I must be so stupid not to realize that no real mother would treat their child, as horribly as mom treated me. But I kept trying and over the years before Jess came along, I had learnt how to help take care of Jer.
Wanting to be the perfect daughter and make my parents proud, I took care of Jess, which allowed mom free time to go out and have fun with dad and her friends.
The only time she willingly hugged me, was when she was going out with dad and her family, she hugged and kissed Jer and Jess and I wrapped my arms around her neck and like Jess and Jer, I told her that I loved her too and I was the happiest girl in the world in that moment.
Now I realize that she didn't want to come across as a bad parent in front of others, but when she returned, I paid dearly for that 'stunt' as she calls it.
I was ten and that was the day I decided that I would stop trying. That was the day I grew up and instead of forcing my presence on dad, mom and their children, I made the flowers garden my safe haven, which I kept even after gramps and grams passed.
I don't remember crying when mom and dad died in the car crash. Everyone hugged me then and commented that the shock of their death had numbed me, now I realize that they die when they stopped being a part of my life.
Jer and Jess, I loved them though and I still do, but they knew I wasn't family and never mentioned it to me. Jess pretended to love me, but I know now that Jer was honest about loving me.
Palming my face, realizing that all this time, I have been waiting for Logan to leave me, which is why I ran. It was finally time!
All I wanted to do was survive and take care of my siblings, but then Logan happened and he won't leave, until now.
Would my baby remember me if I don't survive the surgery after his birth.? Would his stepmother treat him a horribly as mines treated me?
I started weeping in my hands, because I want my baby to be happy. I want Logan to eventually marry someone who will treat my baby with the same love and affection, I have for him.
Just as I stopped forcing myself in my dad and his wife's life, just so I will stop being anything to Logan.
I smelt her perfume before I saw her. "Sweetheart it's going to be okay." Mom comes to sit on the lawn chair beside me.
I lifted my head and smiled at mom and Mrs. Stanley who was standing in front of me with a tray in her hands.
Mrs. Stanley placed the tray on the lawn table that was located a few feet from where we sat.
"Logan is dealing with a lot right now, please don't upset yourself." Mom assures me, but little does she know that it no longer has any impact on me.
Just so that she knows that I am not upset over Logan, "After speaking to Mr. Phillips and his wife a few days ago, I learned somethings about myself and my past." I said staring at mom's shawl and the fringes that dazzles in the moonlight.
Smiling sadly, "when I was about ten, I remember that I had stopped trying to make mom like me." I told her, looking into the eyes and seeing love, something I didn't see from mom or my real dad.
"You and dad," I started to say, "accepted me from day one and when I see you looking at me, I see something I craved to see in my parents eyes. They died and I never saw it." Laughing softly. "How could you love me from the first instant and mom couldn't?" I asked her and she leaned across and engulfed me in a hug.
Pulling slightly away to look into my tear stained cheek, "you're special Jamie and your mom never took that time to know you, like I did." Mom hugs me again.
I remained silent, because I have been so unfair to Logan, never giving him my all, because I was always waiting for him to leave.
"I don't deserve your son" I nod, making emphasis of my feelings. "He does deserve better than me." I continued, "His grandparents are right." I whispered softly.
Shaking her head, "Jamie you need to stop blaming yourself for your childhood problems. I don't know what you went through, but I know it was bad." Mom confesses and I frowned, wondering what she's talking about.
"What?" I shook my head confused. Nobody knew my pain, expect gramps and grams and they are gone.
Straightening herself to look at me properly, "after the shooting, you had nightmares and cried while you were in pain and said things, things pertaining to the physical abuse you suffered as a child." Mom's voice was soft and full of compassion and I am now wondering why she never mention it to me.
Embarrass that my mother-in-law knew all this time that I was an unwanted child. Is that why she felt sorry for me?
Smiling awkwardly, "do you pity me?" I asked and she immediately shook her head.
"No, no, no. Of course not!" Mom exclaims without hesitation. "I don't pity you." She says, wiping my cheeks like a mother would do to their child whose in pain. "You are strong! You are brilliant!" Mom started naming qualities that she saw in me that I doubt were true. "I admire you for taking charge and helping to bring up your younger siblings to the best of your ability" Mom continues, her eyes twinkling with a bright smile illuminating on her face.
"When Logan was in a coma, inspite of your pain, you remain, night and day, because you are that caring person."