Please note this chapter contains descriptions of trauma and severe injury.
_____________________________________
Chapter 80:
何度も - Time and Time Again (nandomo)
Silas clenched the letter tightly in his hands and cleared his throat, his voice shaking as he began to read the letter aloud, "I sincerely apologize that our interaction after such a long time apart has to be through a letter, but I do hope that you will read it in good health.
I am writing to you with urgency, because I will be returning to the Yursear palace within one week of the time you receive this letter. As I am sure you have now heard from my associate, there is something in the Yursear kingdom that you are desperately seeking.
I can help you get what you are looking for, but I will need an answer from you immediately. We can discuss this more in person, if you would like."
Silas groaned and released the letter, letting it fall down to his lap as he put a shaking hand to his aching forehead. Meredith leaned towards him, but Silas held up his other hand, begging Meredith with a pained expression to not touch him. Meredith reluctantly dropped his hands as he watched his nephew.
While they did this, Eva dismissed the courier by removing a heavy pouch from the inside of her jacket, passing it to Rory with a smile and a nod. The young courier returned the smile knowingly, glancing once more with pity at the crushed, ill young elf in front of him, then slipped out of the room, leaving the heavy atmosphere as if he was never there.
"What are we supposed to do now?" Neema wondered aloud, rubbing her forehead in frustration, "There's so much more to this than any of us originally thought. It's becoming too dangerous to proceed forward." Silas was in too much pain to rebuke Neema's claims, and Eva said nothing, taking in what Neema said with silence.
"Give me the letter, Silas." Eva commanded, stepping forward and holding out a gloved hand, her fleeting pity and sadness for the young man long gone, replaced with the cold, calculating leader she was always known as.
With a grit of his teeth, he picked up the letter, weakly passing it to her with a great deal of effort. As he struggled, forcing his arm to lift, he groaned and his arm dropped back down at his side. Eva watched this display, but when Silas's arm dropped, she sighed and snatched the letter up in her hand. Her fingers closed around the folded letter, creasing the smooth folds of the letter with a firm squeeze, as she stuffed it into an interior pocket of her jacket.
"As I thought." Eva mumbled to herself. Coldly, she turned towards Meredith, "He's useless. He can't even lift his arm. We'll have to proceed without him. Do you still have your pendant?"
"You can't!" Silas snapped weakly, attempting to sit up, "That's my mother! I have to save her!"
Eva's eyes coldly locked onto Silas's, the heat from his anger darkening his pupils, "And what do you suppose you will do, hm? You can't even lift your arm or sit up straight. I suggest you do the only thing you can, which is sit there and be quiet."
"Eva." Meredith said, his voice hardly above a whisper while his message was clear. Do not push him further.
Eva looked at Meredith before she broke into a sarcastic smile. She sighed again, barely holding back a laugh, as she rolled her eyes, "Everyone, get out. I'll discuss what the plan will be once I'm done here." Everyone seemed to falter, unsure of whether they should stay or leave, but Eva repeated herself, this time her tone was much harsher, "Did my short absence make you all deaf? I said, 'Get out.'" This time, Eva's command stuck, as everyone quickly cleared the room, leaving only Eva, Meredith, and Silas left. Meredith and Eva seemed to be in a silent stand-off, neither side moving an inch as they looked at each other. Finally, after what felt like an eternity, Eva sighed and softened her tone, "I need to speak to him alone, Meredith."
"What do you need to tell him that I can not be here to hear?" Meredith asked, staying right next to Silas.
"Uncle Mary," Silas said, slowly pulling his hand towards the sleeve of Meredith's jacket before giving it a weak tug, "It's okay. Please go." Meredith looked down at the familiar young man's hand which still weakly gripped his sleeve, and he suddenly saw the small, childlike hand of a very young Silas, who would always pull on his sleeve as a toddler to get his attention. With a blink, Silas's tiny hand was again the hand of an adult's, no longer the tiny, grabby hands of a young child, but of an adult. Meredith closed his eyes, a sudden, immense sadness washing over him.
"I understand." Meredith said with a smile as he looked up to meet Silas's gaze, "I won't be far, so just shout if you need me."
Silas smiled and nodded before he released his grip on Meredith's sleeve and fell back, exhausted from the effort. With one more warning glare towards Eva, Meredith stood up and began his exit. As he passed Eva, he whispered to her,
"I still have it." He then slipped out of the room, squeezing his eyes tight as he realized what Eva was going to ask him to do.
