The question is, what color will everything be at that moment when I come for you? What will the sky be saying"?
-The Book Thief
Before the Funeral
I was grieving. I mean the love of my life died. What am I supposed to do? Go around and have a parade. That just isn't me. In his will, he left me his dog. I figured he would've given her to Toni. He was always excited talking about her, J.
Speaking of, I don't even like animals, especially dogs. So, as you can see this turned out perfectly like how I planned. Reality check no. I wasn't into the idea of getting a dog at first. Max practically had to convince me. I didn't even know he brought her home, and of course he won me over with his brilliant smile, and charming personality.
This couldn't be the worst timing ever. Max dies and now I am stuck taking care of her. I was already looking into finding her a new home. I know Max is frowning on me. He should've picked someone else for the job.
Toni probably would've done a better job than me. J was already attached to me though, she was used to me, and Max too. It would be mean and rude. At the same time, when I look at her, all I see is Max.
There are multiple reasons as to why I shouldn't keep J. For one I am not an animal person. I was only even convinced because of Max, without him I would've never said yes to begin with. For two, I can't have any animals. It's just something I always promised myself not to do.
For three I am a busy person so if I did want a dog I couldn't take care of it. I have my reasons. I am a little disappointed that she won't have a real home soon. I know that sounds really bad, but I just can't take care of her. Wait, I might have a solution. Toni could move in with me. It would make sense, right. She could take care of J while I worked.
In the beginning, when I first met J, she was really annoying me. I would be in the middle of an assignment and she would want me to play with her. She started to get annoyed back at me. We would sit there and literally argue with one and another.
That sounds crazy, arguing with a dog right., but no it isn't. She would bark at me, and I would argue with her right back. It would end with both of us giving each other the silent treatment.
Eventually, I got tired and she got tired. We just went about our lives. She walked around moping. She was upset, we both didn't have time to grieve yet.
Later that night, J crawled in bed with me. I felt her slow heartbeat. I knew she was still grieving too. The best thing I could do for her now is to at least show her some love. At least give her back some of the love she lost. We both slept soundlessly that night.
I knew she would be a responsibility but Max wanted me to have her for some reason. I didn't want to disappoint him any more than I already had. The next couple of days repeated.
For once in my life, I cried. Max was my lover. I will always love him. This hurt was different. My heart burst into tears. I knew what I had to do.
After the Funeral
We finally laid Max to rest in the cemetery. The cars were driving off, the only ones left were me and his mom, Toni. There was also an older gentleman in the back. His light eyes reminded me of Max's. Everything reminded me of Max these days.
She had balled her eyes out the entire ceremony. I couldn't blame her though, no mother could stand it. That was her baby. Me, on the other hand, was busy. I was trying to be strong for Toni. So, I didn't cry, I haven't, not since we found out. Toni hasn't stopped crying, I was afraid I would have to take her to the hospital.
Toni was the only parent Max had known his whole life. Max's father had left when he was six years old. She raised Max all on her own. Toni didn't want to tell his father that he had passed away, nor have him show up to his funeral. I held her through the entire ceremony.
She would squeeze my hand, and just look at his casket. I could barely even look at the flowers displayed across it. My own hands were shaking, Toni couldn't tell the difference between her shaking or mine.
J sat there, in both of our laps. She watched the minister do his routine. We were all tired. I was exhausted, and I knew that Toni was exhausted. She was going to need a place to crash for a while. I didn't think she had it in her to be alone at the moment.
At first, I didn't mean to invite her to sort of move in. Okay, fine, I literally told her to move into our house. It just felt empty without having Max there. Of course, J was exhausted. It was like a part of her died too. I mean, I guess it did, Max was her other half too.
We headed home. The lights were turned off and it was dark. I fumbled around and turned on the lights. Toni sat in the living room. She flipped on the tv and was switching between channels.
I headed to the extra bedroom. It was a mess. I mean we never really used it before. I remade the bed, and cleared some things off the dresser. Hopefully that will do for the night.I will have to clean it better tomorrow.
I went back into the living room and sat beside her. J jumped onto the couch with us, and laid her head across Toni's lap. We sat there and just watched tv. Nobody said anything at all. There wasn't anything that needed to be said either.
We just stayed in that moment. Realizing and processing the funeral. At that moment, it was quiet and peaceful. We laid Max to rest today. My mind still couldn't process them lifting up the casket, and slowly lowering it into the ground.
