Nesrin
Credits to Victoria Erickson
I didn't remember much of what happened through my childhood, i forget things easily, but the things that I did remember were the bad things that happened. My parents would always fought each other, physically and verbally, and that i was the only one problematic among my group of friends. I was insecure, and I always perceive people by judging their behaviors towards me and that lead me to dwell on negative things but then i remember those people that have it worse than me, those people who dont even have a home,
i sometimes think that life is beautiful and transforming yourself has never been good, we've all been through that dark and painful pushing, we've all faced our demons that we created inside our heads, but as someone like me who has been living with severe suicidal ideation, i think you dont have to stay alive only for yourself. Live for your loved ones, live for your dog, live for whatever needs you and whatever matters to you. Live for whatever keeps you alive and the day will come when you can live for yourself
I open my eyes gradually and all i could see was a blur but there is a single light, i can hear the people talking, walking, i can hear the machine that was activated beside me, the white ceiling and i could smell something that would remind me that i was inside a hospital. And indeed, i am inside the hospital. I see my parents so happy to see me, so grateful that im still alive after I overdosed myself with pills. I can almost appreciate the quiet acknowledgement between us of simply breathing and sharing space and time. I love the sound of someone's silence, I recognize them, i notice them and I melt into them simply because their silences sound like mine.
"I dont want to live anymore" I said while staring at my mother and father's eyes, they were not disappointed, they were hurt, my mother cried, my father walked closer to me, to my bed. and he said those words "By the time you were given to us, it brought us so much joy and happiness and i cant stand to look at my baby just to die without finding her own purpose in life" He said as he smiled and a tear escaped from his eye. The purpose of life is very much simple, just observing through nature, the forest, the things to protect, to comfort, to hold, to envelop, to slow down, to teach. Wandering to the trees to explore your questions and dreams, to desire and seek then the world will listen as you walk, watch, and breathe. I've been thinking about my purpose in life but i just couldn't love myself up to the point that i couldn't care whether i live or die
I looked down at the floor as I sadly thought about the death of my friend's classmate, she died because of a health condition that suddenly something triggered me, something whispered in my ear that i have to die too. I was sad because another died from a health condition, I was sad because my friend keeps forcing himself not to cry in front of us, I was sad because i wasn't dead too, i wasn't on the other side of life. But as i think about life on this dimension, on this world, the simple things that i want to experience, the ocean, the salt, heavy air, sweeping tides under the blue sky that the winds blew as it dances with the clouds reflecting the mirror below. I think there are amazing things to be a part of, to fight for, the world will unlock hundreds of doors and opportunities when you give all the courage, love, and intensity
I have always been an old soul and a sensitive one, i notice things that people wouldn't easily notice. I elaborate simple things deeply because i know there is something so much more than you could realize..
"Hey Nes, would you mind giving this letter to Eden?" I was startled when someone called my name, I look down on her delicate hand as her fingertips were holding a certain letter. As i took the letter she then smiled at me and thanked me
I stared at the white letter expecting it to be a love letter for Eden, wait, i forgot what was her name we're not even on the same class. Eden is one of my closest friends, I have only a few and I prefer it that way, besides im not sociable to other human beings.
"Dont you just notice that everytime we're in Miss Amira's class everyone is just so jolly?" Mabel said with a cheerful smile, looking at our eyes as we walk down the hallway and even if i wasn't the talkative type Eden and Mabel didn't made me feel out of place. Mabel's the type of girl who everyone just loves because she's so bubbly and talkative, Eden is also the popular guy in school because he's talented, he can sing and he writes songs, play some instruments. Me? i dont know what they perceive about me and i couldn't care less about their opinions. Eden and Mabel had been my closest friends ever since elementary, they've adjusted to my dysfunctional attitude and they've been through all of my moods, they know that im suffering clinical depression and that im diagnosed to it. They've been very understanding to me and I dont know how to express my gratitude other than saying Thank you
"What about you Nes? what club would you like to join in?" I was bothered from the question that Eden asked me that I stared at him for 5 seconds until i have the answer in my mind
"Im not interested" I said as the three of us are standing in front of the bulletin board full of papers attached to it, the design they made maybe took a little too far, their decorations were too much and the students didn't have enough space to fill their papers in
"Whaaaat? again? its been a long time since the last time you've joined a club, come on Nes on your bike" Mabel replied
"Why dont you join the crossfit club?" Eden suggested
"Woah an intense exercise program but hey that's good for you Nes that way you could release some endorphines on your body" Mabel said
I thought about it for a moment, joining that club means exercising and being fit I wonder if im ready to be healthy, i wonder if I will join that club will change something. Something like I wont be able to think about depression, I wont be able to have panic attacks and I wont have the time to overthink some things that aren't even important
"I'll try.." I replied, their eyes delighted and held a warm smile
"Im sure you'll be fine Nes, happy even. You'll meet new friends and that's one of the beautiful things life can offer, the gift of friendship" Mabel stated, her soft voice made me feel warmer, made me feel thankful that i have this kind of friendship
Beautiful things that life can offer Maybe the reason why everything falls down is because you need to appreciate the birth of life, maybe in order to see the beautiful things life can offer you need to be at risk first. Maybe to be able to appreciate the beauty of pain you need to scorch yourself inside a box full of needles, full of complicated puzzles and keys, full of pain, and then when you achieve those things, some might even be downgraded at first to let them remind what life is really about. To those people who have depression, who have mental illness like me, some may have already seen the beauty of life, some may have already appreciated it, but the thing about depression is that it always comes back, it just silently waits for you when the time comes of you being fragile and weak in which that will trigger the depression much worse
Why does it always comes back? Many have already questioned this inside their minds, many have already contemplated between life and death yet still choose to go on. I wonder is it hope? is it the faith? is it the religion? Life is mysterious, is Life also Death? Can life hear the pleading voices of desperation, the voices of regrets, the pain.
"Eden, someone gave me this for you" I said handing out the vintage letter that the girl gave me earlier as we're walking along the streets I suddenly remembered the letter the time my eyes set at a couple sitting on a bench, they were quiet but happy, they were observing their surrounding while listening to music.
"Hmm I guess another love letter? Hahaha" Mabel grinned at Eden, her pink leather bag was hanging on her shoulder while her hands laid on her back. I cant help but to held a grin while looking at him, I hope this will be the last time that he receives, I hope this time he will accept the love of another person for him
Love is quite special, some live for someone they love, some even die because of love. I wonder if one has depression and if one can experience deep love, will that depression finally disappear and instead turn into a beautiful scentless flower?
We silently went back to our homes, my apartment, my room is consist of nothing out of the ordinary, its like everybody else, I dont have time to decorate my room but maybe someday I will. Someday, when I think of someday it reminds me that I will be still alive at that time, or will I? I took out my keys, I sink my key at the hole of my door, I walk inside quietly with empty eyes
I will soften every edge
Hold the world to its best
I promise I'll do better
With every heartbeat I have left
I'll defend your every breath