Thursday
Jason McKenley
Push and pull, push and pull, am I a fool? Tug of war, came this far, just for a pesky scar. Try and try, try and try, just for a night to cry. Two vowels, two consonants, four letters. Wet towels, antidepressants, no answers. I'm tired of all the prayers. I had you first, yet I'm the worst. Please cleanse my thirst. My thirst that hopes for your love to burst - on me, your fucking best friend: McKenley. I just want to forfeit, but I can't even move my feet - away from you. I feel numb, and I'm so dumb for trying not to succumb. When I think about your name, my love for you is still the same. Yet, it's all just a game. What a shame, who am I gonna blame? Please end this pain, this endless rain. This ache that I can no longer contain, it's driving me insane. I don't want you to go, but please let me go. This hurts like hell, I couldn't even tell. So if you were ever to read this, just ignore it too. Just like what you always do.
Here I go again with this weird, stupid writings in my diary. I know it sounds crazy, but I just love writing something in my diary. Kinda cringe, but yeah - my whole life is also cringy so.
I write stuff like this when I feel like it, though I mostly write summaries of the things that happened on the day that I just had. I know it's weird for a guy to have a thing like this but, it just makes me happy.
It's our exam tomorrow and I didn't even study. Well, I never did. I'm just here, staring at my fucking diary, talking to myself, overthinking stuff, writing nonsense.
KNOCK! KNOCK!
"McKenley?" I heard someone called outside.
I have no idea who would it be and it's almost dusk already. I peeked through the window of my room and saw Alissa on our doorstep. I quickly hid my diary and went outside my room to get the door open.
I opened the door halfway "Hey. What are...you doing here?" then I raised one eyebrow.
I looked at her outfit and she's currently wearing a peach, short and fitted dress. I kinda wondered what is up and where has she been.
"I just came by, is it a bad time?" she said with her both hands clasped together and tried to peek inside lowkey.
"No, not really. Come in." then I opened the door and let her come inside.
She doesn't really come here that often, well it's not her first either. She hasn't even met my dad personally since he's always out during the day despite her going here plenty of times before. We spent a lot of days here together; but only best friend things, clearly. We studied here, watched a movie, and we hang out most of the time, before... Before I confessed to her...
FLASHBACK - Jason McKenley
"Is your dad coming home tonight?" she asked then reached her tumbler and took a sip.
I reached my hand to grab some popcorn and replied "I don't think so, he's supposed to be here by now if he's coming home tonight."
"Oh...okay."
And there goes the awkward silence. We just continued watching the movie.
"Alissa?" then I looked at her.
"Shush, Jason. I cannot miss this part." she glared at me then took another sip and placed her tumbler on the table.
I could tell that she loves movies so badly as she'll definitely get mad if she ever misses a single word like she'll be missing out entirely on what she's watching. So I had no choice but to stay quiet and wait for it to end, and then tell her what I was thinking about the past few days. Well, I've been feeling this for months now, it just took way too long for me to understand what it really is. Because I don't really know what it is. Because, isn't it weird to - fall for your best friend? I mean it's not that big of a deal but, our case's different. We're like one step closer to being siblings. Literally, almost everyone in the school thought that we're actual siblings because we're so close to each other and we kinda treat each other that way. I don't really know what to do. I haven't been in a relationship before and I don't know how to confess to a girl and convince her that I love her, for real. That's why some people thought about me as "gay" though I'm clearly and certainly not but... I don't know, I literally have no clue what to do right now. But I know that I have to do this. To let it all out, and see how it turns out. Because, who knows? Maybe we're feeling the same thing? And we can work it out?
An hour later, the movie came to an end and the credits rolled down already.
"Oh my gosh, that was a good one..." she said as she fans her eyes with both her hands, trying not to cry.
"I never thought that - that she'll let go of the man she loves just for what her sister wants for her. It's true that family literally comes first, huh?" she added then wiped her tears with her finger and took her tumbler again to take a sip.
"I don't know, we're both only-child, right? So I don't really relate that much to the sibling part but, for family, yes they do come first."
"Well, technically speaking, I'm not an only child." then she took another sip.
"Yeah, but you know, kind of... Nevermind." then I ate a popcorn.
"So what do we do now, McKenley?" she asked while on her phone.
"Uhhh..." then I sat straight with my hands clasped on each knee. "There's something I wanna tell you..."
"Oh, really?" then she laughed.
"Why are you laughing?"
"Cause your face looks so weird right now. Looks like you're in...you know. Two consonants, two vowels, four letters." she air quoted then took another sip.
"What the hell do you mean?" I'm literally so clueless right now.
"L. O. V. E." she drew every word with her index finger.
I shrugged "Yeah? Maybe." I looked at her.
She moved her head back in surprise "W-whaaaat? Really?" then she laughed again. "Everyone! McKenley's in love with someone!" she screamed inside the house like she's making an announcement.
"You are crazy... I hope you know that." then I looked away.
"Nada Nada," she said then waved her index finger. She then points at me "You, you are crazy because you are - in...love." then drew a heart with her two index fingers and laughed.
What's up with her today? She acts like she's kind of drunk. Or maybe because she doesn't believe me?
"I'm being serious right now..."
"Awww... McKenley? Serious? Nahhh, the two don't fit." then she laid her head on the couch and laughed again.
"What are you drinking, by the way?" then I stared at her suspiciously.
She then grabbed her tumbler "This? It's just water, dummy." then she hid it in her arms.
"Oh? Really? Who the hell sips water bit by bit?" I sarcastically said.
I quickly grabbed her tumbler from her then opened the lid.
