He awoke that morning alone, the sheets cold next to him. He knew what day it was and the fear that accompanied his awakening made it difficult to breathe.
In his mind, a war waged between his deepest fears and his own logic. "Calm down. Calm down. Calm down. Calm down." He repeated this mantra to himself without success. He didn't want to walk out into the main room already distraught over things he logically knew wouldn't happen. Everything pointed to him being safe now. All evidence suggested that Linx would rather take his own life than hurt him. But even as these thoughts raced throughout his mind, his pulse picked up speed and breathing was becoming more and more difficult. He opened the door to silence. Walking out into the main room he found it empty save Maddox, who was carving something out of a block of wood. She looked up upon his entry and smiled.
"Hey, sleepyhead. Decided to finally wake up, huh?" He nodded and climbed into her lap. She leaned back with him close to her breast and kissed his forehead. "Happy birthday, my love."
He smiled lightly. "Thanks. Where are Linx and Zim?"
Maddox glanced out the window, a sad look coming to her eye. "I'm not quite sure, kiddo. They left earlier this morning." Maddox sighed lightly and played with the soft strands of his hair, watching his face fall with her answer.
"Oh," was his only reply.
"Ready to head back?" Zimmer asked as they paused their stride.
Linx sighed. "No. But we probably should." Looking at the suns, he said, "He's probably awake by now."
"Linx," Zim called and began to walk away. Linx stopped but didn't turn around, his head hanging. Zim walked up next to his friend, his hand sliding up to rest along Linx's shoulders. "Man...I understand that you're upset about what's going on...but you can't avoid him. Avoiding him will only amplify his abandonment fears and his fears that you for some reason won't love him anymore."
"What am I supposed to do, Zim? I'm fucked regardless of what I do. If I stay with him today and tonight, he's going to be terrified and thinking I'm going to take him..." His voice thickened and wavered, his eyes burning against the memories. "I don't know how I managed to do it the first time, Zimmer. I loved him then but I love him so much more now. And I know now...gods, I know now..."
"So take that knowledge and face it. Eliminate his fears and put this to rest. Bring him back and end this!" Zim gripped his upper arm and spoke forcefully. More forcefully than he had ever spoken to his commanding officer in their history.
"How?"
"Let him feel what you feel. All of it. Let...let him *see* it."
Linx looked up at him, his eyes shining and full of fear. "I've never done that before, Zim."
"Well, there's no time like the present. Now...let's go back and give the kid a birthday."
Linx nodded, took a deep breath, composing himself, and nodded. "Okay."
Maddox was still holding Kiy when Zimmer and Linx walked back into the cabin. Kiy looked up as they came inside, his little arms immediately reaching out to Linx. "Hey, little man. Don't look so sad, huh." Linx wiped away stray tears from his cheeks.
Kiy looked up and sniffled, reaching up to do the same. "You, either."
Linx smiled brokenly. "How about we start celebrating your birthday. We've all got something for you." Kiy smiled and nodded, his eyes lighting up. Linx smiled back at him and took a seat next to Maddox, Kiy still firmly gripping Linx so as to not be put down.
"Happy birthday, Kiy," Maddox said with a smile as she pulled an object from her inside pocket.
Kiy reached out his hand, his mouth agape at the gift. "Wow." The object was a small dagger. The blade was made out of something similar to quartz, sharpened to a very fine point, each side ground down to create a double-edged weapon. "It's beautiful. You'll teach me how to use it?"
At the CTC it was customary for a soldier to receive their first weaponry upon their eighth birthday, as well as begin the training of the mastery of a variety of weapons.
"That's where my gift comes in," Zim spoke up with a genuine smile. Standing he said, "Come, let me show you." Kiy hopped off Linx's lap and the three of them followed Zimmer outside and to the back of the cabin.
"Wow!" Kiy exclaimed as he rushed over to where a burlap dummy was hanging from a large oak-like tree. "You'll teach me using this guy?"
Zim smiled. "Yep. See all these marks all over him?" Zim pointed to several of the marks stitched into the burlap dummy.
"Uh-huh," Kiy replied.
