For the second time in the space of a year, I found myself attending yet another friend's funeral.
My heart was torn. Pang Zi and Jin Bai He were both so young…they had their entire lives ahead of them. Yet, those lives were cruelly snatched away from them, abruptly cut short because of the whims of cold, uncaring gods.
Jin Bai He's portrait was adorned lavishly in front of her coffin. Her family spared no expense, though luxurious decor was still no balm for grief. I could see her mother sobbing hysterically at the front row, her father wrapping an arm around her shoulders.
Neither of them knew the mysterious circumstances of their daughter's death. And God willing, they would never know.
I couldn't bring myself to tell them. How could I? What was I supposed to tell them? Their daughter had regained memories of another life and became a demonic cultivator? That she was responsible for the deaths and comas of so many other girls?
Girls who were beginning to wake up from their comas. I didn't know if they had recovered their vitality over an extended period of time or if their miraculous recuperation was related to the demise of their assailant, but I didn't care. That was the one bright spot in this period of tragedy.
Inwardly, my mind was a mess. I failed to save a friend again. Once again, I had witnessed a friend dying in front of me.
"It's not your fault," Na Lan Yan Ran had told me. "She was already doomed from the start, the moment she began absorbing the yin qi essence from other girls. There was absolutely nothing you could have done to save her. Your actions were that of mercy. She's grateful to you."
Grateful? How?
When I looked at how much Jin Bai He's parents grieved, I saw no cause for gratitude. It was worse when I caught sight of the girls from my class.
Especially Shi Xiao Nian.
Unlike Mrs. Jin, who was openly wailing loudly and uncontrollably, Shi Xiao Nian was silently blank. She looked dazed, as if she still couldn't believe what had happened. Shock, most likely. But that didn't inure her from grief. Tear streaks were visible on her face and her eyes were red and puffy, swollen after hours of crying.
I closed my eyes, remembering Jin Bai He's final request. I had vowed to fulfil them, but seeing Shi Xiao Nian right now. I didn't have the heart to tell her.
How could I? This wasn't the most appropriate time to tell her that her deceased best friend had been in love with her. What would that achieve, other than breaking her heart further?
Jin Bai He had just burdened me with an impossible mission.
I closed my eyes, unable to suppress the maelstrom of chaotic emotions inside me. I hated funerals. I hated the somber atmosphere, the heavy grief, the gloom.
More than anything, I hated my helplessness. I hated the loss of my friends…and how their deaths seemed so…cruel. So…meaningless.
What was the point of being born into this world, just to have their lives cut short so cruelly, before they could achieve anything? Before they could live their lives to the fullest?
If this was the case, then wasn't it better not to have been born into this world at all?
Having spent so much time with my friends, I had forgotten about how cruel this world was.
And now I had to deal with this tremendous pain…this overwhelming grief.
Fuck!
I wanted to hit something. I was clenching my fists so tightly that my nails dug deeply into my palms, drawing a little blood. I could taste something metallic in my mouth, my teeth having ruthlessly bitten into the soft flesh of my lips.
It was all I could do to prevent my qi from going out of control. Taking deep breaths, I forced myself to calm down and keep my power in check.
What was the use of cultivating all this power…all of this strength, only to fail again and again? What was the use of training and obtaining strength when I was helpless to see my friends die in front of me? What was the point of growing stronger when I couldn't use any of my techniques to save my friends?
And I was supposed to be some hero in the future? A big shot who led the resistance? No way in hell. That wasn't possible. All I did was see my friends die in front of me. Again and again.
I was nothing but a failure. Kai Li Si was wrong. He had to be wrong. How could a loser like me lead the resistance against the demonic sects? How was someone as weak and pathetic as me able to rise to the top and take over as the leader of a sect?
Was he trolling me? Were the heavens making fun of me? Why? Did they find this whole thing amusing? Fuck them.
I sighed and buried my face in my hands, taking care to take off my glasses before I did so. I still didn't have a firm handle on my emotions. Honestly, I wanted to be in any place but here. I wanted to bawl my eyes out.
There is no such thing as a life without setbacks.
Unbidden, those words came to my mind. I didn't know who said them. Perhaps I read the quote from a book somewhere. It didn't matter. All I needed to remember was the intent behind that message, the meaning. The sentiment.
There was no one in this world who never failed. Perhaps amateur authors loved to hype up their protagonists, give them plot armor and preferential treatment, writing long, epic sagas of invincible heroes who never lost a battle, not even once…who got all the girls while at it.
But such people didn't exist in reality. Real people stumbled. Real people fell.
And real people got up again. They continued walking, no matter how many times they tripped over.
"That's right."
I exhaled wearily. I couldn't stop here. I couldn't just give up and lie on the ground, blaming the heavens, blaming everything for my failure. If I fell over, then I had the obligation to pull myself together, stand back up and keep going.
There was no road without hardships, no paths without obstacles, and no routes without setbacks. For every success, I would have to experience countless failures in order to reach that final destination I desired. I couldn't stop here. I had to keep moving, not just for myself and the living, but also for those who had already passed on. They had sacrificed so much for the living, and we would be letting them down if we gave up over every tragedy.