Eva did not allow for the silence in the room to last long, as she walked over to the seat that Meredith had just been sitting in and took a seat, taking the time to smooth her skirt as she did. Silas waited impatiently for her to finish, having to bite back a sharp response that would only anger Eva and delay what she had to say to him. Eva finally sighed and looked up at Silas, her cold face slightly cracking as she glanced at the slowly healing bruise that had blossomed on Silas's chin not long after he was pulled out of the pool.
"I always wanted children, did you know that?" Eva said, seeming to ponder before she continued. She did not look at Silas when she said this, so he did not answer. She continued, "My husband, Imre, and I always discussed having them once the war against the elves had settled down. We were terrified of bringing up any children in the middle of such violence and hate, but we figured it would eventually end on its own, and that we had all the time in the world." Eva laughed weakly, shaking her head as she sarcastically smiled, "That was so foolish, but how were two young, naive people in love supposed to know that?"
Silas stared down at his hands, his frustration at his weakness and Eva's lackadaisical response to the serious situation bubbling, "Why are you telling me this?" He snapped, his anger growing. Eva did not seem to mind his outburst. She actually seemed amused by it.
"I'm not sure how much Yulia and Meredith told you, but my husband was an elf from the Yursear kingdom, and I am a human. I know you know what that means." Silas reluctantly nodded in agreement, Elves and humans have never been allowed to marry each other. It was heavily banned across the continent, and in the last few years, the enforcement has just gotten worse.
"We married in secret. We were terrified of anyone finding out, but we were in love, so we didn't think very long or hard about the consequences." Eva looked down at her gloved hands, squeezing them tightly, "We lived deep in the woods, and we thought that no one would ever find us. And maybe we never would have been found, if the young Yursinean crown prince was not almost assassinated."
"You mean-"
"Yes, when you tried to kill Crown Prince Godfreed, and the elf hunts began, they found us. We had no idea that they were even hunting elves, because we were so far removed from society." Eva paused, so Silas glanced down at her gloved hands. He had noticed that her hands, any time he had seen her, were always covered by gloves. While he found it odd, he had never pondered it too much, coming to the conclusion that Eva was just cautious about her skin in the sun. Now, he began to wonder if there were other reasons she always kept her hands covered.
"They came in the middle of the night. They broke down the front door before we even knew what was happening. They dragged my husband out first. Then it was my turn." Eva paused again, and Silas looked down at his lap. He felt too uncomfortable to look at Eva, to see what expression she was making. He did not want to pity her, but he knew if he saw her pained expression, he would.
"By the time I was dragged out, he was already dead." Eva said quietly, "It was going to be my turn next. They didn't want to waste a lot of time killing something that they found less than human. But when they saw that I was not an elf, they let me go. Not before throwing my husband's deceased body into our home and setting it on fire though. They made sure the house had actually caught fire before they left, taking all of our valuables and our horse." Eva chuckled half-heartedly, "They did not say it, but they were leaving me for dead. They took everything I would need to survive. To them, it was a just end for a traitor, I suppose. Freezing to death in the middle of nowhere, or running into the fire to join my husband."
"But here you are." Silas mumbled, still looking down.
"Yes, here I am." Eva said with a smile, her lips curled up into an angry smile, "But I made many sacrifices to get here." Silas kept looking at his lap, like a petulant child, as he heard Eva rustling something. Eva waited for a moment, wanting him to turn towards her, but when he refused to, Eva stretched out her hand, placing it on Silas's cheek and guiding his face back, like a mother catching the attention of an upset child.
Silas jumped at the sensation of her hand on his face, not only for the sudden physical contact, but also the odd, leathery texture of her fingers that touched his cheek. On instinct, Silas's eyes shot down to her hand, which was lifting itself from his cheek, since he was now facing her. Eva managed to smile as Silas's eyes widened in shock. Her hands, to her wrists, were a putrid, pale color, with scar tissue all over her hands, giving her an uneven, stiff overlay. Her long fingers had the worst of the scarring though, with the skin appearing stretched with the twisted scars running the length of her fingers.
"My hands were one of the sacrifices I made to get where I am." Eva said, holding her hands out in front of her, letting Silas take them in, "As soon as they left, I ran into my home, trying to save my husband's body from being burned, and trying to find anything I could to help me survive. But there was nothing left once I got inside. Anything that could have been used was already destroyed, and my husband was already gone. Still, I wanted something to remember him by, something to have so if I did survive, it would remind me every day what they did to my husband and our life together. I managed to grab my wedding ring from my husband's neck, but as I was saying my goodbyes, the doorway collapsed. There was only one other way out, a secret passageway we built under the house in case we ever had to secretly flee in the night." Eva shook her head, the memory disturbing her, "But it was already covered by collapsing, burning debris. So, I did the only thing I could, I pushed the burning debris off the passageway entrance."