"These are all points to either subdue or kill your enemy. Hit this spot right here." He pointed to the mark in the center of the dummy's chest. Kiy punched the spot, already having been trained in hand-to-hand combat. The eyes lit up as he hit the mark.
"Oh, cool!" Kiy said with exuberance. "His eyes light up!" He turned his happy grin to Linx. "Did you see?"
Linx smiled, his chest loosened from the anxiety of what was to come for the moment. "I did."
"Now," Zim said gaining once again Kiy's attention. "Hit right here."
"Isn't that the same spot?" Kiy asked with a small frown.
"Nope. Hit it." He did. When the eyes did not light up, he stepped back and frowned. "See? There are certain spots on the body that if you punch, same as stab, will be much more detrimental to the other person. Which will allow you to properly defend yourself against an opponent."
Linx and Maddox stood together in the background while Zim and Kiy went over the dummy. "Would you..." Linx began but stopped, hesitating.
"Would I, what?" Maddox glanced at him, noting the furrow in his brow.
"Would you think less of me as your team leader...as your friend...if I admitted to you that I...I'm so scared to do this."
"Nothing will make me think less of you. In any capacity. No one here is pretending what you have to do is easy and neither of us envies you for it, either. But I do know you, Linx. You'll do what's needed to be done. For us. For Kiy. You always have. And we'll be there when it's all said and done."
Kiy stopped mid-punch to a specific spot on the dummy when he felt Linx's emotions spike. He turned, watching him a moment. "Kiy." He turned at the sound of his name and looked to Zim who had knelt to his eye level. "He'll be alright." Kiy nodded but didn't answer as he turned and began walking toward Linx. "Kiy," Zim tried again but Kiy did not pause in his stride.
When he reached Linx he lifted his arms and Linx picked up him in compliance. "I love you," Kiy whispered, his head resting on Linx's broad shoulder.
Linx smiled gently. "I love you too." Linx took a deep breath, steadying his breathing and heart rate. " Ready to go back inside?"
Kiy nodded. "Mmhmm. What did you make me, Linx?"
Linx smiled. "Let's go find out, huh?" Kiy nodded smiling as he felt Linx begin to calm. "I actually made you two things," Linx said as they all sat back down in the front room of the cabin.
"You did?" Kiy grinned.
"Yep. Here. Open this one first." Linx handed him a small package wrapped in large leaves and tied with a string made from the bark off stripped trees.
Kiy took it with open curiosity, his gaze focused on his task as he carefully untied the knots and peeled back the leaves. "It's...I love it. What does the symbol mean?"
The carved figure was that of a snake, curled into an infinity symbol, eating its own tail, attached to a leather string. "The snake eating its tail is a protective symbol. It's in the shape of infinity. It means that no matter what, I'll always be there to protect you." Linx gently took it from Kiy's small hands and placed it around his neck, the wooden piece laying peacefully over his heart.
"I love it, Linx. Thank you."
Linx smiled and handed him another gift-wrapped the same as the other. He smiled as he looked at the figurine carved from a large branch. "It's all of us," Linx said with the sudden feeling of needing to explain himself. Kiy looked at the object in his hands, his eyes watering. There were three larger figures standing behind a smaller one, whom Kiy knew to be himself. Directly behind him, he knew to be Linx, his hands atop the boy's smaller shoulders, with Maddox and Zim standing next to him.
"It's beautiful, Linx. I really love them both. I really love you too, Linx." The boy's eyes watered as his voice cracked.
Linx smiled a wobbly smile, allowing Kiy to feel his emotions without holding back. "I love you too, Kiy."
The rest of the day passed with happy laughter and play. Linx pushed every loving, adoring, and happy emotion he could to the boy. So he could feel and within that feeling understand the knowledge that Linx would not hurt him.
Linx relished in the hours of the four of them playing, carefree, laughing. Since he had found the boy, curled up and terrified, he'd never before seen him laugh so freely. As he watched Maddox chase him around, the wind blowing through his long, blonde hair, a realization hit him. He'd never since they'd met when they were all children, seen Kiy laugh so freely. At that moment it seemed as if his past didn't exist. It was as if it had always been the four of them, in this place, in peace. With no fears of what goes bump in the night.
