Hello, I'm your lovely narrator! 'How modest.' Shut up! You don't enter until I say the word! *clears throat* Sorry reader. Back to the beginning of the story. We have all heard the story of Red Riding Hood ten times over at least. But what if I told you that story was wrong? That it was edited by a man to make females seem...less. Lucky for you, I know the real story. 'My story!' *sigh* Yes, Elena's story. 'Hello reader! I'm Elena, but you know me as the infamous Red Riding Hood. My story has been changed dozens of times throughout the centuries and it is painful to watch.' Painful is a bit of an exaggeration. 'Shhh!' Just saying! 'Back to what I was saying before this insolent narrator interrupted! My story is far more epic than what it has been made out to be.' Okay, that's enough from you! *muffled scream* Sorry about Elena. Now, let's review the 'story' of Red Riding Hood.
+ Once upon a time, there was a little girl who lived in a village near the forest. Whenever she went out, the little girl wore a red riding cloak, so everyone in the village called her Little Red Riding Hood.+
'Didn't even bother to know my name!'
+One morning, Little Red Riding Hood asked her mother if she could go to visit her grandmother as it had been awhile since they'd seen each other.+
'I saw her the week before!'
+"That's a good idea," her mother said. So they packed a nice basket for Little Red Riding Hood to take to her grandmother.+
'She hated it. I stole the basket!'
+When the basket was ready, the little girl put on her red cloak and kissed her mother goodbye.+
'Wrong!'
+"Remember, go straight to Grandma's house," her mother cautioned. "Don't dawdle along the way and please don't talk to strangers! The woods are dangerous."+
'That was my conscience!'
+"Don't worry, mommy," said Little Red Riding Hood, "I'll be careful."+
'Well, that statement backfired.'
+But when Little Red Riding Hood noticed some lovely flowers in the woods, she forgot her promise to her mother. She picked a few, watched the butterflies flit about for awhile, listened to the frogs croaking and then picked a few more.+
'How rude!'
+Little Red Riding Hood was enjoying the warm summer day so much, that she didn't notice a dark shadow approaching out of the forest behind her...+
'Sure, let's go with that.'
+Suddenly, the wolf appeared beside her.+
'This is probably the only true part.'
+"What are you doing out here, little girl?" the wolf asked in a voice as friendly as he could muster.+
'Friendly is not the adjective I would use.'
+"I'm on my way to see my Grandma who lives through the forest, near the brook," Little Red Riding Hood replied.+
'Because I would talk to a wolf.'
+Then she realized how late she was and quickly excused herself, rushing down the path to her Grandma's house.+
'Not worried a wolf was behind me.'
+The wolf, in the meantime, took a shortcut...+
'Because they are just that smart.'
+The wolf, a little out of breath from running, arrived at Grandma's and knocked lightly at the door.+
'How polite.'
+"Oh thank goodness dear! Come in, come in! I was worried sick that something had happened to you in the forest," said Grandma thinking that the knock was her granddaughter.+
'My grandma isn't THAT oblivious!'
+The wolf let himself in. Poor Granny did not have time to say another word, before the wolf gobbled her up!+
'Nothing about this is right.'
+The wolf let out a satisfied burp, and then poked through Granny's wardrobe to find a nightgown that he liked. He added a frilly sleeping cap, and for good measure, dabbed some of Granny's perfume behind his pointy ears.+
'Now he is a proper lady.'
+A few minutes later, Red Riding Hood knocked on the door. The wolf jumped into bed and pulled the covers over his nose. "Who is it?" he called in a cackly voice.+
'Yes, wolves are masters of disguise.'
+"It's me, Little Red Riding Hood."+
'How degrading.'
+"Oh how lovely! Do come in, my dear," croaked the wolf.+
'Lovely? Posh!'
+When Little Red Riding Hood entered the little cottage, she could scarcely recognize her Grandmother.+
'BECAUSE IT IS A FRICKING WOLF!'
+"Grandmother! Your voice sounds so odd. Is something the matter?" she asked.+
'She has Iamawolf-atitus.'
+"Oh, I just have touch of a cold," squeaked the wolf adding a cough at the end to prove the point.+
'Suuuuuuuure.'
+"But Grandmother! What big ears you have," said Little Red Riding Hood as she edged closer to the bed.+
'I wonder why!'
+"The better to hear you with, my dear," replied the wolf.+
'Because that makes sense.'
+"But Grandmother! What big eyes you have," said Little Red Riding Hood.+
'Again, I wonder why!'
+"The better to see you with, my dear," replied the wolf.+
'Then why did you buy glasses?'
+"But Grandmother! What big teeth you have," said Little Red Riding Hood her voice quivering slightly.+
'Finally, some common sense!'
+"The better to eat you with, my dear," roared the wolf and he leapt out of the bed and began to chase the little girl.+
'Pick on someone your own size!'
+Almost too late, Little Red Riding Hood realized that the person in the bed was not her Grandmother, but a hungry wolf.+
'OH MY GOD!'
+She ran across the room and through the door, shouting, "Help! Wolf!" as loudly as she could.+
'Pathetic.'
+A woodsman who was chopping logs nearby heard her cry and ran towards the cottage as fast as he could.+
'He wasn't just a woodsman.'
+He grabbed the wolf and made him spit out the poor Grandmother who was a bit frazzled by the whole experience, but still in one piece."Oh Grandma, I was so scared!" sobbed Little Red Riding Hood, "I'll never speak to strangers or dawdle in the forest again."+
'I. Don't. Dawdle.'
+"There, there, child. You've learned an important lesson. Thank goodness you shouted loud enough for this kind woodsman to hear you!"+
'He ain't kind.'
+The woodsman knocked out the wolf and carried him deep into the forest where he wouldn't bother people any longer.+
'Actually, I did that.'
+Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandmother had a nice lunch and a long chat.+
'I hate this story.' Oh shush! Reader, you see why it needs a retelling? Now, sit back, relax- 'And enjoy the novel!'