The rain poured down hard outside my bedroom. The pattering of rain provided a sense of sanity and peace to me as always. Strangely I have always been attracted to such a dark weather, the storm, the thunder. Instead of running away or getting scared, I want it to consume me.
It still astonish me that how the people we trust, that we have known for our my life can hurt you and leave you broken for the rest of your life. Is that my story? Broken for the rest of my life. Well I guarantee you I am far from broken. In short words I'm beyond repair.
"In a lifetime we come across around 80,000 people out of which only a handful of people stay with us and even less than that matters to us. But what if these are the ones who abandons you leave you with nothing and without a reason. Everyone has their own share in every other persons life because that is what we become in the end 'A story'.
Good things or people don't stay long enough in my life. Maybe I should just stick to the bad, dark side of this world for it has always surrounded like the dark clouds which never clears out. I know one day he is going to stop loving me like everyone else. They are.....NO I'm drifting apart from them of which I'm very much aware of but its like my heads under water. You know the feeling when someone is drowning and his or her whole life flashes in front their eyes and just when they think they have lived their lives to the fullest the realisation hit, the long list of things that could still be achieved or done and till now they have recalled the entire heaven and powers beyond that for a last chance to live and appreciate life. Waiting for a miracle.
I believe miracles do happen. It happened with me this one time in the form of my best friends, actually a string of miracles that was too good to believe.
Its so painful when you want to so desperately want to feel something anything even pain. Maybe I deserved it. But now I have no more tears to spill, my eyes feel dry and throat constricted, but most importantly my heart feels no pain, no fear of losing loved ones, no remorse, no anger.
It feels so cold and I guess I'm alright! That's what I have turned into. A heartless, cold person and my heart never wants to feels the tingling, warm feeling of love ever again."
Signing off
- Verena.
I scribbled with all my last amount of energy I could for the last time in my diary for I was never going to write again which I once loved the most. That is what feelings does that to you leaves you void, empty inside at the end of the tunnel.
Closing the diary, I placed it in the box with some other stuff which were a part the old of me. My moms sweater, my dads files, his journals and a snow globe which I always found very strange. No. They were not dead. They are very well in shape and happily vacationing in some spot of the world.
These were things I have always kept close to me since I was a little girl. It kept me accompany throughout these years but now I just need to leave them behind.
My heart aches to see them everyday at school, happily smiling at each other. Is it real, his smile or is he just faking it. Does he knows the truth. No. He can't this will only put him in danger. No he can never know.
I will not let him throw away his chance at a peace full life after what he has been through. And just to be with someone like me.
This all began the day he strutted through that classroom door.