After the suns had fallen, the four of them sat in front of the fire, circled on the floor. Kiy leaned against Linx's chest, his mood still light, his smile still in place. They talked gently of easy topics, each trying to get a laugh out of the boy; each knowing what was ahead and wanting to keep the mood light.
As time drew closer they all felt the shift. Linx felt Kiy tense under his hands as his fears came boiling up to the surface. "Is it time for bed now, Linx?" His voice wavered as he spoke.
Linx looked down as Kiy looked up. "We're going to stay right here, little one. But Maddox and Zimmer will be going to their own quarters."
The boy took a deep breath and sat up, crossing his legs underneath him. Linx noticed that he still kept contact and he wondered if he kept contact as a form of comfort, something he did often enough, or if he was gauging his emotions and feelings. Perhaps it was both.
Maddox leaned over and kissed Kiy on the forehead. "Goodnight, little one. Kiy," she said and waited for him to look up. "There's nothing to be afraid of. I promise."
Soon enough the two were alone, the wood crackling in the hearth, the flames providing a soft glow. Linx watched the shadows dancing along the walls as he glanced at the floor, the walls. Anywhere but Kiy. Until finally he had no choice but to begin this.
"Kiy, I..." He paused as he glanced at the boy. His eyes watered and he didn't try and stop them. If he were to save Kiy...the boy within...the man hidden...he knew he had to now rip out every bit of feeling he'd ever kept hidden. He was about to shred himself asunder and this time he couldn't run. This time he had to feel it and relive every bit of it so Kiy would fully understand, finally understand the depths of his love and the extent that he would go to to keep him alive. To keep him safe. He took the boy's hand in his and placed it against his chest, directly over his racing heart. "There's so much in all our years together that I never allowed you to know. So many...feelings...so many events...all I ever wanted was to keep you safe. I knew there were things that I couldn't protect you from, Kiy. But I protected you from everything I could have. And even for all of that, in the end, I couldn't save you." The boy looked at him with tears running freely down his face, unnoticed by either of them. Linx's heart beat so hard under his ribs, Kiy wondered how the bones didn't snap upon impact. He didn't speak, he just listened to Linx's confession. He felt every emotion behind each of his words. He felt pain. Guilt. Longing. Fear. Confusion, love, and a plethora of other emotions he had no name for.
"I've never let you see before, Kiy. I know you know...knew...that I could see if I so pried...but what I never said is that I can let you see...and...perhaps it's time I did."
And see he did. He saw everything. He felt everything that went with each vision as if it happened to him anyway. And as he experienced these events in living color, seeing and feeling each thing through Linx's eyes, through his soul, he understood why he kept it all from him.
When Linx finally opened his eyes, his breath caught. He was looking at Kiy. Kiy as he'd known him since childhood had gone and left no traces on his body. His cheeks were wet, his eyes shining. "My warrior. I never knew."
"I know. I couldn't tell you. I needed to protect you. And I lost you anyway to an enemy with my face. My... everything." Kiy, his hands rough and calloused against his cheek, swiped with his thumb away the gathering tears. "I tried, Kiy. I tried to find you. I didn't know who they were or where they were going. I didn't know the size of their army. I had to scope it out. I had to make sure I could get us all in and out alive." He clung tighter to his lover as his body quaked. "Then after we got you back on the ship...you were so afraid of me." Linx sat up and looked him in the eyes. His hands ran through Kiy's hair, feeling the texture. "I understand now."
"Understand what?"
As Linx looked at and listened to him then, he knew Kiy already knew the answer. "Don't leave me, Kiy. Please. I need you."
"He still needs you. Understand what, Linx? Tell me." His voice was earnest, desperately demanding.
"Why you were so afraid of me. Why you've always been afraid of me. Why you never let me really so much as touch you on your birthday. Why you always said 'you can't see, you can't see.'"
"Why?" Kiy's voice broke then.
Linx's head dropped down to Kiy's chest. He shook his head as his shoulders quaked. "Don't make me say it, Kiy."
