I sneeze, waking myself up. There's something tickling my nose. I'm guessing it's the hefty amounts of brown fur that I'm sleeping on.
(B) "Hey... where'd this bear come from."
(M) "Well, it was kind of a one sided conversation. I didn't really say much, just heard his thoughts."
"Who're you talking to?"
"Oh, I was talking to Gary, sorry," I nod in understanding, "I'm Mama Bear."
"Oh. Nice to meet you Mama," I scratch my head, "I have a couple more questions I think..."
"Okay! Ask away! And then I'll tell you what Gary's saying!" She turns to Gary, "What's that? Oh, really?! Cool!" She turns back to me, "You can just talk directly to Gary. Do you know how?"
I put a hand up and nod.
"Okay!" She does a thumbs up, I think, "While you're doing that, I'll explain everything that happened."
'I can answer any question you have.'
"Cool. Where are we?"
'We're outside of JASS.'
"What's up with this bear?" Mama keeps explaining.
'It mauled you to death, and is now following us. It is a female.'
"Really? How can you tell?"
'She does not have a baculum.'
"Baculum? Oh," I snap, "That's the penis bone, right?"
(M) "You got that right!" She beams, "Anyway, after you shed your skin-"
'Close enough.'
(B) 'Do you think bears have jokes?'
'Is this one of the questions you had?' I nod vehemently, 'Perhaps. Maybe you should ask the bear instead. I'm not sure about what she is or how she exists. I've never seen a talking bear.'
'Yeah, me neither."
I can't lie, I'm very intrigued. I wonder what a bear thinks is funny. Maybe a spawning salmon that misses its leap, and lands on the flat rock. Does a bear think that's funny? Will I ever know?!
A loud voice comes over some sort of intercom. "No, dude, shut- quit it. Knock it off," I hop off of Mama Bear. "Uh, just a reminder," the voice is very snotty. Like a stereotype nerd voice, "We still have your girl."
Mama stops her explanation, and walks over to my side, "I'll tell you the rest later."
"That's okay."
I can hear some struggling and profanities over the mic.
"Hey," it's Shai. I guess they put her up to the microphone, "I went to investigate and this group of weirdos tied me up. I think they might be Boy Scouts or something."
How kinky.
"We're not Boy Scouts!" I hear from in the background, "We're survivalists!"
"Oh yeah? Then what's all that popcorn for? Huh? The popcorn that's got pictures of Boy Scouts and shit on the bag? Think I didn't-" the mic cuts out.
I turn to Gary, "You guys let her go alone?
(M) "She said she didn't trust Gary, and I didn't want to go because you were sleeping."
(B) "Aww. That's super sweet," I pat her head, "We should go and get her though."
(G) 'How are we going to do that?'
(B) "Well I figure it'd be pretty easy to intimidate someone with a bear and a Gary."
(G) 'I guess so. I'll follow your lead.'
We take the short walk to the restaurant across the street. The letter 'J' on the sign has been removed, so it just says 'ASS'. That's hilarious. I wonder if this is something that's funny to a bear. What is funny to a bear? Two salmon jumping out of the water at the same time and slamming into each other? Is that funny to a bear? Probably make a funny sound at least.
(B) "Hey-"
The door swings open. A bunch of guys walk out, and one of them pushes out one of those rolly chairs. Shai is tied to it.
(S) "Hey."
I wave back.
"If you want her back," the person who seems to be the leader steps forward. He crosses his arms and tilts his head back. He looks Like someone who's trying really hard to look badass. I'll give him some pity points, "Then we'll need an equivalent exchange."
I feign that I'm thinking. Tapping my chin exaggeratedly, looking up and squinting.
"Hey, Shai, what kind of popcorn do they have?"
"Oh my god it's the popcorn holy grail. They have-"
"HEY!" The leader steps forward. He tries to press his forehead to mine. Like they do in fights in the NBA. I step to the side and he stumbles. He regains his composure, "Before we talk about the popcorn, let's make a deal."
(M) "Should I kill this guy?" Mama stands up on her hind legs.
(G) 'Should we?'
(B) "What? No. No, just take it easy. Both of you."
(G) 'Sure...'
(M) "What?!" She drops back to all fours, "Bogus."
"Just maybe... do you think we can talk about the popcorn before we make a deal though?" I ask.
"No, we shall make a deal first," Shai mimics the guy's voice.
