*On the way to the airport*
I cannot wait for it to all be over. I just want it to stop. His hands. I feel them crawling on me every second of the day. I cannot have a moments rest without thinking about him. About what he has done to me. I wish it were all over. I wish I were dead. And it is all going to end in Disney World, the happiest place on Earth. The irony is really something. I wish I could pull through. I really do. But it has been 5 months since that day. That horrific day. I just cannot get it out of my head. And now it is back in my head...
*Flashback to July 4*
*Sitting with Lexi at the club*
Lexi: Thanks for coming tonight y/n.
Y/n: No problem Lexi. I honestly don't know how your parents let you have a party at a club and the fact that you persuaded my parents to let me come.
Lexi: Your parents love me. I mean we have known each other for, what, 12 years and we have been best friends since day one.
Y/n: Yeah, plus I really needed a night out after everything.
Lexi: That girl did not deserve you, y/n, and we both know that. She cheated on you. Like that is unforgivable.
Y/n: But I-
Lexi: I swear to god if you say "I loved her" I am going to slap you. You know she was wrong. So now you are going to down shot and have some fun.
Y/n: Okay, okay let us have some FUN!
*Three hours later*
Y/n: *slurring* I am so drunk. I can't even walk properly.
Lexi: You're right we should get out of here.
Random Guy: Hey you're pretty cute.
Lexi: Sorry but we're busy.
Random Guy: I wasn't talking to you, I was talking to your friend.
Y/n: Thanks but- *retches* Oh shit I think I'm going to throw up.
*runs to the bathroom, into the stall and throws up*
Random Guy: Do you need help in there?
Y/n: No I'm fine thanks.
Random Guy: I wasn't asking, you little shit *locks bathroom stall*
Y/n: What are you doing? Get away from me.
Random Guy: It will be over before you know it. *y/n struggling* If you don't struggle then it will be a lot easier.
*Y/n continues to struggle*
Random Guy: Just shut up *bangs y/n head against the wall*
After that I had vague memories. The hands all over me. Something inside of me. I was just too scared to know what it was.
I woke up a couple of days later in the hospital with severe pain on my head and lower area. The doctors, my parents, Lexi, and her parents came into the room. They look like they had not had sleep in days, and I could clearly see that my mom, Lexi, and her mom had been crying the entire time. They came in silently and I asked the doctors what was wrong. They told me that I should hear the news from either Lexi or my mom. I looked at them and then Lexi came up to me.
Y/n: Lexi what is going on? Please Lexi!
Lexi: *Starts tearing up* Y/n. That night at the club, we found you in the bathroom. Your head was hurt badly but- *starts crying* you were bleeding from your behind. That man raped you Y/n.
At the moment I heard those words, I felt something shatter inside of me. Like part of my soul was ripped out of me and stomped on. I never wanted to believe it were true. But it was true. And it just bloody broke me, and I felt a pain inside me that I knew would not stop.
*Back to the present*
Over the next 5 months, I went to hours upon hours to a psychiatrist and a therapist but in the end they both said the same thing. Every time I tried to remember what had happened, I would get panic attacks and just freak out and I am sick of all of this. To be honest, I lost the will to live and move on because everything I thought had been in me has been ripped out and crushed. I cannot take it anymore and I lost all the feeling inside. This constant feeling of numbness, I just cannot take it anymore.
Every moment I am awake I get this weird feeling. It feels like there are hands on me, touching me and forcing me and it just sends shivers down my spine. I cannot even hide from my fear of this in my sleep because I keep getting these nightmares of this guy's face and his hands all over me and the terrible things, he did to me. I can't take this constant fear and the constant look of pity on people's faces when they talk to me or look at me and it just makes me feel so small and insignificant and I just can't take it. That is why, this trip to Disney World will be my last and I shall bid you all a farewell from the happiest place on Earth.
I know how much my family and I need this holiday with all that has happened these last 5 months and I will make their holiday very happy and memorable but I know what I'm going to do is going to break their hearts. I love them so much and I know how much they have done for me and their patience with me these last 5 months was something I did not deserve. It was my fault that all of this has happened. I broke their rules and I got drunk and because of that, I got raped. It was my lack of judgement and although my parents continued to tell me that it wasn't my fault, I know that, deep down, I was the one that made the mistake and I feel terrible because my parents are blaming themselves for what I did and it just makes me feel like absolute crap.
Lexi did so much for me, and she is the bestest friend I could have ever asked for. From when we were 5 years old, we stuck by each other's sides and we helped and supported each other through everything. Through everything she has always helped me and she has always been my pillar of support and I will always love her and I will always be by her side even if it be through spirit. I honestly wish I could tell her but I know that she will do everything to stop me and tell my parents and I know that I will never get an opportunity like this ever again. I just feel so bad for her, but I know that I cannot do anything because I know I lost this battle.
That is why I have decided to go through with this. My ex-girlfriend cheated on me then I get raped then I almost failed the year after being top 3 my whole life. I have been such a burden to my parents and since my life has no purpose, I would rather give my life up so that someone else may benefit from the space I wasted in my life. Which is why I have decided to take my life because I do not see the point of living on where all I do is hate myself and wish that everything would just end. Right all I should do is just focus on Disney World and just have fun this holiday because, I know, that this will be my last.