"Then, your hands?" Silas did not finish his sentence, but he did not need to, because Eva nodded.
"I tried to cover my hands with my skirt, but there was so much fire, and the debris was large, so it did not really help at all. But I managed to move the debris, and I escaped into the passageway with nothing other than my disfigured hands and a desire to get revenge for my family."
"But, how did you survive?" Silas asked, curiosity and wonder pushing him to ask.
"I began walking. I knew I could not go to an elven village, since they would never let a human in, if they were all not deserted and burned down at that point, but I knew I would not last the multiple days it would take me to walk to the nearest human town. So I just began walking, and I walked until I could not walk anymore. Eventually, I collapsed on what I found out later was an elven walking trail. I was found by a fleeing group of elves a few hours later. They told me I was practically dead by the time they found me, and the only reason they stopped and helped me was because of the wedding ring I had tied around my neck. It was a traditional elven ring from Imre's village, and they must have recognized it, because they stopped and took me with them, even though such a slow in pace could have gotten them killed by patrolling Yursinean guards."
As Eva paused again, letting Silas consume all the information she was telling him. He found himself at a loss for words. What could someone say to someone who had just revealed their painful past to them?
Silas cleared his throat, "I'm sorry."
This caused Eva to smile, "That's what your uncle said to me too, when we met the first time." The memory seemed to encourage Eva to speak more, since she continued telling her story, "I met him when I was with the fleeing elves. They had stopped at a hidden rest point, and Meredith was there, guiding lost elves and healing any who had been attacked as they fled. He was the first person who was able to give me any medical care, but by the time I had gotten to him, it had already been a few days, and my hands and body were in horrible condition. He was worried I was not going to be able to make it, and he actually apologized to me for that."
"So, that's how you two met?" Silas asked, and Eva nodded in response.
"He treated me, and he was able to save me, though I couldn't move at all for a few days. As more and more elves fled, he stayed to make sure I would survive. He even forced me to join his caravan as he was leaving. I think he knew that if he left me alone, I would have gone to the capital and tried to kill the men who murdered my husband. I never would have made the journey though, and I think he knew that, so he convinced me to go with him and his small caravan. That is how we went west, to the Bethell kingdom. Though the Bethell kingdom was not safe for elves, Meredith and his small group could disguise themselves as humans, and I was a human woman, so I was safe enough to travel there. From there, I made a name for myself as a singer, but the whole time I was building a rebellion, putting any money I earned right back into the growing cause. The people were angry and distrustful, and I used that to build the massive network I have now."
Silas, while listening to Eva's backstory, had a gnawing question clawing at the back of his mind. With a wince, he asked, "But, why are you telling me all this?"
"I want you to understand how much I've put on the line to be here." Eva was short with her words, though her eyes had a small fire in them, "My story is like so many other people's stories. We have all sacrificed so much to be here. And then there's you." Her tone became full of sudden contempt, "You have a chance to take back something anyone in your shoes would kill to have, but you have no fight, Silas." Eva said, staring into his reluctant eyes, "You won't do what you need to to save your family."
This incensed Silas, who said angrily, "How can you say that? I've done everything I could to save my family!"
"No, you have not. If you did, you would have killed the crown prince when you had the chance. You would have let nothing stop you from protecting your family. You wouldn't be lying in this bed right now, even if that meant you had to let me die. The rebellion won't end with my death. It's already begun."
Silas wanted to rebuke her claims, but he found himself at a loss for words yet again, hurt deeply by her accusations. This softened Eva's hard gaze.
"Silas, I am not saying this to hurt you. Believe it or not, I do not hate you, nor have I ever hated you. But when you are confronted, you falter. I can not have someone with me who will falter. It puts my whole team at risk." Silas looked away from Eva, refusing to look her way at all. In response, Eva grabbed Silas's hands with her own, forcing him to touch her scarred hands. He tried to flinch away from her, but with his lack of strength, he found it near impossible to fight her, "I have put everything on the line to ensure I will get revenge for my husband, for the life I had, and for all the other elves that were put through what I was put through. You, on the other hand, have done nothing. Instead, you run and hide." Finally, Eva released Silas, "That is why I told you about my past and showed you my hands. You've given up, and that incites me, since you have been given a chance to be reunited with your family. So many of us have given up everything just to stop others from going through what we have, and here you are, scoffing at the opportunity to save your family."
