As expected, no one came in. I thought someone would come, once I screamed when I woke up here, but I was wrong. Although it's not a surprise, because there were just a handful amount of people on my side. Valerian, of course, is who cares the most for me. After him, there's Asher and Sir Thorin Meelany, my disciple-brother and my swordsmanship master, respectively. Then comes Katherine, my nanny, and personal maid, who takes care of me as if she was my mother. Lastly, the head butler Leon and the kitchen's head chef, Yoostaf.
Oh, there's also my naive father, Grand Duke Gilbert, though he's a complicated matter. He does care for me, but not as much as he does for my siblings, besides, he's always manipulated by my mother, Grand Duchess Cleo, because she keeps using his love for her to let her do anything she wants to. And even knowing that I'm not his favorite neither close to that, just the fact that he loved me at least a little bit was always enough for me.
Stupid, isn't it? But he was always my model and inspiration, the strongest warrior of the Caspien Empire, best at fighting with both martial arts and magic. Which's one of the reasons why I was satisfied with that amount of affection, seeing that I had lost my magic and couldn't make him proud because of that.
Having my magic stolen from me destroyed my life in ways I can't even start to explain. I was just about to turn five years old when it happened, but no one spared me that. Being the second born and oldest daughter of the Great Grand Duke of the Royal House Nicholai, made everybody have big expectations when it came to me, especially when I was born identical to my father.
The high society as a whole is cruel. The peasants are cruel. It didn't matter if I was one of the Royal Princesses of the Empire, the moment they knew about my magicless condition, everybody felt superior to me. Especially when I was the first and only kid to have this condition, it made me their favorite target.
Of course, no one insulted me when Father was around—it would have been a death sentence—but that was the only time I was safe. Even when Val was with me they didn't hold their tongues. And they were particularly meaningful to me when my mother, Dalilah or Octavian were close to me.
They knew none of them would try to defend me. Worse, they would agree with the insults, bad-mouthing me to my face.
Though I didn't know Dalilah used to do that too before, I know better now. She can be worst than my mother. And believe me, that's a big feat. Mother is a good liar. Manipulative to the core. She made me feel worthless for not having magic and always justified her cruelty by saying I deserved it—for being born like this.
My father was rarely present, once he had to take care of the Imperial army, take care of the Grand Duchy, and be the Emperor's right hand. So he obviously couldn't spend so much time at home, but when he came he would always spare a little time to be around me, even if just for an hour. Just me and he, and I used to be anxious for those moments.
And my mother knew how to take advantage of that. Of course, she knew. Every time he wasn't around and she got pissed by something—which used to happen constantly, thanks to her bad temper—, it didn't matter what I was doing, she would order me to stop and would take me to the secret dungeon under the Grand Duchy or the one under our manor in the Imperial Capital, then she would make me take off my clothes and beat me with a whip until she cooled down.
I can still feel the sting of the whip against my back, the cold stone altar beneath me, and the way her eyes would darken when she was 'cooling down'. The dungeon had no windows, no light but the flicker of the candles, and no way out but her mercy—or what little of it she has left.
You must be questioning yourself about the reason why I never told anyone about what exactly happened inside that place, where my mom would lock just the both of us until she was satisfied. It's quite simple, actually. She always used a strong incantation that made it impossible for me to ever talk about that, which could only be broken if she died.
Everybody, but my father, suspected that she used to do something bad to me, but they never had proof, and I couldn't say anything, so it became a secret in our family. The incantation also enables people to see the scars on my body. She probably prepared this very thoroughly.
In the past, I would have never dared to think of defying Mother. I would have smiled, nodded, and worn whatever she chose for me, grateful that she didn't lock me away again. But now? Now, I am not going to waste another breath pretending to be her doll.
Our mother is one of the people I killed back in the first timeline, a death I don't regret at all. Though I regret killing my father and Val. And Asher, who ended up dying in that traumatizing night too.
I never knew the reason why Dalilah wanted our mom to die when she has always been one of the people who know her evil actions and agreed with them and also encouraged her. But it doesn't matter anymore, the story won't repeat itself.
I will take my time, lay the groundwork, and slowly unravel the web Dalilah has spun. She won't see me coming. This time, I'll play the long game.
But I can't take too long. Dalilah will notice if I start acting differently, and Mother's patience is thin on the best of days. I have to start planning, quietly, carefully, before they catch on.
Another bad habit of my mother is bothering Katherine Quinlan, Kate as I call her, my nanny. She always gives her a hard time, humiliating her just because she doesn't have a good background. Moreover, I think she does that because she can't stand the fact that Kate loves me in a way she will never be able to, seeing how just seeing my face disgusts her.
That might be the reason why Kate didn't barge into my chambers yet.
I looked over the fancy small table on the side of my bed, where there was a golden bell resting in it, which is often used to call for maids or anyone passing outside the room. Sighing, I looked away and got up again, and stared at myself in the mirror.
"Such a... innocent appearance," I mumbled to myself while pinching my cheeks. Then I took my nightgown off and turned to see my back in the mirror. There were countless whip scars, many of them over older ones.
Biting my bottom lip, I kept looking at it, "Now, this, isn't innocent-looking." I felt my eyes burn and wiped the tears before they fell, then I got back to staring at my scar-less face. "Let's not suffer that much this time, okay?" And nodded to me.
"And don't you dare cry over those motherfuckers," I pinched my cheeks again, "Remember, a Princess doesn't cry! You are stronger than your nightmares and ghosts. The invisible crown in your head may be heavy, but only you can carry the weight."
Heading towards the bath chambers, I took my time and enjoyed myself.
After all, it had been ages since I'd taken a real bath. I missed the feeling of not being covered in dirt and in my own blood. Just as much as I missed eating food.
Speaking of food, my stomach growled loudly, "For Mikla's sake, I've never been so hungry!" I got out of the bathtub and covered my body with a magically warm towel. Those are very useful back in the north, where is always freezing. Even though I love cold.
When I entered my dressing room, the clothes I saw inside it made me sick out of my mind. I had never liked any of those, but my mother was the one who chose them and so I pretended to love them, afraid that if I said otherwise she would take me to her torture chamber.
I'm not even going to start with the decoration of my childhood room... A light pink that made it all look like an extension of my damn hair. Also, my mother's choice. While Dalilah's room has a lilac and gold, decoration.
With lilac and gold being the colors of the House Nicholai, that alone means a lot.
Annoyed, I chose the least bad pair of clothes and got ready, using the warm towel to dry my hair and then braid it in a more delicate way than I'm used to.
Now that I'm back, I can't keep using those horrendous clothes just to please my mother. I don't want to please her at all. Even if this makes her torture me again, I don't give a damn, I've been through the worst, so it won't make much difference. So I need to take advantage of my dad's presence and ask him to let me change all the decorations, buy new clothes, and giveaway those I have to the poor girls that need them.
This won't be difficult, because if we are in our manor at the Imperial Capital, it means that it means that our father will be a little more present than normal. And that will be good for me.
But right now, at this moment, I need to eat something and see Valerian!
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