After Ashton and I decided that next time we get together, we would actually finish the project later. Ashton offered to drive me home, this time I would actually tell him my address once we got in the car.
Unlike last time.
It had been about ten minutes of complete silence with no radio on and a bunch of trees passing by. Or the car passing the trees and city lights.
I look over at Ashton and see his eyes glued to the road, but his mind is somewhere else.
After reading the writing on his guitar, a feeling of guilt and concern had washed over my entire body. His mom is dead, and here I was seating in his car only because I wanted to win a bet made by a couple of idiots.
Pathetic isn't it?
And that's that it was. Pathetic. When I first accepted this bet I had no feelings or emotions that were even the slightest bit of care. Now I'm rethinking things. I didn't want to play someone whose mom passed, that was already hard as it is.
I mean, I could imagine life without my mom. As impertinent as that sounds, it was truthful. Coming from a person who lies and lives on secrets, that was honest.
But I could. My mom treated me like an accessory at times, even when she tried to be benign. In reality, she pressured me a lot and never realized. I was just waiting for her eyes to be opened.
One day. I tell myself.
A day that'll never come as long as my imperfectness shines over my figure.
My head turns back to the window, but my eyes try to sneak a glance at Ashton's expression. Thoughts. I see from the reflection of the window a bit of him. Mostly myself since I'm closer, but since a red light glistens over the front of the car, it's easier to see him and spot an expression.
Blank.
I sigh quietly to myself as I continue looking out the window. Because the light turned green, Ashton drove off and all I could see through the window was myself, and the other side of the window.
"Ashton," my mouth spits out, but I didn't intend to say his name or anything for that matter.
He doesn't turn his head. Like a good driver, he keeps his gaze on the road, but I can tell his eyes are somewhere else as is his mind. "Hm?" Is all he says.
I bite the inside of my lip, thinking of something to say, and an interesting thought finds its way to my mouth.
"Why do you race?" I ask, and when I turn my head to look at him I see him start to think of something since his eyes start traveling downwards.
"I mean, you could have picked any other career choice that didn't involve the cops trying to scout you out." I quickly added, forcing a laugh to try to get him too.
He doesn't. Just continues to stare at the road, his gaze lower than it should be. It takes Ashton awhile, I couldn't tell whether he was contemplating whether to answer the question or ignore it. And if he were to answer it, would it be truthful.
"I have to."
It wasn't a straight up answer, but I didn't necessarily think it was a lie. More of a half truth if that even qualifies. I wasn't expecting him to answer after the first five minutes of waiting for a response that I assumed wouldn't come.
"You have to?" I raise an eyebrow at him, I know he can see even though it's dark, and he can't let his gaze leave the road. "Have is a strong word." I mumble, loud enough for him to hear.
I search for a sudden change in his body language or expression, but nothing changes. Frowning, I wait for him to answer even though I think he won't.
"Better than no career." he responds, his gaze refusing to leave the road.
I spook too soon.
I'm stunned at his response, and can't find the words to say to try to lighten the mood. I think of a joke, but I'm afraid it'd give him the wrong impression. I don't want him to think I can't take things seriously because that's all I seem to do.
One major thing I know about love and relationships is hiding your self and masking it won't attract that person. They'll only thing you're being fake which will lead on building the relationship strictly on lies. That's the last thing I want.
I'd have to put aside the fake persona I started off with and try to embrace myself, I was only nervous about opening up and working on the emotional parts.
If I was going to win this bet in less than two months, I would really have to work on trust and communication. I always struggled with that even during the times I was getting closer to my friends and the beginning of our friendship.
But it was mostly them, not me. I had problems with talking about feelings and being empathic. If anything, my friends were the ones building the relationship.
Maybe that's why my ex and I never worked out. I was relying on him to fix the mistakes in the relationship because he knew I couldn't. That's what my problem was. I was too dependent on people back then.
Unfortunately, the other several problems revolved around the fact that it was mostly a no-strings attached relationship, disappointing isn't it.
Every time I thought we were getting somewhere, we ended up losing our track on the road. And we both thought that fixing that would be staying on that spot and moving backwards while losing ourselves through each other.
In other words, we'd sleep together.