"Shu-shut up. Quit mocking me. No popcorn before the de- before we negotiate."
(B) "What about compromise? What if we talk about the popcorn during the deal? Like as part of the deal?" An idea pops into my head, "What if we make a preemptive deal about the deal? A deal that, while we're talking about the deal, we talk about the popcorn too?"
Shai speaks up, "White cheddar, caramel corn-"
"Would you shut up?!"
"Yeah," one of the scrawny guys from the mob speaks up. He kinda fidgets around a bit, and a nervous smile forms on his face, "Bitch."
Shai turns over her shoulder to him, "Easy, big shooter, I think she was talking to you."
Bossman turns around, "She?"
(M) "Is she talking about me?" Bossman turns around to face us.
(B) "No, no, that's a she," I point to bossman.
"No I'm not!" He stomps, "We're supposed to be making a deal."
(B) "Should we test it?"
Bossman tilts his head, "Test what?"
Shai kicks him in the nuts.
He crumples to the ground.
It's hilarious. I wonder if a bear would think so...
Shai undoes the ropes tying her to the chair, "Definitely a guy," she shrugs as she stands up, "We were wrong."
Bossman crawls back to the mob. They're looking around frantically.
(S) "Some Boy Scouts... can't even tie a knot," she walks over to us, "There's sooo much popcorn. We need to get some."
(B) "You thought I was gonna leave without it?"
Bossman reaches out towards the mob, "Gu-gunslinger..." he gasps out.
Each of the mob looks at one another, and a bunch nod.
(S) "Anyway, about this popcorn-"
(B) "Hold on, hold on. I think something cool's about to happen."
(S) "Why's that?"
"My cool meter is going off."
The mob splits down, and like Moses, a broad, very cool figure emerges.
"What'd I tell you?"
(S) "I don't buy it."
As he walks forward, the sound of spurs clinking breaks the silence. He's wearing a brown, dusty bandana, a matching brown cowboy hat, and a poncho type thing. I think it might actually be called a shawl.
(S) "Okay, maybe I buy it. Where's this cool meter of yours?"
I wink, "I'll never tell."
Bossman recovers somewhat, and climbs back up using the rolly chair.
"This is... gun... the gunslinger."
I wave to him. He gives a relaxed salute.
(B) "Okay. What kind of deal are we making."
"Popcorn. Get the popcorn," Shai whispers to me.
Bossman stands up, "No more deal. You all die."
"I mean," I gesture vaguely behind me, "I have a bear and whatever Gary is," Mama stands on her hind legs again, looking around for approval, "You can kill me though if you want. Just me though."
"What?" Shai, Mama, Gary, and bossman ask at the same time. Mama goes back on all fours and looks at me.
Shai has a bit of an angrier tone, "You can't be serious."
"They're not actually gonna do it," I whisper.
The gunslinger pulls out his guns. Two. Guns. He's dual wielding. How sick!
"Yeah, just kill me. If that'll help you move on, go ahead. These guys won't attack you either. They promise."
I hear a loud crack, and my vision goes black.
Damn. I was bluffing. I didn't think that he would actually shoot me. I didn't even think the guns were real!
~~~
KROOH-
Well, Bright died again.
"I just- I just shot a kid," the gunslinger gives his guns a spin, then holsters them. He rubs his chin, "He told me to, though."
(Bossman) "What are you doing? Get the rest of them."
"Nah, I kinda don't want to," the gunslinger pulls his guns out, spins them around again, and re-holsters them, "I feel really bad about it."
(S) "Wha- you- haaaah..."
And Shai's panicking, a fair reaction.
(M) "Oh- right- everybody look away. This part is REALLY gross."
Shai is hyperventilating, staring at the corpse.
'Ms. Shai, you're going to want to look away now.'
"Huh?!" She faces me, "Wha- wah wah- what did you- wah-"
'He can't die.'
"Wah waah Huh aiiiii-?"
"Oh god!"
"Yuck!"
"HURK-"
Shai and I look over to the commotion, then she turns to where the crowd is pointing.
Bright's body has begun molting once again.
"OhHh ho- huh- JESUS."
(M) "I told you all NOT to look," Mama blocks the metamorphosis from everyone's view. She recoils a bit, "Ow! I think one of his eyes shot up and hit me."
I can hear some more retching. I should wipe their memories of this.
I change states, dispersing out as plasma.