Silas continued to stare at his lap, refusing to acknowledge what Eva had said. With an exasperated sigh, Eva rose to her feet, "Whether you help or not, I will save your family. I promised you I would, and you saved my life, so I will commit to my word, but if you decide to keep running from your past, you will never escape it." Eva put her gloves back on her hands, hiding any trace of their conversation, and smoothed her skirt again, brushing away the wrinkles that formed from her sitting. She then walked over to the door, her gloved hand resting on the door knob. After a moment of contemplation, Eva turned back to Silas, "As soon as we're prepared, we're leaving for the Yursinean border. I can't say how long it will take us to find your family, but I will have one of my couriers keep you updated. Rest well." Then Eva left, letting the silence settle into the room with her absence.
As silence filled the quiet room, Silas brought his shaking hands to his head, covering his eyes as his body hunched. Even this small movement exhausted him.
I… Silas thought to himself, I hate how weak I am. I thought after that nightmare that I would be better, but Eva's right. I'm just a coward. Silas brought his knees up to his chest and squeezed his body together, trying to make himself disappear.
…
"What was that!?" Philomena was the first to yell, the four of them looking towards the far side of the river, where the scream had come from. It was the scream of a woman, shrill and terrifying. Hearing such a pained scream, it made even Charlotte take a step back, her eyes wide with shock.
Olicia looked towards the forest as she asked, her voice trembling, "W-what do you think happened?" Her hands were shaking, making her stand stiffly, frozen in place.
As much as the group wanted to address the screaming, there was a dark feeling hanging in the air, swallowing the forest in front of them with a menacingly heavy weight, a feeling that bore down into their very bones, threatening danger only a short distance away from them. A cold sensation drew over their heads, eating away at their toes like ants. Even the hairs on their necks were standing tall, like soldiers in attention.
"Whatever's happened, we should go see who screamed first.." The first to speak was Charlotte, who drew in her hands and said in a quiet voice, "But we should hide ourselves. If we get caught, we could be killed."
Sagara lowered her gaze with an understanding nod, while Olicia held her hands in front of her waist, attempting to stop her hands from shaking as she swallowed the lump in her throat and solidified her resolve, "I agree, let's go."
Charlotte's gaze turned to the young Philomena, who stood steady with the sides of her dress in her hands, holding up the trailing lace on the edge of the fabric skirt as she looked towards the group. It was time for her to show her resolve as well. There was no more hiding. "I want to go too."
All of the candidates had a reason to enter the forest. There was no point in leaving until they investigated further. That thought resonated with all of them.
The small group was led by Charlotte, who quietly stepped through the tall foliage and moved silently, wading through the tall grass like serpents. They had collected the fabric of their gowns as close to their bodies as they could, taking care to avoid stepping on the loose twigs and branches that had snaked out into the narrow opening around them. With another step, there was another clearing in view, hidden by a large group of raspberry bushes. The tall bushes had scattered raspberries left attached to their stalks, but no one was tempted to take a bite of the overrippened red fruit.
Waving her hand, Charlotte beckoned for the rest of the girls to join her at her side, leaving them to line up sideways against the surface of the bush. With the narrow holes inside the leaves, they were able to vaguely see two figures standing in the middle of the clearing. Their voices were muffled slightly by the forest, but they could clearly make out what the two figures were saying. All that could be seen was Annmaria's tense form, her figure stepping back repeatedly as the other figure advanced slowly towards her like a prowling tiger.
"O-oh my god… Why, an elf?" It was Annmaria's voice. The young Vartien countess was trembling in fear, her voice unsteady and light, almost breathless. "Why is an elf in the palace?" Her words were like a quiet scream, her face flushed red as tears streamed down her cheeks.
Is that person an elf? How could an elf come to the palace? Charlotte squinted towards the forest at the standing figure, but she could only make out the figure's torn clothes and the dirt on their hair and face. From their height, the elf looked to be a woman, but it was too difficult to tell. Charlotte silently gasped to herself, but shut her mouth, keeping her sudden thoughts to herself.
"You stupid, vile humans, always looking to slaughter and steal what is not yours. You stupid nobles have no idea of the concequences of your actions!" The elven woman stepped closer to Annmaria, her expression hidden by her matted hair as she said in a raspy tone, "You treated my son like a useless rat, so you die like one!"
Annmaria screamed, lifting her hands as she attempted to step back and run. However, the elven woman was much faster. The wooden dagger in the woman's hands swung down heavily, stabbing into Annmaria's left arm with a heavy piercing sound. Blood poured from the wound, making a sickening splattering sound as the elven woman pulled back the knife out of the wound and stabbed again, this time stabbing Annmaria's right hand.