Not my proudest moment, neither do I think I was right to go for him. He didn't do relationships, we never established that we were boyfriend and girlfriend and I remember a part of me being okay with that since I wasn't ready for a relationship either.
But I don't think he didn't want a relationship. He just didn't do relationships, it wasn't his thing.
There wasn't any emotional part of our whatever we were since I don't believe it was a relationship. We would use each other to get our minds off something, and not talk to each other afterwards until a problem came up and one of us needed the other to get our mind off it.
That was how it played out. Ignore, have sex, ignore, have sex, question what we were, fight, ignore, try to get by the problem by having sex. We never talked about feelings, and we built the "relationship" solely on physical attraction and the need to forget.
We were the drug of the addiction. The lighter of the cigarette. The alcohol of the whiskey.
We were two souls who misinterpreted the meaning of love and beyond its existence.
I put my thoughts aside and look over at Ashton. He's still staring at the road, even though it's a red light. I clear my throat, getting his attention and his head turns to face mine.
Our eyes meet and I think of the next words I'm about to say carefully. "You just don't want to talk about it, correct?" I prompt, hoping he'll respond truthfully and nothing, but the truth. Ashton seems to have a way with responding things with a sly lie or a half truth.
He doesn't believe in straight up answers.
He nods and turns his head back to the road when we both notice the light switch to green. I'm satisfied with the fact he responded, I'm not satisfied with the fact he doesn't want to open up.
I wouldn't blame him, we got off on a nasty start and it was strange how my attitude changed just like that. And for what, because I wanted us to be partners for a project I could have finished on my own? There's no reason for him not to be suspicious about my behavior.
I could cover up with a lie and he would still see right though me. He was a walking lie detector, that's for sure. Couldn't decide whether I liked that someone could see through my bullshit or annoyed.
How about both?
"You don't seem like you enjoy talking about yourself, specifically your thoughts either." He calls me out and I lift my gaze up, staring at him as he's glued to the road ahead of us.
"Can't disagree with that," I mutter under my breath, intending to say that on my head instead, but luckily Ashton doesn't hear me.
"Well it's kind of obvious with how quiet you seem."
I was wrong, I generally thought he couldn't hear me. My reply was practically inaudible, yet this guy had ears better than a parent in a conference. Specifically mine.
"How is it that obvious?" I ask, realizing how ignorant and naïve I sound.
Ashton had the nerve to laugh, and then glanced over at me quickly before returning his gaze back on the road. "You ask me questions and avoid the topic of you." He pronounces the you to me slowly like as if I don't understand.
I roll my eyes at him and turn away from him, looking out the window as if I'd find a better view.
No, I'm not saying Ashton is a view to look at. He's average, nothing special.
It was almost five, and I could already see the sunset from the window and boy that was a view to see. It had an orange mixed with a pink, and a yellow found its way between the colors.
Sunsets were nice to look at, they were a calming and breathtaking view. That's why I liked it. It helped me calm down and breathe. I guess I've been so stressed lately that I truly needed this. I never felt so relieved, and for a split second, I completely forget about everything.
About why I was here, sitting in Ashton's car. About the bet. About the girls. About my friends. About my parents. Everything and I liked that.
Sometimes, people need to take a deep breath and look at everything going on in their life.
My eyes never left the sunset, I had never seen one this fascinating and no I'm not joking. It was gorgeous.
When Ashton stopped at a red light, I looked at the street name and realized we were close to my neighborhood. I knew if I was going to find out persona things, we'd need a vulnerable moment.
Usually, people will talk about private information about themselves when they're vulnerable. Ashton hadn't and I have a feeling it's because he doesn't trust me.
He could tell everytime I was going to lie and whenever I did lie. It was hard lying to him, so if I were going to lie I'd need to lie in ways Ashton didn't have experience with.
I would try, but not too hard or else he would notice. And I guess he could spot my lies from fifteen feet away because I was trying way too hard.
I turned my hard towards Ashton's direction and prepared myself for my next words, "Do you have trust issues?" I asked, bluntly.
I knew right then and there it was a little straight forward, but this would spark the topic of something personal that Ashton would talk about, I just knew it.
He grips the steering wheel, "Pretty bold of you to ask." I roll my eyes. "Stop avoiding the topic." I demanded through gritted teeth.