I headed into my room, J following in behind me. She jumped up on his spot, curled up and laid there. I took off my necklace. I placed it on the jewelry box. I glanced over it, and saw the engagement ring. My heart broke at the thought of what could have been.
I picked it up and twirled it around my fingers. I slid it onto my ring finger, and held it away from my face. It was beautiful.
"You know I told him to just use mine." Toni said from across the room.
She was leaning against the doorframe. J looked up from her spot on the bed.
"I thought you were heading to bed?" I asked quietly, sliding the ring off and setting it back in the jewelry box.
"I can't sleep." She said furrowing her eyebrows together. She started walking and sat down on the edge of the bed.
"Me neither," I replied, shrugging my shoulders, and making my way over to the bed too.
"Well I guess I should let you get some sleep." Toni said, standing up and wiping her pants. She petted J for a moment and walked out.
"Goodnight," I called after her.
She left and it was time to go to sleep. I curled up in bed with J beside me. For some time now, I finally found it easier to sleep tonight. I hope tomorrow might be better, but with grief you never know. It would never get better, just easier.
I woke up early in the morning. I just rolled right out of bed. There was no procrastinating. I just couldn't sleep. At all. It was getting frustrating. I put on the coffee. It was too early to deal with anything. After the coffee was finished, I poured myself a cup. I went out to the patio.
I sat there and watched as the sun rose. It was quite beautiful. I closed my eyes and sunk in the morning glow. I heard footsteps and glanced down. It was J, she followed me out here. She went to lay in her spot. I glanced up at the sky, and just smiled, hoping he was up there watching us.
Toni came out and sat with me. She had her own cup of coffee. There was a loud knock at the door. Toni got up to check but I raised my hand up. I laid my cup on the table, and headed for the door. I opened it and an older gentleman was standing there.
"Hello." He said, in a deep rugged voice.
"Do I know you?" I asked, tilting my head at him.
"No, I'm afraid not, but I know who you are." He said, eyes trailing behind me.
Okay, that was creepy. I struggled to figure out where I had seen him. Toni came walking in and I heard her cup drop. I could hear the glass scattering around the floor. I needed to clean that up before J came walking in, and stepped on it with her paws.
I also didn't want to leave the door wide open, with easy access into my home. I didn;t know him, and for all I was concerned he was creepy. I slammed the door, and locked it. I ran and grabbed the broom, quickly sweeping up the broken glass.
Toni stood there, frozen in her spot. And watching the door. As I was cleaning, I realized I recognized him at the funeral. He was the older gentleman I saw, one of the few left. After I finished cleaning up the mess, I took Toni's hand and helped her over to the couch.
"Toni, did you know that man?" I asked, worry clear in my voice.
"No, I-I mean yes, that was Max's father." She said, stuttering over her words.
"That was Max's father? How did he find us?" I asked.
" I-I don't know."
"Wait, he was the guy from the funeral home. I didn't recognize him until a bit ago."
"He was at the funeral?" Toni asked, the wrinkles on her face creasing together.
"Yes, he was one of the last ones there. Wait, that was Max's father?" Surprise filling her voice.
"I haven't seen him in over 30 years." Max's mother said, her tone becoming darker. She looked away just then.
"He might still be at the door. Do you want me to invite him in?" I asked, getting up.
Toni grabbed my hand, "No don't do that. I am not ready yet," she said, shaking her head.
"Calm down, I won't open the door." I said, rubbing her hands. We sat like that for a few minutes.
After a few minutes, I got up and poured a glass of tea. I handed it to Toni. She seemed calmed down. I needed to find Max's father. He probably had questions about his death. Of course, he really has no right since he hasn't seen his own son since he was six.
I would like to know though. How my kid would be after all these years, but then again he didn;t go looking until after his son had died. I kept contemplating those thoughts all night. I couldn't figure out if I should talk to him or not. What would Max do if he was here? Then, I had my answer.
Max was a caring soul, so he would;ve talked to his father. Even after everything, because that was who he was. I walked up to the front door. I opened it, slowly, and peeked outside. He had left, but I found that he left a card on my plant. I picked it up.
I headed back inside the house, tucking the card in between my bras. Toni wouldn't be able to find it there. I said, with a smirk on my face. I found her passed out on the couch. I grabbed a blanket off the recliner and covered her up. J followed me to the bedroom, and we went to sleep. Tomorrow. I will do it tomorrow. I will call his father, and figure out what he is here.