I'm sure you're wondering how I can wipe people's memories. Well, it's actually quite- eh, I actually don't really want to explain it right now. Let's just say I've been around for a long time. The fact that I'm aware of you in the first place should tell you that I'm- as you might say- built different. If you want to attribute it to lazy writing, that'd probably be a more realistic explanation than, "I'm a cool science alien."
I'm able to erase the more disgusting memories from everyone but the gunslinger. When I tried, I basically just got an error message. That's never happened before.
I tried to erase Mama's memory of the molting, but that didn't work either. I suppose I'll have to look into it more at a later date.
After the mob has long since departed, and Bright has finished molting, the gunslinger approaches us.
"Uh... I don't know exactly what's going on... but would you all like to come inside?"
The leader speaks up, "Hey, wai-"
"I'd love to come in!" Mama interrupts, "Do you have any food?" She starts walking forward.
"Yeah we've got some. What do you eat?"
"Just about anything!"
The leader raises a finger, trying to speak again, "I don't-"
"Hey, Mama," Shai interrupts, "have you ever had popcorn?"
"Maybe... what's it like?" They all walk inside.
'Excuse me,' I communicate with their leader, who stands staring at the others walking in. He jumps back, and looks around, 'I'm the big monster.'
"Wha? Why are you all so weird?! Would you get out of my head already?!" He smacks his head a couple times, and I watch as he runs off somewhere.
I scoop up Bright, and make my way inside.
~~~
After entering JASS and following the gunslinger to a room we could stay in, I snuck off on my own to find the stash of popcorn. Keep a low profile, you know. And, honestly, the popcorn selection is kind of disappointing, now that I'm seeing it again. I talked all that hype about this, but...
Don't get me wrong, popcorn's popcorn- especially Boy Scout popcorn- but it's just the basic stuff. It's good, but I was just... expecting more, I guess.
"Um..." one of the kids from the mob is shuffling around behind me. I turn to him, and toss some popcorn in my mouth, "We were trying to save that popcorn."
"Oh. Now I feel kinda bad," I fold the top of the bag down to close it.
"Well, it's okay for that one. You already opened it, so you can just have it."
"You sure?" He nods.
"You know, you're surprisingly polite-" he freezes, "I mean- I didn't mean to-"
I laugh, "Relax, relax. I was only rude earlier because I was in the worse position. The balls-kicking was out of *necessity*," I clarify, "Here," I open up the bag, "want some?"
He looks at me. I nod, and he grabs a couple, "Thank you."
"No need to thank me, it's your popcorn," I pop one in my mouth, "Sorry we got off on the wrong foot- I'm not too good with first impressions."
"Well that's alright. You see, a lot of us aren't great socially… in general," he gestures behind him to a bunch of people leaning around the corner. They dart back when they realize I'm looking at them.
A laugh escapes on accident, "You guys were really scared of me, huh?" He laughs awkwardly. I roll up the bag, "Well, I'll just have to ration this bag out. While we're talking, tell me a little about yourself," someone coughs behind me.
"Uh, that's okay," he rubs his neck.
"Ah, getting sick of me," I joke. Another cough comes behind me, louder now, "That's alright, I'll-" I'm interrupted by another cough.
"Excuse me," I turn to face the cougher. It's the head douche, "I would like to talk to you."
"Is it important?" I ask.
"Yes," he taps his foot.
I turn to the other guy, and start to talk. He puts a hand up, and gestures me to go with the boss.
He takes me into what looks like a kitchen, and leans back on one of the big metal counters.
"I think you could understand why I could be upset right now."
I shrug, "Sure, but I kinda saw it as equivalent exchange."
"Exchange for what, exactly?"
"Well, you tied me up without telling me why."
"You were trespassing."
"So did you have to grope me and stuff too while you were doing it? That was kind of weird."
"It's a free country. Like reallllly free."
"Sure, but that doesn't mean you can take the moral high ground. I'm 17, by the way."
"So?"
"Yikes."
"Whatever. This is my land, and you were trespassing."
"Didn't see a sign that said I couldn't come in. Only sign is the one that says ASS. And, by the way it didn't bother me that much, but it might've really traumatized someone else."
"Well..." he shrugs in exasperation, "Whatever, whether you were or were not trespassing doesn't matter anymore."
"So then why'd you bring it up? Does it only not matter because I called you out?"
He ignores me, "I think we should work out a deal to... make amends."
