How do I move on? Why do I need to move on? For eight years, I asked my self that. I asked like it mattered although, I at times I felt it doesn't.
Do you really need a closure for something that did not begin?
I was that for eight years, people envy me for being on top of my career but they never dared to look under my shadows. All they care about is the surface, but the ugly, depressed and full of anxiety me did not matter. It was living a life but never existing.
I told myself it's okay,I wasn't lonely, I was just tired. It's like a mantra I told myself, a meditation that kept me sane.
Not until, what I burried for years stood up from its own grave.
"En, you've been acting strange lately. Halos puro errors 'yong submitted manuscripts mo. What's happening?"
"I... well, I was trying to write a chapter para sa lahat ng pending stories ko, so I wasn't able to proof read, sorry po."
She let out a sigh, disappointed na naman si Miss Alexis. How many times have I turned her down this month? I lost count.
She was looking at me intently, if she's waiting for more explanation, she better not. Wala akong maisip na alibi, explanation or escape plan. My mind's in chaos, no one can help me. Miss Alexis let out another sigh, her faced turned gloomy mukha siyang may sasabihin pero nag-aalangan.
"En..." She looked away, "you should talk to him, it will help you."
"Miss A, wouldn't it be better to just leave it as it is?" Would it?
She just pat my shoulder and left me staring at the manuscripts on my table. I reached for my phone, kailangan ko ng advice, the kind of advice you want to hear but never really wanted to follow, if I'll get another green light, I will give it a go.
"En, kung si Ady na naman 'yan, kausapin mo na. You've asked me that for so many times."
Leche ka po, "no, I just want to ask if you're free. Papasama sana ako, sa ano..."
"Kausapin mo na nga, if it turns out well, congratulations if not, paaalam by Moira."
"Kausapin ko because?"
"Ginagago mo ako, because? Talk to him, you'll never know your what ifs, if you wouldn't give it a try. You have been avoiding this for eight years."
"Lea, free ka nga? I'm not asking for your advice about, Ady." Leche, kahit oo, I wouldn't admit it. "Papasama talaga ako sa mall."
"En, walang Ady sa mall. Sa recording studio ni Paul, may Ady. Kung magpapasama ka, I'm sad to say, may mga pagdadaanan tayo sa buhay na kailangan nating mag-isa."
Umirap na lang ako, ended the call without a goodbye, sanay na naman si Lea na binababaan ko siya, I grabbed my bag and wrote a message to Paul na isabay niya ako papunta sa recording studio niya since kausap naman siya ni Miss A sa office nito para sa cover designs and layouts na gagawin niya. Awkward man pero, mukhang siya rin ang gagawa ng para sa sinusulat ko.
Awkward because, kapatid siya ni Ady and the manuscripts that I'm working on was Ady's pieces. Every blot on the paper speaks Ady, it won't be a surprise if Paul would know kapag ginawan niya na ng cover design if matapos ko na.
Nangmakalabas na ako ng building, there stood with his mighty black Ducati Scrambler 1100, Paul who was looking at me na parang may plano siyang masama pero nakakaawa ang facial expression. The, type who screams I am an angel pero demonyo talaga ako, promise.
"May mahal na 'yong iba, kaw kasi tinulak mo bigla. Huwag ka na pumunta."
Hinampas ko sa ulo niya iyong sling bag ko, "salamat po sa advice. Paki-drive na papunta sa studio mo."
Inismidan ako ni Paul habang pinapakiramdaman kung nabagok ba ang ulo niya but nevertheless, he passed a helmet at umangkas na kami sa motor niya. Paul's a good friend but his mouth, nevermind. The drive really felt like flying, tipong masasakal mo ang nagmamaneho sa nerbyos habang tawang-tawa pa siyang lumulusot sa pagitan ng trucks.
Hindi man ako hilong-hilo ng makarating kami sa studio ni Paul pero pakiramdam ko mas maraming pumasok na hangin sa ulo ni Paul.
"Pinayuhan na kita, ikaw nang bahala kung paano mo sasaktan ang sarili mo." He grabbed the helmet that I was holding, "Para naman maramdaman mo rin 'yong pinaranas mo kay Ady."
"En?" Just like that, my attention was caught by him, Ady. " You're with Paul?"
He gave a faint smile while looking at me and Paul na parang na wi-weirdo-han siya na magkasama kami ng kapatid niya.
"Ady, sa opisina ko na kayo magsakitan. Alis muna ako." Paalam ni Paul at umangkas na ulit sa motor niya, he started the engine, hindi ko alam kung saan siya pupunta pero sana huwag na siyang bumalik.
"So, let's go?" Ady motioned towards the building's entrance. Tumango ako and followed him.
Nice place, mukhang maraming nabentang smuggled na motor.