\
I got up the next morning. I fixed a pot of coffee. It seemed that Toni got up, and headed for her bedroom in the night. I had grabbed the card from earlier, and looked down at the phone number. I guess he figured he wasn't as welcomed. I knew I couldn't tell Toni what I was going to do. Not after her reaction yesterday.
I picked up the house phone, and called the number that was listed on the card. The phone rang for a few minutes, and then a man's voice came over the other end. There was some rustingling around on the other end.
"Hello," I quietly said over the phone.
"Uh, yes, hello. I am Maxwell's father, Lucas. I was told that you were his er- girlfriend."
"Fiance." I corrected it.
"Excuse me," He stuttered over the phone.
"You said girlfriend, that is incorrect. I was his fiance." Emotion drained from my tone.
"The Minister didn't mention that." He said, coughing to clear the silence.
"The Minister didn't have all the facts correct, I guess." I replied hastily.
"No he didn't." He laughed over the phone.
"You left your card here by mistake."I laziley said.
"Oh , no I didn't. When Toni saw me, she freaked out. I just left my number, because I wanted to talk with you. I wanted to learn more about Max."
"Well, I am not at liberty to discuss that with you though." I replied.
"You two were engaged, correct?" He asked me.
"Correct."
"Well since you're his fiance, you do have that liberty."
"No, what I meant is, Toni doesn't know I called. If anyone should tell you about Max it's her." I said, and I hung up the phone.
I tossed the card into the trash. Toni came walking out of her room in her robe.
"Who was that?" She asked me, getting a cup out of the cabinet.
"No one that is important," I replied.
"You know, my son loved this little house."
"Oh, I know. I tried to convince him of it. It had so much work to do. Now I'm actually glad he convinced me to get it." I said to her, smiling to myself.
She smiled back, "It would be a nice place to raise a family one day." She looked up at me. I only glanced at her, and then realization hit me.
"Oh no, no,no,no. Toni he just passed, isn't it a little too soon to be thinking about that?"
"I know, I hate it too, but I know Max wouldn't want you sitting here and doing nothing. He would want you to live your life, and meet another man who will make houou happy."
"No one could make me as happy as he did." I mumbled to myself.
"You know, I never thanked you for helping me out. I know I must have taken a toll on you."
"Nah, you were okay." I said shrugging and smiling.
I sat my coffee down on the table. "Although, I didn't get much time to grieve yet. Like, cry, throw things around, and just be mad at the world."
Toni got up from the table. "Get up."
"What?" shocked rang through my voice.
"You heard me, get your butt up."
"I don't think that's what you said, Toni."
"You really want to get sassy with me now, Rose?" She said, raising them famous thick brows.
"No ma'am."
"Good, grab your purse and keys, we're heading out."
We got in the car, and I turned the engine on. Toni put directions into the GPS.
"Just follow it."
"Where are we going?" I asked.
"Tut tut tut," she shook her finger at me, "it's a surprise."
We drove around for a long time, until we reached Smash Hits, A Break Room. It was one of those places you could walk in, and destroy anything and everything with a sledge hammer. It was pretty cool, and a way to relieve frustration.
I pulled into the parking lot, and parked the car. We got out and headed inside. The instructor took our credit cards, and showed us the safety equipment. Which was a helmet, glasses, and a jacket. He then proceeded to give us each a sledge hammer. We had to follow him into one of the rooms. I could hear smashing all around.
We headed into one of the rooms. There were different junk items around . I saw a skateboard, mirrors, boxes, and much more.
I grabbed the skateboard, and put it on the table. I made sure that Toni was out of the way before I started hitting it. I kept hitting it, until it broke piece by piece, like I did. I smashed it until I started to feel slightly better. I could just make the pain go away for one split second. I looked over to find that Toni had found a small table she was breaking apart.
This was kind of fun. It was relaxing, and something I guess I needed desperately. We spent a few hours in just one room. Eventually, we got done in that room. We had to press a button to let the instructor know we were done. It gave me some anxiety, it felt like that escape room horror movie. Where you had to have buttons and everything. It freaked me out so much.
He unlocked the room, and we made our way to another, different room. This time filled with more objects. It kind of reminds you of that one Harry Potter scene, where they break into the vault, and it just keeps filling up. It was like that, full of a bunch of junk.
We heard movement behind us. We turned around, and my jaw dropped. There he was! Maxwell's father, Lucas, was here in person. How? When? Why? They ran through my mind.
"Lucas, what are you doing here?" Toni asked, shocked written in her voice.
"I came to smash things."
"Good, so did I." Toni said, and started going towards Lucas, sledge hammer in her hand.