"You really have a thing for deals, huh?"
"I guess I do. I've been thinking of a proper way for you to repay me..."
Creep, "Oh? What's that?"
"Well, you damaged me down there, so I was thinking..."
Major creep, "Yes?"
"I was thinking, you could pay me in sexual favors."
So he just out and said it. The audacity. Ultra creep, "I like the way you think," I feign flirting, and move closer, "But you remember that thing about equivalent exchange?"
"Ah-" he's nervous now. Didn't think you'd get this far? Or are you just remembering that I'm 17, "Wha- what do you mean?"
"Well... you tied me up earlier," I walk past him, and grab a chair. I motion for him to sit in it.
He does, "So, are you going to tie me up?"
"Mmm... a blindfold'll do," I throw my shirt at him, "Hurry it up. And make sure you can't see~"
He has the blindfold on within seconds.
"Hey, can I ask you something?" I take a step back.
"Uh, sure. What is it?"
I take another step back, "Are you into CBT?" Another step back.
"Uh, what's that?" Another step. I'm backed against the wall.
"We'll test it out right now~"
"Oh, okay," I get a running start, "What is it?"
I lead with both feet, directly into his balls. A missile drop kick of the most deadly variety.
~~~
Now, I wonder... will I come back this time? It's taking a bit longer than-
Oop. No, there we go. I'm back awake. Gary, Mama, and the gunslinger are all next to me.
"Are we in a Buffalo Wild Wings?"
'No, this is JASS,' Gary replies promptly. It's like he's gotten used to this already, 'The gunslinger felt bad after shooting you, so he escorted us in.'
"Him too, eh? You're sure this isn't Bdubs?" Gary nods.
"So you really weren't lying," the gunslinger turns around towards me, "He can't die?"
"Three times," I hold up three fingers, "I haven't died when I was supposed to three separate times."
"So then you can't die."
"Maybe. To be honest I don't really want to die anymore though."
"But if you're immortal..."
"I don't even know if I am immortal though. I could just be really lucky. What if I only got three? Or nine? Like a cat."
"Well... uhh... after you died..."
"What?"
"You kind of... molted."
"Cats don't molt."
There's a little bit of a pause. The gunslinger shuffles a bit, "Sometimes they do," he mutters.
"What? Really?"
"I'd rather not talk about it."
That's weird.
"Weird..." I scratch my head, "So what happened after I died?"
"Well, you molted."
"I meant after that. Like why are you here?" I ask him.
"Just felt bad I guess. Kinda realised the implications of everything I've done so far... Hit me pretty hard."
"I couldn't imagine," I scratch my cheek. Not really sure how to navigate this situation.
"Well at least you feel bad," Mama speaks up, "That means you're still human."
"Exactly," I snap, "You have your humanity."
"Can I really say that though?" He looks into his open palms.
"I dunno man. That's up to you to figure out."
There's silence for a second. Maybe that wasn't a good idea.
"I mean, I might be able to help if you tell me a little-"
"I was a landlord a while ago. When jobs, money, and status mattered. And I wasn't one of the good landlords either," he sighs, "I put so many people who were in need out on their asses. A bunch of them were junkies and the like, but I still feel like... I feel like there was another way... you know?"
"You wish that you would've helped them."
"Exactly! I feel so awful about that. Especially when someone who I could tell had potential couldn't make rent. Y'know? Bright kids who had nothing. Kids who just couldn't catch a break to save their lives."
"That happen a lot?"
"Not really. Only a handful. But still, it stings. It feels worse than having to kill someone," I tilt my head, "These days at least. It's a lot different than before all these monsters and stuff," he turns to Gary, "No offense or anything."
"Are you numb to killing? Like you don't feel anything afterward?"
"I've only had to kill to survive. Kill for food, stuff like that. That's different than killing just to kill. On the other hand, I didn't have to kick those people out for my own survival. I only had to so I could get more money."
"I don't think you had to kill me to survive."
"No, but you told me to."
Damn! My bluff was terrible. He actually thought I just wanted to die.
"Besides," he continues, "People will do anything if they're starving, dehydrated, crazy, or all of the above. At some point, I've been all of the above."
"Huh-"
"And you can add horny to that list."
"Cool.."
This conversation has navigated to a place that makes me uncomfortable. I never got how people could be so casual about talking about stuff like that with strangers.
"By the way, where's Shai?" I ask the room.