I noticed that Ashton was still gripping the steering wheel, I didn't want him to be uncomfortable. We both knew the answer and he even knew that I could tell. It's not like I'm asking why he has trust issues. It's a yes or no question.
I waited for him to answer, but he didn't. I looked down in my lap while my phone sat there. I turned it on and decided to text Blaze, but I got interrupted by Ashton.
"You already can tell, I can even tell that you can tell. Why the question?" I turn my head towards him while turning my phone off.
He's still not giving me a straight up answer, and it's kind of getting annoying to be frank.
I groan and lean back into my seat.
"Just give me an answer, damn it!" I yelled, realizing how high my voice was raised. Exasperation filling the emotion. I see him roll his eyes, pissing me off even more.
I didn't even bother trying to control my temper, it just lets itself out if that makes any sense. Sure, I can be moody, but I'm not a hot head or short-tempered.
At least I don't think so.
I close my eyes, breathing in and out as I tried controlling my temper. When I looked at Ashton, he was staring at me. Yet a blank expression dominated his features.
I didn't know how long he had been gazing at me, but judging from the fact the red light had been shining over us for a couple of minutes, I'm guessing awhile. Now that sounds creepy now that I think about it, but luckily it's only an approximate.
I turn away, and look out the window. I could see some houses, mostly cars, some trees in the distance, and a bit of that breathtaking sunset. Luckily, I caught a glimpse of it before the light turned green, and Ashton drove off, a building blocking the view as he drove forward.
I looked at the street names and saw The second most familiar one I could think of, the street that came before mine. No wonder my surroundings looked familiar. I barely realized how close we were to my house.
When Ashton pulled up in my driveway, I unbuckled my seatbelt and held the door handle.
"Eager aren't we?"
"I'm tired, okay?" I complained, looking back at Ashton. A smile curved at the edges of his lips. He parked in front of my house, and I swung my door open. I heard a cellphone ring and realized it wasn't mine when I saw my phone was blank and it wasn't buzzing.
I knew right then and there the call was coming from Ashton's. He got out, his phone up to his ear as he spoke quietly in a low voice.
I could barely hear him, but tried to brush the thought away. I got my key out from the pocket of my hoodie, fiddling it in the lock and it opened.
My hand was on the handle and I opened the door, breathing in the quietness and emptiness of what was inside of it. I looked behind me and saw Ashton turned the other way, his phone still up to his ear.
I closed the door, and ran over to Ashton when I saw him end the call. When I got closer, I heard him sigh and saw him rubbing his face with his hand. Because he seemed so stressed and exhausted, I tapped his shoulder getting his attention.
"Thanks for driving me home, and everything else. Hopefully next time we can work," I thanked, softly.
I didn't know what came over me, but I guess it had to do with Ashton's stress and his dead mom. It almost seemed as if I started to show care towards him, but I think it's only grief for his mom and for him.
He nodded at me, a smile forming on his lips. I nodded back and started walking back towards the door, but something Ashton said either intentionally out loud or under his breath made me turn around. A puzzles look plastered all over my face.
He dug his hands in his pockets and repeated the thing he said out loud, just not loud enough for me to hear.
"Yes." His voice was low, but clear. I raised an eyebrow at him, and he sighed. He looked away as I stood there, staring at him. I crossed my arms across my chest as I waited for him to respond.
When he didn't, I gave up and walked to my door. "The answer to your question is yes, Banks." He said, annoyed.
I turned back around, and finally it hit me and I understood what he meant. A smile escaped and I was shocked I was even smiling. I didn't know, but all I did was nod at him.
"Goodnight, Ashton." I said, and with that I closed the door slowly. I watched as his retreated figure walked back to his car and drove off.
I walked upstairs to my room, not even bothering with putting some different clothes on. I threw myself on my bed and yawned when I pulled the covers over me.
Ashton opened up for a split second, that meant that whatever I did to make him go in a vulnerable state triggered something in him to answer me.
Now onto phase two. Finding out what triggers Ashton to go vulnerable.
I was going to find his weakness and I sure as hell wasn't going to let some stupid grief feeling affect me. I'm doing this for one purpose and one purpose only.
So Ashton,
What's your weak spot?