The fog inside his mind clung like a second skin, wet and static. The sensation sent shocks through his system, making every part of him tingle and buzz.
Harry thought he had worked out the difference between dreams and memories by now; perhaps he was wrong. Some dreams would be calm and soothing, like the soft patter of rain on dry land; others would be pain, only pain, like acid rain on a burning landscape, or a peal of laughter that would haunt him and the sensation of being held in place, either physically or with magic. He was always trapped, whether literally or in a chasm of despair.
It was killing him, worse than he´d ever died before - and he could now say confidently that he'd died three times. Yet, it still was not death he was afraid of, it was this feeling that was eating him away, the sense of not being able to stand straight and be everywhere and nowhere at the same time.
Suddenly, it was as if the ground beneath his feet had been swept away, his sore body still slammed down on a hard surface. Harry tried to regain his balance, but he couldn't find out how.
There had been no gradual shift between his sleeping and waking state. Harry stared at the unknown ceiling, waiting for it to come crashing down on him. It never came. He turned his head to the side and looked at the window and the light only barely coming through the curtain.
So, this hadn't been a dream. He had found Loki. They had fought against the mad titan and won. After so long waiting, everything happened all at once, and Harry felt completely and utterly drained.
He carefully probed at the bond with Loki, checking to see that he was still there. He was, but the wall was still up, and Harry couldn't get through to him.
Harry groaned as he pushed himself into a sitting position; his whole body was sore, screaming in protest at his action. Uncaring, Harry went to what he believed to be the bathroom, and relieved himself before slowly making his way towards the shower.
He had used too much magic in such a short period of time, and as expected, it had taken its toll on both his body and his mind. Harry was pretty sure that Hermione would have made him see a healer - or a muggle doctor if she were desperate enough - as his whole body ached with every single movement.
Therefore, it was a good thing that Hermione wasn't there. It was easy for Harry to get away with his sore body and probably magic exhaustion that way, and after sleeping for 16 hours straight and taking a warm shower, he felt slightly more human anyway.
He walked out of the bathroom, towel hanging low on his hips, showing a lean and well-toned body, while he used another, smaller towel to dry his long hair. It had finally decided to stop growing and was now reaching just below his shoulder blades.
It no longer bothered him how androgynous he looked; he had accepted it as a change in his heritage and something that came with his title as master of death, as Death has no gender.
Harry shuffled over to the window and looked at the fading light shining its last hour over Manhattan's buildings. He was so high up that the other skyscrapers couldn't block the magnificent view. It almost felt like he could reach the sky if he tried. Now, if only he could find the courage to speak to Loki. He wanted to give the god the space he had asked for. Harry huffed and ran his fingers through his damp hair, making the long strands fall messily around his shoulders.
At least he was still in the building.
Harry pulled on a pair of clean clothes from the closet, hoping they were put there for any visiting guest. He left the room pulling on the too-big sweater and deciding to skip socks entirely.
His feet felt cold against the tiled floor that led him out into the hallway; he quickly glanced at the door to the room where Loki was staying, but didn't stop outside it, continuing on down the hallway to a large living room that was cozy but stylishly decorated. Freshly picked flowers adorned an elegant vase on a massive, glass, coffee, table.
Harry continued into the kitchen and searched the fridge, he was hungry, but at the same time, nothing attracted him. He sighed and closed the fridge door again before walking back into the hallway.
He stood in the pleasantly lit corridor, feeling the emptiness creep inside his tired body. The invisible hand around his heart grabbed the organ and squeezed it tightly. It felt as if the walls were getting closer, and the air suddenly felt too thick for him to pull down into his lungs. With a loud pop, he disappeared from the scene, only to appear on the roof of the massive building.
The wind tore at his large clothes, and he took a deep breath and squeezed his hands together as he tried to calm down his racing heart. His head pounded, and he felt almost faint; whether it was from lack of oxygen or relief, he didn't know.
His vision was swirling, and the sensation of his knees buckling beneath him forced him to sit down on the roof and take one breath after another, letting the feeling of the wind fill him up. Harry closed his eyes and let the exhaustion come over him like a black blanket yet again, but he didn't fall asleep.
After several eventful days, the city seemed to have recovered fast enough as night descended. Twinkling lights flickered to life in every corner and house, clinging to the darkness around it like speckled raindrops dripping down a window pane. It transformed the damaged city into a sea of stars, lights, sounds, and cars, with all its people breathing life into the city itself. So, what if the building was damaged? The city didn't sleep, it wouldn't wait.