(M) "She went with that little guy."
"Which little guy?"
"The one she kicked in the balls earlier," the bear says while laughing.
So it was funny! Bears think people getting hit in the balls is funny too! I make a mental note. Getting back on track though, that guy wasn't little. But I guess all humans are little to a bear.
"Is he cool now?"
The gunslinger scratches his cheek, "Ehhh..."
'No, he is not. I believe they are in the main kitchen, if you would like to investigate.'
'Can you show me there?'
He nods. A large chunk separates itself from his body, and it forms a mini Gary.
'Just follow that.'
The little Gary adorably waddles out of the room. Little Gary guides me through the restaurant, and points to a big metal door. Well, it's a normal-sized metal door, but in comparison to little Gary, it is a very big metal door.
I wonder if a bear would think this is funny. The contrast between regular Gary and little Gary, and, furthermore, the contrast between little Gary and the world around him. I wonder...
The door swings open, and Shai storms out. Bossman is writhing on the floor.
"Whaa," she mutters as we walk past each other. I wave.
She turns back and starts following me.
I grab the door as it's swinging shut, and walk inside the room.
"Why's he all squirmy like that?" The bossman is rolling around on the floor, moaning in pain.
"What do you think?"
"Something to do with his balls and your foot?" Shai nods proudly, "This some kind of fetish?"
Her face turns into a scowl, "You wish! I bet it's yours."
"Shu-shut the fuck-fuck up," bossman stutters out, "My balls-ss are dead and you're bantering?!!"
"You really kicked him good, huh? He's frothing at the mouth."
The proud look comes back as she puts her hands on her hips, "You bet! If there's one thing I can do, it's kicking guys in the nuts."
"Why though?"
"Because it's the easiest way to crush them," she places her fist in her palm.
"I'm glad you haven't kicked me yet."
"Well 's because I don't see you as a man."
"I'm relieved," I crouch down and point at bossman, "but I meant why him specifically? What's your problem with him?"
"Well the bigger they are, the harder they fall."
I tilt my head in confusion, "Do you mean...?" I lower my finger to point at his crotch.
Shai breaks out into laughter.
"Just let me fucking die!" Bossman yells out. Shai is still in hysterics.
"Easy, easy," I get up, and push Shai out of the room. On my way back, I grab some ice, "Here," I put it on the ground next to him.
He stops writhing for a second, and looks at me, "Fuck's this?"
"It's just ice. Why you swearing so much?"
"My balls are. Fucking. Dead! My balls have died."
"Fair enough," I sit down next to him. He takes the ice, and utilises it.
"So why're you here. Bad cop, good cop?" He asks.
"My dad was a cop."
There's a silence.
"...What?"
"What?"
"What the hell does that have to do with anything?"
"Just talking, man. And no it's not good cop, bad cop. Not intentionally at least..." there's another long silence, "Was it really that weird for me to say that?"
"Well yeah, when it's completely unrelated to the conversation," he shifts around, "Weirded me out. Like I didn't ask for your life story."
"Yeah I know.. just kinda-"
"And I don't really care either," he looks away with a bored expression, "I don't really like you all."
"I have a bear, would you rather talk to the bear? Maybe the big monster guy? Relative to what could be happening I would say you have it pretty good."
He's slowly backing up. Now that I realize it, I've been inching closer to him.
"Sorry," he scooches away from me after I stop, "I just got offended."
"I still don't care. Leave me alone."
"Alright, alright, I get it," I get up, "I'll-"
"God, I can't fucking deal with you people," he sighs and shakes his head.
"What's your deal, dude?"
"You ever been kicked in the nuts?"
"Of course I have."
"Well it's happened to me 12 times. TWELVE!" He points at me. He's got a real angry look on his face, "It's like she's only capable of aiming for the balls."
"Wouldn't surprise me. She's different than most people I've met. Also wouldn't surprise me if you did something to deserve it."
"Didn't ask you."
Tough crowd.
I get up for real this time, "You obviously don't want to talk to me, so I'll go."
"Thank fuck."
"Just know that you're not doing yourself any favors."
"I wish you would die."
Was I the one who had him shot? I was just trying to be nice. Whatever. I'll just let him suffer alone. If Shai were to return to what she was doing, I wouldn't complain. She doesn't strike me as the kind of person to do something like that without reason.
I'm gonna check out this popcorn situation I've heard so much about.