, why couldn't I save him? He should have told me, I told him everything! Why didn't he tell me? How didn't I know? I missed all the signs. I'm so stupid, I should have known. I thought he was joking, I mean he seemed so happy and healthy. I see Brennan lying there, tubes and wires attached to him showing me the truth, he was not "okay", he was not "just tired", it wasn't "nothing". It hurts me thinking he didn't trust me, thinking I wasn't enough, all the good to come wasn't enough to convince him not to attempt. He was in so much pain, he couldn't wait to see what his life was going to be. He didn't understand how deeply I felt for him. I loved him. I love you.
"I love you!" I yell at him. I fall apart. I fall to the floor, sobbing, "I love you, Brennan. I love you. I love-"
I look at him deeply and I flashback to that night, I remember how tired he looked when I ran to his home. I remember looking at him through all the tears asking him for help, explaining how I couldn't get out of the deep darkness in my mind, about how I was being suffocated by the darkness, about how I couldn't be alone because I didn't trust myself to not do something I would regret. He invited me inside. We sat down and just talked and when we weren't talking, ignoring everything and watching each other. We sat for a long time just being there for each other.
I can't say I didn't know, he was different, changed but I was too focused on myself to notice anything was going on with him. I should have known. I should have been there for him. He needed it. He needed me. He needed me more than I needed him. I shouldn't have been so stubborn and self-centered.
We sat for a long time just sitting when he looked over at me and said "I'm going to go use the restroom, I'm so sorry. I wish you the best of luck." He continued saying "I love you. Please stay safe. I'm so sorry." I didn't think anything of it, I mean, I just thought he was trying to be nice and keep me safe.
He was so strong. He was the strongest person I knew. He was always trying to make me laugh but that night, that night, that night, he was very serious. He didn't make any jokes. He never made me laugh. How didn't I know?! I'm so stupid!
He was gone for so long, I started to get worried so I went to check on him. I said, "Hey, are you okay?" -No response.- I ask again, "Brennan are you okay?" -again, no response- I'm starting to panic now, "Brennan, this isn't funny, please answer me" -still, no response- I open the door to check on him and I see a lake of red, dark red encasing Brennan and a deep laceration tracing his veins on his wrists. I scream, "Brennan, why would you do something like this to me?!? I can't do this alone. I need you" I call 911 and they rush over. They tell me that he's still alive but just hanging on and that they'll do anything they could to try to save him. They rushed him to the hospital and attached thousands of tubes and wires to his body, the machines beeping rhythmically. Any other situation, the metronomic sound would calm me down, but now, with my best friend in the hospital, just barely hanging on, I can't relax. The beeping speeds up, 100, 115, 130, 145, then an instrument lets out a long squeal telling me, he succeeded. He was successful. I would never talk to him again.
After the funeral, I went home and pulled out my blade and went to cut my wrists so I could join Brennan but mid-cut, one of his favorite sweatshirts catches my eye. It's one of those super soft sweatshirts with the fleece inside. I grab the velvety sweatshirt and scrunch it up in my hands. I pull the sweatshirt to my chest. A river of tears starts pouring out of my eyes, where did all those tears even come from? After about an hour passes, I can finally collect myself again. I plop the sweatshirt on and I feel something in the pocket, it's a note from Brennan. The note has been washed so I can barely read it. The note reads:
Dear Nora,
I'm so sorry I have to go. Please keep going on for me. You don't deserve all this pain in your heart. You are so much stronger than I was. I love you and I know you love me. Thank you for being there for me in my best and my worst, I don't deserve it. Please don't blame yourself for what happened to me, you did everything you could do.
Love,
Brennan.
I keep thinking about the note and the last things the note said to me, "please keep going for me" and "I love you". I open the door and say, "I'll keep going for you". I walk out the door head held high for the first time since he died. I mutter a simple "I love you too".