It was so different from back home in Britain.
A cold breeze pulled past him and played with his now tousled hair, a slow, heavy weight sinking into his gut. He sighed and tried to relax his mind, making it a blank slate, and then gently asking his mind to provide him with a happy memory. However, what came to his mind was nothing from his life; it was from Harald's time; he shook his head. It didn't matter, he tried to tell himself as he let the memory fill him up, the tingling sensation traveling down his arms as the corporal wolf leaped out of his hand. Trotting around and looking for danger but finding none, he trotted back to Harry and let his snout butt against his cheek.
"Hi there," Harry smiled, stroking the magical wolf's head, slightly sad that it no longer represented prongs. Yet, it showed how he indeed had changed. "Would you mind taking a message to Ron and Hermione? They're probably freaking out by now." The wolf raised its massive head and snorted, and Harry smiled.
"Everything is all right, I have Loki, and we won. I'm sorry, but I have to ask you to stay away for a while until we can be sure. Look at it as a holiday and enjoy yourself. I'll be in touch as soon as I know more." With that, the wolf licked his hand before it started to run away with its message, searching for his friends, and Harry was again by himself.
He let the night wrap him in a soft blanket of darkness and leave him alone with his thoughts. Harry dragged an hand roughly through his hair again, a habit that he would probably have to force out of himself as it only made his hair a mess.
Why did all this have to happen to him? Was his life not enough? Why hadn't his happy memories from his life been enough? There were so many thoughts swirling inside of him.
Even if Loki had refused to look at him in the end, the connection was still there. He knew that Loki was suspicious of everything inside of him right now. He still did not fully know what was real, and Harry understood that, but that didn't make it better.
So, Harry had done the next best thing, removed himself for the time being until the god could sort out his thoughts and feelings. Perhaps not the best idea, but he also needed time and space to think, as he hadn't had the chance to do that since this whole thing started.
Had it really only a month since it all had started? It felt so much longer. Was this what reincarnation was like? Would his memories and those of Harald's forever jump around and battle for who he was? Harry or Harald, Harald or Harry, every time he looked at Loki, he was overwhelmed with warm feelings and needs that could only be summed up as love.
He didn't know how to react to this whole thing.
Bloody hell, he was screwed because a small part of him knew that Loki was his soul mate, he was allowed to feel everything Harald had, yet he felt like he was cheating on the whole courting and getting to know each other thing.
Harry dragged a hand through his hair, listening to the sound of honking cars and people yelling. His memories were like enormous puzzles. Yes, some of the complex bits had started to slot together inside his mind, but there were still many pieces scattered at the edges and he had no idea how to place them. Those fragmented pieces felt alien to him, they didn't feel like his own memories. Did he have the right to feel like this?
For a moment, the landscape in front of him seemed to blur and waver into a whole other setting; different faces popped up that he could no longer quite recognise. Briefly, he even thought that he could hear the soft, pooling sound of water, and bright green eyes looking up at him with trust and adoration, and it ached.
That was not his life. It was not him that Loki had fallen for, and it was evident that Loki felt the same. He probably didn't want to be close to Harry because he knew he wasn't Harald. Harry understood, but all the feelings and memories inside him disagreed.
He didn't want to be anyone's replacement, yet was that all he was meant to be? He still was Harry Potter, son of Lily and James Potter. He tried to swallow around the lump in his throat, but it didn't want to budge. He refused to see that all he could amount to, was a replacement for someone long gone.
Pain suddenly shot through him like a bolt from the sky, and his whole body stopped working for a second as everything became blank before the overwhelming pain made his vision break in two, and his head exploded in agony. Harry felt his body try to get some air down his lungs, but it didn't work; nothing worked.
It was like his vision paused for a second, and then he saw everything tilt to the side as he started to fall, but before he could hit the roof or roll off, someone caught him, and the panicked look of Loki came into his vision. He could see the man's hands touch his face, but he couldn't feel it at the moment as it felt like he had been split apart.
"..ase....n… ple…."
His vision was blurry. He could swear that the spinning in his head had stopped. He blinked, trying to focus on the green dots above him and the warm finger against his cheek. It was hard; he felt so cold and detached from himself. He felt as though his soul had left his body and was watching as a separate party.
The electric pulses were back all over his skin, tickling every nerve. However, the soft, warm touch of his love kept him grounded as his vision began to clear, and he stared at his soulmate's face.