Habang nasa elevator, wala pa ring nagsasalita, mukhang aantayin pa naming makarating kami sa opisina ni Paul. Kinakabahan ba ako? Sobra, na dito pa lang gusto ko ng pag-usapan, gusto ko ng malaman 'yong mga sagot sa tanong ko dahil baka kapag nandun na kami, wala na akong maitanong. At mas natatakot akong, iba na naman ang maisagot ko kesa sa gusto kong sabihin. I look at Ady, his busy doing something on his phone. Gusto ko ring magpanggap na busy sa phone ko pero, huwag na lang, baka mag notes lang ako ng mga sasabihin ko sa kanya mamaya but at the end of the day, wala rin naman akong masasabi sa kanya mula sa ginawa kong pointers.
The elevator stopped on the 9th floor and there, ang kulay orange na office ni Paul. How did I know that it was his? Written in capital letters lang naman ang mga salitang "PAUL'S OFFICE" sa pinto nito in screaming rainbow colors.
"How did you change your mind, just like that?" Ady uttered ng makapasok kami sa office and closed the door.
Close door meeting? That feeling that I knew I went here prepared but now I feel like I wasn't prepared at all. Wala man lang paabiso na, start na nang sakitan ng damdamin, kailangan biglaan, para intense.
"What? Change my mind?" Naguguluhang tanong ko sakanya, what is he talking about?
" But, you know what, I'm thankful that you weren't brave enough that time. Because, if you were then maybe I wouldn't be this happy with Anna."
The scariest part of burying the feelings for too long, nasanay ka na to feel nothing at all kaya kahit nasa harapan mo na, parang hindi pa rin nag si-sink in, kahit na ririnig mo na hindi ka na nasasaktan... hindi pa.
"So, it's official?" My gripped on the string of my bag became too tight, I'm afraid that if I let go, the feelings will also pour out.
That if I let it lose, the regret, the pain, the longing, and my love for him would break the walls, it can't, I can't lose myself just because I found him.
"Yes." His replied sounded happy but choked.
" I'm..." happy for you? Am I? " Congratulations, Ady. "
"Thanks, thank you for pushing me away. For letting me go for reaching your dreams and for choosing your career."
He was about to hold my free hand but I immediately put it inside my pocket. "You must be really happy, En."
" Of course..." not. I smiled proudly as I stare at him blankly. "Losing you and finding myself was the best choice."
He let out a strained laugh, "Or were you already lost when you found me? That when I was ready to give it all up for you, you were on your way to who you could be."
"You knew, I never changed my mind. Have you asked our friends? They're even tired of me, tired of always taking about you, Ady."
"That's why it was your career over me." He run his fingers through his hair.
"Gago ka ba? May girlfriend ka that time, what do you want me to do? I need to step back, Ady, she's our friend. You were even damn lying to her!"
"During that December night, nung nilapitan kita, wala na kami, matagal na, almost a year."
Now his shouting, his frustrated, well, the feelings mutual. I am also frustrated as hell. Nakaka-frustrate na gusto kong maramdaman ngayon 'yong pain but I feel numb and when this moment already elapsed, saka naman mag-si-sink in sa akin lahat. Then parang nandun na naman ako sa moment na 'yon but those things that I've blurted out, it will all feel wrong and I will blame myself because during that moment I should've told him this and that na nung actual hindi ko nagawa.
Self-blame has always been my endgame, kapag hindi naging maganda 'yong turn of events it will always be down to what I've said. That's how myself makes me feel.
"What? Pero hindi mo tinanggi nung pinag-usapan 'yong sa kasal niyo that night."
"Did you even ask me if that was true? Ako na nga 'yong lumapit sa'yo that time to talk about us, I gave you a hint when I greeted you. But I guess, it did not reach your head puro na lang kasi 'yong title mo ang inisip mo."
"So, I needed to ask? You can just let out a blunt no, diba? Yes, I was busy with my title just like how busy you we're winning me over because of that title right?" Inirapan ko siya, "kung hindi naman dahil dun, hindi ka naman maglalakas loob. For what? For better comparison of the past and the present?"
"Before that I asked you out on a date but you turned me down."
"Baka you flirted about a date."
Ady slammed both of his palm on the table, "kung naging tayo, our relationship wouldn't work out. Kaya siguro, hindi naging tayo."
"Bakit pa natin pinag-uusapan 'tong could have been na to?"
He smirked, and let out the words that I needed to hear to feel again, however my heart froze, and the Ady that I loved for eight years looked like a foreign object asking to be slapped by me.
"for the closure, para maka move on ka na, na hindi nagka-roon ng tayo."
Frustration, it will eat you, knowing you have so much to blame each other for the love that has never been but almost worked out.