Taking a deep breath, I closed my eyes and wiped away the tears that leaked out. Right now, I didn't care if anyone saw me crying. I had more important matters on my mind. But for now, I should focus on the present.
"I can't believe it."
Beside me, Tong Xue murmured. He joined me at the back row, plopping down on the chair and sighing wearily.
"Jin Bai He? How…? She was so strong…so tough! She can kick any guy's ass! She just won the taekwondo tournament too…how is she…gone…?"
"I don't know." Ban Zhang was a couple of seats away, also looking like he was in shock. "I…it's like I still haven't digested the facts yet. It doesn't feel real."
"Yeah. I know what you mean."
A few days ago, I had just seen Jin Bai He. And when I traded blows with her…when we sparred, she felt so alive. Even though my life was in danger, I never actually thought I would die. Nor did I think I would actually kill her.
Until the very end, I believed that I would be able to pull something off, just like the hero of a web comic or novel. Find a way to save her…to exorcize the memories from her mind.
To think that Jin Bai He was the reincarnation of a demonic cultivator from the Celestial Realm. One who was sent back through time and space to assassinate me…it was mindboggling. I refused to accept that.
Reality, however, didn't care what I accepted or rejected. It just imposed its cruel laws upon me.
"First, it was Pang Zi. Now…Jin Bai He…in the same year"
Tong Xue forced a laugh and he looked away uncomfortably. He twiddled his thumbs anxiously and muttered under his breath.
"It's almost like our class is cursed or something. I hope nobody else…meets with such a tragic end."
"Oi." Ban Zhang glared at him. "Don't make jokes like that."
"Ah…! Sorry, I didn't mean to…"
"It's okay." Ban Zhang sighed. "We're all on edge now. We have to be more careful and look after ourselves more."
He glanced at me and Tong Xue.
"We should look out for each other. Not just us, but the whole class too. We're going to survive this, survive the Gao Kao and do well together."
He turned his solemn gaze to Jin Bai He's portrait.
"I'm sure it's what Classmate Jin Bai He would have wanted."
"Y…yeah." Tong Xue nodded. "We have to do our best for her too. We will bear Jin Bai He's part too! I'm sure she'll kick our asses if we waste too much time mourning."
Ban Zhang chuckled in a low voice. "She definitely will."
While my two friends bantered good-naturedly, my attention was dawn once more to Shi Xiao Nian. Jin Bai He's words continued to echo throughout my head.
Take good care of her.
I found myself wandering over to Shi Xiao Nian. Right now, she was still surrounded by the other girls, but I couldn't help reaching out to her. To my surprise, when she lifted her head and spotted me approaching, she rose from her seat and met me on her own accord.
"Yesterday…I had a weird dream," she confided to me. She stole a peek at Jin Bai He's portrait. "I don't know if it was a dream…but Bai He visited me to say goodbye."
"She did?" I wasn't sure if we could put much stock into such dreams. They were often the products of the subconscious, after all.
"Yeah." Shi Xiao Nian nodded and looked down. "She said it might be awkward for you to pass the message to me, so she decided to deliver it in person."
For a moment, I froze. I had a feeling that I knew what that message was. Seeing the expression on my face, it appeared that something clicked for Shi Xiao Nian and she continued.
"She told me that she loved me." She held back a sob. "But she told me to…move on and find someone else. To be happy."
Shi Xiao Nian lowered her head and wiped the tears from her eyes.
"I…I think I have always known…but I took our friendship for granted. Now that Bai He is gone, I finally realize that I love her too."
"I think she's talking about a different kind of love…" I began, but Shi Xiao Nian shook her head.
"I know exactly what kind of love she was talking about. Not just love between friends or sisters, but something beyond that. I understand what Bai He was referring to."
Nodding, I remained silent. Shi Xiao Nian watched me awkwardly, and forced a smile.
"Sorry…I don't know why I'm telling you all this. Maybe it's because Bai He mentioned you in my dream. Stupid, right? I know it's just a dream, but even so…"
"It's not just a dream," I told her. "I think Jin Bai He loves you so much she wanted to send you a final farewell."
Shi Xiao Nian blinked in surprise and stared at me in wonder. She took a deep breath and nodded.
"I would like to believe so," she said quietly. "But…it still doesn't register to me that she's gone. Bai He always seemed invincible, you know? So full of life…so tough. I never thought she would leave like this. I still can't…"
She buried her face in her hands. I watched awkwardly, and then offered her tissue that I had in my pockets. Catching sight of Shi Xiao Nian's anguish, the rest of our female classmates hurried over to comfort her.
Feeling out of place, I stepped away, but I continued to watch them from afar. I had made a promise, after all, and I intended to keep it.
But…Jin Bai He, you had really given me quite the impossible task…there was no way I could replace you…no way I could take over your role and stay by Shi Xiao Nian's side like you did…