Loki hugged Harry so hard against his own body he could hardly breathe, refusing to let go of him. Harry felt his body slowly start returning, and he choked on the air as the pain broke off, as if it had never been there. He breathed heavily as he lay limp in Loki's arms, feeling trembling fingers dig into his scalp and something wet sipping down his neck.
"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, please don't leave me again," Loki pleaded and burrowed his face in to Harry's neck. It was then that Harry noticed that Loki was shaking like a leaf in the wind. The wetness he felt was tears.
"Lo-ki?" He swallowed hard, "- what?"
Loki did not answer, he only hugged Harry even closer than he had before. His embrace soothed the ache in Harry's soul.
"Loki?" Harry murmured again as he raised a hand before suddenly stopping, he didn't dare to touch the other man. Loki didn't seem to notice his hesitation, quickly grabbing his hand and pressing it to his cheek.
"Don't ever do that again, not ever, please," Loki whispered brokenly, "I-I can't…. not again, -never- again."
Harry stared up at him, confused, he had no idea what had happened. Somehow, his confusion must have leaked through their connection, because Loki answered him.
"You… you disappeared for a second, you…. were gone again," Loki breathed out as Harry frowned, gone? "It was like...like… the bond was broken, and I-I could not feel you. "
Loki gripped Harry's hand firmly and kissed the inside of his arm, directly over the flowers that crawled up to his shoulders. Harry blinked in surprise over how the flowers seemed to move, responding to Loki's affection with shy adoration.
Loki sighed, leaning his forehead against Harry's, and refused to let go of the smaller man. Whatever had just happened, it scared Loki, and honestly, it scared Harry too. That pain...was like his very soul tearing apart.
"We have to get you to Asgard right now," Loki whispered, voice still thick with panic. "Healer...you must see a healer..."
"I'm okay, Loki, really," Harry said as he released the other man. Loki cradled him now, one of his hands deep in his hair, and the other around his middle, not letting him go.
"I can't lose you again," Loki said brokenly.
"And you will not, I promise," Harry said, allowing himself to melt into the embrace, Loki's head still burrowed in to his neck. Could he even die? Harry wondered; he was the master of death. Perhaps next time he met the deity, he would ask them.
Harry looked down at his arms and traced the soft blue flowers. In the darkness, they almost looked ethereal as they had a faint silver shimmer whilst they moved in the light breeze. As though his body was soil, they grew and interacted with the outside world independently.
Harry let the silence come over him as he rested against Loki's warm body, his frame melting into the older one's like he was made to be there; he probably was. However, could he wish for Loki to love him? He was only partly the person who Loki had married.
He was no longer Harald, and yet, Harald was a part of him - perhaps that was what Harry could not accept. Harald had everything, and he had thrown it away so easily. The pain throbbed again in his soul, and Harry hissed softly as he closed his eyes.
Loki bit his lip, but Harry patted his hand; it was nothing.
'I'm… sorry.'
Harry looked up at Loki, who was now staring down at him. 'For… shutting you out… I...' He sighed. 'I could not believe you were real, and my mind is still so scrambled that I don't know what to think.'
Harry was silent as he looked over the city below them while Loki continued, 'I know that H- ' Loki took a deep breath 'That Harald is dead, yet he is you, and you -are- him.'
Silence filled the space between them for several heartbeats before Harry cupped the other man's cheek, forcing him to look up.
'...perhaps you are right,'
Harry breathed out, there were only two choices someone could take in a challenging situation: to change the outcome, or accept what had happened and move on. Harry started to get what he could not change: Harald was his past, whether he liked it or not, as his soul knew this for a fact and craved Loki's present to balance his own.
'Perhaps... we can go with the flow? see where this leads us, there is no need to force us to be something that we are not.' Silence filled the space between them, and for a second, Harry was afraid that Loki would decide against it.
'I would like that' The words were so low that Harry first almost missed them. He knew that they needed to talk some more, there was so much between them, so much history and sorrow, and somehow Harry felt they needed to take a new step forward.
He was no longer only Harald; he had another life, another set of memories, and family. Hopefully, Loki was willing to forgive him. Slowly - very slowly - he sat up, and as he did, he felt more alive than he had ever done before, more aware of his own living body and mind. His heart was pounding fiercely in his chest as he now took a good look at his other.
Loki's clothes were dirty and rumpled, and his hair was a royal mess, like the rest of him. Yet, nothing of that mattered as their eyes met. A suffocating feeling ebbed out from Loki, and Harry noticed that Loki's hands were trembling at his side as if he were still afraid.
