Chapter Five
Well, that was a lot for the day. I let her take an afternoon nap and went outside for a little walk. I needed a break from all that was going on in my mind, so I walked a little farther out of the colony into one of those small convenience stores.
"How can I help you?" asked the lady, and that was usually not the kind of politeness you'd expect around the area. Nobody asked that anymore.
"Cigarettes." I replied.
She eyed me suspiciously.
"Are you old enough?"
"Does it matter if I am?"
"Not really." she laughed, getting me a pack, "But you better think twice before having one of these."
"I've already thought, thank you very much."
I removed one cigarette and kept the rest of the pack in my jacket. Then I paid her.
"Lighter?" I asked.
"Oh yes."
People say that there's a lot of coughing and uncomfortable sensations when you have your first cigarette, but I felt nothing of the sort. I smoked with such ease, as if it was a regular thing for me. And I guess that's the way it was. It just came naturally to me. As if something missing had been finally found.
Now don't start getting ideas, you bastards you. I was not a chain smoker. But this whole Martin affair had me a little depressed. Part of it was from what had happened to Mary, and part of it was from what was about to happen to Martin. So I just needed a little break, just a break that's all.
And so every time I was worried or anxious about something, there was nothing like a good cigarette that would cheer me up. Initially when I was still living with my parents and everything I had to hide my habit from them, because I knew they'd be ashamed of me if they ever found out.
But getting back to the narrative. I didn't do anything much that afternoon. Went to the park, sat down on a bench for about an hour, turns out Lucy was there too. She noticed my cigarette first, and me later.
"You- you smoke?" asked she, sitting down next to me. I could tell she was a bit offended by this behaviour of mine, but who wouldn't be?
"Not really," I answered, "this is my first."
"Don't lie."
"I'm not lying."
"Okay. Whatever you say. Just so you know, I don't see you in a lower light just because you smoke."
"That's very nice of you, Lucy. Are you disappointed in me though?"
"A little. But it's nothing I can't get over."
"You ever smoked?"
"No. I've never been fascinated with cigarettes."
"You think I'm fascinated by cigarettes?"
"No." she answered again, "I guess you just have a lot on your mind right now."
She always said the right thing.
"I do have a lot on my mind," I told her, "how did you know?"
"Just… something about you. Doesn't take me much time to figure out if you're upset or angry."
"Well I'm neither of those. I'm just a little worried."
"What for?"
I looked at her. I couldn't tell her, could I? I guess it was too soon for that.
"It is cold out here." I answered, "The cold is worrying me."
"I like it." she smiled, "It's fresh and breezy this time of the year. Don't get to see the sun a lot."
It was almost quarter to six by now, and the sun was gonna go down in about half an hour anyways.
"Hey," I said, to which she looked at me, "I could drop you to your house if you're okay with that."
She thought for a while.
"Yeah," was her answer, "that sounds nice."
"Okay. Let's go."
That was the first time I ever wandered anywhere outside my colony. I mean I used to go to other places as well, but it was the first I was ever accompanying someone to their house. And it felt nice. Just walking on the plain evening road with the street lights glowing and flickering and lighting the way ahead of you.
"You ever loved someone, Alex?" asked she. Now you must know that I and Lucy had known each other for a long time, so we were used to talks like these. But the question was very sudden, which is why it took me some time to answer it.
"Uh, no. No I don't think so. Why, what's the matter?"
"Nothing. Just asked."
"Really?"
She looked at me and smiled.
"Really."
"Okay."
I took out another cigarette from my pocket and lit it.
"Wow, how many of those have you had?" she exclaimed.
"I don't know. I didn't keep count."
"And you're not a chain-smoker?"
"You know I'm not."
And I wasn't. But the thing was that whatever was about to take place the next day had me very worried.
"Lucy," I began as we started walking again, "would you ever stay away from me if I didn't stop smoking?"
Now what does she do? How does she reply? I realize now that it was a very wrong thing to ask her. If she says no, she comes off across as a bad friend. If she says yes, she comes off across as a bad person.
But she was a very clever girl, as I've previously mentioned.
"I don't know," she replied, "you've gotta keep it under control Alex. If you die by the time you're twenty, I won't have much of a choice would I?"
"What would it be like?"
"What- what do you mean?"
"What would it be like?" I repeated, "If I died? Right here, right now?"
She was silent.
"Why are you thinking of this?" she finally asked.
"I'm just wondering, you know." I stared at the empty street in front of me, "What would it be like if I died at this very moment? What difference would it make? Who would care, Lucy? If not for my own blood, who else would care?"
That was exactly what I was thinking at that moment. The question of my existence perplexed me, I didn't know why I was born or what difference would it make to the world if I wasn't there. It was a very odd moment to be thinking of these things, but that's generally how these conversations go. I was intrigued by the very concept of it. Why did I even exist? Nothing revolved around me, nobody's universe. Nobody's world. I didn't mean anything to a lot of people. Or that's what I thought.
As soon as I asked her the question, Lucy held my hand and turned to me and spoke in what was probably the most scared I've ever heard her.
"Don't make me say this again," she said, her voice trembling, "but if you die, I'll lose a reason to live. I don't know how much you matter to the world out there, I don't know whether or not you matter to the world out there, but you matter to me. So if you die, a part of me dies with you. And I'm begging you right now Alex, please don't kill a part of me. Please don't kill that part of me which belongs to you."
She never said these kinds of things to anybody, and so when she did you knew she always meant them.
"God, Lucy." said I, stroking her hair for the first time, "I was just joking around! Nobody's dying! Here, I'll put the cigarette away. There you go, now please calm down. No, let me see that smile again. Please?"