"I need to know, Linx." Kiy's arms wrapped around him, clinging to Linx as Linx clung to him.
"Gods...because..." He spoke the words he never wanted to utter. And as he spoke he let Kiy see and feel everything. He held nothing back as he ripped out his entire being to hand bleeding to the one person he's ever given himself to.
"I love you, Kiy. I love you and I've always loved you and I'll always love you. I'm sorry I've failed you. I'm sorry I couldn't protect you against them."
Kiy pushed him back to look Linx in the eye. "You've protected me from so much more than I ever knew. You didn't fail me. You saved me. Over and over again, you saved me."
"Don't leave me again, Kiy. Please don't leave me again." Linx didn't care that he was begging. He didn't care about the tears in their eyes or upon their faces running down arms and necks, gathering into their clothes.
"He still needs you," Kiy answered once more. "I love you, my warrior."
Linx blinked and he was gone, replaced once again with the face of the boy he once was. Linx's head dropped into the boy's lap as his world continued to crumble.
As Kiy pet Linx's hair, he remained silent, feeling, watching as memories assaulted his mind.
When Linx's tears finally dried, he had drained all his energy and fell asleep. Kiy remained sitting for a long time, his mind going over and over everything that occurred tonight. Everything he saw and learned before he too lies down next to Linx and drifted off.
"Linx. Linx, wake up." Linx awoke to a familiar voice and hands shaking his shoulders, muddled as the voice was.
"He's not outside."
"Damn it, Linx, wake up. Kiy's gone." He heard the panic in Maddox's tone. He felt a sudden surge of panic as well, his mind flashing hot white with the swell of worry and fear. But he couldn't move. He couldn't open his eyes. His breath was coming in short gasps and he was aware of his chest hurting. He found the strength to squeeze Maddox's hand, and hers combed through his hair. "Linx, what's going on?" To Zim, he heard her say, "This is connected. We both know Kiy didn't just wander off. And what's going on with him is more than an expenditure of energy. We need to find Kiy."
"One of us needs to remain. He cannot be left alone in this condition." Zim knelt next to Linx, opposite Maddox. Their eyes met in silent communication before Maddox once more addressed Linx.
"Zim is going to remain with you while I go in search of Kiy. Maybe he just went for a walk and he'll be back soon." To Zim, she said, "I'll keep in radio contact. I'll check in every half hour." With a final nod, she stood and left their shelter just as the first sun broke the horizon.
What Linx couldn't say was that Maddox wouldn't find Kiy. He could feel it in his bones.
Maddox searched high and low. She searched the roads and the deemed safe places beyond. She searched slowly, unaware of the condition she might find him in. Is he hurt? Is he conscious?
"Zim..."
Zim closed his eyes at the time of her voice. She sounded scared, worried. "What's your status?"
"Nothing yet. Zim, I'm at the cave. It's where we found him the last time."
"But the deadline isn't up yet." Zim looked to Linx. Looking to both make sure he was still alert to the situation and if he had maybe any insight on if Kiy was back in that cave. Linx gave nothing away as he continued to stare sightlessly into the abyss he was trapped in.
"The deadline doesn't necessarily mean that Kiy will remain a child until that specified day. If Kiy learned what he was meant to before the deadline, who's to say that that knowledge won't trigger the retransformation any time before the deadline?"
Zim looked at Linx again as he considered her words. "Do you really think he's there?"
Maddox looked toward the mouth of the cave and took a deep breath. "He hasn't been anywhere else, Zim. I have to try."
"Alright. Maddi?" His voice dropped at the calling of her name. "Be careful."
"Always."
Zim looked down at Linx again and sighed. "Linx. Come on, man." He touched his shoulder. It was a gesture of worry. A gesture of brotherhood. A sign of fear Zim normally didn't allow himself to take. "Linx, I need you here with me. I need your help. Kiy needs you. Linx!" Zim shook him for lack of a better idea, for the panic beginning take hold. There was nothing. No reaction. Linx continued to stare, unblinking.
As Zim watched his friend's face for some sign of life that was more than breath and pulse, tears pooled in the corner of his eye.