"It is all right," Harry told him in a low voice, trying to sound reassuring for both himself and Loki.
Was he even worth this chance? Was he even worthy of Loki's affection or love? Was this even real? Who knows what waited for them in the future...
Loki answered the flood of questions inside Harry with a short, harsh laugh, full of bitterness and sharpness that made Harry wince, expecting the worst yet still hoping for something else.
"You really are Harald's reincarnation," Loki suddenly said out loud, shaking his head as he walked a few steps away, having both felt and heard some of Harry's thoughts. "Thinking everything is your fault, and you are not worthy of me."
Harry smiled a little, "Hello pot, meet kettle."
Loki huffed low in amusement before a low broken laugh escaped him: it was true.
" But are you sure?" Loki sighed as he let go of Harry, putting more distance between them as he spoke in a more Sirius tone.
"Of what?" Harry asked, slightly confused.
"I'm not whom I used to be. I am only going to drag you down and destroy you, the same way that everything is destroyed under my touch." Everything will be taken away from him, he will lose everything he holds dear, and Odin will never let him see the daylight ever again. Of that, Loki was sure, he was a monster, a killer. Harry reached forward and took hold of his chin.
"Stop with that thinking," Harry pleaded softly. "I can't expect you to be the same, as I'm not. So many things have happened since we last saw each other, too much, and time has passed for both of us." He forced Loki to look into his eyes, and Harry felt his heart beat harder against his already bruised rib cage.
"But here, right now, looking into your eyes, feeling what you are feeling, I still see the man I love. This is all so confusing, even for me. I am not Harald; I have had a whole new life. I have been through war, watched people I love die before me, I have been hunted for simply existing and I have died for another cause."
Loki opened his mouth to protest, but Harry silenced him again with his hands over his lips, a very effective way to shut him up. "I have also killed, Loki." He stroked his thumb over his cheek as he continued; he could not keep his hand off of him.
"Neither of us is the same, and I know this. But even after all this time, I still remember, and even if both of our memories are scrambled, there is one thing I know: after all this time, my heart still belongs to you and only you."
Loki pushed his hand away and grabbed the back of Harry's head, sealing Harry's lips with his own, making Harry gasp as a pleasant feeling tingled over his mouth.
"Why are you always so good with words?" Loki asked, pulling slightly back, his lips still grazing Harry's lips as he spoke, sending shivers down his spine.
"It's a gift," Harry chuckled as he tried to get his quick breathing under control, leaning his head against Loki's shoulder as the older man was still towering over him. He took a deep breath of Loki's unique smell: electricity, leather, and books.
Loki's arm tightened around his hips, making it almost impossible to get away, not that he wanted to. He could feel a warm breath against his throat as Loki's breath was as fast as his own, making a new tingling journey down his body, but this time in excitement.
It filled him with an unexpected lust, not to mention a need he had never felt before. It was like he could not get enough of this feeling as he finally had found it again, like a drug he was forever addicted to. A voice from the ceiling interrupted before anything could happen, making both men draw apart and stand battle-ready within seconds.
"I'm sorry to interrupt your reunion," the polite and somewhat British voice said from somewhere around them, "But Boss would want me to remind you about no funny business on top of his tower, and I will quote - it is unfair for the villain to get laid tonight as he has destroyed half of Manhattan, so go to bed before the pirate notices that his guests are out of their rooms- "
Harry felt his face get hotter and hotter as he buried it in his hand; he should have known they were being watched even on the roof. Loki sent the ceiling an amused look before shrugging.
"Oh? If he wants to look, he is welcome to do just that."
"Loki!"
"What?" The god answered, amused, before reconsidering, "But on the other hand, your body is only for me to see…." He hummed as his eyes raked over Harry's lithe frame, making him feel like he was being undressed with only a gaze. "I'm sorry, my dear, sadly we probably need to wait a little bit longer for our reunion. "
Harry opened his mouth several times before groaning as the heat in his cheeks traveled down his throat, and he probably was as red as the Weasleys' hair. "You are impossible!"
"Thank you."
"That was not a compliment."
"Sure, it was."
Harry chuckled and shook his head as the playful banner came as naturally to them as it had done before. It was a wonderful feeling that filled Harry, like nothing could go wrong if they only stayed together. Whatever tomorrow would bring them, and whatever Odin would say when they stood in front of him, they would face it together.
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