My intentions was to look through my old photos but deep down i had always hoped to see him not again but once. My whole life was a complete bizzarre and it was so hard for me to avoid all the emotions around, the world seemed so blur, felt so cold and heartless, every second of everyday i would spend hours thinking if maybe at this point in life i had already wronged God so much that he had to take away my father, the only thing i believed would've given me hope to this hopeless life.

My mom used to tell me that the world owes me nothing but infact the world owed me a moment with my father even if it was a minute, a day or anything as long as i could've had the chance to look into his eyes and receive the love i felt was missing my whole entire life. It's not that easy to relate if you once had a father to take you to bed, kiss you to sleep and drive you to school, i always had to cry myself to sleep, force myself to wake up and think that i had to go through all those scary life moments all alone, walk in the cold winter to school and come back home to a depressed mother. My childhood life wasn't that fun or amazing i never received love, support and care, i never had the chance to experience family time,and that caused me so much anger and rage that i couldn't even face myself in the mirror.

"Haaaaaaaaaahhhhhh" i tried to screamed on top of a mountain but as useless as it was nobody was listening, and as i walked down the mountain i suddenly thought of how peaceful it was up there, you'd have birds singing to the great sunshine, trees breathing the breeze but there i was with heavy shoulder full of life disappointments, hurt and unanswered questions. Life was knocking me down so hard i never feared any wild life creature but i had so much fear of what the anger in me could lead to.

I stood outiside my house battling with my instincts if i was ready for the dull vibe of my life after such a great moment on the mountain but either way i had no choice but to grab the bull with both horns and  finally i gathered all the courage in the world and walked in.

You should've seen the look on my mom's face it was as if i took her breath away and asked her to live, like i was the one who promised her the world but failed to submit, maybe that's wht she hated me so much because i resembled my father, the one man who promised to love her till eternity but instead ran away.

I quickly ran upstairs, looked at myself in the mirrior and cried it all out but it never seemed to go away, NEVER! Everytime i get to see my mom i'd be filled with anger and rage, i hated everything about my life.

I sat there near my mirrior and looked at my reflection "I hope you having a better life that side " as i was pointing at my reflection with a broken smile, a tear formed and soon enough i couldn't bare to look at my reflection anymore. Out of anger i suddenly formed a fist, looked at it with a smile and no one knows or neither do i remember when or how but my hand was in a cracked mirrior bleeding so basiclly i crashed the mirrior but sadly i felt nothing and completely nothing, no pain at all.

Was it because all my feelings were conserved in a emotionless mind?  I wasn't sure either way but either i felt great somehow not to feel anything. I walked away from the mirrior and went straight into a bath filled with warm water with a lavender treatment, and as i was  busy relaxing, i went deep into my thoughts, slowly sliding into the water not even realiziling that i wasn't breathing until my mom knocked on my door.

What kept me drowning wasn't my stubbornness but the thought of my mom knocking  on my door for the first time since i have known her.

She aggressively knocking on my door that i was forced to open before she could break it and she was there to check up on because she suddenly felt like something wrong,was it because she's sober or was it really the universe trying to tell me something? Well that was something i had to figure out myself.

I've lived with my mom for a couple of years, she never bothered to teach me how to make breakfast, go to toilet, fix my hair or polish my nails and suddenly she was  checking up on me without reasons and i know this was everything i've always wanted but it never felt genuine, it felt like self guilty, punishment or blame, it felt like she was beating herself for all the shades in the world, as if there was a body trapped inside her battling to come out and make a difference but there was no door or a way out, i could see the regret through her eyes that if maybe she had handled the situation in a positive way she would've turned out better and different.

From all the exhaustion of overthinking i had to lie down a bit and listen to what the universe had to say but i failed multiple times to interpret what mother Earth passed on me and i really had no hope of being able to interpret that of the universe.

After a couple of minutes i walked to my window to see if there was any sign of hope out the window to give me hope for the better tomorrow and as i was enjoying the air out there  i saw a bird further swing towards my window, i wondered if that was the sign i asked the universe foror not. In my mind i looked at the futher and thought of it as a symbol of me, that the bird that owned the furher deserted it as much as my father did and since we both shared a common pain i ought to keep it as my other half. Funny how we used to do all things together, we would sing, talk all night long and laugh ourselves to sleep, for the first time in my life that's when i experienced happiness.

Even today i wonder how stupid of me it was to hold on to further for so long  and still battles me if the further is still existence or not. One morning i woke up to my mom cleaning my room without my room without my permission. I looked around trying to figure what was happening exactly and it quickly hit me that i left my friend on my wishboard, i quickly kicked the blankets off me and ran to check on it but it was gone, my mom opened my window so he flew away, my dad flew away.

I quickly set on my bed in pain wondering if he already had something to eat, if anybody picked a conversation with him. I couldn't help thinking that something bad happened to him, and it was my priority to look after him but now i lost him. My mom just stood bear my door thinking that i'm really going nuts about my father living with me but i was ready to go out and look for him.