She was angry on me. And I probably deserved that.
"Lucy," I said, looking in her eyes, "are those tears?"
There were two very small pearl shaped drops on the edge of her eyes, which rolled down her cheeks a second later. She tried to wipe them off hastily, and a moment after there were two more streaming down her face. She tried to hide the fact that she was crying, and I guess that was probably because she was a little embarrassed.
"I know you don't want to hear this right now," I said in the softest voice possible, "but you've never looked more beautiful."
"Shut up." she said without looking at me.
"Hey," I held her chin and stopped a tear from falling, "look here."
She glanced at me.
"Are you okay?" I asked.
"No I'm not." she said, her voice still breaking.
I kissed her cheeks just as the teardrops were rolling down them. And as soon as I did that they seemed to disappear and beneath that her skin coloured a little red.
"That's the fastest I've ever seen anyone go from crying to blushing." I said, glad that she'd calmed down.
"I'm not blushing."
"Wow. You denying it makes it truer."
Then we were both silent for some time.
"Why did you start crying all of a sudden?" I asked her after she was back to normal.
"I just… the thought of death scares me. And you are someone really close to my heart Alex. I know it sounds silly of me to say that because we've only known each other eight months, but you have no idea how great these eight months have been for me. I know I overreacted, and I'm sorry for that. It's just that I couldn't stand the thought of you dying."
I never knew that behind such a playful and innocent face was a person far more mature than I ever could be. And that's what I adored the most about her. She could be anyone you wanted her to be. The smart know-it-all, the playful kidlike companion, the serious bookworm, the prettiest girl in town, the romantic daydreamer, the stern mentor, and the kindest and sweetest soul ever.
"You didn't overreact, Lucy." I told her, "I guess I took it too far."
"Well, let it be. We can move past that, can't we?"
"Yeah. Hey, how long till we reach your house?"
"Oh, just another two blocks or so."
"Alright."
Just then we saw a guy, about the same age as us, coming in our direction. He walked past us giving Lucy a look which seemed to make her uncomfortable on the spot, and I could see that by her reaction as he went by.
"What's the matter?" I asked her after he had trailed off.
"He lives in my neighbourhood. He's been troubling me for some time, not a big issue really. It's just these daily stares and occasional whistles."
"Not a big issue? Lucy, that guy just stared at you in an open street and…"
"And what?"
"And you didn't do anything."
"Come on, I'm used to it. All girls are used to these kinds of things. It's our loss if we aren't."
"This is ridiculous. I'm gonna go have a chat with him."
"Alex, what do you take me for? You think I can't take care of myself?"
"Lucy, listen to me. I never said that you couldn't protect yourself. But if we let guys like these get away with staring a girl on the street, they're gonna do something worse next. Just let me talk to him, okay? Won't hurt him."
"Couldn't if you wanted to." she joked before I walked towards the guy who hadn't gone too far off.
"Hey," said I, to which he turned behind, "could I talk to you for a minute?"
"Just make it f*cking fast man." that was the most arrogant tone in the world, "I got a concert to go to."
Goddamn it, it was gonna be tough to control my temper.
"Did you stare that girl down as you went past us right now?" I asked.
"I don't know what you're talking about." he answered nonchalantly.
"Really? Because she tells me you've been giving her some trouble lately."
"What trouble huh?"
"She tells me you've been whistling at her as she walks by. Staring her down, any of that ring a bell?"
"No."
"Okay. I'm gonna bring her here now just to confirm."
He laughed in my face.
"Who the f*ck are you, her f*cking boyfriend?" he cried, "She ain't involved with nobody! I can do whatever the f*ck I want to do, you understand you big f*cking mutt? If I wanna stare her down, I'll stare her down! And if I wanna whistle at her someday because she's wearing a hot f*cking dress, I'm gonna do that too!"
"Look I'm just saying…"
"Don't say any f*cking word, you d*ck!"
"Just apologize to her and everything will be alright."
"Apologize for what? Giving me a hard-on? Get outta here!"
"Okay. I'll leave."
"Ya you better. Big f*cking mutt. You know if I was you I'd leave that bitch weak in the knees."
I ain't gonna take that now, am I? Of course not! You'd be very disappointed in me if I did nothing!
So I did something. I pushed him against a tree. Then I knuckled him thrice in the stomach and twice in the jaw. But that was before I kicked him in the crotch. Wait, no that was after. No, before. Well, I don't know. I don't remember exactly. I think there was a lot of stamping and kicking as well. Once I had him on the ground I could basically do anything and everything to hurt him. Point is, I don't think that guy ever whistled at a girl again. In fact, I don't even think he whistled at a guy again.
Lucy was watching us from a distance and the moment she saw things escalating she ran towards us to stop me. But by the time she'd pulled me off the guy he already had three broken bones, a broken nose and a very serious injury between his legs. And that was all ignoring the blood on his face and everything, or the bruises on his stomach.
God that felt like justice. And that was nothing as compared to what I had in mind for Martin Giovanni.
No big deal was made out of that incident. Turns out that guy was a pervert who'd harassed about four or five girls in the area, and nobody had said anything because it was rumoured he carried a gun to get rid of unwanted visitors.
Well that didn't come in handy when he got his shit handed over to him by me, did it?
Turns out he never had a gun. I wasn't charged with criminal offences, and Lucy reported to the police that I had acted in her defence. Which I kinda had, but then again, she was very angry on me for doing what I did.
She didn't talk to me very much after that incident. And I guess we just grew a little apart over time.
No one else seemed to mind my actions though. In fact, that night one of those four girls whom he'd harassed came to me personally and thanked me for 'justice'.
And from that day I was obsessed with that word.