Watching Annmaria fight for her life was too difficult to bear. As scared as Olicia was, she wanted to do something, anything, to get the elven woman to stop her heinous attack, but as she attempted to move, Charlotte's shaking hand gripped itself like a vice around her arm. The grip that restrained her was like steel, weighing down not only her body, but also her poor decisions that could implicate the group. Her grimacing face turned to the cold-faced Charlotte, who only had a finger over her mouth, quietly shushing her as she slowly turned towards Sagara to her left, who had already begun to hold onto her small porcelain bottle. Philomena stood to Olicia's right, covering her mouth with both of her hands as she restrained any sounds she had involuntarily wanted to make.
This is dangerous, too dangerous for us to handle. If Cordelia is really here as we think, she's willing to sacrifice her own countrymen to achieve her goals. Charlotte thought, restraining the nausea in her heart as she thought, But this elf… this wasn't Cordelia's doing. This elf is not in the right mind. If we get found now, we'll only be killed.
It seemed each of the candidates had the same thought. They each held their ground quietly in the bush, turning their heads away weakly, wishing they could remove their hearing as well. While they had faced many difficult situations, many dangerous situations, they were now in a position where they had to directly face the death of another. The feeling of powerlessness was overpowering, making them feel weak. Quietly, Charlotte took Sagara and Olicia's hands in hers, squeezing their palms in her own grasp as if she were comforting them, telling them that this horrific moment would be short, and that they would be able to escape with their lives if only they waited. Seeing Philomena's hands over her mouth, Olicia reached out her hand and gently patted Philomena's shoulder in a weak attempt to soothe the girl, her hands trembling.
Soon, the horrific stabbing sounds had stopped along with the gradually weakening sounds of Annmaria. The fierce struggle had slowly been silenced, and soon there was only the sound of a heavy thud, and the sound of a knife being pulled from the young girl's flesh. Even from the bushes the smell of blood was strong, overtaking the fresh air of the forest with the overbearing metallic scent.
Maeir stood next to Annmaria's unmoving body, staring down at the young human woman one more time before she grimaced in disgust, her gaze lifeless as she kicked away the disfigured hand of Annmaria away from her foot, smudging some of the fresh blood on her naked foot. The dagger still rested in Maeir's hand, dripping with blood as she turned away from the human corpse and moved towards the opposite side of the forest, creating more distance between her and Charlotte's group as she quickly disappeared into the forest, soundlessly moving through the foliage.
As their heart beats began to slow, no longer hearing the elven woman in the small clearing, Charlotte moved her gaze back to the hole in the bushes, her eyes staring at the bloody scene with a stare of disbelief. Annmaria was dead, and she was murdered by an elf. As Charlotte's gaze fell on Annmaria's bloody figure, Sagara slowly returned her gaze, wordlessly shaking her head, as if she could not believe it either.
Most of the stab wounds on Annmaria's arms and hands were deep, while some were shallow, yet all dripped with fresh blood. Her hair that had been styled and pinned behind her head had fallen in messy waves around her face and neck, covering her face with long strands of messy hair. Through the shadows of the bushes, they could barely make out the scattered pearls of her destroyed pearl necklace strewn around the ground, circling her body like snowflakes.
"How awful." Philomena mouthed, still holding her hands over her mouth, tears now streaming down her cheeks.
Silence surrounded the group as they continued to kneel, hiding behind the bushes. They could only wait for Maeir to leave the area. Having lost Annmaria so brutally right in front of their eyes, none of the four desired to risk the same fate.
All four sat in terrified silence.
…
__________________________________________
Chapter is called 何度も, which can translate as repeatedly and over and over, but I liked time and time again as the translation for it. It's a reminder of the trauma the characters have faced due to the Yursear-Elven war. Hunny wrote Eva's portion of this chapter while I tackled the girls, and I decided against a graphic description for Annmaria's death because I was already getting upset with Eva's portion, and I didn't want to compound more on that.
This chapter was super exhausting, as well as this week, but I'm happy with it :D Please let us know if there are any errors, and have a great week, all ♥ Thank you all for reading, and a huge thank you to Hunny for her continued work!
Also, while we're on Japanese, if you want a fun rabbit hole to explore look up the romaji movement during the Meiji era (?). A good bunch of Japanese books were entirely written in romaji, but the movement itself never caught on. Writing this title reminded me of when one of my professors showed us a book like that and sparked my interest again. Hope you enjoy that fun tidbit ;D