"Hey! That's mine!" she said as she attempted to get it back but I stood up and took it away.
Right after removing the lid, I could already smell what's inside the tumbler and it smelled like wine. Red wine to be exact.
"What the hell is this? Liss? When did you ever like drinking this? What if your parents finds out?" I confronted her.
"You're overreacting so much Jay. It's just wine, red wine. It's basically grape juice." then she laid on the couch.
"Oh, cool. Look what grape juice did to you. No wonder why you're acting like that." I facepalmed and placed her tumbler on the dining table. "Jeez, it's almost empty."
"What are you gonna do? Tell my parents that I drank some grape juice?" she said sarcastically.
"What???"
"You're so annoying." she said while looking at the ceiling.
"Am I?" I said sarcastically.
"Yeah, you're such a brat. I don't wanna be friends with you anymore."
"Oh, good. Me too." then I smirked.
I don't wanna be friends anymore, I want to be more than just friends with you. Ugh! Only if I could say that already...
"You wanna tell me something right? Go ahead, I'm all ears."
Now I don't know how I'm supposed to tell her, especially at her condition right now. I thought about something and went into my room. I grabbed a piece of paper and wrote "I love you." Well, looks like I'm gonna do it the old-fashioned way.
I went out of my room and she's still laying on the couch, almost falling asleep. I approached her and I was thinking about putting the paper inside her bag so that she'll find it tomorrow when she's no longer drunk. I then folded the paper and put it inside her bag and -
"Hey! W-what are you doing?? What is that?" she sat on the couch and took the paper out of her bag. "What's this?"
She read the note then burst into laughter "What? You love me? No way..." then she put the paper in her pocket and laid her head. "Don't worry McKenley, I love you too..." she said with her eyes closed then yawned. "I always did."
I just sat there, confused as hell. I never thought that we actually feel the same way. It feels good but in some way, I feel guilty. I feel like I've taken advantage of her being drunk. I drove her home after that. Luckily, her parents weren't mad at her at all. They're even grateful that nothing bad happened to their daughter.
As if I'll do something to her.
The day after that, she went to my classroom and said that she wanted to talk somewhere private. We walked to the side of my room building which is beside the mini forest. I could feel her frustration as we were walking. She stopped then leaned on the wall.
"What's the meaning of this? McKenley?" she asked as she showed me the piece of paper that has "I love you." written on it. "That is clearly your handwriting, isn't it?"
"Answer me!" she shouted.
"Okay, okay fine," I said then raised both my hands. "Yes, it's from me. I admit it."
She then facepalmed as she crouched then took a deep breath.
"Ugh, frick." after a few seconds, she stood up. She sighed as she looked at me "I can't Jason. I care about my best friend's feelings. I can't do this, you can't do this." then she handed me the piece of paper and is about to leave.
I suddenly remembered what she said, "I love you too... I always did."
"But-"
"What do you mean but?" she cut me off then dropped her bag. "Do you know what situation we're in? Do you realize how much trouble you're gonna cause? What if Jessica finds out?" she said as she pointed at me.
"Aww, don't worry... Jessica will definitely find out your dirty little secrets." Jessica then suddenly came out from nowhere.
"Jess-"
"Don't you Jess-Jess me?" Jessica crossed her arms. "I knew it. I knew from the start that I could not trust a girl like you." Jessica said as she walked towards Alissa.
"Are you being serious right now?" Alissa said as she put her hand on her chest. "Are you for real? And why in the world are you talking to me like it's my fault?"
"Because it is your fault! I told you to stay away from him!"
"How?! Like it's so freaking easy?? You don't know that we are actually friends, or best friends rather. Why do we even have to limit ourselves just for you? You aren't even that special, to be honest. Just look at what you're doing right now. I knew that you are actually faking me but I just didn't mind because maybe I'm wrong. I just let you, because then I could say that I have a friend, my only friend. But that's what I thought. I sometimes ask myself why do I even have to do certain things to people who don't actually value me as much as I value them? And yeah, thanks. It is true. You don't really know someone until you start hating each other. So this is what you truly are, your true imbecile colors." she then grabbed her bag. "You want him right? Suck him right into your mouth since you are actually a snake. Eat him whole, asshole." then she already walked away hurriedly.
Is this actually my fault? I guess.
Jessica was left speechless. She just glared at me for a second then also left. I just stood there, realizing what I've done.
END OF FLASHBACK
She sat on the couch and I sat on the stool. Then she stared at me for a second.
"Oh yeah. I came here to uhh..." she then looked down. "This is a bit awkward - and embarrassing for me but..." she sighed "Will you be my prom date?" she asked as she looked at me in the eye, trying to convince me.
Yeah, I completely forgot about that. Since I also don't have any reason to go, like seriously.
"Just this once, please. I told mom that I am coming and she immediately bought a gown for me, I don't wanna let her down and I also don't wanna go there without a partner, I'll just embarrass myself." she said as she pleaded.
I've known her for years so I could actually read her mind at this point. If it wasn't for her mom, she's not here right now begging me to be her partner.
"Fine. It's not like I have any other choice. I'll go."
"Yay!" she then jumped for joy then hugged me.
It felt good, but it hurts.
That's kind of annoying for me because I still have feelings for her but she acts like she's not aware of it. It's really hard to move on if the person you like is really close to you.
"So, I'll see you at prom night?" I said then scratched my nape.
"Yeah, that's all I came here for."
Obviously...
"I gotta go now, thank you, Jason." she added.
Then I walked her to the door and opened it for her, then she waved at me as she walked out. She literally takes me for granted at this point but, I am okay with it.